Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Clutching at straws...

(listening to: Bruce Springsteen - Mary, Queen of Arkansas)

The next part of the story is the hardest part I've had to write so far, and truthfully, I don't really have any idea how to go about it. I mean, nobody died and the earth didn't blow up, but it was like a decade's worth of feelings all compressed into about six months time, and it was the most emotional part of my life up to that point, and because of that, my memory of the period is like some expressionist's canvas splattered with paint; parts of it are vivid and vibrant, while most of it is in little pieces, all scattered and fragmented. Probably a lot like this post will be...

In thinking back on it over the last few days, I realize that I don't remember a single thing from back then that doesn't have to do with Kara...it's like either that was the only thing happening in my life, or it just ended up having such an impact on me that it pushed all other memories out. Sad. Even so, I can't get a clear picture or timeline of it all, it was all just so...heavy. That's the only word I can think of.

In fact, I've been sitting here for over an hour now, staring at the keyboard, and I don't know what the hell to type or where to start. I'm not sure I'm up to it today...I know I have to push through this stuff if I ever want to learn anything, but I just keep thinking about how much I let the relatively little amount of time I spent with Kara affect so much of my life afterwards, and I just don't even know how to put it into words. I know it's not often that I'm at a loss, but here I am, and it's been about an hour & a half now....I guess I knew I had to get to the hard stuff at some point.

I dunno...this is just not happening right now. I'll try again later...or maybe I'll just get really drunk & audio blog it. Maybe I'll grow a set of balls & some self-respect & actually come to terms with my past one day, too...that'd be nice...

11 Comments:

Blogger car recalled...

get a job and quit smoking so much LSD and get over being a filthy hippy and worring about some girl in your past!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 2:00:00 PM  
Blogger MandyGirl recalled...

Um, ok, so who am I kidding? I really am pulling for ya! ;)

Good luck with the next part of the story...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 2:09:00 PM  
Blogger Janet recalled...

It's like the song says... Love stinks, yea, yea. You have too many years ahead of you to be whining, sorry! I am 47 and have never been loved the way you claim to have loved her. I'm not ugly, not dumb, quite nice really, but...
Love sucks, life goes on and so does the hurt, which will fade with time.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 2:10:00 PM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

shutup up "car". Sometimes getting drunk loosens up all the trying-to-get-the-words-down-perfectly. i hope that writing this all down helps you find what you are looking for, good luck!!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 2:10:00 PM  
Blogger Tara recalled...

Don't be too hard on yourself. The most important and significant people & experiences in your life (IMHO) are always the hardest to examine & express rationally.

Grow a set of balls one day? I guess from a macho perspective it might not count for much, but in my book what you are doing here is ballsy as anything I've ever seen. It takes courage to look at yourself this way and try to learn from your experiences.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 2:16:00 PM  
Blogger Molly recalled...

Damn....I was really excited to see a post in the middle of the day. Unfortunatley it just left me with more questions.

Hey, its almost 3 where I am at and the closest bar is opening soon.........I plan on having a couple of beers and I would love a good depressing story when I come home to make me feel better about my own fucked up exsistence.

Have a drink and get to writing......

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 2:47:00 PM  
Blogger The Worker recalled...

It looks like this is going to be something that you must force yourself to do. It will hurt but you have to do it. If drinking won't impair your writing then go for it... whatever works!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 3:00:00 PM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

you don't seem like a filthy hippy to me.

take care.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 4:03:00 PM  
Blogger Damaged Goods recalled...

Ok, first of all you're doing a great job so far (as far as I can tell, I mean I wasn't there after all...) Maybe you will need to settle down, shake off your newly found stage fright and just rip through it. Secondly, I just HAD to read a little from "Car" to see what he was all about.. must be sad to be from his generation living in today's times. I begrudge him nothing, but... wow, I guess he still thinks he's going to put me out in the pasture plowing or picking or something.. so sad... Anyhow, good luck with the thoughts and the retelling of your story...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 10:22:00 PM  
Blogger Ana recalled...

Deep Breath 1, 2, 3 in out in out the hardest part is over you've lived thru it the memories cant hurt u more then the reality already did so take a deep breath and let your fingers do the typing the words will come on their own. I'm proud of you for how far youv come be strong fot just a lil longer.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 3:24:00 AM  
Blogger Miladysa recalled...

I have just discovered you! Only had time to read this post and I found it really interesting. I shall have to play catch up :)

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 6:37:00 AM  

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