Reasons...
I've been hit with comments & e-mails the last few days by people who are absolutely horrified to see how Kara popped back into my life & how quickly I...popped back into her. Just like my friends back then (and ever since), I've been asked why I let someone who had obviously hurt me so badly have the opportunity to do it again. Before I continue on with everyone yelling at me back through the past to 'stop!', I guess I should try to explore just what the hell I was thinking...
First of all, it wasn't the sex. Yes, it was amazing between us, but there's no such thing as bad sex when you're 22, and had that been all I was after, I could have gone elsewhere & appeased myself. It wasn't the way she looked, either. Yes, she was gorgeous, but so were a lot of other girls that were around back then...many of whom had not ripped my heart out & slept with half my friends, so, were it all just in the eye of the beholder, I could have beheld someone else. And it wasn't the fact that she was so unattainable, either. Sure, her unpredictability made her attractive, and it's only natural to chase after something that runs from you, but had she been any other girl, I would've put up with her drama for about 11 seconds before saying adios.
It wasn't the way that she treated me or the fact that she knew she had me wrapped around her finger & took advantage of it. I'm honestly not a glutton for punishment, and I didn't enjoy the way she made me feel sometimes or the pain I went through over her...and I certainly didn't come back for more of that.
I came back for the same reason she did; the connection we had between us.
I've said before how well we got along & how easy it was to talk to each other, but I don't know if I can really explain the full extent of it. We just knew each other. Our thoughts just flowed together effortlessly; we could talk about anything...anytime. She had this...I feel like I wrote all this already..or maybe I've just thought it a hundred times...she had this way of making you feel like every minute you spent with her, you were seeing the whole world for the first time. Everything was fascinating to her, and she made you feel that fascination too.
And she was smart, too. Scary smart. Aside from her feminine wiles, she was the best bullshit detector I ever saw. Woe be to anyone who mistook her for just some cute chick; she could argue with a tree & win, and she could make you think that everything you ever believed was flat-out wrong. She wasn't arrogant or obnoxious in the least, though; she had a kind of humbleness & grace about her that made completely disarming. I would be absolutely amazed by the things that would come out of her mouth.
I remember us sitting on the grass out in in the park for hours & hours on end, just looking up at the sky and talking about whatever came to our minds. We both laughed at the same things, and we made each other laugh. We could look at something & the same thought would occur to us at the same time, and we would laugh about it a minute later. And, when we were alone, and the rest of the world couldn't see, she would finally let down that tough-chick exterior she always kept up, and she would just be this vulnerable, brilliant young girl that it seemed like she only showed to me.
And yes, she was fickle, and yes, she was selfish sometimes, and yes, she was concerned with Kara's happiness more than anyone else's, and yes, she did me wrong...but all I can tell you is that, even through all that, the good was so damn good that it made me want to overlook the bad. I don't make any excuses for it, and I don't expect anybody to understand...I guess you just had to be there.
Then again, I was there...and here I am over a decade later still trying to figure it all out.
I don't usually do this, but there's a Springsteen song that always has & always will remind me of Kara; it isn't the specific words, so much as the feel of the song & what it says that makes me think of her...the good things and the bad things. And if you've never heard it, you should try, 'cus it's really good. And it's Bruce...and you can never have too much Bruce.
Mary, Queen of Arkansas
© 1973, Bruce Springsteen
Mary, Queen of Arkansas,
It's not too early for dreamin'
The sky is grown with cloud seed sown,
And this bastard's love can be redeeming
Mary, my queen, your soft bulk is reviving...
No, you're not too late to desecrate, the servants are just rising
Well I'm just a lonely acrobat, the live wire is my trade
I've been a change man at your laundromat,
And a wharf rat of your state
Mary, my queen, your blows for freedom are missing...
You're not man enough for me to hate,
Or woman enough for kissing
The big top is for dreamers,
We can take the circus all the way to the border
And the gallows wait for martyrs,
Whose papers are in order
But I was not born to live to die,
And you were not born for queenin'...
It's not too late to infiltrate,
The servants are just leavin'
Mary, Queen of Arkansas,
Your white skin is deceivin'
You wake and wait to lie in bait,
And you almost got me believin'
But on your bed Mary,
I can see the shadow of a noose...
I don't understand how you can hold me so tight,
And love me so damn loose
But I know a place where we can go Mary,
Where I can get a good job, and start all over again clean
I got contacts deep in Mexico,
Where the servants have been seen...
And no...I don't live in Arkansas.
First of all, it wasn't the sex. Yes, it was amazing between us, but there's no such thing as bad sex when you're 22, and had that been all I was after, I could have gone elsewhere & appeased myself. It wasn't the way she looked, either. Yes, she was gorgeous, but so were a lot of other girls that were around back then...many of whom had not ripped my heart out & slept with half my friends, so, were it all just in the eye of the beholder, I could have beheld someone else. And it wasn't the fact that she was so unattainable, either. Sure, her unpredictability made her attractive, and it's only natural to chase after something that runs from you, but had she been any other girl, I would've put up with her drama for about 11 seconds before saying adios.
It wasn't the way that she treated me or the fact that she knew she had me wrapped around her finger & took advantage of it. I'm honestly not a glutton for punishment, and I didn't enjoy the way she made me feel sometimes or the pain I went through over her...and I certainly didn't come back for more of that.
I came back for the same reason she did; the connection we had between us.
I've said before how well we got along & how easy it was to talk to each other, but I don't know if I can really explain the full extent of it. We just knew each other. Our thoughts just flowed together effortlessly; we could talk about anything...anytime. She had this...I feel like I wrote all this already..or maybe I've just thought it a hundred times...she had this way of making you feel like every minute you spent with her, you were seeing the whole world for the first time. Everything was fascinating to her, and she made you feel that fascination too.
And she was smart, too. Scary smart. Aside from her feminine wiles, she was the best bullshit detector I ever saw. Woe be to anyone who mistook her for just some cute chick; she could argue with a tree & win, and she could make you think that everything you ever believed was flat-out wrong. She wasn't arrogant or obnoxious in the least, though; she had a kind of humbleness & grace about her that made completely disarming. I would be absolutely amazed by the things that would come out of her mouth.
I remember us sitting on the grass out in in the park for hours & hours on end, just looking up at the sky and talking about whatever came to our minds. We both laughed at the same things, and we made each other laugh. We could look at something & the same thought would occur to us at the same time, and we would laugh about it a minute later. And, when we were alone, and the rest of the world couldn't see, she would finally let down that tough-chick exterior she always kept up, and she would just be this vulnerable, brilliant young girl that it seemed like she only showed to me.
And yes, she was fickle, and yes, she was selfish sometimes, and yes, she was concerned with Kara's happiness more than anyone else's, and yes, she did me wrong...but all I can tell you is that, even through all that, the good was so damn good that it made me want to overlook the bad. I don't make any excuses for it, and I don't expect anybody to understand...I guess you just had to be there.
Then again, I was there...and here I am over a decade later still trying to figure it all out.
I don't usually do this, but there's a Springsteen song that always has & always will remind me of Kara; it isn't the specific words, so much as the feel of the song & what it says that makes me think of her...the good things and the bad things. And if you've never heard it, you should try, 'cus it's really good. And it's Bruce...and you can never have too much Bruce.
Mary, Queen of Arkansas
© 1973, Bruce Springsteen
Mary, Queen of Arkansas,
It's not too early for dreamin'
The sky is grown with cloud seed sown,
And this bastard's love can be redeeming
Mary, my queen, your soft bulk is reviving...
No, you're not too late to desecrate, the servants are just rising
Well I'm just a lonely acrobat, the live wire is my trade
I've been a change man at your laundromat,
And a wharf rat of your state
Mary, my queen, your blows for freedom are missing...
You're not man enough for me to hate,
Or woman enough for kissing
The big top is for dreamers,
We can take the circus all the way to the border
And the gallows wait for martyrs,
Whose papers are in order
But I was not born to live to die,
And you were not born for queenin'...
It's not too late to infiltrate,
The servants are just leavin'
Mary, Queen of Arkansas,
Your white skin is deceivin'
You wake and wait to lie in bait,
And you almost got me believin'
But on your bed Mary,
I can see the shadow of a noose...
I don't understand how you can hold me so tight,
And love me so damn loose
But I know a place where we can go Mary,
Where I can get a good job, and start all over again clean
I got contacts deep in Mexico,
Where the servants have been seen...
And no...I don't live in Arkansas.
7 Comments:
I don't understand how you can hold me so tight,
And love me so damn loose
i can't tell you how many times that line has run through my head when i'm sitting around my apartment thinking about the kind of thing you're writing about.
there are just some things that are said best in song. and springsteen is the best at saying them.
You had me, you lost me, and now I'm finally starting to get it. This isn't about sex or love or self torture. This woman "Kara" is a fantastic person that cannot be roped or classified. Reading your story you get the impression that she is a self-involved biatch, but this is "your" story. I'm dyin to read hers. I want to meet her and buy her a Fresca.
Oh well. This is so expected. It always comes back to Kara. I wonder if it's still the same now. Isn't it Ex?
Well, like I said, I could certainly be wrong, and I'm not trying to pass judgement on your past. It was what it was, and there's no changing it at this point. The 39 year old me can look back at the 22 year old me and wonder what the hell I was thinking... I'm so not the same person. I'm actually a grown up now, which is scary. I guess I'm wondering why you're trying to look back on the actions of a 22 year old with the insight of a 30+ year old. It's not entirely fair to the kid you were at the time, ya know?
And being a Jersey girl, I also believe that you can never have too much Springsteen!
Not like it used to be, Jhena...but in a way, always.
"the good was so damn good that it made me want to overlook the bad." seriously the best heartbreaking line ever. just makes me wanna give you a hug and kiss you on your forehead and say everything's gonna be allright...
10+ years too late tho... ;)
I feel like I was reading my own first love story. My first love, Katie, and I now live miles apart and have completely different lives, but every time we see each other, talk, or email each other. She seems so happy to see me, and I am unbelievably happy to see her. The conversation just flows, I think I can still feel that connection between us and I think she does too. Just her simple unsolicited reaction to seeing me, and the way she puts exclamation points when she closes her emails with "I am always glad to hear from you!". These things make me believe that she still thinks of me equally as I think of her.
However, it is hard to remember that we had dated on and off for five years over five years ago. It has now been over a decade since our first kiss. I even went through another long term relationship after we split up, and got engaged, however I never forgot about my first love, Katie. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately my engagement ended for reasons of differing religions, but in truth it just wasn't meant to be, I never loved my finance the way I loved my Katie.
The truth is, she broke my heart twice. She dragged me through a lot of pain. But now I can not even remember the pain. I only remember loving her.
I always thought it was weird that I would be willing to go through that all again just to spend one more day with her, until I read your story and you say that "the good was so damn good that it made up for all the bad". Truer words have never been spoken.
It really is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I would not have it any other way.
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