A matter of trust...
I guess it all started out innocently enough...
After the initial fight over me lying to her about Heidi, the next couple of months were the most normal of the entirety of mine & Kara's relationship. It wasn't normal, by any definition of the word, but at this point, we had known each other for almost three years, and we had been through a lot together. We were, for better or worse, definitely the most significant person in each other's lives, and I had already completely forgotten what life was like before I met her.
We had started to do the things that I had always assumed normal young people in love do; we used to go hiking in the park & we'd take my little brother along sometimes; I would come over to her parent's house for dinner, and help her little sister with her homework & talk about old westerns with her dad...I even learned to make pancakes so I could wake up early the nights we spent together & make them for her 'cus she loved 'em....and most of the time, she even kissed me & said 'thank you'. On my birthday, she actually went out & bought me a really cool shirt that I know she went to a lot of effort to find. Sometimes she'd remember her position that I wasn't her boyfriend & that she didn't want to be tied down & maybe she does love me but she can't promise me anything, but for the most part, that wall had pretty much come down. We were both closer to each other than we'd ever been with anyone in our lives, and I really, honestly thought that, however bumpy the road might be, nothing would ever be able to truly come between us.
After all, we had already been separated by thousands of miles, we had been through the death of one of our own together, we had seen each other at our lowest & highest points, we had already been through sleeping with each other's bets friends...and no matter how mad we've gotten or how heartbroken we were, we always came back to each other.
There were some consequences in my life from all the things she & I had been through, however. It had taken it's toll on more than one of my close friendships...Joe in particular. Back when all that was going on, I had started to distance myself from Joe's crowd & had gotten back in touch with my old grade school friends Ted, Chris & the rest. We had remained in touch all this time & it was really starting to be like nothing had ever come between us in the first place. In the beginning, things were a little weird, mainly because Ted & the guys were still pretty much regular ol' beer-drinkin' folks, whereas I was now a total freak, but since I had come back from Colorado, everything had been just like old times between us. So, when Ted moved into a new apartment not too far from my mom's place, he invited me & the gang over and I brought Kara along to meet them for the first time.
I remember she was a little hesitant about going; I had told her she would probably be the only girl, and that Ted & the guys were a little squarer than the people we usually hang with, but were still great guys. In fact, I remember she almost didn't show up at my house in time for us to go, but eventually she did, although I could tell she'd rather do something else. I remember when she got to my place, she had to change for some reason before we left, and since nobody was home, she just threw off her top in the middle of the living room (she didn't do bra's), and I pressed her up against the wall and kissed her for a few minutes before she got ready to go. I also remember her asking my opinion on which top to wear, and me picking the one that she apparently didn't want me to pick. She wore it anyway, but I remember her telling me that I was 'just wanting to show her off to my friends', which was odd for her to say, because she rarely admitted she was worth showing off (she was as modest as she was unbelievably beautiful), and ironic, for reasons that will soon become evident.
So, we went over to Ted's place, and after we had been there about five minutes, she pulled me aside & asked if she could borrow the car to go to the store. I knew she just didn't want to hang out with me & my friends, but I didn't want to get into it right there, so I gave her the keys & she took off, saying she'd be right back. After she left, Ted gave me the old thumbs-up 'she's hot' sign..and truth be told, I guess I was kinda showing her off a little; I mean don't get me wrong...Kara was nobody's trophy girlfriend, but Ted & the guys had ribbed me about the freaky girls they assumed were the norm for me nowadays, and I guess maybe somehow subconsciously, I wanted to show them different.
Kara came back about over an hour later; apparently she had gone all the way across town to Tower Records 'cus she wanted to buy that lousy solo record by Duff from Gun's n' Roses. As soon as she got there, she asked me if I was ready to go yet, but I told her to hang on & let's all smoke a joint before we leave...so we did.
I take a moment here to contemplate just how vastly different so many lives would have been, had I just left right then like she wanted me to...
Anyway, as we sat there & smoked, Ted picked up his guitar, and started to make up some ridiculous song about bigfoot that had us all rolling on the floor; Ted has always been a big, jolly kind of fellow & he's a really funny guy, so he had us entertained for the rest of the night, and by the time we left, Kara was still laughing & was actually having a good time & was glad she had come along. I couldn't have been more delighted; finally I have a cool chick that can get along with my real friends & I don't have to worry about any funny business going on, 'cus Chris is engaged & Jase has never so much as touched a woman & Ted is 100 pounds overweight & has only been with one girl in his whole life...what could possibly happen?
id·i·ot
NOUN:
1. A foolish or stupid person.
2. A person of profound mental retardation having a mental age below three years and generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.
3. The Ex-Boyfriend
A couple of days later, Kara had been looking to buy a new car (after wrecking her 4th one in only 3 years of driving) and she wanted to spend Saturday doing some car shopping. Since we spent almost every waking hour together by that time, I agreed to drive her around...and, of course, since we all had such a good time a few nights previous, I thought it might be cool to invite Ted to come along. So, we all piled into my little Excel and spent the afternoon looking at whatever struck her fancy. I know we all laughed a lot & had a good time that day, but I don't really remember very much of what we did...I really only remember it at all because it was the last time I would talk to Kara for days....
After the initial fight over me lying to her about Heidi, the next couple of months were the most normal of the entirety of mine & Kara's relationship. It wasn't normal, by any definition of the word, but at this point, we had known each other for almost three years, and we had been through a lot together. We were, for better or worse, definitely the most significant person in each other's lives, and I had already completely forgotten what life was like before I met her.
We had started to do the things that I had always assumed normal young people in love do; we used to go hiking in the park & we'd take my little brother along sometimes; I would come over to her parent's house for dinner, and help her little sister with her homework & talk about old westerns with her dad...I even learned to make pancakes so I could wake up early the nights we spent together & make them for her 'cus she loved 'em....and most of the time, she even kissed me & said 'thank you'. On my birthday, she actually went out & bought me a really cool shirt that I know she went to a lot of effort to find. Sometimes she'd remember her position that I wasn't her boyfriend & that she didn't want to be tied down & maybe she does love me but she can't promise me anything, but for the most part, that wall had pretty much come down. We were both closer to each other than we'd ever been with anyone in our lives, and I really, honestly thought that, however bumpy the road might be, nothing would ever be able to truly come between us.
After all, we had already been separated by thousands of miles, we had been through the death of one of our own together, we had seen each other at our lowest & highest points, we had already been through sleeping with each other's bets friends...and no matter how mad we've gotten or how heartbroken we were, we always came back to each other.
There were some consequences in my life from all the things she & I had been through, however. It had taken it's toll on more than one of my close friendships...Joe in particular. Back when all that was going on, I had started to distance myself from Joe's crowd & had gotten back in touch with my old grade school friends Ted, Chris & the rest. We had remained in touch all this time & it was really starting to be like nothing had ever come between us in the first place. In the beginning, things were a little weird, mainly because Ted & the guys were still pretty much regular ol' beer-drinkin' folks, whereas I was now a total freak, but since I had come back from Colorado, everything had been just like old times between us. So, when Ted moved into a new apartment not too far from my mom's place, he invited me & the gang over and I brought Kara along to meet them for the first time.
I remember she was a little hesitant about going; I had told her she would probably be the only girl, and that Ted & the guys were a little squarer than the people we usually hang with, but were still great guys. In fact, I remember she almost didn't show up at my house in time for us to go, but eventually she did, although I could tell she'd rather do something else. I remember when she got to my place, she had to change for some reason before we left, and since nobody was home, she just threw off her top in the middle of the living room (she didn't do bra's), and I pressed her up against the wall and kissed her for a few minutes before she got ready to go. I also remember her asking my opinion on which top to wear, and me picking the one that she apparently didn't want me to pick. She wore it anyway, but I remember her telling me that I was 'just wanting to show her off to my friends', which was odd for her to say, because she rarely admitted she was worth showing off (she was as modest as she was unbelievably beautiful), and ironic, for reasons that will soon become evident.
So, we went over to Ted's place, and after we had been there about five minutes, she pulled me aside & asked if she could borrow the car to go to the store. I knew she just didn't want to hang out with me & my friends, but I didn't want to get into it right there, so I gave her the keys & she took off, saying she'd be right back. After she left, Ted gave me the old thumbs-up 'she's hot' sign..and truth be told, I guess I was kinda showing her off a little; I mean don't get me wrong...Kara was nobody's trophy girlfriend, but Ted & the guys had ribbed me about the freaky girls they assumed were the norm for me nowadays, and I guess maybe somehow subconsciously, I wanted to show them different.
Kara came back about over an hour later; apparently she had gone all the way across town to Tower Records 'cus she wanted to buy that lousy solo record by Duff from Gun's n' Roses. As soon as she got there, she asked me if I was ready to go yet, but I told her to hang on & let's all smoke a joint before we leave...so we did.
I take a moment here to contemplate just how vastly different so many lives would have been, had I just left right then like she wanted me to...
Anyway, as we sat there & smoked, Ted picked up his guitar, and started to make up some ridiculous song about bigfoot that had us all rolling on the floor; Ted has always been a big, jolly kind of fellow & he's a really funny guy, so he had us entertained for the rest of the night, and by the time we left, Kara was still laughing & was actually having a good time & was glad she had come along. I couldn't have been more delighted; finally I have a cool chick that can get along with my real friends & I don't have to worry about any funny business going on, 'cus Chris is engaged & Jase has never so much as touched a woman & Ted is 100 pounds overweight & has only been with one girl in his whole life...what could possibly happen?
id·i·ot
NOUN:
1. A foolish or stupid person.
2. A person of profound mental retardation having a mental age below three years and generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.
3. The Ex-Boyfriend
A couple of days later, Kara had been looking to buy a new car (after wrecking her 4th one in only 3 years of driving) and she wanted to spend Saturday doing some car shopping. Since we spent almost every waking hour together by that time, I agreed to drive her around...and, of course, since we all had such a good time a few nights previous, I thought it might be cool to invite Ted to come along. So, we all piled into my little Excel and spent the afternoon looking at whatever struck her fancy. I know we all laughed a lot & had a good time that day, but I don't really remember very much of what we did...I really only remember it at all because it was the last time I would talk to Kara for days....
13 Comments:
my heart just sank through the floor reading this one. i mean, because i know what this blog is i know what's going to happen, but i still hope it won't. like how every time you watch star wars you hope kenobi won't bite it.
okay....you've got me hanging, lol....now i must know.....
oh sweetie, i have to know what happens next..... i don't want to wait another few days to find out.
blah. :-)
I love that you can narrow it all down to that one second. If you had only left.
I love that. I have one too. Maybe we all do.
Love the blog by the way, glad Amanda got me addicted too.
OOooo OOooo!!
Dont stop there!! You had me on the edge of my seat! Pleease tell us more!
(as you can tell, i like the blog, it strikes a big chord with me and reminds me of MYSELF)
Actually this all sounds very similar to a similar story, which you can read about here.
http://hechoenmexico.blogspot.com/2005/01/what-would-trogon-temnurus-do.html
And where the term, Lovetorn Trooper was coined, a term which i think best describes you in this situation.
This comment has been removed by the author.
"Uh-Oh" the first thing that popped into my head. Next was the sound byte from 'Dragnet': Dum-da-dum-dum...
Good Lord...what else can this girl do???
Word. All my friends are here! Hi, Katy! ;)
Yes, I think I have way more than one of those "if only I'd left" moments in my life.
New post, new post! Can't wait!
Jeez, don't tell me, wait, please tell me, I hope she didn't...but if she hadn't then I suppose you wouldn't have this blog.
Great blog, good skillz!
you know what? I think everyone has their "kara"-- The person that you are just so blindly in love with that all of the wrongs in the world mean nothing and are immediately erased with just a look or a smile from said person.
the karas of the world suck (especially when the come in the form of ians or wills).
then again, heartbreak is a part of life, and hopefully lessons learned. (sometimes more than once--or twice).
All that being said, Kara is the type of girl that needs to be wanted by more than one person---one is never good enough. Always looking for the next best thing. That and was that girl EVER alone? She sounds like someone who has daddy issues and therefore defines herself by the love of a man.
and let me guess--she's the one that ends up playing on the other team.
---can't wait to hear what ted's excuse is. (WHERE DO YOU FIND YOUR "FRIENDS" GUY!!!???!!!)
Just found your blog by random and am hooked. Your writing is fascinating and the story is profound. Movie bait. As far as therapy is concerned, you should look into it. Finish the blog first! You are probably hiding childhood abuse or abandonment issues that you have chosen to trivialize in your own mind. You won't truly see the light until you're 50 and you'll wish someone had helped you before. Your story is like a fantastic car accident, keep posting.
duff's solo album may not have been in line for and grammys, but it wasn't that bad.
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