Monday, October 31, 2005

This time, darlin....

I'll pick up where I left off with Maria tomorrow, I promise...

I just re-read my post from yesterday (which is something I rarely do), and although I guess I had to get it all out, it sure is hard for me to look at...I guess that's the point, though. Thanks to everyone who wrote & left me comments; I know when you lay it all out like that, it seems like the answer is so clear-cut, but I wish it was as simple as just calling Roxanne & telling her how I feel. She knows full well how I feel...I've told her as often as I could ever since I was able to finally put it into words myself, but it's still all talk...it's my actions that put me where I am, and no amount of talking or confessing is going to fix it. Maybe if I could actually have the chance to prove it to her with my actions again, but I've had more than one chance already, and I blew them all; her giving me another one doesn't seem too likely.

She's in a relationship now, and we hardly even talk anymore. We see each other a handful times a year, at one of her brother's shows or something, but the person she's been with for the past couple of years is very....wary of me, to say the least, and I'm rarely given any chance to say more than 2 words to her. She won't allow me to call her because she feels like she has to go behind someone's back to talk to me, and so, out of respect for that, she won't talk to me on the phone.

But I still write her every week, I go and see every show that she's in as many times as I can, I send her cards on her birthday & Christmas, I try to find any excuse I can to see her. And she knows that I know that letting her go was the biggest mistake I ever made...but that's about all I can do. She writes me back with short, polite, impersonal replies most of the time, and on the few occasions I've poured my heart out to her, her responses have been....well, I don't know what they've been. I know that she still cares about me, and still has feelings for me buried somewhere down in there...she's told me that much, but she always stops way short of saying anything that would make me think she might act on them again. I know that she still wants me to be in her life, in some way or another, I've asked her outright, and I've given her plenty of chances to push me out & slam the door if she really wanted me gone, but for all the contact we have, that's what she might as well have done...

About a year ago, her relationship (which, I should point out now, with full objectivity, is nothing more than an extended rebound relationship with a person that she would not even give the time of day to under normal circumstances, but who just happened to be right there to catch her when I dropped her) had hit a rocky patch, and for just a short while, we were actually almost talking again. I wrote her letters with more soul-searching in them than anything I've written here, and I told her everything that I felt, and explained to her the best way I could (which, admittedly, still wasn't very good) what had happened that had caused me to do what I did. We shared a few exchanges that really went a long way in clearing the air between us after all these years, and, although there were no magic words that made her forgive me & wipe the slate clean, I really thought we were on the way to at least being friends again, and communicating....but after a while, they worked their problems out & it was back to the rear of the line for me.

And I can't say that I blame her one bit, even now. If I were her, I can't imagine what it would take for me to trust somebody else who was in my position after all that had happened. I'm not sure if anything will ever allow her to trust me like that again...and I still wouldn't blame her for it. Hell, I still don't even really have a handle on why I did what I did in the first place...and even if I do know why, I have no clue if I'd be able to stop myself from just freaking out & leaving her hanging again. I sure like to think I've learned my lesson, but this is me we're talking about here...

After all, she already forgave me once. I haven't talked about all of it yet, but after I had freaked out & left her high & dry when she moved to town....after Angela & all the rest, and after I thought I had gotten my head all straightened out & knew what I wanted, I did call her and apologize, and tell her I loved her, and I was sorry, and I made a huge mistake in leaving her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and I would never do it again.....but I did.

She opened her heart up to me again & forgave me and let herself believe that we would live happily ever after...and I freaked out & did the exact same thing all over again...like clockwork. Only this time, I shut down even more; I shut myself off from my friends, my job....from everything. There were other factors; my head turned out to not be on so straight, my health was still not great & there were plenty of stressful things in my life, but none of that was any excuse for me to just fold the way I did, and just leave her hanging out to dry. Twice. And the way I look at it, plenty of people never get ONE chance in their lives to find someone that loves them the way she loved me....much less two chances. The odds of me getting a third time at bat here (or anywhere worthwhile, really) just don't seem too good. But, it's nobody's fault but mine...I know that. I made my bed, and I have to lie in it....

...but it doesn't mean I have to be happy with it.

12 Comments:

Blogger Mint Tulip recalled...

I don't blame Roxanne for not trusting you, but if she hasn't shut you out completely then chances are she could trust you again. As for the 'rebound' guy, they do sometimes become the 'forever' guy, so if you decide that she's what you need you might ought to really work at it. If someone's keeping at you all the time, it's eventually impossible to ignore them or blow them off, for me anyway.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 6:49:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

these posts have to be so frustrating, they are for me and i hardly know you! i wish roxanne could forgive you ... but i've got to say that i do know how she feels. i really really do. and it's the hardest thing in the world to forgive someone that many times and really ever trust them again.

but i still can't bring myself to hate you, or even be mad at you, for being the guy who did this to her/me. ok maybe i'm a little pissed ... it will pass.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 10:45:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

I think if she has not told you yet to get the hell out of her life then she wants you still in it. She may even daydream about you being her night in shinning armor. It made me think of the movie "Pretty Woman" where Richard Gere goes up to her window and tells her, "what happens after the prince goes up and rescues her?"
she said, "she rescues him right back"

and there u have it.....

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 11:28:00 AM  
Blogger Frankie recalled...

Aye, Ex Bf. Sometimes I don't know whether I want to give you a big hug, or slap you upside your head.

I think most days, I want to do both...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 1:47:00 PM  
Blogger Eirikur recalled...

Well, Roxanne is certainly right not to cheerfully let you do the same thing to her a third time, as if she were stupid or something. This is why I think you have to offer a binding contract, from the very beginning. There's your evidence that the same thing won't happen, that you care about her enough to enforce change upon yourself. Having made a commitment would get you support in keeping it, too. Being able to predict the problem also means getting a head start on dealing with it internally, and maybe through therapy.

Personally, I had the identical breakup (she threw things both times) with the same woman after a 10 year gap. It's really hard to watch the same scenario play out (like a movie you can't change) if you don't think you have any new resources. I would cheerfully try this one again, if I hadn't seen her unwillingness to deal with her own pathology.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 2:11:00 PM  
Blogger Pro-Divorce recalled...

X, I finally figured it out. It's the end of the chase that scares you. You set your sights on something, and when you finally get it, you realize there is nothing left to chase anymore.

It's one of those classic 'be careful what you wish for because you might just get it' kind of things.

You're like Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson a few years back. Both of them retired...then came back...then retired again. I think the each came back once again, and finally retired for good. Same thing with you, you're involved with the thrill of the chase...then when that ends, you get scared because you don't know what to do next...so you screw up the relationship so you can do it all over again with someone else...realizing all along that you had what you wanted, but you still weren't happy.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 4:44:00 PM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

i'm sure there's some sort of cliche saying out there i can give you.... i'm sure there's a million of them actually.......

"true love conquers all, love will find a way, forgive and forget, if it's meant to be, it will be"...... and on and on and on......

we both know how you both feel. she won't stay with "the man" forever. you can't help what the heart feels.

and the thing is, you KNOW all of this. already. before you even started this thing. before you typed a single word. so like i said, cheer up.

i found my saying for you:

"this too shall pass." :-)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 8:05:00 PM  
Blogger mad recalled...

I totally agree with 'pro-divorce' that you like the thrill of the chase. Before my husband and i got married our relationship was up and down. When he was really loving me I was hating him, when he wasnt giving me enough attention, i really wanted him. It was a case of not wanting what you have and wanting what you don't have. And of course you are commitment phobic....:)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005 8:38:00 PM  
Blogger Ana recalled...

ok i take it back ur not a basterd

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 2:23:00 AM  
Blogger Jhena recalled...

Trust is not something you can buy for 3 in a dollar. YOu're so fortunate that she gave it to you twice. But asking her for a third chance is like hitting her on her face and crushing her heart with a stone. For me, what you have done to her was just a BIG sign of disrespect for her feelings, as well disrespect for her as a person. It's really sad to realize that losing someone would weigh like a mountain when it's too late.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 2:30:00 AM  
Blogger SHROUDMASTER recalled...

You are right to make amends but you've got to face this simple, painful fact:

Sometimes things get broken and they can never be put back together.

The introspection is good to a certain point but you have to move on and let go.
Two choices my friend:
1) live now
2) die wallowing in the past

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 9:10:00 AM  
Blogger John recalled...

She's not married or engaged? Just "in a relationship"?

Dude.

Fly/drive down with a big rock, get on your knee and get it over with.

The other guy doesn't own her. She's got a free will.

You think there's been too much hurt given and received? Bah. Wait'll you really are married. It's work most of the way through, might as well start things off near-rock bottom -- they can only improve from there.

Seriously. The other guy is not your concern. Find her. Marry her, or at least fall on your face trying. You've fallen so many other times, what's one more?

Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:43:00 PM  

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