Sunday, December 4, 2005

...and into the fire

I don't even know how to begin to write this section...

This whole project started off as a way for me to try to let out all the emotions I've been clinging onto from my past, and to see if I could learn anything from them, and, best case scenario, to finally put it all behind me, once & for all, by leaving it all here on the page. I've let myself dwell on the past for far too long, and I still haven't found the magic button to press to finally let it go.

There's an argument to be made that this whole thing is counter-productive by design; that the very nature of writing it all down forces me to dwell on the past even more. Maybe that's true, but at least I have a reason this time, I guess. And I have learned things through doing this, already. I haven't seen the magic pattern that makes everything all of a sudden make sense, but I've definitely realized things that I hadn't before. Maybe I should start making a list of them as I go...I dunno.

The main thing I've learned so far, though, is something I already knew: that I just need to let it all go. I need to leave it here on the page once & for all, like I said before. And that's why I have no idea how to write these next few entries. Because, one of the things I've realized is that what happened with Kara & I during that summer is, in many ways, the reason I'm here writing all this right now...

I walked into the bar, sat down at a stool & ordered a double vodka on the rocks. I downed it in two swallows & ordered another, wondering if something shiny was going to distract her on the way to the bar, leaving me there simmering until three in the morning; the whole scenario played out in my head, and I already kicked myself for going there in the first place.

Halfway through the second drink, she walked through the door. She had on cut-off blue jeans, sandals, and a white top that made her dark skin almost glow in the low light, and I know it was almost midnight, but I swear the sun was shining right behind her. She actually smiled when she saw me, and she walked over to me in slow-motion, throwing her long, black hair over her shoulder. Everything just stopped.

She walked over & sat on the stool beside me; the bartender asked her what she was having, but she told him she wasn't drinking. He stepped away behind the bar & she looked up at me and said "You cut your hair".

I looked down at her & said "You didn't."

She squinted her eyes, cocked her head to the side a bit, and said "I like it. It looks nice."

Well, I'll be damned...a compliment. Wasn't expecting that. I thanked her, but she didn't say anything else. We looked at each other for another minute, then she took my glass out of my hand & downed about half of it. She sat the glass down & giggled mischievously. I remember I marveled at how she could be infuriating & charming all in one breath. I looked her straight in the eye & said "Why did you pick up the phone, Kara?"

She looked out of the corner of her eye, like she always did when she was thinking, and, after a moment, shrugged & said "I don't know."

"You don't know?", I asked.

She grabbed a piece of her hair, twirled it around her finger, played with it for a minute & said "I missed you."

"You missed me?", I said.

"Did you miss me?", she said, looking up at me with those eyes, not caring that she was answering a question with a question, and knowing damn well what the answer was.

"What do you think?", I asked her.

"I don't know what I think." Right, 'cus my feelings for you have always been such a mystery. After a moment, she went on: "I know I miss talking to you, X; I miss you being around."

"What about Ted?", I asked.

Eyes to the side; hair twirling on the finger. "I don't want to talk about Ted."

"Oh? Well, too bad", I said, "because I'm not just gonna sit here completely in the dark until it suits you to tell me where I stand; now what about Ted?".

"There's nothing about Ted; everything with Ted is fine. This isn't about him." She was looking me in the eye.

"So, you're still with him?"

"Yes. I'm still with him."

"So, why are we here?", I asked.

"Because I missed you."

"Yeah, you said that. All of a sudden you missed me?"

"No, not just all of a should know I missed you. Did you think I just forgot about you?"

"I don't know, Kara...what was I supposed to think? I sure didn't think you'd run off with the guy I used to play G.I. Joe with as a kid if you were gonna miss me so much!". I was in love, but I was still pissed...

"So do you just want to yell at me?", she asked.

"No...I don't want to yell at you." I said, lowering my voice & my head.

"Well, can we get out of here, then?" she said, blowing out the strand of hair she'd been chewing on.

Sure....anywhere you wanna go.

She wanted to go out to the park, where we used to go, and she wanted to drive. So, I strapped myself in, mentally & physically, and prepared for the ride. She only narrowly avoided about a half-dozen accidents along the way, which was good for her, and I noticed her driving had gotten slightly better. We got to the park & went in the back way, as the main entrance had already been closed for the night. She drove up to one of the spots that we had parked at a dozen times before, stopped the car, turned out the lights & opened the sunroof.

I remember she dug around in the backseat for a minute, almost falling out of her seat, and came back up with an unopened, lukewarm wine cooler, that had been back there for god knows how long. She popped it open & leaned back against the door of the car, propping her legs up on the dash. We sat there and talked for about an hour; mostly about what I had been doing since we had seen each other.

I told her all about Maria, and about what had happened with Roxanne, both of which she was very curious about. She had heard things through the grapevine & had been keeping tabs of a sort on my love life, she said, but she wanted to know all the details. She didn't talk much about what was going on in her life, and I didn't press her on it. Truthfully, I was just elated to be there talking to her at all. It was killing me having her so close to me again; every word she said was like a bell drawing me nearer, and I could feel the air between us, it was so tense.

All of a sudden, she leapt up out of the car to get some air. I got out with her & we both went around & sat on the hood of her car. There was a picnic area a few yards in front of where we were parked that was covered with graffiti & initials that we & all our friends had carved in it years before, and we both laughed at the memory of Joe, Eric & I trying to climb onto the roof of it a few years earlier, and Eric falling down & ripping his shirt off on a piece of wood on the way down.

We talked some more about Eric, and how his death had affected everyone, and how we could look back now & see how that was when all of our old friends started to drift apart. We talked about things we had done when we were younger, and about all the drama & growing pains we had all shared. We talked about the first time we met, and how funny it was that we ever even became friends in the first place, we laughed at the thought of how much we used to get on each other's nerves...

...and as our laughter died down, I looked over at her, silhouetted there against the night sky with her hair blowing into her face, pulled her to me, and we kissed. I remember every second of it today, like I've never remembered any other. I felt it in the pit of my stomach; like this wave of warmth that spread out through my whole body as soon as my lips touched hers. I can't even find the words. The smell & the feel of her flooded over me, and everything else in the world was washed away. Everything that had happened in the last year and a half, every thought I'd ever had that wasn't about her just faded into nothing. She crept her arms around my back & gripped me tighter than she'd ever done before, as I ran my hand up into her hair & held her as close as I could. I have no idea how long it lasted.

When we finally broke apart, she looked up at me for a moment, then she reached up, kissed me on the cheek, and whispered in my ear "Let's go back to your house..."

And so we did...


Blogger chicaleecious recalled...

..and once again, you leave us hanging and wanting for more....

Sunday, December 04, 2005 5:09:00 AM  
Blogger Ana recalled...


Sunday, December 04, 2005 5:17:00 AM  
Blogger ambrus recalled...

just a thought... maybe you are aprehensive about getting through this section because then you have no excuse not to let go of it?

Sunday, December 04, 2005 9:20:00 AM  
Blogger Chris recalled...

Man, it's like you know you shouldn't but you can't help it, but I'm with you 'cause I think I'm falling for Kara too, but I know I shouldn't! She just sounds so damn hot!

Sunday, December 04, 2005 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

well crap! stupid kara! oh X, you leave us hanging and i just want to cry!

Sunday, December 04, 2005 11:04:00 AM  
Blogger Zen Wizard recalled...

I feel sorry for Ted--he is history and he doesn't even know it yet.

He thinks everything is going peachy, and he is probably blowing off chicks thinking he is in a mutually satisfying, monogamous relationship.

Sunday, December 04, 2005 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger John recalled...

I have to say, as painful as Kara seems to have been for you, the times you describe with her seem really beautiful.

Sunday, December 04, 2005 1:50:00 PM  
Blogger PrincessMax recalled...

She doesn't want to talk about Ted?!?

Sunday, December 04, 2005 3:34:00 PM  
Blogger The Mrs. recalled...

OUCH. this is going to be painful....
now YOU are the guy who is helping Kara cheat on her boyfriend...

damn, amazing how things come full circle isn't it?

Sunday, December 04, 2005 3:39:00 PM  
Blogger J recalled...

That's an evil position to be in. Evil.

Sunday, December 04, 2005 4:19:00 PM  
Blogger mikey recalled...

the one that i still obsess over is the one that i never really had. and if she called me tomorrow and told me to meet her i would. and if she asked to go back to my place i would. i don't blame you a bit.

Sunday, December 04, 2005 9:50:00 PM  
Blogger ThePassAlong recalled...

I can't beleive that Kara is back! She seems to pop in and out and I am figuring that this time it is going to head straight for disaster. Ugh that chick drives me crazy and your cliffhangers do not help in the least little bit.

Monday, December 05, 2005 1:38:00 AM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Full circle is a bitch....

And don't feel so sorry for anybody just yet...

Monday, December 05, 2005 1:44:00 AM  
Blogger Ophelia recalled...

Run...don't walk...quick! Don't do it! It's not gonna be worth it!

Monday, December 05, 2005 7:12:00 AM  
Blogger Joe recalled...

I hate it when the November sweeps are over and everything is a rerun.

Monday, December 05, 2005 9:59:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

ohhwee man, i cant wait to see how it works out(or really how it dont work out) this time around.

exbf, I too agree with mikey, if I were in your shoes, I would too. When you got feelings like that for a person you cant help but get sucked back in each and every freakin time, even tho you know you shouldnt. Until you reach that point. everyone has a point ;)

Monday, December 05, 2005 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger Chelle recalled...

EXBF, don't hold your breath for a "magic pattern that makes everything all of a sudden make sense." Chances are, you'll die of thirst in the desert looking for your mirage. Maybe that's what you are doing now, only you can answer that. Life is so complex because each person that we meet is different from us - that's what makes it fun. Embrace the times that are worth cherishing, but don't forget to look around and see the things that are (or could be) happening right in front of you. Those are the memories to cherish tomorrow.

Keep on writing, if for no one other than your self - it can be cathartic. In the mean time, if you choose to keep writimg for the rest of us to read, there will be plenty of us rootng for you!!

Monday, December 05, 2005 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Atomicslacker recalled...

There you go again, thinking with your heart instead of your dick!

On a serious note, great blog. Your story really is fascinating.

Monday, December 05, 2005 1:58:00 PM  
Blogger Jessica recalled...

If I were you I would never, ever let a new girlfriend read this blog! I've really enjoyed reading along. I just hope none of my ex's are writing a blog like this.

Monday, December 05, 2005 4:30:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn! recalled...

F Kara. I totally dig bad boys. Do you wanna be my next exbf?

Hmmmm, wonder what color my name would be on this blog?

j/ your blog x. Can't wait till the next exciting post...

Monday, December 05, 2005 11:33:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

I think Ambrus might be on to something...

Jessica: I sure don't plan to...but I am curious as to why exactly you say that?

And I know I'm running low on colors, but I guess pink is up for grabs...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005 2:20:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn! recalled...

Pink is my favorite color ;)

Tuesday, December 06, 2005 3:34:00 AM  
Blogger Mint Tulip recalled...

Personally I think it'd have been nice to have gotten to read BW's 'past' like this...but then I'm nosy and like to know what I'm getting into before it gets to serious...I also know a lot of people who wouldn't be able to handle it, but then wouldn't that just mean they weren't the right one? Such a mystery! ;o)

Tuesday, December 06, 2005 7:46:00 AM  
Blogger Micah recalled...

I know I'm late in posting, I found your blog late though. kara is a drug, I totally understand. You know she's bad for you, but you just need her. The shitty thing is, she tears you apart when she's with you, and not with you.

There's no way out of it, other than to totally cut her out of your life....

Wednesday, February 01, 2006 10:08:00 PM  
Blogger milowent recalled...

i know i'm 7 months behind in reading your blog (which i just found a few days back and am reading in order), but i have to say this is amazing stuff. riveting.

Thursday, June 22, 2006 10:50:00 AM  

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