Don't ask me no questions...
I guess I knew it was coming, but I remember that I sure wasn't expecting it that day. I was sitting on my bed one day before noon, playing Spider-Man on Sega Genesis when the phone rang. I picked it up, got no reply to my 'hello', and I knew it was Kara. I was about to open my mouth to ask her if she wanted to go get some lunch when she said, in a calm, clipped voice "I TALKED to Heidi...".
Fine. Here we go. I remember I shut my eyes tight & just braced myself for it, but right before I did, I swear I saw a little guy that looked like John Lovitz on my shoulder that said "You shoulda just told 'er!". Duh. Still...don't panic yet; she & Heidi have been fighting...she might be talking about something else entirely; don't blow your cover just yet...
"Oh, really? You talked about what?"
"You KNOW about what!"
Alright, so she knows; there's no escape now...all I can do is damage control from here on out. What do I do? I can't deny it again...I could throw myself on the mercy of the court. Hell, I've never tried it before...maybe it'll work. After all, she must understand the frame of mind I was in at the time I was with Heidi; she knows what she was doing in the other room, after all. Of course, she never lied to me about that...but nevertheless, surely I at least had mitigating circumstances, right? Right? But then again, this is Kara we're dealing with...
And she was pissed. Not screaming at me, throwing keys at my head pissed, but that quiet, cool, really scary kinda pissed that only women who feel they have been wronged can get...and it's not like she wasn't intimidating enough already. I told her I was sorry & that it only happened because I was crushed & lonely over her & Joe's antics, but just as I feared, that wasn't what she was really mad about...she did understand why I had been with Heidi, but she was mad that I had lied about it...and rightly so.
She asked me why I hadn't just come clean & I told her that I just didn't want her to know; I didn't want her to think that I was the kind of guy to just run off & jump into bed with her best friend, even if she was in bed with mine (and even though I obviously was that kinda guy), and she reminded me how she could have lied to me about being with Joe, also, but she didn't...and again, she was right. I had no excuse, and she knew it. And she wasn't pissed at me enough to want to break up with me, or to even go on yelling at me...I think she was just dissapointed more than anything else...and that really hurt me to the bone, to think I had somehow made the one person in the world whose opinion of me I actually give a shit about think less of me.
And she said something else; that I had tried to keep the Heidi incident quiet so she would look like the heartless one for fooling around with my friend, and I could stay squeaky clean. Honest to god, I had never conciously thought of it that way before, but as soon as she said it, I knew that was part of it...and now, almost 13 years later, I'm positive that was part of it. She always claimed that I tried to make her look like the bad guy in every situation, and she was probably right. I didn't mean to; I mean, I certainly didn't think of her that way...I was crazy about her. But, she did have a tendency to hurt my feelings a lot, and when she did, I guess I played the victim card more than...well, more than she wanted me to, anyway (although I'll be damned if, in some cases, I wasn't really a victim...Stevie Wonder could have seen that I was. Still, I guess Ishould have just taken it like a man, whatever that means), and I probably did complain to our mutual friends about the things she did...but Christ almighty, what was I supposed to do, just suck it all up with a smile on my face every time she got a whim to go jump on top of somebody I knew? Anyway, I'm getting on a tangent...
After I groveled for another minute, she said she had to go & hung up the phone, and I just sat there & kicked myself for being such an idiot in the first place; I knew from the beginning that I should have just told her, and now I knew that she would not trust me the same way again for a very long time, if ever. When I look back on our relationship now, if there's one thing I could have done differently that might have changed how things worked out, that was it. For all the things Kara ever did or said to me, as far as I know, she never lied to me, and I'll always remember that. I have no idea what she remembers about me today, but I know for sure it isn't that...
It wasn't over just yet, though; I wasn't gonna get off that easy...
Fine. Here we go. I remember I shut my eyes tight & just braced myself for it, but right before I did, I swear I saw a little guy that looked like John Lovitz on my shoulder that said "You shoulda just told 'er!". Duh. Still...don't panic yet; she & Heidi have been fighting...she might be talking about something else entirely; don't blow your cover just yet...
"Oh, really? You talked about what?"
"You KNOW about what!"
Alright, so she knows; there's no escape now...all I can do is damage control from here on out. What do I do? I can't deny it again...I could throw myself on the mercy of the court. Hell, I've never tried it before...maybe it'll work. After all, she must understand the frame of mind I was in at the time I was with Heidi; she knows what she was doing in the other room, after all. Of course, she never lied to me about that...but nevertheless, surely I at least had mitigating circumstances, right? Right? But then again, this is Kara we're dealing with...
And she was pissed. Not screaming at me, throwing keys at my head pissed, but that quiet, cool, really scary kinda pissed that only women who feel they have been wronged can get...and it's not like she wasn't intimidating enough already. I told her I was sorry & that it only happened because I was crushed & lonely over her & Joe's antics, but just as I feared, that wasn't what she was really mad about...she did understand why I had been with Heidi, but she was mad that I had lied about it...and rightly so.
She asked me why I hadn't just come clean & I told her that I just didn't want her to know; I didn't want her to think that I was the kind of guy to just run off & jump into bed with her best friend, even if she was in bed with mine (and even though I obviously was that kinda guy), and she reminded me how she could have lied to me about being with Joe, also, but she didn't...and again, she was right. I had no excuse, and she knew it. And she wasn't pissed at me enough to want to break up with me, or to even go on yelling at me...I think she was just dissapointed more than anything else...and that really hurt me to the bone, to think I had somehow made the one person in the world whose opinion of me I actually give a shit about think less of me.
And she said something else; that I had tried to keep the Heidi incident quiet so she would look like the heartless one for fooling around with my friend, and I could stay squeaky clean. Honest to god, I had never conciously thought of it that way before, but as soon as she said it, I knew that was part of it...and now, almost 13 years later, I'm positive that was part of it. She always claimed that I tried to make her look like the bad guy in every situation, and she was probably right. I didn't mean to; I mean, I certainly didn't think of her that way...I was crazy about her. But, she did have a tendency to hurt my feelings a lot, and when she did, I guess I played the victim card more than...well, more than she wanted me to, anyway (although I'll be damned if, in some cases, I wasn't really a victim...Stevie Wonder could have seen that I was. Still, I guess Ishould have just taken it like a man, whatever that means), and I probably did complain to our mutual friends about the things she did...but Christ almighty, what was I supposed to do, just suck it all up with a smile on my face every time she got a whim to go jump on top of somebody I knew? Anyway, I'm getting on a tangent...
After I groveled for another minute, she said she had to go & hung up the phone, and I just sat there & kicked myself for being such an idiot in the first place; I knew from the beginning that I should have just told her, and now I knew that she would not trust me the same way again for a very long time, if ever. When I look back on our relationship now, if there's one thing I could have done differently that might have changed how things worked out, that was it. For all the things Kara ever did or said to me, as far as I know, she never lied to me, and I'll always remember that. I have no idea what she remembers about me today, but I know for sure it isn't that...
It wasn't over just yet, though; I wasn't gonna get off that easy...
3 Comments:
Holy shit dude, sounds like you have been through the ringer. My blog is sorta a girl version of yours although luckily I don't have quite the drama as you have. Which in fact may make it boring. Thank god i am straight and only have to deal with boys. Keep up the good stuff.
damn that girl sounds like me in this post! my excuse is always, "at least i'm honest...." (but deep down i know that still doesn't let me off the hook, although that's how i try to justify things.) i apologize on her behalf! :-)
Um, when she was sneaking into Joe's room wasn't that a lie of omission? I don't remember her walking in and making her presence known.
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