Mushrooms After Midnight...

(music to set the mood: Van Morrison - Moondance)

As big a part of my life as she became, I cannot believe that I can't remember the first time I kissed Kara. I remember the first time for....other things, but unless it was the same night (which it very well might have been), I just can't remember. In fact, I'm almost certain it had to be that night, because I know I would have remembered it otherwise...and I definitely remember what happened that night.

The night in question, I had been over at Gloria's house watching Dying Young (see, I'd compromise once in a while!) and had come home at a decent hour because she had school the next morning. At about a quarter after midnight, there was a tapping on my window, and I opened it and snuck her inside; I was living back with my grandparents for a few months after Jeff & I had lost our apartment, and my grandma wouldn't have really done much of anything had she known, but she was a sweet lady & Kara didn't want her to think she was a bad girl...which I guess she was. No she wasn't, I take that back; she was young. We all were. Anyway.

She had been out with a friend & they had been tripping on mushrooms all day. They had done it early in the afternoon and gone to the park all day & she had just dropped one of the girls off nearby, so she stopped in half because she wanted to tell me about the day and half because she was tired but didn't want to go home and have to deal with her dad after having a headfull of hallucinogens.

So, she told me about all the goofy things they had done & I chided her a bit because I really didn't like the idea of her doing that stuff (I had done my share in the post-Andi period, and had already decided that 'shrooms & acid were way too much drug for me), but I listened and laughed anyway...heck, she could have been reading aloud from the phone book and I would have been enthralled. Eventually, she lied down next to me and fell asleep, and I just laid there and stared at her for a while.

She had this tiny little scar on her chin and her upper forehead where a dog had bitten her when she was just a few years old, and I remember her sleeping all curled up with her head resting on my shoulder and her hand on my arm, and I thought she had the smallest, most delicate hands I had ever seen....I was just amazed by them. I just lied there as quiet as I could be while she slept.

After about two hours, she woke up, and opened her eyes and just out of the blue, she said "Do you think people in the old west knew they smelled bad? Or were they just used to it?". She did things like that all the time...she made me want to run out and learn all the secrets of the universe just so I could come back and answer all her questions. I said something like "I don't know, but I guess you probably would get used to it after a while". Then I remember she looked up at the ceiling for a minute, like she was thinking about something, then she turned back to me again, smiled, and said "Do you want to kiss me?". Do I...

I couldn't manage to say "yes", but I think I was able to manage a nod, then I reached over & pulled her to me and I kissed her. It was amazing; I remember exactly the way her lips felt and the way she put her arm around me and grabbed onto my shoulder. We kissed for what was probably only a few minutes, and I don't think I could have even remembered Gloria's name at that moment if you had asked me....or my mother's for that matter. Then, all of a sudden, she stopped. She looked up at me and said "You have a girlfriend!".

Well, duh. You knew that five minutes ago...and yes, I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel terrible, but right now it's a little late, and I've only been dreaming about this for the better part of a year or so...but fine, you're right: I have a girlfriend. So, what do we do about that?

She knew all about my relationship with Gloria, pretty much every little detail of it...she was even pretty well aware of the fact that I thought she was the hottest little thing I had ever seen, but as far as what was going on in her mind, I didn't have a clue...nor do I have one now. So, we sat there and talked about how we probably shouldn't do this for a few minutes...or rather, she talked about that, I just talked about how much I desperately wanted to keep on kissing her. Eventually, she said "Ok, I'm gonna kiss you again...but we can't ever do this again, ok?" I thought saying never was going a bit far, but at that moment, I would have agreed to most anything; not because I was horny or just wanted to get laid...because it was her.

So, we kissed some more...which led to more, which led to even more, and before we knew it, the sun was coming up and we were having sex when she realized she'd better get home before her dad woke up. So, afterwards, we got up and she got dressed & wondered aloud if her parents would be able to tell she had 'sex hair'. We walked...or more precisely, I floated...out to her car and as she got in, I leaned over to kiss her and she put her finger up to my lips and said "No...you have a girlfriend." Right...I forgot. Nevertheless, she drove away as the sun was just becoming bright and I think I might have danced all the way back into the house; that morning was one of the best feelings I ever had. I remember I went inside, made some pop tarts, laid down to watch Super Friends and drifted off to sleep with a Joker-worthy grin on my face.

Eventually, though, I woke up...and (after reassuring myself that it wasn't all a dream) called Kara right away. She was still asleep, her mom said, but how was I doing? Had I found an apartment yet? Her mom always liked me & was always very sweet to me. Not yet, I told her, but just then, someone beeped in on the other line. I let her mom go & switched over, hoping it was Kara. It wasn't. Instead, I was instantly reminded that oh yeah, I have a girlfriend.

It was Gloria; she wanted to know what I wanted to do that weekend. Sitting there, listening to her voice during that conversation, I realized I had to do something about the situation. I had been with her for the better part of a year - my longest relationship up to that point - and I had gotten used to our routine, but the night before with Kara I had been reminded just what it felt like to have...passion for somebody; to want to just grab them and kiss them and to just...devour them; something I had never even come close to feeling with Gloria. It was like having a moment of clarity where you see everything you've been doing wrong and everything you should be doing right - a feeling I've rarely had - and I knew I had to end it somehow.

Easier said than done...