Monday, October 17, 2005

Cut loose like a Deuce...

There's no big cliffhanger, there was no big mystery; she was just gone. It was like it had never happened. I waited for a day or two until I realized the truth; she wasn't going to call & explain anything to me. So, I called her, and when her roommate answered the phone & I asked if Roxanne was there, I heard the hesitation in her voice...and she must have knew it heard it, too, because she fumbled for a second before telling me to hold on.

Roxanne got on the phone and I could hear it in her voice right away...I knew her too well. She didn't have to say anything, it was obvious what had happened; she had second thoughts...she had realized the gravity of the kind of things we had been talking about during our whirlwind weekend, and it had scared the hell out of her. She was only 18 years old after all, and barely that...and neither one of us had planned any of this; we were still just a couple of kids who let years up pent-up tension & emotions overwhelm any kind of reason or caution in one, breathless moment. Only difference was, I was willing to run with it...she was too scared to do anything but run away.

She didn't tell me any of this...not until years later, anyway...but I knew it all the same, and I could tell she knew that I knew it, as well. In fact, all she said she was that she couldn't talk right then; she had to go to class. I didn't even bother to ask her anything, I just said okay. She only said one other thing, and the way she said it spoke everything that she couldn't: she said "Sorry"....and I knew she meant it.

And that was that. As fast as it had happened, it was over, and I wouldn't speak to Roxanne again for over a year.

I didn't blame her for being scared; hell, I was scared, but back then, before all the baggage, I hadn't really been in her position yet in that situation...years later I would understand her fear a lot more intimately, but back then, I wasn't as mad as I was just...surprised that she would just....dissappear without ever talking to me about it. I knew even then it must have been difficult for her to do, and I never thought for one minute that she intended to hurt my feelings, but I was angry at her for a while. After all those years, I felt like she had dangled a carrot in front of me and then snatched it away at the last second, and I felt like Charlie Brown eternally trying to kick that football that Lucy keeps pulling out from under him.

But, when it was all said and done, I really didn't let it affect me all that much; mostly just because I just didn't have enough heart left to break at the time after what had happened with Kara, but there were other reasons that I was able to deal with it in a way that I wish I could deal with things now. One reason is that it all just happened so damn fast; sure, I had loved her for years, but I had only had 48 hours to get used to actually being with her, so I know that helped.

It also helped that I was just used to Roxanne....overlooking me, I guess is the word. I hesitate to say that she actually ever took me for granted, but she had known of my feelings for her since I was 17 years old, and back then, granted - I was almost four years older than she was, but so were some other people we knew, and she managed to have a crush on just about every single one of them at some point...except for me. I was always just her older brother's sweet friend, whom she could talk about all the other boys with...'cus I was so enamoured of her that I'd listen to her talk about anything. I'm not saying that we weren't real friends, because we were, but she was never willing, back then, to ever try and see me as anything past that. So, consequently, I wasn't all that surprised when she cut & ran...I figured it was only temporary insanity on her part, anyway....or maybe she had just realized that, now that she finally had been with me, she really didn't feel that way about me after all.

Either way, I was hurt, but I had just recently acquired a fresh load of baggage & I had plenty of room for more, so I just piled it on in & went on about my business. I knew I couldn't stay mad at Roxanne for long, and I knew that the more I thought about it, the more I would....well, the more I would think about it, so I just didn't. I acted like it never happened, and I vowed not to let it get in the way of the state of mind I'd tried to cultivate since Kara had left. I honestly didn't know at that point if I would ever see Roxanne again.

I still loved her, though...I'm not too bright like that.

10 Comments:

Blogger MandyGirl recalled...

Dude, that sucks. I've been in Roxanne's position and your position and it just sucks.

Monday, October 17, 2005 7:57:00 AM  
Blogger Mint Tulip recalled...

Piling baggage on top of baggage...never a good idea. It's sad that you didn't talk to her again for a year...I wouldn't think that would be what she (or you) would have wanted after having such a strong friendship.

Monday, October 17, 2005 8:04:00 AM  
Blogger Pro-Divorce recalled...

X, we're getting all the heartbreak stories with pretty good detail. Hopefully there are some stories with happier endings than what you've been giving us.

In my totally uneducated opinion, I'd say you're not much different than a lot of other guys, but you seem to let it affect you more than most. Possibly it's part of a self-esteem problem.

So far, I'm not seeing anything that you've done to indicate this is all your fault. You've mentioned that you know you're screwing up as you are in the process of doing it, but that you just can't stop. I can honestly say, I don't see that as being the problem.

I know you have another decade or so to tell us about, but it seems to me it's not you, but the women you've been finding. It's not everyday that you find a guy who has had three girlfriends dick him for his friend in a 5-year time period like you. At this juncture, I'm suggesting the problem is the women, not you.

Monday, October 17, 2005 3:14:00 PM  
Blogger chick recalled...

I think I have an idea.
None of these girls found you challenging. Roxanne came back cuz' u were gone for a yr and it somehow made her feel like u would be a challenge specially since u were with kara. but u gave in so quickly - she left. I only say this after what u wrote about her crusing on everyone except u.

I feel kara saw the same, she liked u more when u were leaving or left for colorado(?), u came back - she didnt want to commit and in a sense she kinda used u till she found some other guy she found intriguing.

maybe what u need to do is be a DICK, an asshole and watch them all want u. (this can almost be a lyric lol)

I think it's true, there are so many women stay with asshoels then with good guys, when they have a good guy, they think about assholes or they cheat on the good guy who gives them everything. It's always something she will find to complain about.


*I dont mean all women do this.

Monday, October 17, 2005 3:35:00 PM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

ugh, you keep getting up and then getting stepped on. this is PAINFUL for me, i can't imagine how bad this was for you.

but as you keep saying, not to feel sorry for you, i'm having a hard time not doing that right now!

Monday, October 17, 2005 3:36:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

1. Don't feel sorry for me.

2. Pro-D: Back then, I might could attribute a lot of it to bad choices in girls...but that was back then. Later on, trust me...it's my fault. Thanks, tho...

3. Chick: With Kara & Roxanne, back at the beginning, I think you're probably right to a gret extent; Kara even used to say as much. I was just too easy for her. I think Roxanne just.....hell I still don't know. I wish I did...

Monday, October 17, 2005 7:11:00 PM  
Blogger Jhena recalled...

not so new for me. I had such plans, too before when my fiance and I was still on our early months of dating. I was so scared I would just lose the happiness one day. Good thing I was more afraid to lose him right away without giving things a chance. So I never ran away. And I'm glad I didn't. It's really funny (or should I say ironic)how most beautiful things scare the hell out of us sometimes.

Can't wait to read your next entry, X!

Monday, October 17, 2005 9:11:00 PM  
Blogger mad recalled...

I really thought she would have been better then that especially since you were freiends first and she would have gotten to know how hurt you had gotten over other GFs. Oh well....:(

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 4:00:00 PM  
Blogger Frankie recalled...

Love has nothing to do with smarts...

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 7:46:00 PM  
Blogger Jenifer D. recalled...

Dude, just move on with your life. You're too young to be stressing on one person! Go out and enjoy your life; 'Tis the season to put burning bags of dog doody on people's doorsteps!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 1:38:00 AM  

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