Monday, September 12, 2005

Mushrooms After Midnight...

(music to set the mood: Van Morrison - Moondance)

As big a part of my life as she became, I cannot believe that I can't remember the first time I kissed Kara. I remember the first time for....other things, but unless it was the same night (which it very well might have been), I just can't remember. In fact, I'm almost certain it had to be that night, because I know I would have remembered it otherwise...and I definitely remember what happened that night.


The night in question, I had been over at Gloria's house watching Dying Young (see, I'd compromise once in a while!) and had come home at a decent hour because she had school the next morning. At about a quarter after midnight, there was a tapping on my window, and I opened it and snuck her inside; I was living back with my grandparents for a few months after Jeff & I had lost our apartment, and my grandma wouldn't have really done much of anything had she known, but she was a sweet lady & Kara didn't want her to think she was a bad girl...which I guess she was. No she wasn't, I take that back; she was young. We all were. Anyway.

She had been out with a friend & they had been tripping on mushrooms all day. They had done it early in the afternoon and gone to the park all day & she had just dropped one of the girls off nearby, so she stopped in half because she wanted to tell me about the day and half because she was tired but didn't want to go home and have to deal with her dad after having a headfull of hallucinogens.

So, she told me about all the goofy things they had done & I chided her a bit because I really didn't like the idea of her doing that stuff (I had done my share in the post-Andi period, and had already decided that 'shrooms & acid were way too much drug for me), but I listened and laughed anyway...heck, she could have been reading aloud from the phone book and I would have been enthralled. Eventually, she lied down next to me and fell asleep, and I just laid there and stared at her for a while.

She had this tiny little scar on her chin and her upper forehead where a dog had bitten her when she was just a few years old, and I remember her sleeping all curled up with her head resting on my shoulder and her hand on my arm, and I thought she had the smallest, most delicate hands I had ever seen....I was just amazed by them. I just lied there as quiet as I could be while she slept.

After about two hours, she woke up, and opened her eyes and just out of the blue, she said "Do you think people in the old west knew they smelled bad? Or were they just used to it?". She did things like that all the time...she made me want to run out and learn all the secrets of the universe just so I could come back and answer all her questions. I said something like "I don't know, but I guess you probably would get used to it after a while". Then I remember she looked up at the ceiling for a minute, like she was thinking about something, then she turned back to me again, smiled, and said "Do you want to kiss me?". Do I...

I couldn't manage to say "yes", but I think I was able to manage a nod, then I reached over & pulled her to me and I kissed her. It was amazing; I remember exactly the way her lips felt and the way she put her arm around me and grabbed onto my shoulder. We kissed for what was probably only a few minutes, and I don't think I could have even remembered Gloria's name at that moment if you had asked me....or my mother's for that matter. Then, all of a sudden, she stopped. She looked up at me and said "You have a girlfriend!".

Well, duh. You knew that five minutes ago...and yes, I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel terrible, but right now it's a little late, and I've only been dreaming about this for the better part of a year or so...but fine, you're right: I have a girlfriend. So, what do we do about that?

She knew all about my relationship with Gloria, pretty much every little detail of it...she was even pretty well aware of the fact that I thought she was the hottest little thing I had ever seen, but as far as what was going on in her mind, I didn't have a clue...nor do I have one now. So, we sat there and talked about how we probably shouldn't do this for a few minutes...or rather, she talked about that, I just talked about how much I desperately wanted to keep on kissing her. Eventually, she said "Ok, I'm gonna kiss you again...but we can't ever do this again, ok?" I thought saying never was going a bit far, but at that moment, I would have agreed to most anything; not because I was horny or just wanted to get laid...because it was her.

So, we kissed some more...which led to more, which led to even more, and before we knew it, the sun was coming up and we were having sex when she realized she'd better get home before her dad woke up. So, afterwards, we got up and she got dressed & wondered aloud if her parents would be able to tell she had 'sex hair'. We walked...or more precisely, I floated...out to her car and as she got in, I leaned over to kiss her and she put her finger up to my lips and said "No...you have a girlfriend." Right...I forgot. Nevertheless, she drove away as the sun was just becoming bright and I think I might have danced all the way back into the house; that morning was one of the best feelings I ever had. I remember I went inside, made some pop tarts, laid down to watch Super Friends and drifted off to sleep with a Joker-worthy grin on my face.

Eventually, though, I woke up...and (after reassuring myself that it wasn't all a dream) called Kara right away. She was still asleep, her mom said, but how was I doing? Had I found an apartment yet? Her mom always liked me & was always very sweet to me. Not yet, I told her, but just then, someone beeped in on the other line. I let her mom go & switched over, hoping it was Kara. It wasn't. Instead, I was instantly reminded that oh yeah, I have a girlfriend.

It was Gloria; she wanted to know what I wanted to do that weekend. Sitting there, listening to her voice during that conversation, I realized I had to do something about the situation. I had been with her for the better part of a year - my longest relationship up to that point - and I had gotten used to our routine, but the night before with Kara I had been reminded just what it felt like to have...passion for somebody; to want to just grab them and kiss them and to just...devour them; something I had never even come close to feeling with Gloria. It was like having a moment of clarity where you see everything you've been doing wrong and everything you should be doing right - a feeling I've rarely had - and I knew I had to end it somehow.

Easier said than done...

23 Comments:

Blogger amy recalled...

i think it's great you answered all the questions right. 10,000pts for you!

Monday, September 12, 2005 11:40:00 PM  
Blogger thorncrown recalled...

what a bunch of enterprising assholes! I like your blog and I'm not selling any fucking thing, writing it out makes it easier to see at a distance huh? I know, I just finished my 18th journal and it's gotten me through several crazy ass relationships and kept me sane, keep it up, you have a flair for seeing the bullshit in the world and in yourself, we're all full of it, but the wise man can recognise his own bs and cope with his imperfections. What you have here is good and you're perceptions are sharp, I'll be back around, later.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 12:17:00 AM  
Blogger Surfside recalled...

Yes, the passion! That white hot burn you know you can't live without. It's the Holy Grail of relationships.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 2:22:00 AM  
Blogger firedancerdancin recalled...

so, i've been sick, and due to the coughing, i've been waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to sleep--i happened upon your blog last night in one of those bouts of cough induced insomnia, and I'm so glad I did--I enjoyed reading it so much, and i'm excited to read the next installment of the exgfproject!

random sidenote: did you happen to watch "High Fidelity" lately? :-)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 7:41:00 AM  
Blogger virtual lovers recalled...

I enjoy reading your blog. Really good. Will come back.
xx

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 7:44:00 AM  
Blogger Al recalled...

wow,
love your blog - I did the same thing several years ago via a written journal. I didn't find any answers, just more questions.
Mainly - how did I get so far without winding up in prison?

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 7:49:00 AM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

random sidenote: did you happen to watch "High Fidelity" lately? :-)

I'm not sure how the writer of that movie learned my life story, but I haven't seen a penny from it yet...
;)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 8:05:00 AM  
Blogger EHS_BrigetteChapman recalled...

WHAT DID YOU DO.....

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 9:06:00 AM  
Blogger Ammie recalled...

I was about to write about High Fidelity but I'm afraid everyone else got there first!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 9:07:00 AM  
Blogger Pam recalled...

Wow, sometimes it really is worth pressing that Next Blog button.
This is some really engaging and honest writing. I'll definitely be back for more.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 10:24:00 AM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

oooooh..... getting juicy now..... :-)

see, while your story is taking place in the past, mine is ongoing in the present. i'm you like 10-15 years ago.

i really don't think my problems are that much more "pressing" than other people's..... i just write about them more. hopefully by this time next year, my life will have calmed to the point i'll have nothing juicy to write about! :-)

as always, i gotta know what happens next...... keep us informed man!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 11:47:00 AM  
Blogger firedancerdancin recalled...

the thing I love about blogging is being able to take out your personal censorship chip which allows you to be completely publicly anonymous, if there is such a thing...

and the rest of us get to be voyeurs.

After reading your blog, I realized that it's not only me that defines chapters of life by the members of the opposite sex. I have the most random of details in my head about every boyfriend I've ever had, and the ones that I didn't have either--the ones that were fleeting moments of childhood crushes (*james being the first boy I ever really REALLY longed for in the 8th grade, but him not seeing me--ever--until college when I got all cute and witty and confident--karma's a bitch james. No, I will not go out with you. I'm too busy).

Anyways, the bottom line is, after self reflection on all of those past failed relationships, I have found only ONE common denominator. Me. Does that make me a bad person? No. Does it make me the WRONG person for that specific guy? Yes.

My pink fuzzy vision of the universe just allows me to hang on (however hopeless it may be) to the notion that there is a Lloyd Dobbler for every girl out there--we just have to have our heads and hearts in the right places when they show up.

I'm shutting up now.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 2:13:00 PM  
Blogger Ross recalled...

This is a great blog keep up the good work!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 4:18:00 PM  
Blogger Nikky Egland recalled...

Wow, great story - you had me enthralled

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 4:59:00 PM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

I love reading about how a guy sees a girl. i keep trying to remind myself that Aiden isn't you - but i've been cheated on before and i'm terrified someone else will do it ...

you're writing just brings me into the moment, it reminds me about everything a relationship should be. i'm certainly learning a lot from this, and it is addictive.

thanks so much!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 5:16:00 PM  
Blogger Me recalled...

great post...I liked it....

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 5:25:00 PM  
Blogger Adam Clair Stremler recalled...

Nice blog, keep up the good work!
Your blog is creative.
Andy

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 5:27:00 PM  
Blogger EAPrez recalled...

Interesting. Im kind of going through the same process - analyzing a long relationship from start to finish at my blog eaprez.blogspot.com
I will bookmark yours.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 9:24:00 PM  
Blogger KEVIN МАРУСЕК recalled...

I hit "next blog" and happened upon yours. If you haven't done so already, read "High Fidelity" by Nick Nornby, or at least watch the movie starring John Cusack. Themes walk hand-in-hand with your blog.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 10:47:00 PM  
Blogger Mella recalled...

So glad I hit the next button - (getting bumped here was a pleasant surprise after ten clicks to sites about politics, knitting and videogames.) Yours is honest & well written...thanks for restoring my faith in blogs.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 10:56:00 PM  
Blogger scratched recalled...

I can't help you with this project, but your words caught me. Hope you find love and it stays.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 11:00:00 PM  
Blogger Kio recalled...

Nice blog! Hope you find the answers you're looking for...

Greetings from Mexico City!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 11:18:00 PM  
Blogger Damaged Goods recalled...

My, what a product you have. I previously blogged with as much abandon as you but after I advertised it and people I know started reading it.. well it started to get censored. Maybe I will get back to your honesty level in my posts and I will continue to look for any patterns that we share to help myself.. Anyhow I like it. But I kinda wander when listening to your audio blogs so I would rather read. Just a personal preference.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 4:42:00 AM  

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