Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Born to run...

Kara asked if she could come over and see me, and of course I said yes. I had no idea what she was so upset about or wanted to talk about, but I knew that she wasn't crying because I was leaving town...that wouldn't have been her style. In fact, she wasn't really crying at all, she was just whiny & upset, but as I've said, she wasn't the most...outwardly emotional girl in the world, and for her, it counted. Anyway, I figured I'd find out soon enough, so I threw on some cleaner clothes and waited for her.

She showed up about 15 minutes later; I opened the door after not having seen her for several weeks, and she just strolled right on in past me like nothing had happened, so we came back to my room where she started her normal routine of pacing around my room, picking up and fidgeting with everything she saw while driving me absolutely crazy by not getting to the point. Finally, I just asked her what the hell was up. She spun around really fast to face me and just said "Joe's an asshole!", with a really nasty look on her face....like it was my fault. So I asked her what he did, and she told me she had caught him sleeping with this girl we knew named Natalie, and he had been lying to her about it. So, she had told Joe he could go to hell, and had immediately called & come to see me, no doubt expecting me to just forget about all the pain she had put me through and just be some sort of emotional tampon in her hour of need & hug her and tell her it was all ok, like some kind of rebound chump.

So, I hugged her, and I told her it was all ok, and I forgot about all the pain she had caused me, and I knew I was a chump, but for that moment I could have been king of the chumps & I wouldn't have cared. I remember the smell of her just making me almost dizzy after not having been close to her for so long, and I kissed her and I don't remember a thing after that about that day other than we spent the rest of it in my little brother's bed, and I know it didn't matter at all to me why she was there or how long she would be, only that she was right then.

The next day was one week to the day before I was supposed to leave, and I remember waking up and walking outside to get the paper and all of a sudden being hit with the memory of what had happened the night before, and standing there in my front yard, wondering what the hell I was going to do. I was all set to go and had already spent several hundred dollars for the trip, as well as calling in favors with friends along the way and accepting lots of help from my family...for me to back out of the trip would take a lot of backpedaling and would end up costing me...but the very reason I was leaving (or the main one, anyway) had just shown up on my doorstep, so what should I do? I knew I had to do one thing before I could decide; Kara & I hadn't really talked much the night before, we'd been too...busy, and I hadn't wanted to bring it up for fear of ruining the moment, so I knew had to talk to her about it. I called up & drove over to her house.

When I got there, her mom was outside playing with her little sister, and she said to me "I hear you're thinkin' 'bout movin' away?". I told her I was thinking about it, and we'd see, to which she replied that it would be a shame if I did. Her little sister ran up and hugged my leg and told me she would miss me, too, and I remember wondering why Kara wasn't as affectionate as her mom & sister were, and then remembering a second later that I didn't give a shit, 'cus I was crazy about her anyway.

I went back to Kara's room & knocked on her always-locked door with the Guns N' Roses poster on the outside, and she opened the door wearing a green t-shirt from one of her brother's boy scout events, let me in and locked it behind us. I sat down on her bed with her & I talked to her about me moving away for the first time.

She told me that she would miss me if I left, and that it was hard for her to imagine me really being so far away, and not being able to just hop in the car and see me if she wanted to. I asked her if I were to stay, would she be interested in pursuing something serious between us, and she said the same thing she always said: she couldn't promise anybody anything. She cared about me more than just about anybody else she knew, she said, but she didn't want to just hop into a relationship with me. I explained that, since we had known each other for years now & had been sleeping together for months, that it really wouldn't be a huge jump, but she didn't see it that way..or she just didn't want to. Tell you the truth, I don't know what the hell she wanted...but i don't think she did, either. I know she cared about me, but she also knew how crazy I was about her, and for a girl like Kara, that's just not as appealing as the guy who's just out of reach...whoever he might be.

So, sitting there on her little single bed with the Led Zeppelin poster on the wall above it, I decided right then & there to do the only thing I knew to put myself out of her reach; I was going to move out west. I figured I'd test the old adage in reverse: I'd set myself free, and if she loved me, she'd want me back. I knew that, if I stayed, the same thing would happen again sooner or later; if not with Joe, then with someone else who wasn't constantly asking 'how high' when she said 'jump'. And aside from all that, I still had the need in me to just get away from it all...and for some strange reason that I still don't know even now, after she & I had spent that night together, I was almost more determined to go. Maybe at that point, I just wanted to prove it to her as much as myself; I was desperate to have her see something in me that would make her....I dunno....something. Still, however it turned out, I wasn't going to turn back now.

So, the next few days I spent getting my things together, and spending every possible moment I could with her. I can't remember seeing or talking to any of my friends that last week, except for the night before I left....all my time was spent soaking up all of her I could.

Two nights before I was to leave, I took a couple hundred bucks of my travel money, and I rented us a suite for the night. I scored a bottle of cheap Korbel champagne and I showed up early to place candles around the room & set the whole mood. For some reason, she wasn't able to get away until after 10 that night, and I was a little worried that the last night I had planned for us wouldn't happen, but we finally got to the room and climbed into the tub right away, drank the bottle of champagne in about 45 seconds, moved to the bedroom and proceeded to have the most amazing sex that I'd ever had in my life. We went 'til the sun came up, at which time we both went out on the balcony naked to watch the sun rise. It wasn't exactly romantic...but it was as close as I could get, and I remember every bit of it like it was yesterday. Now that I think about it, I think she was probably distancing herself from me a little bit in those last few days, so she wouldn't be so sad when I left... maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part, but I guess it maybe explains a few things....

I dropped her off the next morning with a promise that I'd stop by her house on my way out of town. I went home and crashed for what had to be the whole day, and when I woke up I remembered I was supposed to go eat with my grandparents that evening & then meet Alan, Pete & the guys back at the house for a little send-off. So, I went and let my grandma tell me her tearful goodbyes, and on the way back, a song came on the radio & I realized something; I hadn't had a chance to talk to Roxanne to say goodbye to her....I had had my head too far up Kara's ass for the past week. I knew my friends were going to show up at my house soon, but I knew I couldn't leave town without seeing her or at least telling her goodbye, even if we hadn't been talking as much lately, so I drove the extra 15 minutes out to her house to see if I could catch her, but when I got there, nobody was home.

I remember thinking I should write her a note or something, but after the incident with the last letter I wrote her (which I just now realize I didn't blog about! I'll have to make that one an audio post sometime...), I was a little wary of that method. So, instead, I just left a note pinned to the door addressed to her & Jerry, saying basically 'Bye & I'll call ya' from the mountains!'. Jerry was about to move out of town himself, and I figured they were out somewhere with the family, and I almost waited for them for a while, but instead I drove on home to find my friends already waiting in the driveway.

So, me, Alan, Pete, and Mark drank a bottle of Southern Comfort, smoked a few joints; Ted & Chris came by and hung out for a while, and a couple of other folks even dropped by (but not Joe...he was conspicuously absent) and my last night in town ended with me passed out dead drunk in the front of my yard with a cigarette in my mouth that was still there when I woke up a couple of hours later.

The next morning, I got my bags packed into the car, rolled a dozen joints for the road, got my cassettes in order, kissed my momma on the cheek, and headed out west; alone, barely 20 years old, with no job lined up, no real place to live, and no clue how the hell I was gonna get any of these things. Still, I figured that, no matter how bad it got, at least nobody out there would be sleeping with Kara....and that pulled a lot of weight in those days.

I stopped off at her house to tell her goodbye just like I said I would. She was wearing her work uniform, getting ready to go to her job, and I could tell she was upset, but I could also tell she wasn't going to show me to what degree. We talked for a minute or two, I gave her the address of Tyson's parent's house so she could write me, and then I hugged her and kissed her for as long as she let me hold her there. I told her I would miss her, and I told her I loved her.

She was used to hearing me say that; the group of friends we ran with was an affectionate bunch, and we'd often tell each other 'I love you, man!' and the like, and I had said it to her before, I'm sure...but I don't ever remember her saying it to me before that day. She wasn't saying it in the same way I was, or at least not to the same extent...I knew that, but I also knew she meant it, because she didn't say things she didn't mean. I remember that I wasn't surprised to hear her say it, given the circumstances, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't want the last thing she saw to be me crying like a 2 year-old, so I kissed her on the forehead, said goodbye, and walked out to my car. I honked my horn at her little sister who was waving at the front door, and I drove off across the country....


Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

Good for you! I was hoping you didnt stay bc of her. Just something so freeing about the open road. How exciting to be 20 and traveling to the unknown. Dont have a clue as to who, what, when where, (we all know why) but nonetheless its exciting!
I cant wait to hear about the journey!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 10:12:00 AM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

so you did go to Colorado. yay. :-) a girl like that isn't worth sticking around for. trust me, i know.... she sounds like me sometimes.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 2:03:00 PM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

i've never been more proud of you in all these weeks i've been reading ;) You did the right thing leaving!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 2:48:00 PM  
Blogger Ana recalled...

Hey... well i have mixed emotions about this post but i have to say that it took some guts so good on you. Lets hope you guys meet up later on (i understand what your going through more then you know trust me) Awaiting next chapeter i love you (those words i'm sure wre more then just casual and i think she knew it)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 11:20:00 PM  
Blogger Eric recalled...

So she was poking your friend and now she loves you?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 8:08:00 AM  
Blogger MandyGirl recalled...

Just reading this stuff makes me realize I should NOT call the guy I want to call.

Good for you going to Colorado. :)

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 8:47:00 AM  
Blogger Sarafina recalled...

from one emotional chump to another...thank you for letting me read about your drama too...i feel so much better about my life...
keep it up...
also, thanks for commenting on my blog, it made me feel special! *sniff sniff*

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 12:48:00 PM  
Blogger Alison recalled...

While I can't personally vouch for the weed quality/hotness of women in Colorado, I can say that the skiing is legendary. So for that alone, I'm glad you went.

Now I'm just wondering if Kara ends up out there as well somehow ...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 10:43:00 PM  
Blogger juOn recalled...

Ah man I can't help but feel for you! They've said it. You're a very tough guy and I admire you for that from halfway around the world where I am. I'm linking your blog to mine to it'd be easy for me to check it out once in a while. Got something interesting goin on 'round here.

Thursday, September 22, 2005 3:45:00 AM  
Blogger Veta recalled...

Sometimes the best thing to do is just go, keep on moving and you generally figure it out as you go along. Good decision to go.

Friday, September 28, 2007 10:24:00 AM  

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