Friday, September 16, 2005

Who the hell did I think I was?

So I'm sitting there the next day, packing up my stuff, wondering how I'm going to pay my first month's bills and give Gloria her money when I hear a car pull up to the house - rather quickly - and someone get out. I think I knew it was Kara before she got to the door, but I never even got to open it because she stormed right into the house and right back into my room and started screaming at me.

I had tried to call her numerous times the night before to ask her what the hell had happened with her & Joe, and just exactly what she thought she was doing and where did I fit into all this, but she wasn't home all night...or at least not before it was too late to call her house. Apparently I should have just been patient, 'cus right away she started to tell me just what she was thinking at the top of her lungs. She wanted to know WHO the hell I thought I was telling Joe that he couldn't date her, and what gave me the right to do that, and she wasn't my girlfriend and she hadn't promised me anything and I had no right to interfere in her life and tell her or anyone else what they could or couldn't do, and some other stuff about my manhood & my mother that I won't repeat.

This was all I needed...as if I didn't have enough on my mind already, now she has to go and absolutely tear my heart out by basically telling me that all of a sudden she's decided to join the leave-me-for-my-best-friend club before I even had a chance to...to do anything, and not only that, but she's so mad about the very thought that I would dare interfere in her pursuing my best friend, that she's willing to barge into the middle of my grandma's house and start yelling & calling me names about it. I didn't know what to do...I don't even remember saying a word; I just stood there and took it. I didn't even tell her to go and take a flyin' leap and land on him for all I care...if I said anything at all, I probably begged her to change her mind.

Regardless, she left, fully intent on doing whatever the hell she felt like doing...as she always would. And I remember I sat there and knew that I had more important things to be worried about, but I was just devastated...I couldn't believe that the same situation had happened to me again. I remember I called Joe after a while, but I don't remember what we said....I know we talked about it, and I know that I told him something to the effect of 'I don't want you to do it...you know how I feel, but I can't stop you from doing anything, so whatever you do, just know that I feel this way'. I knew by then that it was going to happen no matter what I said...even if he were to honestly try not to, there was only so long he would be able to resist her...just like I wouldn't have been able to resist her. I must have just blocked a lot of it out, because I know I was still in shock about it, but even so I guess we must have come to some sort of understanding about it, because we were still set to move into the house that weekend, and I don't really remember much of anything else until we moved in a couple of days later.

The night before we moved in, though, was the night I was supposed to give Gloria the money for the abortion. I called her that afternoon to ask her what she wanted me to do, but when she heard me on the phone, she handed it off to Dana right away. Dana said that Gloria didn't want to talk to me or see me, but I was to come tonight after her mom went to bed and leave the money in an envelope in her mailbox; then after that she never wanted to see me again.

So, that night, I borrowed $40 from my grandfather because I was short, and I drove over to her house & left the envelope in her mailbox. I drove away still not knowing whether to believe her, or if I had just gotten scammed, but I knew I didn't have much of a choice....unless I wanted to be an even bigger asshole than I already was, and that never even crossed my mind. I drove home to finish packing, and I never saw or heard from Gloria again for many years. If she was lying about the pregnancy, she never told anyone.

Next clear memory I have is the night we all moved our stuff in & unpacked everything; Joe & I were pretty much ok around each other, but there was definitely some tension in the air; he was uncomfortable, I did notice that because it was easy to tell when anything was bothering Joe; I loved him to death & still do, but....Joe wasn't the deepest thinker in those days, and if something was on his mind, it showed. After we had unpacked, I remember dragging a few of us to go see Batman Returns, which had opened that weekend, but I know Joe didn't come with us, even though I don't remember who did. When we got back that night, he was already in his room with the door closed, and that kind of set the pattern for the first week or so that we lived in that house; Joe & I were both there, but we rarely saw each other, and everyone could tell something was wrong when we did, even if we both tried to act like it wasn't (and for my part, I desperately was trying to actually deal with it, and not be mad at Joe...or her for that matter. I didn't do so well, but I tried.) . We had a big housewarming party that weekend - which Kara was conspicuosly absent from - but aside from that, I don't remember much about the first couple of weeks we were there, other than I didn't see or speak to Kara, I didn't see her with Joe, and if anybody else did, they made sure not to tell me.

I know that, somehow or another, I must have succeeded in putting it out of my mind for a while, or maybe I just held on to the wishful thinking that if I hadn't seen them together, then they might not be together after all, but I think I knew something was going on, if only from the way everyone else acted; we all knew each other all too well back then, and we were always together....nothing stayed secret for too long. Anyway, somehow I got through the next week or two without having a total breakdown.

One thing that probably helped was the fact that I started hanging out a lot with Kara's other best friend Heidi a lot during that time. We had always been friends, but she had recently broken up with another one of our idiot friends that she had been dating, and I had sort of been her shoulder to cry on & she mine (Do you see where this is going?). Anyway, Heidi (who, I should probably mention, had been Kara's friend for years and had the EXACT same personality as her...they talked the same way, thought the same way, they were both equally neurotic...only real difference was Heidi never had half the effect on me Kara did) and I went out one night with a couple of our other friends, and I remember when they came to pick me up, they dropped off their friend Alison (also one of Kara's best friends) at our house because she was dating our other roommate Jeff. We all went to a party and got absolutely shit-faced. We dropped off the other folks on the way home, and Heidi & I went back to my place, where presumably she would pick up Alison and go on home....unless she and I were to start making out & tearing each other's clothes off out of the blue, which is what happened.

We were woken up at about four in the morning by Alison knocking on my bedroom door, doubtlessly wondering where Heidi was. I had been drinking and smoking for about 7 hours straight that night, and had had some really exhausting sex on top of it, but I shot out of bed like a rocket. My mind raced a mile-a-minute: I can't let her see that Heidi & I did it...she'll tell Kara. Wait, why should I care...Kara's probably doing my best friend! Even so...I don't want her to know I did HER best friend! Wait...but Heidi will probably tell her anyway....but maybe she won't! No, of course she won't...she wants to get back together with her boyfriend & she wouldn't want him to find out, and she'd know Kara couldn't keep her mouth shut. But what am I gonna do - she's naked in bed right here next to me! All this took place in about 3/4 of a second...and by the end, I had formulated a plan. I threw on my shorts & a t-shirt; threw half the covers on the floor, dove on top of them to make it look like Heidi had passed out on my bed so I had just slept on the floor, and said "Come in".

Alison opened the door, saw Heidi on the bed, and just said "Wake up, I have to get home" before sleepily shuffling back to Jeff's room. I got up & woke Heidi & told her the plan, which she was happy to agree with. She got up, got her things & started to leave, and I flopped back down on my bed. I knew that my ruse wouldn't last long....she would tell Kara eventually or she would find out somehow, but for now I was ok. I also remember having to sit there for a second & let the fact that I had just slept with Heidi sink in....that was something I would have never predicted. And, as I should have known then (and probably did), something that would come back to bite me in the ass big time.....

13 Comments:

Blogger mad recalled...

Why did you still want to go out with kara even though she never hesitated to be with your friend joe....were you a sucker for punishment or what....
still loning this blog....better then Melrose Place ever was.....
Maybe you should turn this into a series, like "The Wonder Years" only it would be "The Wonder Why Years"...hehe

Friday, September 16, 2005 3:15:00 AM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

so i'm only guessing that since Heidi doesn't have her own color code, she must not have been a big thing past this one night........

Friday, September 16, 2005 4:14:00 AM  
Blogger Ana recalled...

jeez it just gets better and better with you doesnt it? quick thinking though i like the casual "come in" at the end very classy. Btw it sucks when you feel like your cheating because your heart soul and mind are with the one you love but your body is with someone else. Shows you just how much the physical aspect of a relationship really matters doesnt it?

Friday, September 16, 2005 4:59:00 AM  
Blogger Jennifer recalled...

I was thinking the same thing about Heidi not having her own color. That makes it easier to follow. Oh, and I've felt the same way when I have been with one person and still in love with someone else who doesn't want me. It's wierd, but it really does feel like cheating.

Friday, September 16, 2005 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

This is some good stuff, your definately gonna learn something here....

Friday, September 16, 2005 10:37:00 AM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

She's not gonna need her own color...I'm almost out of distinct ones anyway, although I guess there's no yellow...but I hate yellow. If I start designating second-tier players I'm gonna have to move on to different fonts.... :P

And yes, huge sucker for punishment where that girl was concerned. Could have been no huge-er...

Friday, September 16, 2005 10:39:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

everything always comes back to bite me in the ass ... and it looks like your luck isn't much different!

Friday, September 16, 2005 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

yellow isn't my favorite color either. where's your green??? that's my favorite.........

Friday, September 16, 2005 12:40:00 PM  
Blogger Glitzy recalled...

Interesting idea. Found you through Melanie at Always Wishful Thinking.

I'm curious to know what your parent's marriage was like while you were growing up and what your expectations of dating were pre Andi.

Keep the posts coming!

Friday, September 16, 2005 1:31:00 PM  
Blogger Alison recalled...

Hmmm....I was a psych major. You sure you want me reading this? :-)

Friday, September 16, 2005 2:07:00 PM  
Blogger chick recalled...

i love ur blog!

Friday, September 16, 2005 2:44:00 PM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...

IS IT WRONG THAT I DON'T WANT TO GO TO LUNCH BUT JUST SIT HERE AND READ ????

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger Donald recalled...

$40.00?? I can't get a doc to tell me he CAN'T help me for anywhere near that in the 21st century!

Monday, February 26, 2007 4:54:00 PM  

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