Sunday, September 11, 2005

Triangle Man...

(music to set the mood of the period: U2 - Mysterious Ways, Guns N' Roses - November Rain)

Gloria & I had been together for a few months now, and things were starting to get a little strained. I was starting to get more & more frustrated that I was in a relationship that I wasn't really into, and she was frustrated about whatever was frustrating me. I don't remember exactly when the point came where she stopped worshipping the ground I walked on, but it wasn't too long after Eric died. Her friends weren't too fond of me, for the same reasons her mother wasn't, and I knew this, and being the asshole that I was, I started to discourage her from spending time with them. Part of this was because my friend Pete was good friends (and clandestinely in love with) Gloria's friend Dana, and he would tell me how Dana was always trying to get Gloria to try and meet other guys & such, but still it wasn't my place to tell her what to do, and it was my own fault that her friends were trying to get her away from me in the first place. Even so, the Ego Monster was in his full adolescent rebellion period, and he usually got his way.


One huge fight came when she planned a trip with her 2 friends down to Panama City Beach, Florida...girls only. Now, I knew her two friends, and even the most understanding and trusting of boyfriends would have been worried about letting their girl out of sight with these 2...and I was not the most understanding and trusting of boyfriends. Of course, the fact that I didn't really want to be with her anyway didn't make any difference...as it never really has. I remember doing something that pretty much labeled me as the biggest jerk on the block then; we were sitting in a Burger King, arguing on & on about her going on the trip for about an hour, and when she finally just told me that she was going & I would just have to deal with it (and I still cringe just thinking about this), I took my milkshake and dumped it all right into her lap. Ya, I know...and you should have smacked me, had you been there. I can't believe nobody did, actually. I remember feeling like the biggest fucking asshole in the world, even as my arm was still in motion. She just got up without a word, walked out and left, and I sat there...like the asshole I was.

Why did I do that? There's no good reason to do that....maybe I had a reason with Andi, but even then I'm not sure...and I sure didn't have a reason this time. I'm sure that, subconsciously, I was trying to drive her away, but surely I could have come up with better ways to do that...like saying "it's over", maybe? I know I was more interested in other girls than her at the time, but if Kara had seen me do that (or, god forbid, I had done it to her), she would have broken all my teeth with a pipe wrench, and had Roxanne seen me do it, she'd have never spoken to me again...which would have been 100x worse than the pipe wrench. Bottom line is: I don't know why I did it - I've never raised my hand to another girl since, even to toss a milkshake, but for some reason, I did....and even after that, she still didn't break up with me, which only made me feel guiltier about it. Matter of fact, to this day, whenever I tell my friends I've been in a fight with whichever girl, they're prone to ask "did you throw a shake on her?'

So, she went to Florida, and I dealt with it, and I know that pretty much the rest of the year we were fighting on & off, but I can't remember much of it. I remember her coming across Roxanne's school picture in my glove box on the way home from playing miniature golf one night & tossing it out the window. I remember giving her a necklace for her birthday, and that every time we would get into a fight, she'd make a big show of taking the necklace off...but if she showed up at the door later and she had the necklace on, I knew it wouldn't take long to make up. I remember taking her over to my grandma's house for Christmas that year, and (remember, she was Jewish) she had never spent a Christmas with anyone before. My family isn't very big or very close, but we used to make a big show of the holidays, and I remember it really got to her.

I had an aunt & uncle who were pretty old, and always gave the lamest gifts. They didn't know I was bringing my girlfriend that year, I don't think, but once they got there, they must have improvised, because they walked over and handed us a pair of matching presents. We opened them...and they were decorative tissue box covers - you know, those little flowered plastic covers you stick atop your box of Kleenex for...some reason. I'm sure one of them was for my mom or something, and they asked her if it was ok if they put Gloria's name on it...probably so she wouldn't feel left out; they were very nice people. Well, she opened this lame gift that she must have known wasn't meant for her...and she just lost it. She broke down in tears right there, and leaned over to hold onto me & said "I hate my family...they've never done anything as nice as this". I didn't know what to do...I felt so bad for her at that moment. She had lost her dad when she was only seven, and the only family she had here was her mom, her friends, and me. So, I just held her there, as everyone else went on with opening their gifts....and I thought back over everything I had done, and I felt once again like the biggest asshole on earth. Made even worse by the fact that, all night, I had been wondering what Kara was doing...

That was Christmas...but I hardly remember anything else that happened between me & Gloria until the spring, when it ended. All I can remember during that time are the other things that were happening in my life; with Joe & the old crew slowly drifting apart, with me losing the lease on the apartment I had been living in after my roommate (Jeff) got arrested & couldn't pay the rent, and with all the time I started spending with Kara...

It really all started after she & Chris broke up; I remember she called me up one day & she was really upset. She wasn't crying...I'm not sure I ever did see Kara cry, but she was upset. She wanted to go to the park, which is what she always wanted to do when something was on her mind, so we picked up some Taco Bell & drove out to one of the picnic areas. She was a restless little thing, and she paced around while she told me about what happened with her & Chris. Apparently he had been messing around with this other girl we all knew & Kara had found out. She had confronted him & he hadn't denied it, and she had told him to never talk to her again; they were through. What she was really upset about, though, was that she had just, in the last couple of weeks, given him her virginity.

Kara had a best friend - Laurie - who was a virgin & proud; she was truly saving herself for marriage (and for all I know she did), and though Kara wasn't holding out for the same reasons as Laurie, she had been careful with her virginity, and she really thought that she & Chris had something special. I remember standing behind her as she was talking about the two of them on & on and wondering if I put my hand on her shoulder...just to comfort her...would she pull away? Kara was not a very touchy-feely person, and I remember being deathly afraid of her pulling away from my touch...so I didn't try, I just stood there & listened.

After that day, we started talking all the time. We'd talk on the phone for hours every night if I wasn't with Gloria, and if I was, she'd call when I got home. Sometimes, she'd come over to my house & climb in through the window, and we lie there & talk and listen to music or sometimes go out for a walk. We weren't really trying to have an affair or anything...I mean, I was completely infatuated with her, and was trying to spend any & all time I could with her..but we were still just friends, and she showed no outward sign of wanting to be anything else with me; at least most of the time. We'd talk for hours on end, though...about anything at all. She had the most amazing way of looking at life...she was just fascinated by everything; people and why they did the things they did...everything. She saw the world through these lenses that filtered out all the bullshit that people try to paint the world with...she was insightful, perceptive, and terrifyingly smart. I was in absolute awe of her.

And things were about to get really wacky....

6 Comments:

Blogger Trixie recalled...

Whoa...you are the king of power trips!

Sunday, September 11, 2005 6:24:00 AM  
Blogger dreamgurl recalled...

The milkshake thing was pretty bad. I would have reacted like you said Kara would - busting your face with a pipe wrench! =)

Sunday, September 11, 2005 7:23:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

you're my replacement for dawson's creek, crazy shit kid. i think i'm learning about men from this ... i think ;)

Sunday, September 11, 2005 1:42:00 PM  
Blogger MandyGirl recalled...

this shit is like crack. ;)

i showed your blog to a friend and she's hooked too.

Sunday, September 11, 2005 10:14:00 PM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

you threw a milkshake on her? dang boy! :-) i probably wouldn't have broken up with you either if i really liked you.... guess that means i'm pathetic.

"And things were about to get really wacky...." Come on, tell us more! :-)

Monday, September 12, 2005 8:22:00 AM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...

DANG IT !!! I LOVE THE LAST LINE!! I WANT SOMEONE TO BE IN AWE OF ME!!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 5:33:00 PM  

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