Thursday, October 6, 2005

Wrong way on a one-way track...

I'm not sure I can explain it now any more than I could all those years ago. It's like I knew the whole time that trying to be with Kara would be like hanging on to a runaway train...there was only one way it could end up. I know I put up with a lot of crap, I forgave (or at least overlooked) a lot of things I shouldn't have, I threw all my self-respect out the window, and I consistently put her above my friends, my livelihood & my own sanity. I let her drive me thousands of miles from my home & let her pull me right back again just when I had settled down. But notice, all those things start with "I"; she never had a gun to my head telling me what to do, and I don't blame her for any of my actions.

And I guess it's wrong to say that I knew all along it would end in tragedy; I certainly thought that at times, but at the same time, the two of us had...something when we were together that, in it's best moments, made it easy to believe that it might actually last forever...or as close to that as people ever get. I can't speak for her nowadays, but all these years later, I can honestly say that, out of all the girls I've ever known & all the relationships I've ever been in, I've still never been able to just talk to anyone as easily or felt as...in synch with anyone as I did with Kara.

I'm not exactly one of those guys who keeps it all bottled up inside; I pretty much wear my feelings on my sleeve, and I've been pretty open with most of the relationships I've been in, but there was a way that the two of us had when we were together...everything just clicked; we could talk about anything at anytime, effortlessly. We never judged the other one or tried to bend each other's opinions to our own will, we never had to find small talk to fill time, we never had trouble telling each other anything, and we were genuinely fascinated by what was going on in the other's head.

She had this way of...looking at life & the world around her that was perpetually like a little kid on Christmas morning; everything fascinated her. We would talk endlessly about people & why they did what they did, about life & love & how the world turns & why the sky is blue & why are we here...and the most amazing things would come out of her mouth; she saw the world with the most raw & unfiltered eyes, and she had this way of just cutting right through the bullshit and being as honest and real as anyone I've ever met. She wasn't a straight-A student, but she was one of the smartest people I've ever met, and i thought she could do anything in the world she wanted to do.

And she might have had her dark side, but she had a great sense of humor, and she loved to laugh, all the time; if you said or did something that made her laugh, she would constantly poke & prod you to "do it again, do it again!" & she would only laugh harder every time. She would play the Punchbug/Slugbug game (for the uninitiated, this involves yelling "Punchbug/Slugbug" & hitting the person next to you in the arm whenever you spot a Volkswagen Bug on the road) constantly, and you could be in the middle of the most intense, heated argument ever with her, but if that Bug drove by, she didn't miss a trick.

And she wasn't the most affectionate person in the world, but she wasn't always as heartless as I might have made her sound; she had a good heart and she could surprise you with the most unexpected random acts of sweetness, that only stood out more for their infrequency. Just when you thought she had forgotten about your birthday or Christmas or something, she would surprise you with something she obviously went to a lot of trouble to do, or pull out the perfect gift that you never expected her to buy. It didn't happen often, but she had her moments.

But, she was also immature in a lot of ways, she was a little too bad for her own good, and she could be mean as a snake when she wanted to be. She was usually worried about Kara's happiness more so than anybody else's, and she was impulsive to a fault. She could turn off her thousand-watt smile at the drop of a dime, and she could say things that cut you so deep you bled. She wasn't above taking advantage of someone's feelings for her own gratification at times (even if I did make it way too easy for her to do so), and she was never, ever satisfied; the grass was always greener somewhere that she wasn't. She was young, she was wild, and she just wasn't ready to stop being either.

We used to fight like cats and dogs half the time we were together, and I was no angel either...I gave as good as I got. Unfortunately, we fought just as easily as we talked. But at the end, sitting in that car with her that April night, listening to her tell me it was all over, I didn't have the energy to yell and scream & be angry; there were too many other emotions I was dealing with, and I was in too much shock, anyway. I didn't walk away mad at her that night...I was hurt, humiliated, and all the other synonyms for heartbroken I could find, but I really don't think I was mad, not like I had been with Joe, at least. After thinking about it for a while, I started to understand just why she might be attracted to Ted: after all, they were both highly neurotic, they were both on Prozac, they both had similar issues at home...they had all their psychosis' in common. In a lot of ways, they were as alike as she & I were.

And I wasn't really mad at Ted, either; certainly nothing at all like I had been with Lee a few years earlier, or even Joe. Ted had never had much luck with girls, and I knew he had always been a little jealous of my life in that regard (after all, he was competing for Andi's attention when we all first met her, just like I was), and I knew he honestly felt bad about betraying me. The day after I saw Kara outside her house, I called Ted to hear his side of the story. When he got on the phone with me, he broke down crying almost immediately (Ted was a little messed up, like I said), and told me how sorry he was; that he had never dreamed this would happen, and he could never imagine doing anything like this to a friend, and he just felt sick with himself...and I believed him. He told me he was going to write me a letter with some things he wanted to say, and he would drop it off later that day. Well, that must have been one hell of a long letter, 'cus he still ain't shown up with it. I didn't expect him to, though; I had known Ted for 10 years, and I knew this must be difficult for him...but at the same time, I knew damn well that, if I was him, I wouldn't be able to do a goddamn thing about it either...I would have fallen right in love with her, just like he did, and been powerless to do anything about it. I never blamed Ted; I was hurt & disappointed by him, but I never blamed him.

And, of course, try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to hate her. I knew she had done me as wrong as wrong could get, and I was tired of being done wrong & I was bound & determined to get over it once & for all...but I still loved her. I wasn't going to do anything about it, and I was gonna do my damnedest to get over it, but I knew that being angry & destructive about it, like I had been with Andi, was not the way to deal with it. I was angry, but I was also broken & beat-down, and I just didn't have the energy to put into hating both of them. In a very rare moment of clarity & insight for me (that has only happened one or 2 times since), I remember thinking that, if she's going to be with someone else, at least she's with someone like Ted; at least I knew Ted was a good person & would probably be true to her. I didn't ever want to see it or hear about it, but I loved her, and I wanted her to be safe, and happy.

As to how I was gonna be...well, I guess that's the start of the next chapter...

20 Comments:

Blogger Christopher recalled...

I stumbled along this blog via a good friend and I'm glad I did. This post sums up my first and most brutal relationship. My ex was very strange. Sweet one moment, sour beyond belief the next. She solved problems with mistakes.
I won't ramble on, I just wanted to say that this post meant a lot to me. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that hurt but I'm glad you feel that you can share. Some things are better out than in.
I hope to be able to be this open about my issues someday. Not sure if I'm brave enough just yet.

Sorry to ramble. Hope you are well,

Chris

Thursday, October 06, 2005 7:15:00 AM  
Blogger ambrus recalled...

god i love that song. I haven't thought of it in years but as soon at the page opened a flood of memories hit me like a tidal wave. You have given me a little hope though .. maybe I don't know how the Kara story ends. I ended a relationship in similar bad form and although i don't regret ending it ... I wish I had handled it better, because no one ever really saw me or connected with me like him .. and I crushed him. We haven't spoken in years and I just assume that he hates me but maybe he is like you and just stayed away for his sanity's sake.

Thursday, October 06, 2005 9:00:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

ugh, she is starting to sound more and more like leza. it's that "i'm still young and i don't HAVE to be comitted and who cares who i hurt as long as i'm happy." there is something so destructive for everyone in that attitude.

love hurts.

Thursday, October 06, 2005 9:56:00 AM  
Blogger Moon Watcher recalled...

Thank you for the frequent updates. I don't know that I could handle a several day wait between them! ;)

Thanks!

Thursday, October 06, 2005 10:07:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

You poor thing!

Thursday, October 06, 2005 11:27:00 AM  
Blogger Keeler recalled...

Y'know, this reminds of something... Oh yeah! High Fidelity. I hope you're as good looking as John Cusack. And as witty as Nick Hornby. Do you make mix tapes, per chance?

Thursday, October 06, 2005 12:50:00 PM  
Blogger Pro-Divorce recalled...

X, I just wanted to make a few comments.

First, I have read your entire blog in the past 2-3 days. I'm absolutely hooked and I can't stop. Now that I'm caught up, I don't know what I'm going to do when I only get one post a day from you.

Second, I would really like to put a link from my site to your site, but wanted your permission to do so. You're writing is really appealing. You are obviously very intelligent and articulate and it comes through in your prose. When/if you stop writing, you are going to have quite a few unhappy followers.

Finally, for the life of me, I cannot figure out this effect that Kara has on someone with your gift of intelligence. I thought it was three strikes and you're out, but I have a feeling that's not the case.

One thing to note is that I'm getting the impression from what you write that you might have been a tad needy and clingy in your younger days. It seems everytime you cared about a female, you spent or wanted to spend all waking moments with them, at the expense of your friends. And, I use the term "friends" very loosely.

Anyway, I love the site and I hope you will allow me to put a link on my site.

Thursday, October 06, 2005 3:33:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Pro-D,
Thanks for the comments; I see you've been there before. Link away, please ;)

Thursday, October 06, 2005 4:51:00 PM  
Blogger Ana recalled...

I know the effect all to well. And when Kara told u about Ted all u felt was numb (i think) from personal expirence. I still dont like her coz it seems her good moments were few and FAR between.

Awaiting next chapter

Thursday, October 06, 2005 6:04:00 PM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

neat-o new profile pic. kinda fits into the whole spooky season. hehe. talk to ya later. :-)

Thursday, October 06, 2005 6:09:00 PM  
Blogger Jenifer D. recalled...

Is this Kara chick on any meds? Sounds like she has a perennial case of PMS or Bi-Polar Syndrome.

Thursday, October 06, 2005 6:57:00 PM  
Blogger PriestysThoughts recalled...

Your blog is good, I have bookmarked it…

Please check out my blog and leave comments on what you think.

http://priestyism.blogspot.com/

Cheers

Thursday, October 06, 2005 7:10:00 PM  
Blogger Tricia recalled...

Ooch! I just found your blog and read your "About the EXGFP" and wanted you to know that the situation you describe...continually screwing up and watching it happen and being unable to stop it? Well, that happend to me too for 5 year. I ended up going to therapy and was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Apparently, that's how PTSD manifests itself, (I had no idea) You start to make decisions that damage yourself and you can't stop. Cheating on the best person you've ever met, taking crazier and crazier risks, that was me, but the therapy really helped. I'm now married for 7 years with two kids. Just wanted you to know that it might not just be you, or your mom or any of these girls....did something very shocking happen to you to start this off? My best friend and roomate died suddenly right before my senior year of college. Very shocking sure, but I had no idea that 5 years later I'd be making HORRIBLE decisions, like watching a train reck in slow motion, because of it. This blog might be great therapy, but I had EMDR therapy which is actually more physical and I know it may sound hokey, but it really saved me. Hope this helps.
-Tricia

Thursday, October 06, 2005 7:32:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

She was on Prozac & she was also pretty much addicted to caffiene pills. She probably took too many laxatives, too...

Thursday, October 06, 2005 8:24:00 PM  
Blogger Aaron recalled...

Hey i think im going to become a regular reader. Like I said before in my previous comment I have ben in that exact same situation. If the names were changed i would have thought i wrote it, the only difference being that she broke up with you face to face, I got the letter. Its funny isnt it try as I might I cant bring myself to hate her. I havnt talked to her in allmost 2 years now, and after all the crap i let her put me through all i can do is blame myself. Well im looking foreward to your next post

Thursday, October 06, 2005 10:51:00 PM  
Blogger Frankie recalled...

Sweetlips,

I will link you when I update again. You never gave me the green light on the link!

You need to IM me sometime...

Thursday, October 06, 2005 11:04:00 PM  
Blogger Jennifer recalled...

I just wanted to say, first of all, I love your blog and I linked it a while back (I hope that's okay - I don't know the "netiquette" on that sort of thing). Second, I think that Kara did the right thing. I know it kinda sucked, but it's better than her being with you wondering about being with someone else. Yeah, sometimes love just sucks.

Friday, October 07, 2005 12:48:00 PM  
Blogger mad recalled...

you make me want to reach out and hug you....wish i could so I'm sending you a cyber hug :)

Saturday, October 08, 2005 4:04:00 PM  
Blogger ~Deb recalled...

Hi,

Stumbled on your blog at 5am, ugh, insomnia I guess... But I couldn't stop reading what you wrote regarding Kara.

I have had a similar situation like yours. The world feels complete when she was in it; when we were out together in a crowded place, it was only her and I---no one else. We clicked too. We were perfect together. We were so bad for one another too.

We broke it off two years ago, and she is back in my life today---but as a friend. We are both in fairly new relationships, and we can't seem to 'get past' one another without saying some hurtful little 'jab' here and there. She even booked her vacation the same time my girlfriend and I are planning to go- to the SAME place. We had to change everything around just to avoid this 'bump into you' sort of thing.

I came to the conclusion that she is just a very selfish woman. When people are selfish, they don't consider your feelings. They always think the grass is greener on the other side. They will lash out with hurtful words--because they can. It's 'their' call, not yours...it'll never be. These types of women prey on sensitive hearts; once again--becuase they 'can', and it feels good to them, to be in constant control.

It's sick.

I hope you get past her. You deserve so much better. So do I.

Wishing you the best!

Sunday, October 09, 2005 4:37:00 AM  
Blogger 7-8 recalled...

I think, what it is with Kara, is that she left you not in spite of your deep connection with her, but because of it. Some people just can't handle intimacy, and are just more comfortable with somebody who can't probe their innermost thoughts.

Because (but well this is a very Chinese way of thinking) what matters most in a relationship is not how much you love each other, nor how intimate you are with each other, but rather how comfortable both of you are with each other in the long run.

And maybe she couldn't handle you because you're too smart for her and know her too well.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 7:48:00 PM  

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