Monday, December 19, 2005

Sneakin' Sally thru the alley....

I've been sitting here for two hours now trying to start writing. I know that I've been whining about how hard all this has been to wade through again, and I know you're all probably tired of hearing it & wish I'd just get the hell on with it & get it over I'll try. Somehow.

The next evening, Kara called me again. She said that she was able to get out of the house for the night, and wondered if I wanted to go do something. Of course; anything.

She came over right about sundown, and I remember seeing her pull in to the lot from my balcony, park way down the alley out of sight, and watching her saunter up the stairs, twirling her keys around her finger. When she walked in the door, she did something I can't remember her ever doing before; she reached up & kissed me hello...and she smiled. I asked her what she wanted to do & she said she was hungry; she weighed 105 pounds soaking wet, but she was always hungry...

She asked if we could take my car, 'cus she was afraid we might be spotted out together...just like the old days, I thought. So, we drove around for a while in my truck, deciding where we wanted to go, when I suggested we try a steak place that had been a fixture in my neighborhood for years, but was always a little pricey for me to try out. Neither she or I were much of the fancy restaurant type (and to be truthful, the place wasn't all that fancy...but for us, anything swankier than Applebees was considered uptown), but I pushed for it and she got excited about the idea, so we went.

Kara & I had been out to dinner probably hundreds of times before, at just about every kind of place you could imagine, but this time, it was different; even though we had dated before, it had never been like we were on a real date...if that makes any sense. Maybe it had, but not often. Regardless, the dinner we had that night was one of the most memorable ones of my life; we talked for hours, we laughed, and after a while, the conversation started to drift to the subject of us.

I asked her again how she had been explaining all the time she'd been spending out of the house to Ted, and I remember she hung her head a moment, and said that she hadn't told him anything yet, but that she was pretty sure he suspected something already. She had told him that she had been spending a lot of time with her little brother, who had been having a lot of problems lately, but she knew that excuse would only work for another day or so, tops. So I asked her why she kept giving him excuses. The exchange went something pretty much like this, give or take:

ME: Why are you even making excuses that you know he'll just find out are lies; why don't you just tell him now?

KARA: Just tell him what?

ME: Well, that we've started seeing each other again, and that we've been talking about getting back together

KARA: All that is, is talk right now, though...

ME: It's all talk as long as you're still shacking up with him & not doing anything about it. What do you expect me to do, Kara, just let you live with him & come jump on me whenever you feel like it? You know I'll put up with a lot from you, but I'm not gonna be the 'other guy', even for you...

KARA: I know; you don't deserve to be the other guy. I just don't know what to do...

ME: What do you want to do?

KARA: I don't know. Right now, I want to be here with you.

ME: But you want to go home to him tonight?

KARA: I don't know what I want...but I have to go home to him tonight.

ME: Why?

KARA: Because I can't just leave him out in the cold like that, X; no matter if I might or might not want to. Ted's been too good to me, and I've learned a lot about myself being with him...half the reason I'm able to be so open with you now is because of that.

I had to admit, she had changed since she had been with him. She was kinder, sweeter, more affectionate...a noticeable change from the stand-offish little Kara I had grown up with. I knew that, no matter how much it pained me to say it, being with him had helped her grow into an even more amazing person, if that was possible.

ME: So do you love him?

KARA: Of course I love him.

ME: Are you in love with him?

KARA: I don't know....

ME: Are you in love with me?

I don't know. I know I love you. I know that you & I still have something that I've never had anywhere else. I know I'm drawn to you & I always have been. I just don't know what being in love is, I guess...or I'd know what I want.

ME: Well, I believe you, Kara...but you can't just have your cake & eat it, too. You can't do that to me or Ted. You have to make up your mind about what it is you want.

I remember she sat there for a minute just looking me in the eye, and then she just nodded. So I asked her what she wanted to do. She said "I want to go home with you, right now. I'll worry about later later." So, we got our things, paid our tab, and walked out.

As we were walking out of the restaurant, I instinctively put my arm around the small of her back while I walked beside her, as I had always done. That time, though, she really shocked me, and she did something else that she'd never done before...she reached back & held my hand, and we walked like that all the way to my car. I had never held her hand in public before...or anywhere outside of my bed, probably. I know it's the most normal thing in the world, but for her to do that, it was huge; that just wasn't something she did. It felt like the first time I had ever held a girls hand; it was like all the static electricity in our bodies passed between us. I knew how silly it was even then, but it just made me fall even harder & faster for the new & improved Kara. We sat in my car and we kissed for a moment before driving off.

We got to my place a few minutes later, but, parking in the lot across the alley from my building, we looked over and saw a ton of our friends' cars parked outside our apartment. Pete's, Mark's, Jay's, Mindy's...the whole gang was there, and neither one of us wanted to walk in there & face the barrage of questioning we'd inevitably be subjected to. So, we did what any two young kids in love with no place else to go always do; we made out in the parking lot like a couple of rabid weasels.

It was amazing; it was the beginning of the summer and the air was just right, the stars were so bright out you could see them even over the lights of the city, a breeze was blowing through the alley, and she was wearing this little, billowy, cream-colored summer dress that made her look like a Greek siren luring away the sailors. I remember we sat there in my front seat with the roof down & just kissed for what had to be a solid hour.

After a while, though, we were suddenly startled by the sound of a loud SPLAT hitting the windshield. We both jumped out of our seats & bolted up to see what happened. The windshield was soaked with water. Confused, I turned the wipers on & saw Alan & Pete standing up on our balcony, brandishing a pair of Super-Soaker squirt guns & laughing like The Joker. They let loose another barrage & arced it over the roof this time, spraying the both of us pretty good. Kara screamed & dove down into my lap, as I looked around the car for a way to defend myself, in case it came to that.

Of course, once they had broken the mood of our special moment, their work was done, and they strolled on back inside, rifles slung over their shoulders. We laughed about it for a minute, but afterwards, Kara looked up at my window & said "Your friends don't like me."

That wasn't true, I told her; they were just looking out for me. It wasn't like they didn't have reason to, I reminded her. Then, I remember she said "So why are you still here with me, then?"

"Because I love you", I told her. "I always have."

I wasn't looking for her to say it...I didn't expect it....hell, after all this time, I honestly don't think the possibility of it even crossed my mind...but she said it. She said "I love you, too".

I knew it, to a point; she knew I knew it...but she didn't say it lightly, and she knew that I knew that, also.

And so I just asked her "Then what's the problem, Kara? There it is, right there, all spelled out for what's the problem?"

"I don't know", she said. "You know me; I just do what feels right to me."

"Well, tell me this: does this feel right to you?"
I remember I grabbed her hand, pulled her to me, and looked her right in the eye as I asked her. I remember she opened her fingers up & intertwined them with mine as I put my other arm around her waist. "Does this feel right; right here, right now? Is this what you want, or isn't it?"

She looked at me for a minute & then kissed me once, for a long second, before she said "If I knew it was always going to be like this, right here; if this is really how it would feel if you & I were together again...then, yes. This is what I would want."

"So, what does that mean?", I asked her.

"It means what I just said; but there's no way we can know if it will really be like this."

"Well, it's like this now...and I can only imagine it would be even better if certain things weren't in the way.", I said.

"I know...but they are in the way right now, and I don't know what I'm going to do about them. I feel bad enough for the things I'm doing already." She looked down at her hands as she spoke. "I couldn't just leave him like that; not just running off with you that way; it'd kill him."

I got righteous in the blink of an eye. "Oh, but you could just leave me like that? Did you think I'd enjoy it or something? How much did you wrestle with yourself then?"

She got just as loud, just as fast; cutting me off. "I didn't just leave you like that! You know I had never promised you anything! I'm sorry it was different with you, but you know it was. I live with him. And yes, I did wrestle with it; you know I never wanted to hurt you, and I don't want to go through all this again!"

How convenient. "Of course you don't want to go through this again; you want me to just forget about the fact that I've always had to take second-place to every other guy who's ever been in your life that isn't me!"

Louder still, and two inches from my face. "I've told you I'm sorry as many ways as I can, and I'm not doing it anymore! But that's right; he isn't you! When I left you, yes, it hurt me, and I felt awful, and I never wanted you to be hurt, but I also knew you, X, and I knew that you'd be ok. I knew that Alan & Pete & Jerry would be there for you, and that you'd find some other girl before you even knew it, and that even if you never spoke to me again, that you'd still have Roxanne, and'd be ok somehow. I don't know that about Ted, and I know you understand what I mean. I'm the only girl he's ever been halfway serious with, and I live with him, and I know that he's got enough issues already, without me doing this to him!". By the end of it, she had lowered her voice to almost a whisper.

I didn't yell. "Well, you're already doing it to him, Kara...and you're doing it to me, too. And you've got to figure out what the hell it is that you wanna do, and do it...once and for all. It's all in your hands, just like it's always been..."

She looked out the window for a minute, still holding my hand, and said simply "I know."

I had to ask it. "So...what do you want to do?"

She looked back at me, still two inches from my face.

"Kiss you...", she said.

Damn her all to hell.....that's exactly what went through my head at that moment. What else could I do?

About that time, kissing in the quiet after the storm, we heard the voices up on the balcony again. I don't know how long they had been there, and I'm sure they hadn't just come out there to spy, but they were all on the porch, and they were all watching us. We realized that we weren't going to get any privacy that night. So, since it was getting late anyway, she decided to go on back home. I asked her if she wanted to stay, but she said "Not this time". I walked her back to her car in the garage across the alley, kissed her goodbye, and walked back home as she drove away to the catcalls & hoots of my idiot friends, whom I love so very dearly.

Throughout our entire conversation, I never had a moments doubt about how she was really feeling, or what she really wanted. It was just a matter of time. She'd tell Ted eventually, the path would be cleared for us, and the future would be wide open. I had not one single doubt in my mind then that we would end up together. I even realized how crazy that sounded & tried to find some way I could be kidding myself, but it just all seemed so right, and so sure, and so...fated.

You believe in fate?


Blogger Moon Watcher recalled...

Is this post one of the main reasons you are doing this? Is this the climax of the story? Could it possibly get more intense than this???

Monday, December 19, 2005 6:38:00 AM  
Blogger Ophelia recalled...

I don't know if I believe in fate, per se. I DO know & believe that everything happens for a reason. When the proverbial shit hits the fan, we are usually left wondering exactly what that reason is for a while. Then, one day - usually when you least expect it - that perfectly good reason sneaks up behind you and kicks you in the ass and suddenly everything makes sense.

Monday, December 19, 2005 8:50:00 AM  
Blogger Trix recalled...

Oh, Jesus, EXBF, this is too much! It should NEVER have to be this hard!

Monday, December 19, 2005 9:27:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

fuckin a I do......

Monday, December 19, 2005 9:46:00 AM  
Blogger Ex-Addict recalled...

I just found your blog & I love it! I love how you remember all the details & show your feelings. And that comes from someone who is very much a Kara. Can't wait to hear the rest!

Monday, December 19, 2005 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger Frankie recalled...

no...but what control freak does?

Monday, December 19, 2005 10:05:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

i believe in destiny ... life has purpose but we control the outcome. i just, HATE this girl more than anything, i keep wanting to tell your old self to run far far away. but you can't change the past.

maybe this is good for you, i hope you find the courage to keep going ...

good luck

Monday, December 19, 2005 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn! recalled...

Gawd, i want someone (that i really LOVE, not some schmoe that is only good as arm candy) to be this attached to me...holy crap got owned by that girl!!!

you're such a romantic that you were willing to put up with that shite. amazing.

Monday, December 19, 2005 1:35:00 PM  
Blogger marina recalled...

hey x, you started you blog with the "I". LOL!
a poem that reminds me of someone as kara

The girl's got many potential problems
Ones that you won't look for
Hidden behind those eyes
And when you take a second to know her
Then you'll know quite frankly
That you believed her lies
Why is it that every time
I've got nothing on my mind
I always end up thinking of you
The girl's got something you won't count on
Something you won't notice
Something on her mind
And when you find yourself encompassed
Her blind faith accomplice
Signed on the dotted line
Why is it that every time
I've got nothing on my mind
I always end up thinking of you
No, I
Don't want to go back
Step on the cracks
That I made
No, I
Don't want to go there
Don't think that it's fair
To me
When you see the signs
And then you realize you knew, too
But then again you choose to
Believing's not a crime
Why is it that every time
I've got nothing on my mind
I always end up thinking of you
You know it's true

Monday, December 19, 2005 2:39:00 PM  
Blogger True recalled...

I believe in fate, it's just convincing members of the opposite sex. We all need more fate to make things interesting.

Monday, December 19, 2005 9:01:00 PM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...


Tuesday, December 20, 2005 10:51:00 AM  
Blogger Jhena recalled...

Until now, I still don't know what was wrong with her.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 6:11:00 PM  
Blogger J recalled...

Oh, man. You're in for it. You should have known something that good doesn't last.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 3:53:00 AM  
Blogger mad recalled...

I believe in fate. I don't believe though that you have to put up with Kara's crap though. Why didn't you just walk away after you realised that she wasn't going to leave Ted. She was spoilt, always got whatever she wanted. I don't like her :)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 2:56:00 PM  
Blogger NakedSoul71 recalled...

We decide our own fate. I too would have continued with Kara, thinking it were fate, and knowing it would end tragically

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 4:24:00 PM  
Blogger PrincessMax recalled...

I don't believe in fate. I think that all things are interconnected. Causes and effect ripples are infinite. I believe that coincidence causes our awareness of the specific interconnectedness of some things to be heightened. In other words, coincidence dyes one thread in the great tapestry to be colored red against a drab background. That red thread (ha, ha, it rhymes) anyway, that red thread just feels like fate when in reality, the warp and weave, push and pull of all the other causes, all the other effects simply force some events towards what seems like the inevitable, because all you really notice is the red thread.

Oh, wait, was that question rhetorical? :-)

Thursday, December 22, 2005 8:42:00 AM  
Blogger Joe recalled...

that sounds like a love pulse cosmic matrix!

Thursday, December 22, 2005 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Forever Amber recalled...

Great post. WOW!

Thursday, December 22, 2005 12:17:00 PM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...


Thursday, December 22, 2005 5:14:00 PM  
Blogger Jenifer D. recalled...

ExBF, are you stoned or just really stupid for taking this girl back? You let Kara stomp all over your heart and your self-esteem with her hooves and yet, you keep coming back for more! What's it going to take to wake you up and smell the cowpies? A trip to the Free Clinic after this gal gives you a scorching case of VD because she's an indiscriminate tramp?

Thursday, December 22, 2005 8:36:00 PM  
Blogger Paul recalled...

Jennifer D, he's really that stupid.

"if I knew it was always going to be like this..."

...what a moron. Unless with "like this" she was referring to her selfishness, because then she hit the nail on the head.

Hmmm... this milk is sour... maybe tomorrow it will be fresh!!!

Sunday, March 14, 2010 8:25:00 AM  
Blogger hannah recalled...

A month ago I was exactly feeling how you are feeling now, in pain, crying, heart broken, and then I found this site and I followed their instructions, I had my girlfriend come back to me in no time so fast !! I was so so happy and I'm still very happy, don't give up! I suggest you view the free videos that tell you what to do on

Monday, September 20, 2010 11:58:00 PM  

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