"She doesn't look Druish..."
(music to set the mood of the period: Sliver by Nirvana; anything from the first album by Masters of Reality)
The more I sit here & try to decide what to write, I realize just how out of order everything is...in my head and on the page. I'm doing my best to try and go chronologically, and I hope the color-coding helps, but the fact is, there are times where I'm gonna forget stuff or get things mixed up 'cus I'm old and burned out now. Also, there will be times when certain things just happen to come to mind, and I'll want to blog it before I forget it, so I guess in short, just try to bear with me, and maybe it will all make sense in the end (I hope it does to somebody, 'cus it sure don't to me).
I'm toying with the idea of doing some audio entries & seeing how that goes...it might be easier for my lazy ass, too...
Anyhoo, when we left off, I had a huge crush on Roxanne, but at 15 to my 18 she was too young for me at this stage. I was also finding myself more purely attracted to Kara than anyone than I'd ever met before...but she was spoken for, and we were just friends. There was also this girl who weasled her way into the group somehow & developed a bad case of the Yours Trulys...a little literal Jewish princess named Gloria.
Gloria was, in short, annoying as hell. She was cute enough in her way, but she wasn't my type at all (me just having learned what that type was) and she tended to bug the hell out of me along with everyone else....except her obligatory pretty best friend, who was the main reason we let her hang around in the first place. She dug the hell out of me for some reason, though....and she was persistent. Real persistent. I remember she cornered me in the bedroom during a party at someone's house once & had her friend lock us both in the closet....I mean, come on, I'm 18...what am I gonna do? Well, believe it or not, I didn't do it, not precisely anyway. Maybe more like Clinton's definition....
So, long story short, the next Friday I found myself actually being set up on a proper date with Gloria...after we had already gotten freaky in the closet, of course...priorities. I remember I wore some jeans & one of my Spider-Man t-shirts & when she answered the door, she was all gussied up to the nines with a nice dress on & jewelry & the whole bit. I professed innocence & casualness & she went up to her room to change and I remember feeling several different things right then; the Ego Monster was swelled with pride at how excited she was to go out with me & how much time she had taken; the smart-ass in me was secretly amused that I had stuck it to the man & refused to conform to society's dress code once again (a bad habit that I've needed to break for years); and the little man inside felt slight annoyance at myself for the fact that I was here legitimizing a relationship I had absolutely no interest in starting...other than just being bored (a feeling I would come to know intimately in time, felt for the first time here, I now realize).
Also, her changing gave me no place to hide from meeting her mother, something I was not planning on doing if I could help it. Turns out I couldn't. She called me into the living room & I introduced myself. I had been instructed by Gloria to lie to her mother & tell her I was a freshman in college, but the subject didn't really get breached past me telling her I was a student. She regarded me with that look that I now know only Jewish mothers have...I was usually pretty good with the parents, but this lady had it in for me since day one. It took me a long time to realize it, but she was absolutely right; she was just looking after her daughter, and I had anything but her best interests at heart. Nevertheless, at the time, I just felt like she was just a bitch, and our relationship never really improved from that day on....and it sure got a whole lot worse, too.
Eventually, Gloria came downstairs & we were off. I remember she wore a little yellow & purple polka-dotted top and I thought how hot Kara would look in it on the way to the car. I have no memory of where we went or what we did, but I'm sure I tried to get out of it as cheaply as possible, knowing she wouldn't mind. I had only had a couple of girls have crushes on me up to that point, but somehow I seemed to have an innate instinct for pushing a girls feelings for me as far as they would go...in other words, if I knew they liked me, I would basically expect them to put up with anything. She didn't complain.
I know that we ended up on the sofa at my place with her crawling all over me trying to tear my clothes off & me resisting. In retrospect, I don't really know why I didn't just go ahead and do it that night; I had already pretty much let her snag me already...or at least I wasn't putting up too much of a fight. Well, actually I do know why I didn't do it, but I still shouldn't have let it stop me...it wasn't so much that I didn't want to have sex with her for moral reasons, I just knew even then that if I did, I would just end up wrapped up in a relationship of some sort with her, and with my luck, as soon as I got a girlfriend, Kara would sudden;y be available (aha...another first appearance of an oft-recurring thought! Note to self...). The part that I shouldn't have let stop me was the fact that I already knew deep down that I was going to end up doing it anyway...but, that night I waited. She complained, but I realize now (even though it was not my intention at the time) that it just made her like me that much more.
Well, the next day, the gossip circle was abuzz that we were an 'item', and I remember trying to shrug it off at first, but I had barely had time to respond to anything before she showed up at my house the next evening unannounced with a bag of weed and Chinese food...once again, what was I gonna do? Well, I ate the Chinese food & smoked her weed...and I probably would have done it that night, but she passed out after drinking a Seagram's wine cooler on top of smoking dope, at which point I called up my idiot friends to come over & smoke her weed & eat some Chinese food. I know, I know...it was an asshole thing to do, and I knew it at the time...but I did it just because I had never done it before. I had had my heart dragged through the dirt by Andi, and I guess I just kinda wanted to see what it felt like to play mr. big shot for once...do one of those asshole things guys do that they laugh about with their buddies the next day. I know, I suck...I swear that wasn't like me...but it sure seemed to sum up my relationship with Gloria, which would be consummated the next week, as her mom was going out of town, and she invited me to come over and spend the whole weekend....
The more I sit here & try to decide what to write, I realize just how out of order everything is...in my head and on the page. I'm doing my best to try and go chronologically, and I hope the color-coding helps, but the fact is, there are times where I'm gonna forget stuff or get things mixed up 'cus I'm old and burned out now. Also, there will be times when certain things just happen to come to mind, and I'll want to blog it before I forget it, so I guess in short, just try to bear with me, and maybe it will all make sense in the end (I hope it does to somebody, 'cus it sure don't to me).
I'm toying with the idea of doing some audio entries & seeing how that goes...it might be easier for my lazy ass, too...
Anyhoo, when we left off, I had a huge crush on Roxanne, but at 15 to my 18 she was too young for me at this stage. I was also finding myself more purely attracted to Kara than anyone than I'd ever met before...but she was spoken for, and we were just friends. There was also this girl who weasled her way into the group somehow & developed a bad case of the Yours Trulys...a little literal Jewish princess named Gloria.
Gloria was, in short, annoying as hell. She was cute enough in her way, but she wasn't my type at all (me just having learned what that type was) and she tended to bug the hell out of me along with everyone else....except her obligatory pretty best friend, who was the main reason we let her hang around in the first place. She dug the hell out of me for some reason, though....and she was persistent. Real persistent. I remember she cornered me in the bedroom during a party at someone's house once & had her friend lock us both in the closet....I mean, come on, I'm 18...what am I gonna do? Well, believe it or not, I didn't do it, not precisely anyway. Maybe more like Clinton's definition....
So, long story short, the next Friday I found myself actually being set up on a proper date with Gloria...after we had already gotten freaky in the closet, of course...priorities. I remember I wore some jeans & one of my Spider-Man t-shirts & when she answered the door, she was all gussied up to the nines with a nice dress on & jewelry & the whole bit. I professed innocence & casualness & she went up to her room to change and I remember feeling several different things right then; the Ego Monster was swelled with pride at how excited she was to go out with me & how much time she had taken; the smart-ass in me was secretly amused that I had stuck it to the man & refused to conform to society's dress code once again (a bad habit that I've needed to break for years); and the little man inside felt slight annoyance at myself for the fact that I was here legitimizing a relationship I had absolutely no interest in starting...other than just being bored (a feeling I would come to know intimately in time, felt for the first time here, I now realize).
Also, her changing gave me no place to hide from meeting her mother, something I was not planning on doing if I could help it. Turns out I couldn't. She called me into the living room & I introduced myself. I had been instructed by Gloria to lie to her mother & tell her I was a freshman in college, but the subject didn't really get breached past me telling her I was a student. She regarded me with that look that I now know only Jewish mothers have...I was usually pretty good with the parents, but this lady had it in for me since day one. It took me a long time to realize it, but she was absolutely right; she was just looking after her daughter, and I had anything but her best interests at heart. Nevertheless, at the time, I just felt like she was just a bitch, and our relationship never really improved from that day on....and it sure got a whole lot worse, too.
Eventually, Gloria came downstairs & we were off. I remember she wore a little yellow & purple polka-dotted top and I thought how hot Kara would look in it on the way to the car. I have no memory of where we went or what we did, but I'm sure I tried to get out of it as cheaply as possible, knowing she wouldn't mind. I had only had a couple of girls have crushes on me up to that point, but somehow I seemed to have an innate instinct for pushing a girls feelings for me as far as they would go...in other words, if I knew they liked me, I would basically expect them to put up with anything. She didn't complain.
I know that we ended up on the sofa at my place with her crawling all over me trying to tear my clothes off & me resisting. In retrospect, I don't really know why I didn't just go ahead and do it that night; I had already pretty much let her snag me already...or at least I wasn't putting up too much of a fight. Well, actually I do know why I didn't do it, but I still shouldn't have let it stop me...it wasn't so much that I didn't want to have sex with her for moral reasons, I just knew even then that if I did, I would just end up wrapped up in a relationship of some sort with her, and with my luck, as soon as I got a girlfriend, Kara would sudden;y be available (aha...another first appearance of an oft-recurring thought! Note to self...). The part that I shouldn't have let stop me was the fact that I already knew deep down that I was going to end up doing it anyway...but, that night I waited. She complained, but I realize now (even though it was not my intention at the time) that it just made her like me that much more.
Well, the next day, the gossip circle was abuzz that we were an 'item', and I remember trying to shrug it off at first, but I had barely had time to respond to anything before she showed up at my house the next evening unannounced with a bag of weed and Chinese food...once again, what was I gonna do? Well, I ate the Chinese food & smoked her weed...and I probably would have done it that night, but she passed out after drinking a Seagram's wine cooler on top of smoking dope, at which point I called up my idiot friends to come over & smoke her weed & eat some Chinese food. I know, I know...it was an asshole thing to do, and I knew it at the time...but I did it just because I had never done it before. I had had my heart dragged through the dirt by Andi, and I guess I just kinda wanted to see what it felt like to play mr. big shot for once...do one of those asshole things guys do that they laugh about with their buddies the next day. I know, I suck...I swear that wasn't like me...but it sure seemed to sum up my relationship with Gloria, which would be consummated the next week, as her mom was going out of town, and she invited me to come over and spend the whole weekend....
2 Comments:
'Fess up. Where these self-realizations/anaylses happening during the actual event or are we retrospectively adding them?
Sometimes I knew I was screwing up...sometimes not. Somethings I understand better now...some not...that's what I'm workin' on.
Honestly, Gloria asked for what she got. Any woman/girl with so little self respect that she shameless chases the "bad boy" all over Hell's half acre is asking for the burn.
To be fair, we were all pretty much bad boys back then...and I was actually one of the nicer of the bad, so I dunno if that was what she was doing, but regardless....
Current self-relfection aside, you needed a boost to your self esteem. It's only normal plus you meet people along the way who are either going to change your opinion of yourself or enhance it. Gloria just enhanced it. And may I say, loving the blog.
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