Wednesday, September 28, 2005

You don't have to call me darlin', darlin'...

I think I knew all along I was fighting a losing battle. From the minute I decided to move back home, I knew it was a mistake. I had grand dreams in my head of the two of us riding off into some sunset together, and I'm pretty sure even then I knew that's all they were. I knew she cared about me, but I also knew how she was, and I knew that, more than anything else, Kara was the queen of the free spirits; she was young, she was full of life & full of curiosity...she was like a little force of nature...and how do you grab hold of something like that?

We were actually a lot alike, she & I. I always said I saw a lot of myself in her; neither of us cared much what other people thought, or about keeping up with the latest fashions, or about how we could make the most money...but we were both looking for something in life; something more than the people around us. We would always talk about how everyone we knew seemed so content to just settle...nobody seemed to want to reach for anything in life. I always knew what i wanted to do; since I was 10 years old, I knew I wanted to make movies, and I knew I would someday. She didn't quite know what she wanted to be, but she knew she wanted to be something...she didn't want to marry some blue-collar guy like her mom did & settle down & have babies right away, she had dreams, I never had any doubt that she would do something about them...I just hoped I could be along for the ride.

In some ways, back then I was almost following her dreams more than I was mine; somehow, through arrogance or just blind stupidity, I've always just taken it for granted that I would get to do what I wanted someday, so I've never been as driven or as motivated as I should be. I've been lucky, but had I actually tried & worked toward it more, I would undoubtedly be a lot farther along than I am today...but I digress...

Anyway, a couple of days after I moved back, she came over one night while my mom was gone, and after we finally stopped having sex, we just laid there & talked for hours. She told me about everything she had been doing since I had been gone. She & Heidi weren't talking because they had gotten into a fight over something I can't remember, her friend Laurie had gone through surgery & had finally met a guy she was thinking about losing her eternal-virginity to, Jeff & Alison were still dating & going strong...and oh yeah, she had slept with my friend Mark while I was gone...

I remember the way she said it, like she had only at the last minute realized she had said something wrong. I bolted out of bed, and screamed "You did what?". Okay, so Mark & I hadn't talked much in a while, and technically, Kara & I had no obligation to each other...but still, it hit me like a knife in the chest, and I couldn't think straight. She started explaining the situation right away - she wasn't being defensive, because she didn't think she had done anything wrong - but she told me what happened; they had been at a party, and had been drinking (if I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone start a sentence like that...this is why I rarely drink), and Alice had left without her, and one thing had led to another, and it didn't mean anything, and yadda yadda...none of which calmed me down in the slightest.

So, I shot right back at her; how could you do this, you know how I feel, you know he's a friend of mine, who do I have to blow in this town to make the women I love stop fucking my friends, yadda yadda...the whole feeling was starting to become sickeningly familiar by this point. So, she gave it right back to me, telling me I had no right to talk, because I was sleeping with her when I was still with Gloria, and furthermore, there were probably other things I had done that I hadn't told her about...things she'd heard rumors about.

I didn't know what she meant by this, so I asked her "Like what things?"

She answered "What about Heidi? Huh?"

Me: "What about Heidi? What are you talking about?"

She looked at me with those brown eyes of hers all squinted up like she was looking right through me, and she said "Did you sleep with Heidi?"

Now, let me say right now that when I heard her ask me that question, I knew right then and there that she must already know the answer, and if she didn't, it was a miracle & the subterfuge would surely not last much longer. I knew in that split-second that the right thing to do was just to tell the truth, and just deal with it. After all, I hadn't done anything wrong by sleeping with Heidi...Kara was probably doing it with Joe in the next room while it was happening. But regardless, for some reason that I still don't understand today, when she asked me that question, I looked her dead in the eye & without hesitation, I said "No....I didn't."

That moment right then & there might have been the crucible of our relationship.

She started at me and said "Are you sure?", and I knew right then that I had just dug myself a hole that I was never getting out of. I denied it again, and finally I managed to steer the conversation back to my feelings being hurt - 'cus that was what was really important, you see - and the Heidi issue was buried..for a time. Eventually, she said she was sorry for what happened with Mark....but that she still hadn't done anything wrong. I knew she was right, but I wanted her to feel like she had done something wrong; I just wanted her to care about me like I did her....or to at least have the common decency to lie to me when she screws one of my friends, like I did. I didn't really think that, but at that moment, if it really was a one-time thing, I sure wish I hadn't known.

Anyway, a few hours later, we were naked & sweaty again....I think she knew that there was basically nothing she could do that I wouldn't forgive her for, and I felt like an even bigger chump than I already did...but at that moment, she was there with me & not Mark or anyone else...and that's all I really cared about.

Over the next few weeks, we developed a kind of routine; we would hang out pretty much every day, but my mom would go stay at her fiance's house every Tuesday & Thursday night, so those became our nights for her to sleep over...and the first few nights like that were just magic; she would come over & I would make dinner (badly; or I'd buy it & pretend I'd made it), then we'd lie around & laugh at stuff on TV or take a drive around the park or somewhere, then we'd go home & make love for hours & then lie there talking about anything & everything until the sun came up. For a few hours at a time, I was able to make myself believe we were a real couple.

Christmas was about a month after I had gotten back, and try as I might, I can't remember what I got her or what she got me (if anything). I don't think I went overboard with something expensive, or I would have remembered it, and I do remember thinking that I should get her something small but nice, so it didn't freak her out, 'cus as soon as I would start to want more from our relationship, she would start to pull away. Whatever it was (why can't I remember?), I went to her house on Christmas evening to see her & give her her gift and although we never left her room all night, it was one of the best Christmases I ever spent.

She had on this long pink hippie dress, which was rare for her, and remember the way it hung off her shoulders & how her skin shined in the light from the candles in her room as we lay on her floor and talked, and I remember how when I left out the front door to do the sneak-back-in-in-5- minutes-routine, she helped me in through the window, and we stood there next to her bed and kissed as she dropped her dress to the floor, and afterwards, I told her that I was glad that I was there with her on Christmas, and that I loved her. She kissed me, and said that she was sorry for everything that had happened between us, and that she knew that she was a hard person to be with, but she had never been as close to anyone before like she felt she was with me, and that she loved me, too. I honestly can't ever remember being happier in my life than I was that night...maybe one other time, but that came later....

The next week, on New Years Eve, we decided to spend the evening with just the two of us, instead of going to any of our friends' parties. At that time, since I had left & come back, I had been speaking to all of my friends less & less; I don't know if it was because I only cared about spending time with her, or if I wanted to keep her out of reach of any of my other friends, or some combination of both, but the point is, during this period, I was all but shutting myself off from the world, with the exception of Kara. She, at the same time, was going through a difficult period; she was fighting with her 2 close friends and she had just gotten out of school and wasn't looking forward to going out into the real world, so to speak, so at the time, we were both kind of pushing the rest of the world away. So, that new years, I scored a bottle of champagne or two, and we got smashed and ran around my house naked all night, finally passing out on top of each other sometime before morning. By all accounts, I missed the New Years Party of a lifetime that night...stories about it are still told to this day, but I didn't long as I was with her, we could've been in a prison camp & I would've been satisfied.

So, the first few couple of months went like that; we'd spend almost every day together, sometimes we'd fight, sometimes we'd laugh, sometimes she'd be totally in love with me, sometimes she'd want her independence, it was like a roller coaster, but I was hanging onto the ride for dear life. The more time we spent together, the more we both began to realize that we really did have something special together; some things just came to easy for us. We could talk to the other one about anything, at any time, and most of the time, we knew each other so well that we could tell what the other was feeling; she was especially good at knowing exactly what was going on in my head. We talked many times about whether we were meant to be together or not, and although we both agreed that we loved each other, we both reacted to it in different ways; I was thrilled by it; it scared the living hell out of her.

Then Valentine's Day came around....and that's a whole chapter in itself.....


Blogger Mint Tulip recalled...

Sometimes it seems like the two of you just tried to piss each other off. At least you got to have a good Christmas after such a crappy for Valentine's Day...they usually aren't good.

Nice title on this one....have it stuck in my head now.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 7:44:00 AM  
Blogger scanime recalled...

If you heard someone screaming, "No, you fool!" that was probably me when I read that you lied to Kara about Heidi. I'm also glad your Christmas holiday turned well, but I wonder what went wrong for Valentine's.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 8:20:00 AM  
Blogger Me recalled...

I was browsing through blogs and came across this one. Very interesting, I love the drama. You are very articulate.

Good luck with everything.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 8:47:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

lying always leads to something bad!!! but you've learned that by now haven't you? oh i'm just so addicited to this shit!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 9:05:00 AM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

Valentine's day never works out the way you'd like. at least not for me. i have yet to have that perfect Valentine's Day.

oh but wait, i'm getting ahead of myself here. glad to hear you guys had some good times instead of all the rough ones you were having.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 9:12:00 AM  
Blogger michellesarah recalled...

I know at the time you were young and dumb and all that, but a reoccuring theme I'm sensing is double standards on your part... don't get me wrong, I love the blog and the dramas and I'll keep reading, but I know part of the aim of this blog is for you to work out what went wrong over the years in your lovelife. Kara was right, you were doing her when you were with Gloria, yet you got pissed when Gloria wanted to go on that trip with her girlfriends. You get mad with Kara for doing your friend, who you yourself admit you weren't that close to, when you were away (possibly forever). For all Kara knew, you were never coming back, was she supposed to wait for you? You met a girl while you were away too, and although you never actually had sex, you did have feelings for her. But yet, it's okay for you to get mad at Kara for not sitting at home waiting for you, when she wasn't even sure if you were going to return at all?

I know you know now that it was wrong, but if this is a theme that carries on through more of your relationships over the years, then you've found your problem!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 7:44:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Well, you're definitely right; and the double standards only get worse over time. I've always known that I do that, but again, I don't know why. Trust me, I know it's a problem...I don't practice what I preach, but I expect everyone else to...and it's hurt me time & time again.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 8:01:00 PM  
Blogger Ana recalled...

totally agree with michellesarah and u shudnt have lied to her eathier you know, she may be selfish but at least she was truthful.

Thursday, September 29, 2005 1:32:00 AM  
Blogger Jennifer recalled...

Oh, and I love the David Allen Coe reference in the title. Now I have that song stuck in my head! Well, it's better than having Fraggle Rock stuck in there (don't ask)

Thursday, September 29, 2005 12:56:00 PM  
Blogger Donald recalled...

I often can see the flaws - the relationship flaws - in others (& they don't want to hear about them) and I often see them in my past, but I rarely recognize them in myself in real time. I make a lot of the same mistakes over & over, and my realizations are always about one or two relationships behind.

Monday, February 26, 2007 6:42:00 PM  

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