Don't Go Back to Rockville...
Don't give me more credit than I'm due; Misty might have just had bad timing, but after I had been there about two months, I found myself thinking about things just a little less, day by day. It didn't hurt that we couldn't afford a phone in our house, and since I couldn't call long-distance at work, I had to make all my calls from the pay phone down the mountain in the parking lot of the local laundromat, where it was usually way too cold to have any kind of lengthy conversation.
Even so, I had called Kara a few times since I'd been there. I'm sure in the beginning I would have probably called her every night, but I didn't have the money or the access to a phone yet, so the first few times we talked was brief. I could tell she missed me, though - but it was hard to read too much into that; Kara, for all her lack of 'normal' affection, was a very loyal & caring person, in her own way, and I knew she would miss anybody that she had gotten used to, had they been gone.
About a week or 2 after we'd moved into the house, I hiked the 100 yards down to check the mail one day, a couple of mornings after the first big snow since I'd been there, and standing there knee-deep in powder, I opened the mailbox and pulled out a letter from her....the only thing I still have that she ever wrote to me (probably because it was the only thing she ever wrote to me).
She told me the reader's digest version of what was happening with all the gang back home; she said she still hadn't talked to Joe, and that it had finally hit her that I wasn't just down the street anymore whenever she wanted to come see me...she said she couldn't imagine being in a place so far from home. She mentioned how she was feeling blue lately because fall had come & the leaves were all dying & it made her feel like she did when she was a little kid right before school started, and she hated that feeling. She didn't say that she wished I was there, or that she was sorry I had left, but she said she missed me being around, and not to forget about her, 'cus she hadn't forgotten about me. She signed it "love, Kara", tho, so I looked at that as the glass being half-full.
Even now, all these years later, I can still sit here & hear her voice speaking it as I read it. It's all here...the little non-sequiters she would break into, the questions about life & the analogies she would make, the switch from blue to black ink 'cus her pen ran out & she didn't want to start over. The next to last line sums her up perfectly...
As time went by, however, my isolated setting was really starting to work wonders on my frame of mind. Pretty soon, I found myself getting up in the morning and wondering what I was going to do that day, not how I was going to keep from thinking about Kara all day. I was enjoying my job, and was starting to really like the group of friends I had made. And, of course, after a while, I started to notice that there were actually other girls around.
In fact, Tyson had a friend that he worked with whom I started to get along with rather well; her name was Jo, oddly enuff ('nother real name alert...sorry, Jo, wherever you are...). She had a little loft apartment right above the town square, and we all went there a few times to hang out & enjoy the fantastic view she had of the whole valley. That Halloween, there was a party at the local club where Tyson's band played, and we all got dressed up for the night. I can't remember what anyone else went as, but I made myself a homemade superhero costume and I looked totally sweet, if I do say so myself, but I digress...
I do remember what Jo was wearing, however; she was Raggedy Ann, and she had the freckles to go with it. We hung out & danced all night, and after a few shots of cheap vodka & some of that mother-raping mountain weed, I could honestly say I was hard-pressed to even remember Kara's name. Jo & I ended up back at her place, making out on her bed in front of the huge picture window that overlooked the town, with snow falling all around. We didn't go all the way, but it was just what I needed at the time, and it was pretty damn sweet.
Jo & I never really got a chance to hook up again, as she was leaving the next week for training at a new job, but just being with her that one night had made me feel almost like a new man. The next couple of weeks were a blast; we finally got a TV for our house, and it could actually pick up 2 whole channels! Big time, hoss. We also went to a memorable party up on the top of one of the neighboring mountains, with a huge bonfire that reached so high, I remember expecting police choppers to show up. That night, I went on a beer run in the passenger seat of this guy named Josh's truck. Josh was, by far, the most reckless driver I had ever seen, and by the time we got halfway down the mountain I was ready to bail right out of the car. We were sliding on the ice, making hairpin turns down a liitle windy mountain road with no guardrails, and I have no idea how we made it there & back alive. A few months later, after I was gone, I found out that Josh and Arlo, the pot guy, were driving the same route when Josh lost control of the car & crashed into a tree. Arlo died on the spot.
Regardless, life was settling into a regular routine for me out there. I had only been gone for about 3 months, but I had already found a job, made some great friends, found a fantastic place to live, and had done it all on my own...I was proud of myself. My family had finally seen that I was going to be alright & they were happy for me; life was looking pretty damn good for a change. I was sitting at work one night, getting ready to close up; I had just written a letter to Roxanne, and I was writing one to my friend Ted back home when the phone rang. Three guesses as to who was on the other end....
I don't know what I was more amazed with; the fact that she had actually called me (and not collect!), or with what she said. She sounded...almost emotional, and if you knew Kara, you'd know how out of the ordinary that was. Don't get me wrong; she wasn't calling to say that she missed me & loved me & couldn't live without me & wanted me to come home.....that didn't mean that wasn't what I was going to hear, but it's not what she said.
I mean, she did say that she missed me, but I think she was just in one of the moods she used to get in; all put-me-in-a-box-and-paint-me-black, but I hadn't been around in a while, and I ate it right up. She was sad because her friend Laurie was moving away, and because she & Heidi hadn't been speaking (something I secretly cheered for, since I had something to hide there), and her dad was driving her nuts, and she didn't like her job, and she missed just being able to come over to my house and forget about it all...
It didn't all happen at once; in fact, I went home that night and sat awake thinking about it for hours. I couldn't believe that, less than 12 hours previous, I had barely thought about her in days. Well, Ill be honest, maybe in a day or so. Regardless, it was like all the time I had spent not missing her just rushed to catch up all at once; I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that right before I left, things had started to actually seem possible between us (if only for the fact that she had temporarily stopped sleeping with one of my friends), and now here I was, thousands of miles away, unable to do a damn thing about it. I mean, if I felt strongly enough about her to feel like I had to flee the goddamn state to get over it in the first place, then I should feel strongly enough to try and see if anything might actually happen, right? See, I know, it sounds crazy when you write it all out. Its amazing how quickly I managed to forget the fact that I was supposed to be starting a new life out here, and trying to bury the damn past....suddenly I was able to justify everything from my narrow point of view & shut out logic entirely. I'm pretty sure that I knew it as soon as I hung up that phone, but certainly by the time I woke up the next morning, my mind was all but made up. Almost...
First, I had to see if it was all a fluke, or just some really vivid dream I had. After I had eaten & had a shower, I put on my boots & trudged down the hill to the hardware store with a handful of quarters. I dialed her house and she answered the phone.
She sounded honestly surprised and happy to hear from me again, and her mood seemed better overall. If it was just a by-product of her depression, then I figured I'd find out now. But, we sat there and talked for as long as my cold fingers could pop in quarters. I didn't tell her what I was thinking of doing, but I asker her if she wished that I was still there, and she said she did. I asked her if she opened her door tomorrow and saw me standing there, what she would do...and she said that she didn't know, but she'd probably be shocked and happy & would probably give me a huge hug and a kiss. Well, in my totally deluded state, that was all I needed to hear. Check, please...
I hung up the phone and before I walked back to the house, I called my boss and put in my 2-weeks notice. I told him that I had gotten a call from home, and had been offered a job at a local TV station & I had to take the opportunity...it was too good to pass up. No way was I gonna tell anybody there that I was really just a huge pussy, who was about to crawl back across the country on his hands and knees just in the hopes that the same girl who put him here in the first place would maybe throw him a lousy bone, if she felt like it.
I fed my friends there the same story, and they were all disappointed. Somehow, though, I was so damn focused on Kara again that I didn't really give a damn anymore. Just a few days ago I was thanking the powers that be that I had been so blessed to meet such good people since I'd been here, and now I was ready to walk away from them & never look back; I didn't notice it at the time, but it was almost like I had been brainwashed in a day, my mood shifted so fast. I know I did it all to myself, but I still don't really know how I let myself do it, and it still scares me a lot that it all happened like I was on auto-pilot...a feeling I would have many years later, in a different story. Regardless, I got ready to say my goodbyes to the town that had adopted me so kindly just a few months before....
Before I left, though, there was something else that happened...there was a girl that we hired at the video store about a week before I was to leave. Her name, or her fake name, oddly enough, was Andi. She wasn't the most gorgeous girl in the world...or even the town, but she had these beautiful big, blue eyes that just stared right through you. She had had a rough life; she was estraged from her parents, who were both alcoholics, and she was living in a trailer in a little town a few miles away with her brother and one of his friends and absolutely no money or barely a pot to piss in. She was smart, though, and she had a great sense of humor. One day we got to talking about westerns in the store, and so I asked her over that night to watch Good, the Bad & the Ugly, not thinking of it as a date at all, but still undeniably intrigued by her. We watched the movie & laughed and talked afterwards, but she had a long drive and an early morning, so she left pretty early.
The next day, we both worked together again, and afterwards she asked if I wanted to go out to where she lived to see this little building that her brother wanted to rent & turn into a club. I figured what the hell, it might be fun, so we drove out there in my car & met up with her brother & friend, who were very cool guys. The town they lived in was just a tiny speck on the map, and the building he was looking at was literally the only standing structure for a block in all directions. Still, he had big dreams, and I wonder now if he ever got to actually open the place.
Later that night, we went back to her trailer, and the other guys left us alone in the living room to watch the one half-static station on their little black + white TV. I have no idea where my gallantry and guilt went to, as I was honestly not overly smitten with Andi 2.0, (truthfully, she'da been 3.0, but that's not worth mentioning) but somehow no thoughts of Kara or anything else crept into my mind, and we ended up kissing on her lumpy brown sofa for what seemed like hours.
We didn't go too far, because she knew I was going to be gone in a few days, and she said something to the effect of 'why do you have to be moving away right when I meet you?', and I remember thinking to myself "Ya' know, this just might be one o' them signs you're always goin' on n' on about....I mean even if it ain't, it sure as hell proves that you don't have to drive back across all of god's creation to find a nice girl..." Nevertheless, it was very, very sweet, and I'll always remember it, and she was probably an extremely interesting girl to get to know, but it didn't change anything, or make me so much as think straight for a minute. I was able to stave off the guilt to spend one really cool night with her, but Andi wasn't enuff to keep me from going back home. I kissed her goodbye about an hour before the sun was to rise, and I got back home & in my bed just as it was peeking over the mountains. In just a few days, I'd be homeward bound....
Even so, I had called Kara a few times since I'd been there. I'm sure in the beginning I would have probably called her every night, but I didn't have the money or the access to a phone yet, so the first few times we talked was brief. I could tell she missed me, though - but it was hard to read too much into that; Kara, for all her lack of 'normal' affection, was a very loyal & caring person, in her own way, and I knew she would miss anybody that she had gotten used to, had they been gone.
About a week or 2 after we'd moved into the house, I hiked the 100 yards down to check the mail one day, a couple of mornings after the first big snow since I'd been there, and standing there knee-deep in powder, I opened the mailbox and pulled out a letter from her....the only thing I still have that she ever wrote to me (probably because it was the only thing she ever wrote to me).
She told me the reader's digest version of what was happening with all the gang back home; she said she still hadn't talked to Joe, and that it had finally hit her that I wasn't just down the street anymore whenever she wanted to come see me...she said she couldn't imagine being in a place so far from home. She mentioned how she was feeling blue lately because fall had come & the leaves were all dying & it made her feel like she did when she was a little kid right before school started, and she hated that feeling. She didn't say that she wished I was there, or that she was sorry I had left, but she said she missed me being around, and not to forget about her, 'cus she hadn't forgotten about me. She signed it "love, Kara", tho, so I looked at that as the glass being half-full.
Even now, all these years later, I can still sit here & hear her voice speaking it as I read it. It's all here...the little non-sequiters she would break into, the questions about life & the analogies she would make, the switch from blue to black ink 'cus her pen ran out & she didn't want to start over. The next to last line sums her up perfectly...
As time went by, however, my isolated setting was really starting to work wonders on my frame of mind. Pretty soon, I found myself getting up in the morning and wondering what I was going to do that day, not how I was going to keep from thinking about Kara all day. I was enjoying my job, and was starting to really like the group of friends I had made. And, of course, after a while, I started to notice that there were actually other girls around.
In fact, Tyson had a friend that he worked with whom I started to get along with rather well; her name was Jo, oddly enuff ('nother real name alert...sorry, Jo, wherever you are...). She had a little loft apartment right above the town square, and we all went there a few times to hang out & enjoy the fantastic view she had of the whole valley. That Halloween, there was a party at the local club where Tyson's band played, and we all got dressed up for the night. I can't remember what anyone else went as, but I made myself a homemade superhero costume and I looked totally sweet, if I do say so myself, but I digress...
I do remember what Jo was wearing, however; she was Raggedy Ann, and she had the freckles to go with it. We hung out & danced all night, and after a few shots of cheap vodka & some of that mother-raping mountain weed, I could honestly say I was hard-pressed to even remember Kara's name. Jo & I ended up back at her place, making out on her bed in front of the huge picture window that overlooked the town, with snow falling all around. We didn't go all the way, but it was just what I needed at the time, and it was pretty damn sweet.
Jo & I never really got a chance to hook up again, as she was leaving the next week for training at a new job, but just being with her that one night had made me feel almost like a new man. The next couple of weeks were a blast; we finally got a TV for our house, and it could actually pick up 2 whole channels! Big time, hoss. We also went to a memorable party up on the top of one of the neighboring mountains, with a huge bonfire that reached so high, I remember expecting police choppers to show up. That night, I went on a beer run in the passenger seat of this guy named Josh's truck. Josh was, by far, the most reckless driver I had ever seen, and by the time we got halfway down the mountain I was ready to bail right out of the car. We were sliding on the ice, making hairpin turns down a liitle windy mountain road with no guardrails, and I have no idea how we made it there & back alive. A few months later, after I was gone, I found out that Josh and Arlo, the pot guy, were driving the same route when Josh lost control of the car & crashed into a tree. Arlo died on the spot.
Regardless, life was settling into a regular routine for me out there. I had only been gone for about 3 months, but I had already found a job, made some great friends, found a fantastic place to live, and had done it all on my own...I was proud of myself. My family had finally seen that I was going to be alright & they were happy for me; life was looking pretty damn good for a change. I was sitting at work one night, getting ready to close up; I had just written a letter to Roxanne, and I was writing one to my friend Ted back home when the phone rang. Three guesses as to who was on the other end....
I don't know what I was more amazed with; the fact that she had actually called me (and not collect!), or with what she said. She sounded...almost emotional, and if you knew Kara, you'd know how out of the ordinary that was. Don't get me wrong; she wasn't calling to say that she missed me & loved me & couldn't live without me & wanted me to come home.....that didn't mean that wasn't what I was going to hear, but it's not what she said.
I mean, she did say that she missed me, but I think she was just in one of the moods she used to get in; all put-me-in-a-box-and-paint-me-black, but I hadn't been around in a while, and I ate it right up. She was sad because her friend Laurie was moving away, and because she & Heidi hadn't been speaking (something I secretly cheered for, since I had something to hide there), and her dad was driving her nuts, and she didn't like her job, and she missed just being able to come over to my house and forget about it all...
It didn't all happen at once; in fact, I went home that night and sat awake thinking about it for hours. I couldn't believe that, less than 12 hours previous, I had barely thought about her in days. Well, Ill be honest, maybe in a day or so. Regardless, it was like all the time I had spent not missing her just rushed to catch up all at once; I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that right before I left, things had started to actually seem possible between us (if only for the fact that she had temporarily stopped sleeping with one of my friends), and now here I was, thousands of miles away, unable to do a damn thing about it. I mean, if I felt strongly enough about her to feel like I had to flee the goddamn state to get over it in the first place, then I should feel strongly enough to try and see if anything might actually happen, right? See, I know, it sounds crazy when you write it all out. Its amazing how quickly I managed to forget the fact that I was supposed to be starting a new life out here, and trying to bury the damn past....suddenly I was able to justify everything from my narrow point of view & shut out logic entirely. I'm pretty sure that I knew it as soon as I hung up that phone, but certainly by the time I woke up the next morning, my mind was all but made up. Almost...
First, I had to see if it was all a fluke, or just some really vivid dream I had. After I had eaten & had a shower, I put on my boots & trudged down the hill to the hardware store with a handful of quarters. I dialed her house and she answered the phone.
She sounded honestly surprised and happy to hear from me again, and her mood seemed better overall. If it was just a by-product of her depression, then I figured I'd find out now. But, we sat there and talked for as long as my cold fingers could pop in quarters. I didn't tell her what I was thinking of doing, but I asker her if she wished that I was still there, and she said she did. I asked her if she opened her door tomorrow and saw me standing there, what she would do...and she said that she didn't know, but she'd probably be shocked and happy & would probably give me a huge hug and a kiss. Well, in my totally deluded state, that was all I needed to hear. Check, please...
I hung up the phone and before I walked back to the house, I called my boss and put in my 2-weeks notice. I told him that I had gotten a call from home, and had been offered a job at a local TV station & I had to take the opportunity...it was too good to pass up. No way was I gonna tell anybody there that I was really just a huge pussy, who was about to crawl back across the country on his hands and knees just in the hopes that the same girl who put him here in the first place would maybe throw him a lousy bone, if she felt like it.
I fed my friends there the same story, and they were all disappointed. Somehow, though, I was so damn focused on Kara again that I didn't really give a damn anymore. Just a few days ago I was thanking the powers that be that I had been so blessed to meet such good people since I'd been here, and now I was ready to walk away from them & never look back; I didn't notice it at the time, but it was almost like I had been brainwashed in a day, my mood shifted so fast. I know I did it all to myself, but I still don't really know how I let myself do it, and it still scares me a lot that it all happened like I was on auto-pilot...a feeling I would have many years later, in a different story. Regardless, I got ready to say my goodbyes to the town that had adopted me so kindly just a few months before....
Before I left, though, there was something else that happened...there was a girl that we hired at the video store about a week before I was to leave. Her name, or her fake name, oddly enough, was Andi. She wasn't the most gorgeous girl in the world...or even the town, but she had these beautiful big, blue eyes that just stared right through you. She had had a rough life; she was estraged from her parents, who were both alcoholics, and she was living in a trailer in a little town a few miles away with her brother and one of his friends and absolutely no money or barely a pot to piss in. She was smart, though, and she had a great sense of humor. One day we got to talking about westerns in the store, and so I asked her over that night to watch Good, the Bad & the Ugly, not thinking of it as a date at all, but still undeniably intrigued by her. We watched the movie & laughed and talked afterwards, but she had a long drive and an early morning, so she left pretty early.
The next day, we both worked together again, and afterwards she asked if I wanted to go out to where she lived to see this little building that her brother wanted to rent & turn into a club. I figured what the hell, it might be fun, so we drove out there in my car & met up with her brother & friend, who were very cool guys. The town they lived in was just a tiny speck on the map, and the building he was looking at was literally the only standing structure for a block in all directions. Still, he had big dreams, and I wonder now if he ever got to actually open the place.
Later that night, we went back to her trailer, and the other guys left us alone in the living room to watch the one half-static station on their little black + white TV. I have no idea where my gallantry and guilt went to, as I was honestly not overly smitten with Andi 2.0, (truthfully, she'da been 3.0, but that's not worth mentioning) but somehow no thoughts of Kara or anything else crept into my mind, and we ended up kissing on her lumpy brown sofa for what seemed like hours.
We didn't go too far, because she knew I was going to be gone in a few days, and she said something to the effect of 'why do you have to be moving away right when I meet you?', and I remember thinking to myself "Ya' know, this just might be one o' them signs you're always goin' on n' on about....I mean even if it ain't, it sure as hell proves that you don't have to drive back across all of god's creation to find a nice girl..." Nevertheless, it was very, very sweet, and I'll always remember it, and she was probably an extremely interesting girl to get to know, but it didn't change anything, or make me so much as think straight for a minute. I was able to stave off the guilt to spend one really cool night with her, but Andi wasn't enuff to keep me from going back home. I kissed her goodbye about an hour before the sun was to rise, and I got back home & in my bed just as it was peeking over the mountains. In just a few days, I'd be homeward bound....
12 Comments:
God, to have your optimism....
um, you might wanna sit down for these next few parts, hon.... ;)
hmmm... that auto-pilot thing and having to lie to people should have set alarm bells ringing...
nice to have two posts in quick succession though.
Was afraid you might give this up - imagine how cruel of you that would be?
Don't go back home! Don't do it! She's just going to screw you over again and you'll be right back where you started from!
AAHHH!!
this Kara girl really had a hold on you, huh?
I loved how you took a photo of the letter and the fact that you SAVED the letter:) Nice visual aid.
I am curious, do you think your mother's remarriages and your absentee biological father has had any impact with how you handle your relationships? (I read your profile as I was curious where in the south you live... I am in Nashville). I know that my family has impacted my relatinships...
Also, do you know where Kara and your other "important" exes are now? Like if they are married or what not? I suppose if you do you will divulge this later, but I had to ask:)
I just found out yesterday that the guy who shattered my heart got married to my psycho nemesis college roommate. Although I am over him (god it is YEARS later), it did stab me in the heart for a moment that he ended up with HER.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Liz
Liz,
I am curious, do you think your mother's remarriages and your absentee biological father has had any impact with how you handle your relationships?
Huge impact...at least where my mom & her history are concerned. I didn't realize how much 'til years later, but yes, and in very specific ways....I'm sure I'll explain it at some point, or you can write me & I'll elaborate.
(I read your profile as I was curious where in the south you live... I am in Nashville).
Hmmm...I don't wanna say where there are so many ears. You might be one of them... ;)
I know that my family has impacted my relatinships...
I'm not sure how much my dad's absence affected things; I didn't really know what to miss. I coulda used a good ass-kicking once in a while tho...
Also, do you know where Kara and your other "important" exes are now? Like if they are married or what not? I suppose if you do you will divulge this later, but I had to ask:)
Yes, I know where 90% of them are now...even if I wish I didn't. I don't mean that; I love 'em all. Sorta.
And thanks for the questions! Feel free with 'em...I'll try not to post 'spoilers' on the blog, but if anyone has a question & they don't mind being spoiled, e-mail me & I'll probably answer it...it's not like this is a damn mystery novel or something. :P
-Ex
One can tell that this is not going to end well.
I forgot how crazy and plain DUMB I used to be about girls, thanks for the reminder...
How many cans must one stack up
to drink that girl out of your mind?
Being a product of divorce I find your comments about the effect on your relationships to be particularly on point.
When you got back to "Rockville", hopefully you didn't waste more than a year on this...
NOOOOOOOO! I cant believe you're going back...I'm disappointed...she is evil....silly you
I forgot how crazy and plain DUMB I used to be about girls, thanks for the reminder...
When does this shift in men occur? I mean, when do we stop having that kind of stupid-making influence over you? This is important information. :-)
I'll let you know as soon as it happens ;)
A month ago I was exactly feeling how you are feeling now, in pain, crying, heart broken, and then I found this site saveabreakup.com and I followed their instructions, I had my girlfriend come back to me in no time so fast !! I was so so happy and I'm still very happy, don't give up! I suggest you view the free videos that tell you what to do on saveabreakup.com
Thanks a lot for your advice guys, it helped me a lot, I went to www.saveabreakup.com and followed their step by step instructions and it worked perfectly, now me and my girlfriend are back together.
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