Thorn in my pride...
I know it's taken me a while, but you see, if I write this, it will all be over. I'll have no more excuses to dwell on it anymore, no more reasons to do anything but finally put it behind me. There's some kind of finality in writing it all down, and the whole point of this thing was to put all this behind me once & for all, anyway. And yes, I'm aware that's exactly what I need to do...especially in this case.
So why is my mind drawing a blank? Why can't I get a clear picture of the events that seem to be so goddamn important even now? I mean, I remember what happened...I remember what was said...I just...I dunno, somehow certain things about the chronology are fuzzy. Maybe I'm fuzzing them up subconciously...
And you know what's really funny? I've been sitting here trying to write this for almost three hours now, and I'm supposed to go to Ted's house to watch the hockey game in about 30 minutes...yes, you read that right.
Why is this so damn hard? Sometimes I sit down here & it all just comes pouring out, without me even having to think about it, sometimes I remember things here that I had completely forgotten, and with everything (and everybody else) else that I've talked about here, it's always felt good to just sit down & write it. But getting through this thing with Kara has been like pulling teeth, and I'm sure there are a million dimestore psychiatrists reasons why...
All I know is, whatever happened with us during that summer is basically what I've judged everything else in my life against that's happened since. Everything I have done, in any relationship, with anyone else, has been done, at least in some way, to try and recapture the feeling that I had back then, with Kara. I suppose I've known that, at least on some level, all along. And even after all I've written & thought about it, now & in the past, I still don't really have any idea exactly why. There was no single moment that happened where I saw the clouds part & the light shining down & heard the choirs singing, but something happened in those stolen moments we had together that stayed with me forever. I guess part of what makes this so difficult is that, if I do finally put it all on the page & in the past, I might not be any closer to figuring it all out & actually getting over it than I was before...and trust me, no matter how it may seem, I want to get over it...once & for all.
But, I gotta go to Ted's now & swim knee-deep in the irony...jesus, life is funny. I'm workin' on it...I promise.
So why is my mind drawing a blank? Why can't I get a clear picture of the events that seem to be so goddamn important even now? I mean, I remember what happened...I remember what was said...I just...I dunno, somehow certain things about the chronology are fuzzy. Maybe I'm fuzzing them up subconciously...
And you know what's really funny? I've been sitting here trying to write this for almost three hours now, and I'm supposed to go to Ted's house to watch the hockey game in about 30 minutes...yes, you read that right.
Why is this so damn hard? Sometimes I sit down here & it all just comes pouring out, without me even having to think about it, sometimes I remember things here that I had completely forgotten, and with everything (and everybody else) else that I've talked about here, it's always felt good to just sit down & write it. But getting through this thing with Kara has been like pulling teeth, and I'm sure there are a million dimestore psychiatrists reasons why...
All I know is, whatever happened with us during that summer is basically what I've judged everything else in my life against that's happened since. Everything I have done, in any relationship, with anyone else, has been done, at least in some way, to try and recapture the feeling that I had back then, with Kara. I suppose I've known that, at least on some level, all along. And even after all I've written & thought about it, now & in the past, I still don't really have any idea exactly why. There was no single moment that happened where I saw the clouds part & the light shining down & heard the choirs singing, but something happened in those stolen moments we had together that stayed with me forever. I guess part of what makes this so difficult is that, if I do finally put it all on the page & in the past, I might not be any closer to figuring it all out & actually getting over it than I was before...and trust me, no matter how it may seem, I want to get over it...once & for all.
But, I gotta go to Ted's now & swim knee-deep in the irony...jesus, life is funny. I'm workin' on it...I promise.
9 Comments:
Just get back soon.
irony, indeed. maybe that's part of the reason you're drawing a blank right now??
i say you go do the male bonding thing, get yerself drunk, and come back to the computer and type the god forsaken finale to this cliff hanger already.
go thrashers!!!
Do you understand how strange this sounds X? It's like the opposite of John Derek and all of his wives. Certainly you can realize that something like this is only considered "healthy" at a swingers club. DON'T HANG OUT WITH HER EX LOVERS! You will switch from Marlboros to Crack before Easter. Get a grip!
When the time is right for you, the blog will be easy to write. Yes, we're an audience who is dying for the next chapter, but we'll live. This is your blog, your project, so you get to take as long as damn well need.
In response to your comment to LizNichole-- Yes, u are correct. Men are good for something. http://beemore03.blogspot.com/2006/01/re-evaluation-of-gender-roles.html
From all appearances, the one thing that has remained a constant in your life is your friends. From the chonology it appears you have some very long term friendships. What feedback have you gotten from them on the ex's? Are you keeping this blog a secret? If so, has anyone caught you?
The women seem to be a constant point of sorrow for you, but the friends seem to stay steady (with a few exceptions). I am just curious their reaction
Thanks for understanding, guys...
And Mazer; yes...I've been blessed with the best friends anyone could have, who have always been there....and they've saved my life more than once.
but no...they don't know about this blog. Only person who knows is my friend Elaine, and she only knows about it; she's never read it. If the site ever mysteriously dissappears one day, then you'll know it's because somebody I know found it....maybe we should set up a secret meeting place, just in case...
My comment seems so out of place on your page. I don't think I really read your entry at all. As I read it now, being in a similar position, I understand your sentiment. It's refreshing to see someone articulate feelings that are hard to express.
It is really hard to get over that 'special someone'. I actually had tons of problems and no matter what I did or where I looked I was thinking of that very person. I suggest try reading and listening to music, it calms the soul. Try this book out, it really helped me- Curing my Broken Heart
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