Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The future ain't what it used to be...

So I was talking a few days ago about the Ego Monster, and how, when he's hurt or spurned, he proceeds to commandeer my life & screw things up royally. In fact, I wrote a whole big preamble about him that probably should have been written now instead, but we'll just call that foreshadowing. Anyway, the whole point to that story was that, when I'm at a low point, I'll do stupid things to make myself feel better, and after the weekend of Hurricane Roxanne, I wasn't at my lowest point, perhaps...but I was definitely low enough to do something stupid.

There have already been a couple of moments in my life chronicled in this journal that I've pinpointed as being some of the biggest mistakes I ever made...and there will be many more...but honestly, sitting here now thinking about it, sober as a judge, I don't think I'll ever be able to find anything I ever did that I wish I could go back & change as much as this.

And so it was one night the following week that I found myself sitting outside on the steps beside my house with Alan & Pete, drinking a bottle of Bacardi white & musing over the past weekend, when Veronica pulled into my driveway.

Her reputation for craziness had already begun to proceed her, even back then, as both of the guys audibly groaned as they saw who it was. I was surprised to see her there, 'cus I know she certainly got the message last time we spoke, but there she was, I remembered thinking that she was either really persistent, or she really was crazy....and then deciding that I was too drunk & upset to care. I don't remember a goddamn thing that happened next or anything that she or anybody said, 'cus right then, the Ego Monster took over; next thing I remember is a half hour later, and her naked, writhing on top of me, with me looking up at her with her hair done up in braids & thinking that she looked vaguely like Princess Leia..and we all know what that does to men in our age group...

Afterwards, I remember making some small talk, but mostly I remember realizing that we had almost burned the house down...literally; I smelled smoke & saw that there was a cigarette smoldering on the floor that left a two-inch black crater in that floor that is still there today. Only thing else I really remember is, after she left, realizing that I probably shouldn't have done what I just did, but again, being too drunk to care.

I can't remember if it was the next day or not, but it had to be either that or the day after, because the next memory I have is of being woken up at about 10 in the morning by Veronica entering my bedroom door. Apparently, although I had & still have no memory of it at all, at some point in the past, she & had talked about mixing sex & fruit, like the whole 9 1/2 Weeks thing, and she had shown up first thing in the morning with a bowl of strawberries & a tub of cool whip. While I was still wiping the sleep out of my eyes, she showed me the goodies she'd brought with her, and then dramatically unzipped her dress & dropped it to the floor, revealing a lacy, purple nightie underneath.

Contrary to what you might think, a lot of thoughts actually went through my head at that moment, first and foremost being that this just seemed way out of character for this girl; I know she liked me & she had just been through a rough time, but it just seemed kind of forced, like she was trying too hard to bag me, and I thought even then that what she was doing had as much to do with desperately trying to get her self-esteem back as with who I actually was. Still, I had to admire it; it was a gutsy move...and she almost pulled it off.

Don't get me wrong: she was a beautiful girl, and she looked spectacular standing there in that nightie, but I just didn't....swoon. Had Kara or Roxanne walked in & pulled something like that, I would have probably fainted from sensory overload if I didn't slip on my own drool & knock myself out first, but here, something was wrong with this picture, and I still don't know now if it was actually that, or just my brain trying to tell me that something was wrong with the bigger picture, but either way, I didn't have the reaction she wanted. Still, I wasn't going to let her know that....

Instead, I got up, pulled her to me, told her that the strawberries & cream were a nice thought, but it was hot, the air conditioning was on the fritz, and we should just get down to business, and she seemed to be just fine with that idea.

In fact, afterwards, she seemed positively ecstatic; she was giggly as a schoolgirl the rest of the day, and it was kind of infectious; I don't remember what we said or did, but I do remember I enjoyed hanging out with her the rest of that day. I remember I had to run a few errands, so i sort of let her tag along, and I shamefully remember my 21 year-old mind thinking that, anyway you looked at it, it's already been a hell of a couple o' weeks.

That evening, I remember sitting on top of my car over at Pete's house, telling the guys all about how I'd been woken up that morning, and seeing Alan's face grow wide as he realized I had just seen something he had thought about since 3rd grade - it's not like everybody was in love with Veronica in school or anything, but she was awfully pretty and had developed awfully early. I remember even then all of us talking about how I shouldn't get too involved with her...after all, she did have a baby. I didn't worry about getting too involved, though...I wasn't really all that into the girl, anyway. She was sweet, but she was also potentially crazy. She was beautiful, but she wasn't my type at all. She was also still technically married for another few weeks, and so I thought. especially after the casualness of the last few days, that it was nothing more than her blowing off some steam & getting back in the game and me coming along for the ride & having some would never add up to any more than that.

Like I said, if I could go back, and change one, single, solitary thing...well, maybe it would be that first date we'd had a few weeks before, I guess...but either way, I had opened Pandora's box....and that girl would end up affecting my life...or I would let her end up affecting my life...more than any other ever would....


Blogger Jhena recalled...

oh my, I think I can see what's coming. I guess I just have to wait for the next installment.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 4:32:00 AM  
Blogger Oh So Wonderful recalled...

If I remember correctly, the story of Pandora's box led to the exposure of much negativity, but the one last element that was released was hope.

As always, looking forward to what happens!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 7:16:00 AM  
Blogger mikey recalled...

it's funny how in hindsight we can pinpoint those "this is a really bad idea" thoughts we remember having. sometimes i wonder if i REALLY knew what a bad idea it was at the time, or if i just tell myself i did afterwards.

because that, i think, is the difference between a simple lack of willpower and a major penchant for self-destruction.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 11:05:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

holy wow. you sure get into sticky situations (he he)

can't wait to hear what happened with this one

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 1:54:00 PM  
Blogger Frankie recalled...

Did you slip one past the goalie?!

Wait...didja use a goalie????

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:18:00 PM  
Blogger chick recalled...

You know X, u should really learn to keep writing......specially since i know veronica's real name :-p

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:39:00 PM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

mmmm.... strawberries....

i want some strawberries now.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005 5:46:00 PM  
Blogger Alex recalled...

How much Action are you getting in such a small period of TIME. Cripes, times like that often end in dissaster but at least you can look back and go. Whoa i was crazy and of course in Hindsight it was FUN.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 8:21:00 PM  
Blogger Alison recalled...

Wow. She affected you more than Kara?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 10:30:00 PM  
Blogger mad recalled...

O oh......she didnt get pregnant did she? Or worse she turned obsessive on you and started to stalk you......oh do tell soon :)

Thursday, October 20, 2005 12:42:00 AM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Alison: My life....oh yeah.

No, she never got pregnant, tho...thank god

Thursday, October 20, 2005 1:22:00 AM  
Blogger The Mrs. recalled...

how do you remember all of this in such good detail???
i check out your blog every day--just curious about the memory thing though. i guess i remember a lot of past things too, but some of your details are incredible.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 3:11:00 AM  

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