Late of Conscience...

You know, I've noticed another pattern that I've developed since I started this journal: every time the chronology gets up to a point where I have to talk about Veronica, I think I subconciously procrastinate & look for something else to write instead...which probably says a lot about how much I don't even like to think about it anymore. But, I told myself I would push through all of this, so I might as well...

It's just that, things with Veronica are fresher in my mind because we only broke up for good about two or three years ago; and the last year of...or more actually, the entirety of that relationship, was, without a doubt, the worst, most miserable time of my life. I've explained some of Veronica's...issues before, but she & I ended up dating on & off (mostly off) for almost a decade, and if I had a million years & a million fingers, I'd never be able to list all of the crazyiness I saw over the course of those years. The total time we spent togather, if you were to add it up, was probably about three & a half years, spread out over 10, with breaks of 2 & 3 years in between; but just like clockwork, every time something would come along to bruise my ego, hurt my feelings, or damage my self-esteem, no matter how much I knew I shouldn't, I would always end up picking up that phone & calling Veronica.

Actually, though, this time, I didn't call her at all. She showed up at the store where I worked one night about a month or so after Maria & I had broken up. We hadn't spoken since the last time we had a little tryst, and that had ended badly, but that night, it was apparently bygones to her, because she showed up unnannounced, all excited to show me the new car she had just gotten. Actually, it was a used Escort, and it was kinda crappy, but she was proud of it & I was happy for her. I knew that wasn't the only reason she had shown up, though...especially so close to closing time. I'm sure she also knew that I had just been dumped & was probably willing to take her chances, so she did just that & asked if she could follow me back to my place & have a glass of wine. I guess you all know what I said...

When we got there, though, I tried to be good..I really, really did. I knew that she was trouble (though I still couldn't have fathomed how much), but gosh, it was awful hard to have somebody as pretty as her curled up there on the sofa next to me, leaning in as close as she could. Still, I held out for a while, so after a bit, she turned to me & said "I need a kiss".

Ok...not the smoothest or most seductive line I've ever heard, but at least it was straightforward. I'm pretty sure I even tried to protest at first, but it was a lost cause; we were both young, lonely, and judging by what happened next, extremely horny.

We ended up on my bed, and I remember it was really fast & furious; uncharacteristic for both of us. In the middle of it all, though...or maybe nearer the end, she did the first thing of the night that freaked me out...I was actually surprised it had taken so long...but, boy, was it a doozy. In the midst of moaning my name in passion, she suddenly said, clear as day & with the emphasis only passion can give, "I love you!".

Whoa. Do ya', now? Remember, we had been on a few dates, and I had told her that I wasn't interested in that kind of relationship with her, or anyone at that point, and that had been that; we'd barely talked since. But now she loves me? Surely, it must just be something she's used to saying in the heat of passion, I thought...she might have said it to her ex-husband all the time; like "Oh, god!", or something. I hoped, that was the case, anyhow; either way, I was able to rationolize it & put it out of my mind fast enough to not break my stride. All I said was "Don't say that...we shouldn't say that.", and then it was back to business. She didn't mention it afterwards that I remember, but I didn't forget it. I remember standing in the bathroom afterwards & thinking that, maybe I had just made a huge mistake...again.

I came out of the bathroom and, and we got up &put our clothes back on, and I do remember how stunningly beautiful her body looked then, with the shafts of light coming in through the venetian blinds painting her like some kind of animal. I debated as to wheteher I should say something about what she had said or not, and I know I brought it up somehow, but I can't remember what we said; only that she kind of just brushed it off.

Only thing I remember clearly after that was that she asked me again whether we might try actually dating each other, and I told her that I still didn't feel like we would be compatible in that way (I left out the part where I was beginning to see that she was crazy & that she freaked me out about 40% of the time), and that I had just broken up with Maria, besides. She said, rightly so, that that was the same line I gave her after I had broken up with Kara, true as that may have been. I said to her, for the first time of many, that if it was a relationship she was looking for, then she should just look elsewhere, and stop putting us both in situations that will only end up with one person feeling short-changed. Yeah, I know, it takes two to tango, and I could have said all this before the sex, but I'm not perfect, and that's why we're here in the first place...

So, we didn't exactly fight, but once again, she left with hard feelings...and honestly, I was just glad to see her leave. After three times now, even someone as blind as me could see that Veronica was nothing but trouble, and I knew that I couldn't let myself get caught up with her in a moment of weakness again; I knew I wouldn't get off so easy next time.

That turned out to be the understatement of the century.