Blah...
(listening to: Marillion - Hard as Love)
I think all this is starting to get to me a bit...
I've just been in a hell of a mood all day. I was out with my idiot friends tonight and all this stuff I've been writing about was knocking around in my head and whatever we talked about tonight I somehow managed to keep steering the conversation back to my past....mainly back to Kara, since we were out near her neck of the woods tonight, so to speak. I didn't even realize I was doing it until my friend Elaine pointed it out, and then everybody remarked how unusual it was, because usually it's Roxanne that always comes up when I'm in these moods, and there hadn't been a good night of everyone listening to me go on & on about Kara for a few years now. It doesn't make me feel good that they notice things like this...or more to the point, that I do them at all for anyone to notice, but listening to me bitch about my love life is par for the course with us.
As far as Kara goes, my friend Alan reminded me of something he told me once: you know you need to get over it when more than 2 presidents have been elected since the breakup....he told me that about 3 elections ago. And I am over it now; I can honestly say I have been for a few years now, but it still makes me mad when I think about just how many goddamn years I spent with the shadow of that girl hanging over my head...and I know you guys don't know what all I'm talking about yet since I'm only halfway through her story (if that), but just take my word for it when I say that it was way too long. Way, way too long. Way.
I've had several e-mails from people asking me questions about what's going on in my life today & what exactly did I screw up so badly that I feel the need to re-examine my whole love life from the beginning, and there's no short answer (well, maybe there is...but I dunno if I'm gonna throw it out there just yet), but I will tell you that on the surface, there's nothing tragic or horrible about my life today; it's probably no different than anyone else's, and most of it I'm pretty much happy with...aside from the areas which we're dealing with here.
As far as those areas go, I haven't dated anyone in almost 2 years now. After the events of the last few years (which I still haven't talked about yet), I haven't had the slightest desire to date anyone or meet anyone new...I've all but taken myself off the market completely. I still meet people all the time, even if I'm not trying to, but I haven't...I don't even know how to put it, I just haven't cared - I just don't have it in me. It's like that part of me is just broken nowadays...and even if it wasn't, I haven't met anyone that even remotely sparked my interest in longer than I can remember, and anyone else I might be interested in is unavailable, to say the least...and no, I don't mean Kara.
And it's not just relationships I haven't been interested in; I haven't even just felt like going out & getting laid, either. I haven't had sex in over a year, and I can't say that I've even been driven to pursue it lately. The last few relationships I was in, sex was just such a...I dunno, there was either too much emphasis on it or not enough, and I'm just sick of all the bullshit that sex has gotten me into over the years, I guess. Casual sex doesn't interest me at all anymore...and aside from when I was a teenager, I never was the casual sex kinda guy anyway; I always felt cheap in the morning. But that didn't stop me from sleeping with girls that I knew were just gonna come back & bite me in the ass later...in a figurative sense...and I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I dig it & I think I'm alright at it...but I'm just tired of it being the end-all-be-all of everything.
So, basically, that's why I'm here. I don't want to feel like this the rest of my life. I'd like to have some emotions again...or at least the good kind, like I used to have, for a change. I'd like to know that, when & if someone comes along again that I actually give a shit about, that I'll actually be able to...do something about it. Something besides screw up their life & mine six ways from Sunday...'cus that, I'm great at.
I dunno...I'm makin' all the rules up as I go, people. And I want to know what you guys think; that's why I'm doing this in plain view of the whole world instead of from a therapists couch or huddled in my corner. I've gotten some really insightful e-mails from some people that really made me think about things, and I've read & appreciated every comment you guys have ever left, so please...I need the feedback, keep it coming. As I've said before, I could use to actually listen to what people besides myself think once in a while. If anyone who knows me heard that I was actually soliciting other people's opinion on things, they'd think they were taking crazy pills. Speaking of which, some of those would be nice right now...
I think all this is starting to get to me a bit...
I've just been in a hell of a mood all day. I was out with my idiot friends tonight and all this stuff I've been writing about was knocking around in my head and whatever we talked about tonight I somehow managed to keep steering the conversation back to my past....mainly back to Kara, since we were out near her neck of the woods tonight, so to speak. I didn't even realize I was doing it until my friend Elaine pointed it out, and then everybody remarked how unusual it was, because usually it's Roxanne that always comes up when I'm in these moods, and there hadn't been a good night of everyone listening to me go on & on about Kara for a few years now. It doesn't make me feel good that they notice things like this...or more to the point, that I do them at all for anyone to notice, but listening to me bitch about my love life is par for the course with us.
As far as Kara goes, my friend Alan reminded me of something he told me once: you know you need to get over it when more than 2 presidents have been elected since the breakup....he told me that about 3 elections ago. And I am over it now; I can honestly say I have been for a few years now, but it still makes me mad when I think about just how many goddamn years I spent with the shadow of that girl hanging over my head...and I know you guys don't know what all I'm talking about yet since I'm only halfway through her story (if that), but just take my word for it when I say that it was way too long. Way, way too long. Way.
I've had several e-mails from people asking me questions about what's going on in my life today & what exactly did I screw up so badly that I feel the need to re-examine my whole love life from the beginning, and there's no short answer (well, maybe there is...but I dunno if I'm gonna throw it out there just yet), but I will tell you that on the surface, there's nothing tragic or horrible about my life today; it's probably no different than anyone else's, and most of it I'm pretty much happy with...aside from the areas which we're dealing with here.
As far as those areas go, I haven't dated anyone in almost 2 years now. After the events of the last few years (which I still haven't talked about yet), I haven't had the slightest desire to date anyone or meet anyone new...I've all but taken myself off the market completely. I still meet people all the time, even if I'm not trying to, but I haven't...I don't even know how to put it, I just haven't cared - I just don't have it in me. It's like that part of me is just broken nowadays...and even if it wasn't, I haven't met anyone that even remotely sparked my interest in longer than I can remember, and anyone else I might be interested in is unavailable, to say the least...and no, I don't mean Kara.
And it's not just relationships I haven't been interested in; I haven't even just felt like going out & getting laid, either. I haven't had sex in over a year, and I can't say that I've even been driven to pursue it lately. The last few relationships I was in, sex was just such a...I dunno, there was either too much emphasis on it or not enough, and I'm just sick of all the bullshit that sex has gotten me into over the years, I guess. Casual sex doesn't interest me at all anymore...and aside from when I was a teenager, I never was the casual sex kinda guy anyway; I always felt cheap in the morning. But that didn't stop me from sleeping with girls that I knew were just gonna come back & bite me in the ass later...in a figurative sense...and I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I dig it & I think I'm alright at it...but I'm just tired of it being the end-all-be-all of everything.
So, basically, that's why I'm here. I don't want to feel like this the rest of my life. I'd like to have some emotions again...or at least the good kind, like I used to have, for a change. I'd like to know that, when & if someone comes along again that I actually give a shit about, that I'll actually be able to...do something about it. Something besides screw up their life & mine six ways from Sunday...'cus that, I'm great at.
I dunno...I'm makin' all the rules up as I go, people. And I want to know what you guys think; that's why I'm doing this in plain view of the whole world instead of from a therapists couch or huddled in my corner. I've gotten some really insightful e-mails from some people that really made me think about things, and I've read & appreciated every comment you guys have ever left, so please...I need the feedback, keep it coming. As I've said before, I could use to actually listen to what people besides myself think once in a while. If anyone who knows me heard that I was actually soliciting other people's opinion on things, they'd think they were taking crazy pills. Speaking of which, some of those would be nice right now...
11 Comments:
Here's a comment, honey. I sense you are an energy sucker. Figure out how to energize yourself, find the joy in your life. It's never in another person AND, get this, if you're this obsessed about Kara, it means you were all about what you could get out of her. You weren't on an equal level. Poor Kara had nothing left to give you. I could see why she left you. Who needs that pressure of being someone's end all and be all.
Hope she isn't dead. My apologies if you're a widower. If you're not, get the fuck over it already.
I just found your site tonight and read through it. I think it's a cool idea. Good luck.
Interesting. I know the feeling about not being interested until that special someone sparks your interest. Things will work out. Hopefully, you can leave your previous love behind. Come into the future, a whole man. We all have our past hurts and fears. We can always get past them. Be strong. Be the man you know you are! Be the man we know you are, too! The time is now. Throw those old feelings to the wind. Sure, it's autumn, but love can happen in the fall, too. It doesn't have to wait for spring thaw! ...but then, who am I to give advice?
Well, look, it's like this. I won't throw a bunch of bullshit cliches at you or tell you what a sensitive person you are or belittle you for having emotions over things in your past. The short of it is this: your blog is insightful and sincere. I get a real feeling of your past as you present it. You have a real talent for making a person feel like they are experiencing these pieces of your life. I have much more to say, but it's still early, there's more of the story for you to tell and I'm not one to jump to conclusions or try to package things into neat little boxes just to spare feelings or stroke egos. Don't stop telling your story, just make sure you are getting more out of it from yourself than you are some of these people that post comments. In the end, the truths that you are meant to find may suprise you, you may find they were inside you all along. I'll be back.
casual sex sucks. it's so empty. i hate it.
maybe no matter how much we search for the answers, we're still always learning new things about ourselves, and we'll never completely figure it all out.
Lord knows i analyze and analyze and analyze and i'm still back to, "i'm confused." :-)
Some situations and some people stick with you for a long time. And it may take a while to work through it. I can think of one guy that the memory sort of stuck with me for at least 20 years after we broke up. We weren't even that good together, but it was intense while it lasted. Hope you can find some peace of mind. In the meantime, go ahead and blog about it. Writing it all down and getting feedback could be exactly what you need.
your writing style allows for universal application of what is obviously a very personal account. i just stumbled upon your project, started at the beginning, and wasn't able to stop until i was caught up. this is great work. hopefully it helps to know that although nobody reading was there, very many people have been there.
Hi, I stumbled upon your blog and was immediately sucked in by the content and style of writing. I started at the beginning and couldn't stop reading until I was up to date. You have an incredible talent for writing, more so than some of the idiot authors these days who are getting published, and you have a gift for telling a story. I look forward to reading the rest of your saga.
Hi, me again, just came back to see if you had added more to this yet - I am looking forward to reading more - I think that a lot of us that have read this blog can identify with a lot of your experiences. Hang in there, you are doing a great job seeing this project through! Ill be back.
Thanks, all you guys. It was just that kinda weekend ;)
...and last time anyone was beating down my door, it was because I hadn't paid the cable bill....
We all go through this kind of unhingeing of ourselves. But at some point you have to allow yourself to feel the way you are feeling and its ok. It's hard to let go of some people, you think that they are the glue that keeps you together but really its your idea of them that's the glue. Everyone has their own experience and this is yours but its something we all relate to, but the thing is sometimes you can read too much into it. Sometimes a spade is a spade and that's it. The best thing is though that you should know that even this minute right when you right your blog, you're being passionate. Never lose that.
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