Wednesday, October 5, 2005

All she wrote...

The first day or so, I didn't think much of anything; Kara got in moods sometimes where she wouldn't want to talk to anybody for a day or so...although I was usually the one person she didn't shut out. I tried to think if there was any reason for her to be mad at me, but I hadn't done anything she didn't already know about. So, I called Ted to ask him if maybe I had said something the day before that had upset her that maybe I hadn't noticed or something...with her it was entirely possible, but he wasn't home that night. Still, it wasn't until the next day that I really started to wonder what was going on.

I left messages with her mom that I knew she was getting, but still I heard nothing. I don't think the gears in my mind really started to turn until I called Ted's house again the next night...mainly just because I was bored & hadn't heard back from him either...and he wasn't home
again. Ted hardly ever went out anywhere, and as much as I had trouble even entertaining the idea, it was all starting to look familiar to me; that old familiar sinking in the pit of my stomach started up, and my mind started racing through all kinds of what-ifs.

I mean, surely, after all that's happened, the odds of this exact same scenario happening to me again have got to be astronomical...no way Ted would ever do that to me...and surely there's no way
she would ever do that to me again...this can't happen again...right? No matter how much I tried to rationalize it...no matter how hard it was to picture Kara being attracted to Ted or how hard it was to imagine the friend I used to play Star Wars with when we were kids sneaking around with the girl I loved...the wheels just kept turning faster.

Pretty soon, I was in full-on panic mode; I remember feeling that sick feeling in my heart again & being shocked at how familiar that feeling was to me now. I tried another round of phone calls but still had no luck, so sometime after sundown, I called Heidi & asked her if she knew where Kara was.


Right away, she sighed & told me that she did, but that I might not want to know. The bottom fell out of that pit in my stomach...it was all happening; it wasn't paranoia or a bad dream...it was all happening over again.


"X, She's with Ted. I think they're going to buy her a car today. I'm sorry."

They.
They're going to buy her a car. It hadn't even been 72 hours, and it was they? I asked Heidi what the hell had happened...had she known about all this? She said that she didn't know much, and that Kara should probably be the one to tell me. I told her that Kara hadn't even talked to me, so when was she planning on telling me anything? I don't remember what else Heidi said, because I just broke down & lost it at that point. I guess I must have hung the phone up at some point, 'cus I know I just lied there on the couch & cried for what seemed like hours.

I honestly couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around it; how could this happen to me...
again? I mean, even if she had found herself attracted to one of my friends or vice-versa, shouldn't just common human decency be enough to stop her or him from doing it? I know I'd been a bad guy in the past, but can't karma come up with some new kind of punishment? Can I even handle this again without jumping off a bridge?

As I sat there freaking out, the image of me standing there on a snowy streetcorner in Colorado talking to her on the pay phone kept flashing through my mind, and I felt like my whole life had just been dumped into the toilet.

After a while, I knew I was gonna go crazy if I just sat there, so I got up, made myself a drink, and tried Kara's house again, but she still wasn't home. It was getting too late to call over there, and I knew I couldn't sit there the rest of the night not knowing, so at about 10 o'clock, I got into my car & drove to her house.

When I got there, her car was in the driveway, but her bedroom light was off, so I parked out in front of the house next door, turned off my lights, and waited there, with a million fears crawling through my head at once.
I sat there for about an hour, listening to the radio & looking down her street through the cracked glass of my windshield. Every car that drove by me, my heart jumped further into my throat. Her dad came outside to bring the cat in at one point, and I thought he saw me, but he went right back inside & shut the door.

After a while, a car pulled up on the other side of her yard & I saw her & Ted inside when she opened her door & the light came on. She got out & Ted drove off without spotting me, and right before she got to the door, I flashed my lights & called out to her. I saw the look on her face when she saw me; I had seen that look in her eyes before. She wasn't surprised or caught off-guard...she just kind of lowered her head and stared right at me, almost like she was daring me to say something about it. She came over & reluctantly got into my car.


I guess I've blocked out most of what happened, 'cus I can't really remember what we said. I know I asked her just what was happening, and she said that she didn't know, she had just been having a good time the last few days, and she didn't expect for any of this to happen, but it just kind of did. I asked her just what had happened, and she said that nothing really
had happened yet, but they had just been having a really good time together and they had been getting along really well, and she didn't have any plans & didn't know where it was going to lead...but she knew that it was going to hurt me, and she didn't mean to; she had just kind of been running with her feelings & this is where they had led her. They hadn't been sleeping together...and in fact she hadn't even kissed him...but she knew that something was happening between them.

"So, what about us?", I asked her. What about the past three years & everything that we've been through, and the fact that I've been in love with you since the day I first saw you? And she said to me the only other thing I can remember her exact words from. She said "The heart wants what it wants."

She looked at me, and I knew she was telling me the truth, and I knew that she didn't want to hurt me, and that this was difficult for her...but I was just broken. I couldn't even find any words to say. I just looked back at her & told her I loved her.


She leaned over, kissed me on the cheek, and said "I'm sorry. I hope you don't hate me.". And with that, she got out of the car, went inside & turned off the light. I drove around just crying until the sun started to come up, then I headed home, flopped down on the couch, and fell asleep.


I wouldn't see or hear from Kara again for almost two years...

22 Comments:

Blogger Jessica recalled...

Isn't love wonderful?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 3:10:00 PM  
Blogger belle383 recalled...

what!!? that is CRAZY. i know you loved her, but come on. looking back, you must be mad.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 3:43:00 PM  
Blogger Eric recalled...

I hope you gave her the cold shoulder in two years.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 3:45:00 PM  
Blogger Matt_c recalled...

No-one who really cares about someone else does that sort of thing to them. You were shat on there, mate, and no mistake.
'The heart wants what it wants...' That is bollocks as an excuse. That's a shitty platitude and she owed you more than that as a friend, leave alone a girlfriend. Jesus.

Hurting for you, even though it was obviously years ago (I just found out, y'know?). Fuck.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 4:02:00 PM  
Blogger chick recalled...

whoa.
well...can we now talk about someone else. Kara is a f*ckhead. do u know who she married or if she did?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 4:22:00 PM  
Blogger Alex recalled...

Haha, Kara is a Slutticus! And people like kara are all to common in this world.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 5:10:00 PM  
Blogger MandyGirl recalled...

Incredible.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 5:39:00 PM  
Blogger Ana recalled...

I told you shes a fucken bitch i hate her and i hope at this point in the story u do too or at least realise that u shud
and the heart wants what it wants?? i have said that to u in several of my comments but her heart doesnt want ted fo fucks sakes she only just met him its all bcoz of the Heidi thing and if theres anyone who shud no the true meaning of "the heart wants what it wants" its u

shes a fucken bitch

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 6:05:00 PM  
Blogger Emily recalled...

aren't you upset that you didnt just blow up at her and tell her all the shit you were thinking? If I were upset about anything, in retrospect, it would be the fact that I didnt just scream at her. She just walked all over you and you took it! Didnt defend yourself at all! I'm sorry, I know you were in love with her and everything and screaming probably wouldnt have accomplished anything, in fact, it may have made it worst or made you feel worst, but in that situation, I think I'd want that person to know how much they hurt me. But, you know, maybe I'm just a spiteful, revengful person.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 6:45:00 PM  
Blogger Jhena recalled...

I can't find the right words to describe Kara, coz so far, according to your stories, I can't see anything right about her.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 7:01:00 PM  
Blogger djshawn recalled...

wow. I had this same exact thing happen to me.... 2 years ago.... and I am still single and missing her. Its scary how similair this is.....


Come visit me sometime
http://djhawn.blogspot.com

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 10:28:00 PM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

i can't say i didn't see it coming. this is why guys like her, because they can't have her.

i'm so sorry, i can't say i've been through the exact same thing. but the heart has wanted what it wanted before, and it didn't want me.

it sucks huh.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 10:48:00 PM  
Blogger Aaron recalled...

My friend i feel for you. I to have ben in a somewhat similar predicament, and i know how you feel. All i can say is that there is someone out there for you. Someone that might even need you. I also wanted to thank you for this. I felt like no one else understood. I know thats kind of funny but thats how i felt.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 11:13:00 PM  
Blogger Jenifer D. recalled...

I remember those days when I was in my twenties.....don't want to go back that far again. =;-) Relationships are funny like that and when you look back on them you take note on how much you've grown. Hang in there.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger Z recalled...

I know how you feel -- I'm going through something similar as we speak. My boyfriend of 2 years just broke up with me. His reason? This is something he had to do. He still loves me, but he need to find himself. But he is 80-90% sure we will get back together.

How do you deal with something like that?

The heart wants what it wants?

Unfortunately, it is often that the heart doesn't want the person who truly loves them...

I know this happened a while ago, but let me thank you for sharing your story. It helps knowing that other people have been heart broken...maybe I will okay...

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 11:59:00 PM  
Blogger mad recalled...

As much as it's Kara's fault, I blame Ted even more. What is with the lack of loyalty from your friends. I would never go with any of my friend's boyfriends. Even if they broke up. There is something gross about used goods. We should all try to be better to our friends cause they are the ones that are always there for us :)
If you make new friends in the future ask them where they stand on this issue

Thursday, October 06, 2005 12:06:00 AM  
Blogger Alex recalled...

I agree with you mad, Loyalty of that sort should be somthing that goes without saying, its a terrible blow when it appears you were wrong.

Thursday, October 06, 2005 1:21:00 AM  
Blogger Trixie recalled...

Wild Horses was playing while I was reading this post and it fit perfectly. I agree with the loyalty issue as other commenters have stated. You've spent countless hours forging friendships with these people, and for what?

Lesson #1: Pothead losers who have no sense of integrity make lousy friends/gfs.

Thursday, October 06, 2005 1:46:00 AM  
Blogger djshawn recalled...

I left a comment earlier, and have read more of the backlog... I feel for you bro..... I was depressed for almost 2 years and I think of her on a daily basis. I have no idea what to do about closing that chapter of my life. Reading what has happened brought back painful memories and had me in tears.

Thursday, October 06, 2005 5:46:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

OMG! What a Bitch! I mean really, that's pretty heartless. I feel for ya! Poor thing, I bet you have no male friends now!

Keep on bloggin!

Thursday, October 06, 2005 11:14:00 AM  
Blogger PrincessMax recalled...

It sounds a little like you were Kara's Gloria: someone that she enjoyed well enough -or even loved- since she was being pursued anyway but when someone else came along, didn't seem like enough.

Friday, October 07, 2005 12:39:00 PM  
Blogger joyfish recalled...

There is always so much more to life than there seems to be at times when you feel hurt.

Sunday, October 09, 2005 1:20:00 AM  

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