Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Out of the Woods

Well, it looks like she's gonna be ok. She still can't go home yet, and she's pretty frustrated about that (I'd hate to be one of her nurses today), but she's in good spirits otherwise & they say she should be fine....so, thank goodness.

Me...I'm sick of hospitals more than ever, my car won't start today for some reason, I'm like a week behind on everything else in my life, last night I ate some bad Mexican food that kept me up 'til almost 4, and now I'm almost out of cigarettes & have no way to get anywhere...otherwise, I'm fine, too.

Gonna get some stuff done & I'll post later tonight...

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Tired & the Sick...

Well, there's still no good news. Yesterday, they thought that everything was going to be pretty simple & they were just going to keep her overnight, give her some medicine to help dissolve the clot, and send her home the next morning. So, last night, she was feeling a little down still, but everything looked promising, and she got to sleep somewhere around midnight, so I left her there with her mom & went home.

Sometime between Thursday night & Friday morning, something happened that made them decide they needed to take her back to surgery & insert some sort of filter into her leg to stop it from possibly reaching her lungs, and put her on a stronger medicine afterwards, that they would have to administer intravenously & monitor her in ICU while she's on it overnight.

So, the poor little thing was scared to death before she went in for her 'procedure', as they called it (I call it surgery; I don't care how simple they say it is, if they cut you open & stick something in or take something out, its goddamn surgery), but she made it through ok, although they said she'd still not 100% out of the woods yet, and may be in intensive care for a few days now. They wouldn't let anyone stay with her tonight in the ICU, but her mom said she was just going to stick around the hospital anyway. I tried to get her to go back & sleep at my place & I would stay there with her, but she wouldn't do it, so she's been there for almost 48 hours straight, without so much as a change of clothes.

Alan came back into town today, also (he moved away to start his new job & new life under his mother-in-law's regime last week), and he & his wife went for their ultrasound. Turns out they're having a girl...which just fits with the way his life has been going lately. I mean, yeah, I'm happy for them, but like I said before, that kid's gonna need all the help I can give it to be normal, and being a girl isn;t gonna make my job any easier...although we do have a seriously kick-ass name picked out for her; think superhero's girlfriends...

And I'm tired, I'm worried, and now I feel bad that I didn't stay with Lanie last night when I had the chance. And yes, I know she'll probably be ok, but it's just the thought of her, the one who constantly excercises, eats healthy, teaches yoga, and whips my ass into shape whenever she can, being the one lying over there in that hospital bed, when I'm sitting here smoking like a chimney & eating french fries at 3 in the morning...although the irony of it did make her laugh tonight, at least. I'd trade places with her in a second if I could, though. They gave her the Dr. Feelgood shot before I left, so I'm sure she's drugged up & sleeping sound, but I'll probably still worry. And should I feel bad for thinking that her nurse was cute, and for looking to see if she had a ring on? 'Cus I did...

And in response to Moon Watcher's comment, no, I don't think this will awaken some long-dormant feelings we have for each other or anything, but I don't think I could love her any more if it did, and I couldn't be any more worried about her than I already am. As I've said before, it's by far the most successful relationship I've ever had with a female, and the only thing that could kill that faster than her dying would be us getting together. Besides, we tried that already, briefly, when we first met, and had we dated for any longer than we did, I guarantee you she would be long gone from my life by now...and I would've had to set aside another color for her when I'm running low as it is....

I dunno; I just thought I was finally done with hospitals & people I love being sick for a while. I'm gonna try to pass out now; we'll see how it goes...

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Viscious Cycles

Ya, I know, I haven't meant to leave things hanging so long, but one thing just follows another; my friend Elaine has been in the hospital the past couple of days, and today, they just found what was wrong with her. It seems she has a blood clot in her leg, and...I'm more than a little freaked out about it. Yes, they caught it early, and she's fit & healthy otherwise, but she's like a sister to me, only closer, and I'm worried about her somthin' awful. I know I probably don't talk about her much, as she's not technically an ex & didn't enter the picture 'til a few years ago, but she's my other best friend in the world, and I don't know what in the world I would do if anything happened to her...

They're moving her to another room tonight & running some tests to prep for...whatever it is they have to do, and I just came home from the studio & got the latest news, so I'm headed there right now. Just keep your fingers crossed for her...and for me. Be back as soon as I can...

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Tempted by the Fruit of Another...

So, as I said before, Jenna was Alan's ex-girlfriend. And not just his ex-girlfriend...she was the big one for him. She was his Kara & his Roxanne all rolled into one. They met about 2 years previous, when I had been dating Veronica again...in fact, they met right about the time I left off with my last proper post. And for a while, they were great together.

Jenna was an amazing girl; she came from a rich family (like all of Alan's girls always did...somehow), but she was as humble & unpretentious as can be. She was smart as a whip, had a personality that could charm a rabid pit bull, and was, without any exagerration at all, one of the absolute most beautiful girls you could ever hope to see. She was about 5'1, with long, curly hair, dark Latino features, and a smile that could blind Sammy Hagar. Oh yeah, she was also a swimsuit model on the side.

Everything was great in their relationship, until Alan did what he's best at; slipped one past the goalie. he got her pregnant about a year after they started dating, and, both of them being Catholics, this was something of a crisis.

Now, I should probably explain something about Alan; through no fault of his own, the boy is extremely fertile. He has managed to be responsible for 5 pregnancies; most while using some sort of protection. I know girls who won't even sit across the table from him at dinner for fear of getting knocked up. So, I guess the inevitable was bound to happen with Jenna eventually. But, when it did, it was ugly. Real, real ugly.

The poor girl flipped out, rightly so, and after much agonizing, she decided she had to get an abortion; she wasn't ready to bring a kid into the world, and she could not let her parents find out, no matte how much it would pain her. She & I had become close friends by that time, and she wanted me to be the one to take her to have the procedure done. I told her that I would be glad to, but I thought it was Alan's place to do it. She was still mad at him at the time, but eventually she relented & they went & had it done....and Jenna was never the same afterwards.

Their relationship now was built upon a lot of pent-up anger on her part, and they started to fight constantly, with her usually running to me to talk about it afterwards. Alan knew & encouraged this, as he knew I would have his back in any situation..which I did. Pretty soon, they reconciled & she offered to give him another chance, which wenty ok for a while.

Until she got pregnant again.

This time, she was inconsolable. She was more upset than I had ever imagined seeing her, and I felt so bad for her that it killed me to see her going through all that. Alan tried to be there for her as much as she would let him, but she could barely stand to see him at that point, and neither he or I could blame her. This time, I took her to get the procedure at first, and I held her for hours afterwards while she cried it all out.

I remember that was the first time that I wished I had met her before Alan had....

Sfter the second incident, she & Alan were all but over. They tried to get back together a few times, but it never took; the pain & resentment had built up too much, and things got very, very ugly between them on more than one occasion. Alan was devastated, because he really loved Jenna...and I was dissapointed,too, because I loved them both, and wanted them to be able to be together; I knew she was good for him. Hell, Jenna would have been good for anybody.

But, eventually, it ended. Not with a whimper, either, but a bang. Their breakup was almost as ugly as mine & Kara's had been, if not more so. Alan is a pretty resilient guy, and he keeps his feelings close to his vest, but Jenna was a wreck, and I was the shoulder she picked to cry on. So, the rest of that summer...the last summer before she went off to medical school, in fact...we became even closer. We spent a lot of time together, and we grew very used to each other. At first, she would hang out maily with me & our other friend Pete, but eventually it was just she & I most of the time, which was fine by me. She was Alan's ex, though, and we have a very clear set of rules about those situations, so I always kept my distance, difficult as it was to do so. And trust me, if you knew Jenna, you'd know it was pretty damn difficult.

Eventually, she left for med school in Chicago, and we only talked sporadically. Over this time, Veronica & I had broken up yet again (after she had freaked out one night, slapped me for no reason, and knocked all my computer equipment off my desk by slinging her bag around in a fit of rage), and Alan had met the girl he would eventually marry (although they started out as just friends...remind me to tell the story about how she & I ended up in bed together before she & Alan ever did). The holidays came around, and when Jenna came back into town on school break, she called me up & we started hanging out again.

We saw a few movies over the Christmas holidays, and talked a lot on the phone. She was still shaken over everything that had happened with Alan, and she hadn't dated anyone since...which for her must have meant carrying a can of mace & wearing a paper bag over her head 24/7. Many times, we talked about what might happen had things been different & she had met me first, but that pact with my friends was made under very serious circumstances, and that was how I took it...seriously. I never so much as made a move on her.

Then came December 24th; Christmas Eve eve (that's what my grandpa used to call it. He'd call me into the living room when I was a kid, and ask me "Lil' X, you know what t'day is? It's Christmas Eve eve!". Jenna called me up & came over becuase she said she had to see me. I figured it was to give me a Christmas present...which immediately panicked me, 'cus I hadn't gotten her a damn thing. Nevertheless, I told her to come on over; I knew Jenna wasn't like Kara, and I wouldn't be in danger of having anything thrown at my head just because I hadn't gotten her a present.

So, she showed up about nine that night. My roommate let her in & so I didn't see her until she opened the door to my bedroom where I was. She had on this silky black top, and a pair of skin-tight pants that I'm sure you girls have some common name for, but that I just refer to as totally hot. She also wasn't carrying a present that I could see.

We made some small talk for a minute or two, and then I asked her what she had wanted to see me about. I remember she looked down for a moment, grabbed my hand, and led me over to sit down on my bed. Then, she looked up at me with those, big, brown eyes, and simultaneously said both the best & worst thing I could have ever hoped to hear come out of those gorgeous lips.

She said "X...I think I'm in love with you".

Well, now....

I didn't know what to say. A lesser man, or at least a lesser one than I was at that moment, would have just kissed her right then & there...and my god, did I ever want to. but I couldn't....I could never break the pact like that...even for someone like Jenna. Even if others had broken it before...I knew I couldn't do it. or, I hoped I couldn't, anyway.

So, I just said "You are?".

"I don't know...", she said, "but I think I might be."

"Well, when did this happen?", I asked.

"I don't know...I've always felt close to you, you know that...but the last few weeks, I just feel....closer. Haven't you?", she looked up at me as she asked.

"Well, you know, wether I have or not....it's not exactly that simple.", I said. "You know that."

"I know...I know...you boys & your 'rules'.", she said solemnly.

"Those rules are what's kept us all friends this long...", I told her.

"Oh, no they're not...", I remember her saying, "they're just there to keep your ego's from getting hurt..."

"Maybe that's part of it, but you know it's more than that...you know what happened with me and...that girl" (I had an aversion to speaking her name out loud for many years; she was always "that girl").

"Well, what do you think he would say?", she asked. I started to speak, and she interrupted me with "No, you're right; I know what he'd say...I don't want to hurt his feelings any more than you do...or hurt you guys' relationship"

"Well, what do you want to do, then?", I asked her. I noticed about then that we were still holding hands, and she was rubbing mine with her finger, in a way that I really...liked.

"I don't know....but I wanted to tell you. I just wanted to see....how you felt about it.", she looked down at our hands, still entertwined. I remember she looked back up at me then, and I could smell the sweetness of her hair so close to me, and the way her eyes locked on mine, and I felt myself starting to lean closer to her, totally against my will, like she was some magnet drawing me toward magnetic north.

Catching myself, I hesitated for a minute, then opened my mouth to speak, but I never got the chance. Just then, like a hurricane, Pete, eternal master of the bad timing that he is, burst through the bedroom door & slid halfway in. Kramer could've learned a thing or two from him. He looked at us, sitting on the bed, holding hands, inches away from each other's face, and said "Ok....what's going on here?"


...and back to the cliffhangers we go.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Another Day Older & Deeper in Debt....

Well, we got through it ok. It looked like, for a minute there, that the family was going to keep up the peace after it was all done, but right after the funeral yesterday, they all split off into the opposing factions again & went their seperate ways. I'm sure my grandpa appreciated having to roll over in his grave just as he was getting comfortable in it...

Regardless, it went as nicely as it could go, and I think better days are in store for my mom & hopefully everyone else, as well. I'm just bone-tired from dealing with it all. We drove by my grandparents house where I grew up yesterday, and we didn't realize they had already started to tear it down...it was only sold a couple of weeks ago. Like my mom said...it truly is the end of an era.

And hopefully, the start of a new one...for me, anyway. We'll see what happens, I guess. Roxanne did write me to send me her condolances, and it was nice to hear from her...and even nicer not to freak out about it. Thanks so much to all of you who left comments & sent me e-mails wishing me & my family well...they helped get me through the day. And thanks for being patient with my posting; I'll have a real entry tomorrow night.

But probably not today...'cus it's my birthday today. I've now officially lived longer than Jesus did...but I'm still a good ways behind on the things-I've-accomplished list. I'm workin' on it, tho...

to me...

Sunday, February 12, 2006


My grandpa died today.

He had been fading for the past few days, and we knew he might not make it through the weekend, and he finally passed away at 9:47 this morning. He went quietly, with everyone he loved around him, and I'm glad he's finally at peace. My family was actually nice to each other, as well, so I guess there's hope for us all. We'll see...

He had a long, tough life, and he worked himself to the bone for everything he ever had, and I never heard him complain about anything once. He was the closest thing to a dad that I ever had, and I loved him dearly. I'm gonna miss him somethin' fierce, and I just hope that in the years I have left, I get to live half the life that he did. I'm fine, and I know he & everyone else will be better off now, but I might be gone for a day or two. Thanks to all you guys who sent your best wishes to him in the past...I'll tell you more about him one day.

Friday, February 10, 2006

The Chronological Project

Ok, I've been meaning to do this for a while, but it took me a while to get it together. And, since I have a thousand things to do over the weekend that I've been procrastinating on, I figured this was as good a time as any to occupy the front page with it.

I've had dozens of comments in the past about how hard it is to try and go back & read The Project from the beginning, and it is a pain...I was going back through the other day, trying to find an old post, and it almost drove me up a wall.

So, what I've done is put the entire story (so far) in chronological order, omitting all the present-day ramblings & leaving just the timeline itself; if you wanna get the whole picture, you'll still have to go back through the archives. In other words, I've just made it that much easier to dwell on my past. And I just now realized it, but man...with all the words I've written on this stupid thing, I could've have started my own religion. Maybe I should; that's where the money is.

What's really funny is that you can track my listening habits over the last several months by reading the chapter titles. It makes for a fun trivia game, too...

Oh well...here ya go. I'll add to this post as The Project grows & keep it linked off to the side.

Chapter 1: Andi - Part One

Chapter 2: Andi - Part Two

Chapter 3: Gloria's Results of a Misspent Youth

Chapter 4: Enter Kara

Chapter 5: She Doesn't Look Druish?

Chapter 6: Wine, Women & Motorcycles

Chapter 7: Funeral for a Friend

Chapter 8: Triangle Man

Chapter 9: Mushrooms After Midnight

Chapter 10: Take Away this Ball & Chain

Chapter 11: Do the Right Thing

Chapter 12: Who the Hell did I Think I Was?

Chapter 13: Screw You Guys; I'm Goin' Home...

Chapter 14: Born to Run

Chapter 15: A Million Miles Away

Chapter 16: Don't Go Back to Rockville

Chapter 17: Mama, I'm Comin' Home

Chapter 18: Misplaced Childhood

Chapter 19: Clutching at Straws

Chapter 20: You Don't Have to Call Me Darlin', Darlin...

Chapter 21: Don't Give Me No Hand-Me-Down Love

Chapter 22: Don't Ask Me No Questions

Chapter 23: A Matter of Trust

Chapter 24: All She Wrote

Chapter 25: Wrong Way on a One-Way Track

Chapter 26: After the Fall

Chapter 27: Hard Luck Woman

Chapter 28: Standin' in that Doorway Like a Dream

Chapter 29: Time Wounds All Heels

Chapter 30: Blinded by the Light

Chapter 31: Cut Loose Like a Deuce

Chapter 32: The Future Ain't What it Used to Be

Chapter 33: Mona Lisa's & Mad Hatters

Chapter 34: Close, but not Touching

Chapter 35: Lost Boys & Golden Girls

Chapter 36: Reason to Believe

Chapter 37: Thought I'd Lost the Blues...Thought I'd Paid my Dues

Chapter 38: This Time, Darlin'

Chapter 39: Meanwhile, Back in 1993...

Chapter 40: Snowblind

Chapter 41: Magic & Loss

Chapter 42: Late of Conscience

Chapter 43: Alone Again in the Lap of Luxury

Chapter 44: Put the Load Right on Me

Chapter 45: Dishes are Done

Chapter 46: Out of the Frying Pan

Chapter 47: ...and Into the Fire

Chapter 48: Heat of the Moment

Chapter 49: Circling the Wagons

Chapter 50: Reasons

Chapter 51: Night Moves

Chapter 52: Sneakin' Sally Through the Alley

Chapter 53: Windows are for Cheaters, Chimneys for the Poor

Chapter 54: Ghosts of Ex's Past - Part One

Chapter 55: Thorn in my Pride

Chapter 56: Childlike Faith in Childhood's End

Chapter 57: The Last Waltz

Chapter 58: Send Me Dead Flowers

Chapter 59: Skating Away, on the Thin Ice of a New Day

I haven't revised this page in a while, so you'll have to just read on from there yourself...I'll do it soon, I promise!

Thursday, February 9, 2006


While I was out of town, I got totally tagged by Rachel, over at Wicked Ink to fill out the following list...and now that I see it in print, "getting tagged by Rachel from Wicked Ink" sounds like I either got a new tattoo or scored with a chick from a bar band...neither of which happened. Still, took me a while to get to it, but here it is...

The Ex-Boyfriend's List of 8 "Perfect Partner" Requirements

1. She must at least be old enough to remember who shot J.R.

2. She must hold a position, one way or another, on the Van Halen/Van Hagar split.

3. She must know that Jethro Tull is not a person.

4. She must have owned Wonder Woman Underoos as a child (truthfully, owning any type of Superheroine costume at any age will suffice. Bonus points if she still has one that fits).

5. She must like Pina Coladas, gettin' caught in the rain, not be into yoga, and have half a brain. If it's 3 out of 4, lose the Coladas...

6. She must be faithful.

7. She must be self-confident & secure of who she is.

8. She must not bore easily...

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Which Superhero are You?

Alright; I got the idea from Frankie, but my results were far too cool to keep to myself...

Your results:
You are Spider-Man
Green Lantern
Wonder Woman
The Flash
Iron Man
You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.
Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Roxanne used to quote that "great responsibility" bit to me...but I didn't heed it, and it didn't do us any good. Oh well. I wonder what kind of criteria you have to fit to be The Hulk?

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Which is the way back here....

Well, what to write, what to write...

I don't really want to turn this into just a day-in-the-life type blog, so I'll refrain from telling you all about the trip & how stuff looks to be actually falling into place & how they treated me like some kinda big-shot for some reason & all that. Besides, if I talk to much about it, it may compromise my precious anonymity, as well...and we can't have that, can we?

But, I do know one thing: for whatever reason, at this moment, I'm okay enough with my past not to want to whine about it right now. Maybe this whole thing is actually working? Or maybe it's just that I don't want to spoil my good mood by having to dive back into the miasma of writing about Veronica, which is where I would be chronologically in the story right about now. Yes, I know I've said that's the stuff I probably really need to work out, but right now, I feel pretty worked, and don't feel like having that craziness back in my head.

So, what to do? I'm thinking I might do a Pulp Fiction kinda thing & maybe skip around the order of events a bit. Maybe I'll jump ahead a couple of years to J.C., seeing as how I'm dealing with tight-assed producers lately, and that reminds me of her, bless her. Actually, what I should do is finish the story about Jenna, that I started on Christmas & never went back to. She never really qualified for her own color, for a lot of reasons, but she was important, nonetheless. Yeah, maybe that's the ticket...

What do I want to write about, tho? I mean, I do want to write about all that stuff, but I also have a million other things flying through my head right now. Maybe I'll start another blog set in the present....but no, that would just be one more thing I had to keep up with, and it looks like I'll have plenty of those coming up.

That's another thing...with all the work I'm gonna have to be doing on this project, I'm not gonna be able to be as lazy anymore as I'm used to...and that sucks. I mean, I know it's all good, and it will be good for me, but still...I like routines, and I get used to 'em. In any case, I have my work cut out for me, and I can't screw this one up or let myself get complacent with it. Gotta make this happen...

So, yeah, I guess you can tell that my mind is all over the place....but hey...at least it's not stuck in the past! I'll try to ramble less next time...just gotta sit down & see what pours out, I guess. That's the way I do everything else, anyway....

Good to be home, tho ;)

Monday, February 6, 2006


I'm back...things went great...movie's on...blogger's been down...good mood...very tired...more to come...

Friday, February 3, 2006

Hotel Hobbies....

I saw the beach today.

You have to understand something about mt & the beach; there's something about it that just puts my soul at ease, no matter what else is going on. It's been almost 3 years since I've so much as seen the beach, and this morning, walking along the sand with the sun rising behind my back, I swear I could see how someone could just drop out & become a beach bum forever. Just give me some shorts, some Jimmy Buffett, and a place to sit & watch the ocean, and I'm pretty sure I'd be content for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself I'll move to the beach one day...but then again, I keep telling myself a lot of things. Still...it did me more good than I can even begin to tell you.

There's also something to be said for living out of hotels while on the road; you can trash the place every morning & it's always clean when you get back, the towels are plentiful, the water pressure is good, and there's all the free ice you can carry. The free wireless internet is the real bonus, tho...

I've spent my fair share of time in more hotels across the world than I can count; some nice & so not so. One time, while I was on a job in Vegas a few years back, I ran afoul of the local Teamsters at the trade show we were working, and I was kicked out of the Las Vegas Convention Center & presumably banned from working in the facility for life. This happened about 3 days into a 3-week trip, so I just decided not to say anything & lie low in the hotel room that had already been booked for me for the next 3 weeks & see if I would still get paid. So, I spent those weeks laying by the pool during the day, and hanging out in the hotel's casino all night. I won about $300 and that, combined with my per diem, allowed me a nice little free vacation. I finally ran into another guy from our crew the day before we were supposed to leave, and he & everybody else had thought I had gotten on a plane home weeks ago. My crew took care of the job, my boss never ended up flying out to check on things, I still got my check & nobody was ever the wiser. That was good times...

Then there was the time I almost burned down a hotel in the south of France because I was trying to cook a pizza in the little built-in room oven, and I ouldn't make the conversions from fahrenheit to celcius, so the thing went up like a tinderbox, filling the room with so much smoke that the alarms went off & they evacuated the floor.

And of course, there was the hotel in Miami, where we stole a key to our bosses room, stole all the furniture & set it up in the continental breakfast room next door, along with his alarm clock & luggage. There was a running $100 bet that he was gonna fire us on the spot (which I could have cared less about at that point), but one of the guys (who was a lil' weasel that nobody got along with) chickened out & tried to move everything back without us knowing, and the hotel staff caught him dragging the TV stand down the hall & called the cops. Of course, we denied everything & they called the cops on him and tossed him ut of the place, where he had to sneak back in at night & bunk w' somebody else for the remainder of the trip. God, I wish we'd have gotten pictures of that...

Then, there was the time in France again where I had hooked up with this really hot English girl who was staying there, and after work that night, I went to go take a shower & brush my teeth before heading down to my room, and I mistakenly gabbed my roommate's tube of Icy-Hot instead of my toothpaste. You ever had your gums feel like someone's holding a red-hot poker to them? Try it sometime. I couldn't feel a thing in my mouth for two days, which, under the circumstances, was a damn, damn shame.

So, in other words, I've learned to make the most of life on the road. I haven't done it for a few years, but this trip has brouht back a lot of good memories so far.

Also, things have been going really great for us down here. We've secured the services of a highly respected makeup FX artist, who's worked on everything from Planet of the Apes to Manhunter, and the film commission here has been bending over backwards to help us. Now, if someone would just sign that final check so we'd actually have the money to make the damn thing. It'll happen tho...I' pretty sure about it now. And the ride down wasn't even too tough on my bad back...although the Codeine I scored from my shady lil' brother sure didn't hurt...

Anyway, I'm about to nod off from exhaustion, but I was so jazzed about getting this stupid wireless connection to work that I had to write something. I'll hopefeully be done earlier tomorrow night & can post again soon...so, until then, I'll see you guys later. I'm gonna go try to steal all the towels from my boss' room & then go pass out....