Misplaced Childhood...
(first off, new rule: 100 points to the first person to name the song that the title of my post comes from every day, 'cus it's always from something. No, the points aren't good for anything, just be glad you have them, some kids don't get any...)
I've gotten several e-mails recently, asking me essentially the same questions about my life, so instead of replying to them all, I figure I'll just talk about it here; this is from part of an exchange on the comments section the other day (originally by Liz) that sums up nicely a lot of the questions I've been asked lately, so I thought I'd just elaborate on it; I hope this clears some things up....
I am curious, do you think your mother's remarriages and your absentee biological father has had any impact with how you handle your relationships?
Huge impact...at least where my mom & her history are concerned. I didn't realize how much 'til years later, but yes, and in very specific ways.
My mom married her high-school sweetheart, and about a year later, while in Las Vegas for a hairdressers convention, she met my dad, who was kind of a flashy character & swept her off her feet. So, she divorced her first husband, married my dad, and they had me. They moved back to the city I grew up in, and my dad bought a couple of nightclubs in a historic yet seedy section of downtown. Somehow or another, her got mixed up with the wrong people and one night the place got firebombed. Long story short, he ended up owing a lot of protection money to some serious people that he couldn't afford to pay, so he skipped town, leaving me & my mom to live with my grandparents, which is where I grew up.
I don't think my dad being absent had a huge effect on me, simply because by virtue of not having a father around, I didn't know what to miss, so it never really bothered me. I always had my grandpa & my uncles around as influences, and although I could have used a good ass-kicking sometimes, I'm not sure my dad being gone made a big difference. Then again, who knows.
My mom dated a lot when I was younger, and I was always jealous of whoever she was seeing at the time, because I felt they were taking time away from me & my mom. My mom did go out often, but she also worked 9-5 my whole life to keep me in decent schools, so when I was younger, it seemed like she was never around. I didn't understand that she was doing the job of 2 parents & that meant she couldn't be around all the time; I was just young & wanted my momma. She probably didn't even go out that much, but I remember I never wanted her to leave once she came home, and some of my most vivid memories of childhood are of me sitting up on my knees, looking out the window at the front yard of my grandmas house, waiting for my mom's car to drive down the street. I would sit there waiting & tell myself that, if the next car wasn't hers, then I'd go and play or go to bed, and then when the next car came, I'd tell myself that if it wasn't one of the next five cars, then I'd go and play or go to bed...
My mom married my younger brother's dad when I was about 8, and I was the classic bratty stepchild; I did everything I could to sabotage every relationship my mom had,and I probably drove some nice guys away, but I was a jealous little monster. Their marraige didn't last long ('cus he was an asshole, not me), and my mom didn't marry again until I was 13. By then, I was ok with it, but before then, the whole time I was growing up, I felt like I was competing for my moms attention with some guy, and I'm sure that's had more than a little to do with my state of mind...
My mom is divorced again today; she married once more when I was 21, but it didn't last either. She actively discourages me against getting married, and really she always has; the poor thing has lost all faith in the concept.
In fact, everyone in my family, all the way back to my great-grandparents, has been divorced at least once. the only couple in my family that has been together since day one is my uncle and his...."life-partner", that he's lived with since college, so make of that what you will.
My dad married again a couple of times & had other kids in the meantime, but I didn't grow up with them. I only spoke to my dad once that I was old enough to remember, and that was on my 18th birthday. He died when I was 21 of a heroin overdose; apparently he had been an addict for years. I only found out about it by stumbling upon the obituary in the paper. Only bad thing I can really say about the guy is that the bastard died with a full, beautiful head of hair, and that just ain't fair...
All that having been said, I don't blame my family or my mom for the way I am or begrudge them one bit for anything they did. My mom might not have won any parenting awards, but she did the best she knew how, and she always loved & supported me as much as I could ever hope for. Some of the issues I have with women might come directly from my relationship with her, but they're my problems to deal with. By the same token, according to many who knew him, I am my fathers' son in a lot of ways, but that's not his fault, either...
The whole history with my mom really came into play years later when I dated Veronica, who, it turned out, was very much like my mother, and was in a very similar situation. I ended up on the other side of the fence that I'd been on growing up....suddenly I was the man who I used to be jealous of as a kid, and boy did that one screw me up royally....boy howdy.
So, the short answer is: yes, I'm sure that my family is part of the reason I'm here talking with you lovely people today....
Also, do you know where Kara and your other "important" exes are now? Like if they are married or what not? I suppose if you do you will divulge this later, but I had to ask:)
Yes, I know where 90% of them are now...even if I wish I didn't. I don't mean that; I love 'em all. Sorta.
And, since she doesn't really figure into the main story again for many years, if at all, I suppose this is as good a time as any to say that Gloria died last year, and I hope she's at peace, wherever she is. She developed stomach cancer & was dead within a month of her diagnosis. I had not seen or spoken to her in 12 years; since the last time I described, but when I heard, I asked our mutual friend Pete to ask if I could see her, just to clear the air & say goodbye...but she refused...adamantly. That girl went to her deathbed hating me for something I had done over a decade ago....that's some serious guilt for your ass....and another reason I'm here with you lovely people today....
Anyway, I hope that all that maybe puts some things in perspective. Feel free with the questions...I'll try not to post 'spoilers' on the blog, but if anyone has a question & they don't mind being spoiled, e-mail me & I'll probably answer it...it's not like this is a damn mystery novel or something...
I've gotten several e-mails recently, asking me essentially the same questions about my life, so instead of replying to them all, I figure I'll just talk about it here; this is from part of an exchange on the comments section the other day (originally by Liz) that sums up nicely a lot of the questions I've been asked lately, so I thought I'd just elaborate on it; I hope this clears some things up....
I am curious, do you think your mother's remarriages and your absentee biological father has had any impact with how you handle your relationships?
Huge impact...at least where my mom & her history are concerned. I didn't realize how much 'til years later, but yes, and in very specific ways.
My mom married her high-school sweetheart, and about a year later, while in Las Vegas for a hairdressers convention, she met my dad, who was kind of a flashy character & swept her off her feet. So, she divorced her first husband, married my dad, and they had me. They moved back to the city I grew up in, and my dad bought a couple of nightclubs in a historic yet seedy section of downtown. Somehow or another, her got mixed up with the wrong people and one night the place got firebombed. Long story short, he ended up owing a lot of protection money to some serious people that he couldn't afford to pay, so he skipped town, leaving me & my mom to live with my grandparents, which is where I grew up.
I don't think my dad being absent had a huge effect on me, simply because by virtue of not having a father around, I didn't know what to miss, so it never really bothered me. I always had my grandpa & my uncles around as influences, and although I could have used a good ass-kicking sometimes, I'm not sure my dad being gone made a big difference. Then again, who knows.
My mom dated a lot when I was younger, and I was always jealous of whoever she was seeing at the time, because I felt they were taking time away from me & my mom. My mom did go out often, but she also worked 9-5 my whole life to keep me in decent schools, so when I was younger, it seemed like she was never around. I didn't understand that she was doing the job of 2 parents & that meant she couldn't be around all the time; I was just young & wanted my momma. She probably didn't even go out that much, but I remember I never wanted her to leave once she came home, and some of my most vivid memories of childhood are of me sitting up on my knees, looking out the window at the front yard of my grandmas house, waiting for my mom's car to drive down the street. I would sit there waiting & tell myself that, if the next car wasn't hers, then I'd go and play or go to bed, and then when the next car came, I'd tell myself that if it wasn't one of the next five cars, then I'd go and play or go to bed...
My mom married my younger brother's dad when I was about 8, and I was the classic bratty stepchild; I did everything I could to sabotage every relationship my mom had,and I probably drove some nice guys away, but I was a jealous little monster. Their marraige didn't last long ('cus he was an asshole, not me), and my mom didn't marry again until I was 13. By then, I was ok with it, but before then, the whole time I was growing up, I felt like I was competing for my moms attention with some guy, and I'm sure that's had more than a little to do with my state of mind...
My mom is divorced again today; she married once more when I was 21, but it didn't last either. She actively discourages me against getting married, and really she always has; the poor thing has lost all faith in the concept.
In fact, everyone in my family, all the way back to my great-grandparents, has been divorced at least once. the only couple in my family that has been together since day one is my uncle and his...."life-partner", that he's lived with since college, so make of that what you will.
My dad married again a couple of times & had other kids in the meantime, but I didn't grow up with them. I only spoke to my dad once that I was old enough to remember, and that was on my 18th birthday. He died when I was 21 of a heroin overdose; apparently he had been an addict for years. I only found out about it by stumbling upon the obituary in the paper. Only bad thing I can really say about the guy is that the bastard died with a full, beautiful head of hair, and that just ain't fair...
All that having been said, I don't blame my family or my mom for the way I am or begrudge them one bit for anything they did. My mom might not have won any parenting awards, but she did the best she knew how, and she always loved & supported me as much as I could ever hope for. Some of the issues I have with women might come directly from my relationship with her, but they're my problems to deal with. By the same token, according to many who knew him, I am my fathers' son in a lot of ways, but that's not his fault, either...
The whole history with my mom really came into play years later when I dated Veronica, who, it turned out, was very much like my mother, and was in a very similar situation. I ended up on the other side of the fence that I'd been on growing up....suddenly I was the man who I used to be jealous of as a kid, and boy did that one screw me up royally....boy howdy.
So, the short answer is: yes, I'm sure that my family is part of the reason I'm here talking with you lovely people today....
Also, do you know where Kara and your other "important" exes are now? Like if they are married or what not? I suppose if you do you will divulge this later, but I had to ask:)
Yes, I know where 90% of them are now...even if I wish I didn't. I don't mean that; I love 'em all. Sorta.
And, since she doesn't really figure into the main story again for many years, if at all, I suppose this is as good a time as any to say that Gloria died last year, and I hope she's at peace, wherever she is. She developed stomach cancer & was dead within a month of her diagnosis. I had not seen or spoken to her in 12 years; since the last time I described, but when I heard, I asked our mutual friend Pete to ask if I could see her, just to clear the air & say goodbye...but she refused...adamantly. That girl went to her deathbed hating me for something I had done over a decade ago....that's some serious guilt for your ass....and another reason I'm here with you lovely people today....
Anyway, I hope that all that maybe puts some things in perspective. Feel free with the questions...I'll try not to post 'spoilers' on the blog, but if anyone has a question & they don't mind being spoiled, e-mail me & I'll probably answer it...it's not like this is a damn mystery novel or something...
9 Comments:
oh wow.... that's rough about Gloria. but maybe if she could see how honest and open you were being about the relationship the two of you had on here she'd forgive you. i think things like that don't matter after death anyway.
Hmm.. I remember you mentioning Marillion on another post. But Misplaced Childhood is an album from them, not a song, so I'm not sure if you're referring to it. If not, then I don't know what :)
Guilty as charged...I deny nothing; that's kinda the point. Her side of the story would probably be a lot like I've written it, only with a lot more cursing...
That having been said, the question about the legitimacy of Gloria's pregnancy died with her, but I have more reasons than ever nowadays to doubt it...
Nevertheless, you're right; I am an idiot.
I think Chick is wrong in assuming that we all feel sorry for your ass. I don't feel sorry for you. I read your story merely because I am interested in the epic saga and seeing what you have learned from your relationships.
I wouldn't feel bad about Gloria hating you. She may have simply not wanted to see you because she was SICK. She may have had nothing to say to you, she may have not been looking so hot. Quite honestly, she probably did not think highly of you and didn't want to make the effort when she had such little time left ya know?
You live in learn. If you believe in karma and that it is biting you in the ass, then simply make the adjustments in your life to turn things around. :)
Liz
I think Chick is wrong in assuming that we all feel sorry for your ass. I don't feel sorry for you.
I hope not, 'cus you shouldn't...and trust me, stick around & you'll feel even less sorry for me later....
When I get bogged down with my past, sometimes wanting to blame my earlier life for my mistakes today, I remind myself: For what I am today, shame on other. For what I become tomorrow, shame on me.
Nice blog man..
I linked to you..
I'm back (we had a hurricane and all kinds of good stuff, so I had some catching up to do here) and I have to say I don't really feel sorry for you either. ;) Intrigued by the story, yes, but I've had some goings-on with some pretty foolish men as of late--so don't take it personally. I'm about done with men in general.
Not you, however.
Must.
Keep.
Reading...
I'm really sorry about Gloria.
I agree with Mint Tulip and Liz though, if I knew I was dying the last thing I'd want to do is see people from my past (no matter if I loved them or otherwise). Sometimes the best place for the past, is in the past. I'd guess I'd be reserving what time I had left for myself, easing my own woes. I'm sure at that point you'd really learn the true meaning of priorities.
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