Friday, October 14, 2005

Interlude: Some new-mown chaperone, standin' in the corner all alone...

So tonight, I went out to meet some of my filmmaking friends for our monthly horror-club get-together; on the 13th of every month, we all get together & go see a new horror film at the theater or watch some classics on DVD while cooking dinner at someone's house; usually something really low-key. Tonight, since it was near Halloween, we all decided to go to a local haunted house. It was a pretty shoddy, low-rent affair, but we all had a good time & laughed about it afterwards.

Usually, the night ends pretty early, as the married members take off back to their respective matrimonial prisons, but tonight it ended up being a bunch of us single folks, and long story short, one of the girls talked us into going to a local dance club a few blocks away.

Now, if there is one thing I hate more than broccoli, rap & child molesters, it's dance clubs. Sure, when I was a teenager, I tried to get in & see what all the fuss was about, but once I did, I realized that it was totally not my scene. Nevertheless, I've been dragged to them countless times over the years by dates or by my idiot friends, and it's always the same; that same oppressive, thumping bass music (and I use that term extremely loosely, since I've yet to hear a discernible musical instrument actually employed in any song I've ever heard in a dance club) that never strays from the most monotonous, mind-numbing 4-4 time signature, the same strobing-faux-neon decor like I've stepped into some community theater production of Blade Runner, and the same 50 girls presenting like mandrills on the dance floor while the same 150 guys with their collars up stand around the perimeter with beers in their hands, waiting & hoping for the next, nearest girl with no self-esteem to get drunk enough to stumble into his arms so he can slip her a roofie & do things that would make baby Jesus cry.

All that having been said, I do realize that there is a certain, legitimate, primal social attraction to these places, and I have had more than a few good times in such establishments, even if I tried my hardest not to. My friends always rib me about it afterwards, and I usually end up admitting that, while I'll never understand why that kind of music would ever drive anyone to do anything but turn it off, it is fun harmlessly dancing & flirting with pretty girls on occasion, regardless of whatever else is going on in your life (or not so harmlessly, also depending). And I used to be able to do that...I used to be able to go to those places once in a blue moon and just hang out and talk, dance, mingle, have a good time and let it lead where it you're supposed to. Then again, I used to be able to do a lot of things that I can't do so easy nowadays....

We were sitting there in the bar section of the club at first, and then all of a sudden some song comes on, and all the waitresses hop up onto the bar & do the whole Coyote Ugly bit, which I hear is popular nowadays. And let me tell you; if you want to find girls to dance on your bar, you're not gonna find too many better candidates...these girls were all ridiculously hot. All the guys with us were standing there with mouths agape, enjoying the show...and I just couldn't really even be bothered to watch. It's not like I'm too cool for school, or that I don't like to look at hot women dancing on's just that that part of me just doesn't seem quite right anymore.

A little while later, two very attractive twenty-something girls came in, sat down & ordered drinks alone, and my friend Jerry...who's radar still works, unlike mine....noticed them looking in our direction, so he went over to talk to them, leaving me at the bar with my buddy Freddy. Freddy is a nice guy, but he's not the most....well-groomed or in-shape person in the world, and he looked over at me & said "You should go over there, man!" And maybe he's right....I might should have; they were certainly very pretty, and if they hadn't already been freaked out by Jerry then that said a lot for them probably being pretty cool, as well. But, I just didn't....what's the word? I just couldn't be bothered. It's not that I was nervous, or feel like I've lost my touch when talking to women; the charm machine still works fine when I turn it's the motivation machine that seems to be on the fritz.

I look at a girl, and my brain registers that she's attractive, and that she might feel the same about me, and the rest of my anatomy sometimes notices her, but it's like as soon as those thoughts register in my brain, they're immediately intercepted by thoughts of 'What's the point? What's the point of even looking...or talking...much less kissing, or doing anything else? What are you gonna do, start it up all over again with somebody else that you can constantly compare to people from the past, and end up messing up somebody else's life so you can feel guilty about it & dwell on that for another several years?

So, I tell Freddy "You go ahead man; I'm just not into it tonight."

Freddy doesn't know me anywhere near as well as some of my other friends, but tonight, even he looked at me then & said "Dude, you gotta get over all this...."

And truer words were never spoken.

I spent the rest of the night sitting at a table, drinking a soda, waiting for my friends to be ready & totally ignoring (and probably being rude to, now that I think about it, though that was not at all my intent) another very nice girl who later tried to engage me in conversation. Freddy went home with one of the girls they'd been sitting with. Jerry & I took a cab home. We didn't say anything on the ride home 'til I opened the door in front of my house to get out, when he said to me "You know, everybody screws up, but not everybody feels they have to do penance for it for the rest of their life."

Okay, maybe those words were truer...

And maybe I should just have a button to switch all this stuff off & just get over it....but I'll be damned if I can find it.

Then again, to you guys, I'm skipping way ahead...but I'll just tell you that the things I'm still getting over now aren't a whole lot different from that ones I was getting over back then. They might even be a lot closer than you think....

...and that's really depressing.


Blogger Christopher recalled...

I get comments like that a lot. I've passed up a lot of potentials because I'm afraid they'll end up just like my ex.
You know, it's all roses for a while and then the thorns come out. I'm actually concerned that I'm not allowing anyone in again. I've never know this sort of feeling before so I assume, despite the fact that I'm over her, these left-over hang-ups will dissapear in time.

Friday, October 14, 2005 7:57:00 AM  
Blogger Alison recalled...

Ok, now I'm depressed.

And so far, I haven't seen you do anything so terrible other than being young, impulsive and in situations where far too many women found you attractive. We all screw up when we're young; it's part of the job description.

Unless by saying that, I'm just rationalizing my own screw-ups - in which case now I'm really depressed.

Thank you. :-)

Friday, October 14, 2005 8:09:00 AM  
Blogger Jennifer recalled...

Sweetie....and I mean this in the best way possible....have you thought about seeing a shrink? I mean, not being "interested" in things that used to interest you is a magor sign of depression and they have medication for that. I dunno, maybe jsut talking to a counselor would help you get over the hump?

Friday, October 14, 2005 8:28:00 AM  
Blogger firedancerdancin recalled...

exbf, i think you are so much more normal than you think you are. We all have funks. We all have regrets. We all sometimes think we are to blame for everything...

sometimes it's just more of an issue for some than others(generally the more sensitive ones, i've found).

All that being said, there is no rule that you have to have a girlfriend or be married (except for the made up socital bs that we are fed from the time we are two...)

And I don't think that much of anything is your fault (except the shake incident---that was a total girl move.)

take care and don't overthink things.

Friday, October 14, 2005 8:59:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

You know, maybe your just like us women, give way too much of yourself and end up getting burned. I too have some of the same feelings you do. If it doesnt work out with my kids father, then for sure I will be doing the same u are. In the breakups I do experience with him, I dont want to go there again with anyone. I am like WHY, to end up with a M*F* worse than him. I'll be damned!! Just bc of all the bs we go thru. I think thats normal.
I also think it will take someone pretty darn spcl. to get us out of funk we r in. Well, at least its good to think positive ;) Keep in mind you are worth it and its worth another shot, but you have to be ready. Don't let jerks from the past haunt you and keep you from finding happiness!

Friday, October 14, 2005 9:42:00 AM  
Blogger Moon Watcher recalled...

I don't think you're so abnormal. I'm not a gawker and drooler myself, even before I was with my bf. I spent a significant time single because I just didn't have the desire to be with anyone. Time alone is very very valuable and I pity people who never have that time. You learn more about yourself when you're not half of a couple because you are more yourself at that time. Opportunities would arise and guys would be interested in me and sometimes I'd even "give them a whirl" because I felt like I should.. you know when its time, and you know when its not. And right now it's not the time for you and you are aware of that on some level. You have some healing or learning or something to do and I'm confident that that is in progress. I wouldn't write a prescription up yet (but I believe more in finding the cause of the symptom and not just killing the symptom anyway).

Friday, October 14, 2005 11:01:00 AM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

i know what you mean. not to say i don't feel attracted to people, but i definitely don't get crazy about people lately. i just think i already had something so wonderful so many times before, and it all got screwed up, so what's the point now ? to make even more screwed up relationships? to try my hardest as something that is most likely going to fail? no thanks. i'd rather sit it out. :-(

Friday, October 14, 2005 11:51:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

i've learned that people can say all those true things to you, and it isn't really going to clikc until you start to BELIEVE them. really truly believe those words yourself.

i hope things turn out ok!

Friday, October 14, 2005 1:15:00 PM  
Blogger True recalled...

I also hate clubs and only went to them because of friends who found them interesting. Loved the Blade Runner reference.
These blog entries do tend to get us fixated on their subject matter. I think too much about all the scenerios and possibilities that I might end up missing opportunities.

Friday, October 14, 2005 6:54:00 PM  
Blogger J recalled...

That's a really normal thing, you know. I've seen many people in the comment section saying the same thing. A lot of us compare the new flames to the old flames. Maybe that's the problem. Instead of comparing and wishing we had something or someone else, we should forget we ever HAD anyone else, and take the good we learned from the past into the new relationship. Start fresh and try not to focus on the problems.

What's the point in dwelling when we can't change what happened?

Or maybe I should get out of my little bubble.

Friday, October 14, 2005 8:51:00 PM  
Blogger Mint Tulip recalled...

Well, after going away for a few days I'm finally caught up...and all I can say is different people handle things differently.

When my most serious ex and I broke up I worked longer hours---and usually went in a little buzzed on one thing or another---and didn't say no to much of anyone or anything. (Although if you mentioned the "R" word I was gone...) I also cut my hair up to my chin (took nearly 12 inches off) since he liked it long, and dyed it a nice purply-red color that he absolutely hated.

My roommate at the time just kept going back to her ex. She'd go out one time with a new guy and then jump right back into bed with her ex---even knowing that in between times he was trying to get a good friend of ours in bed AND he had a girlfriend. (Did I mention he also gave her an STD not once, but twice? Yeah, he was a winner...)

The good friend he was trying to seduce had just gotten out of a very troubled relationship and she had sworn off dating altogether. Anyway, sometimes you just have to get things straightened out with yourself before you can start to really see other people again.

Saturday, October 15, 2005 4:42:00 PM  
Blogger Pooh recalled...

Little late to this one, but I just have to echo what Jennifer said. From experience, that that lack of giving a flying fuck is the harbinger. Maybe talking will help (though if this blog isn't better AND cheaper then any shrink, I'll light myself on fire...), or maybe something more.

"You know, everybody screws up, but not everybody feels they have to do penance for it for the rest of their life."

Very wise words. But some of us do, and there has to be a way of getting past it as far as living day-to-day.

BTW: keep it up. even if you don't feel like this is helping you, it's certainly helping me, and I doubt that I'm the only one...

Sunday, October 23, 2005 5:20:00 PM  

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