Sunday, October 16, 2005

Blinded by the light...

So there it was; Roxanne & I had slept together. We hadn't slept together, but we had indeed fallen asleep there in each other's arms. I woke up just before she did, and I watched her open her eyes, and when she did, she looked at me & smiled, and I kissed her good morning, and we just lay there for a few minutes, not saying a word.

When the silence was broken, it was probably by me saying something stupid like "I've been thinking about this moment for years" or the like. True, maybe, but a little goofy when said out loud. Nevertheless, we had enough history between us already for her to know how I must have felt right then. I asked her what had happened that had caused her to wake up in a bed next to me after all these years, and she said that now, she looked at me differently than she used to; that something in me seemed to have changed...and that she had just been looking at life differently in general, and wondered if there hadn't been a few things she had missed out on. There were a definitely a few things I wasn't going to miss out on, like the opportunity to roll around in bed kissing her some more, so I got right to that.

We spent the whole rest of the weekend together. That afternoon, we went to the park and walked around for hours, we ate ice cream & Chinese food, and after she ran back to her house for a change of clothes, she came back and that night was as much of a whirlwind as the first; it was like we had skipped about 10 steps or leapt ahead 10 months in the relationship, it was all just so natural.

We couldn't keep our hands off each other, and we couldn't sop talking about how amazing it was that this was finally happening. We talked about what our friends would say when they found out & how shocked & probably relieved they'd all be. We wondered who would be surprised & who would have known all along; we talked about what our families would think...we talked like the last 3 years had just not existed at all, and everything else that had happened was all just some kind of time-warp leading up to this moment.
We talked some more until we started kissing again, and we kissed some more until we started laughing again, at which point we would start talking...and kissing...and so on. I honestly don't remember that much of it...not in that specific kind of way, anyhow...but I remember how overwhelming it all was, and how amazing it all felt.

We fell asleep together again that night, with her head resting on my chest & I remember lying there trying to move as little as possible so I wouldn't wake her up as I reached for my pillow that had fallen on the floor, and eventually giving up and sleeping without one so I wouldn't have to wake her.


The next morning, we woke up, kissed some more, joked about our morning breath, got dressed, and since I had work that day & she had class, we stood holding hands in front of the door, as we told each other how magical the weekend had been, and how we couldn't wait to see each other again, and that I would call her when I got out of work that night...maybe we'd just see each other then.

I remember vividly walking her out to her car, with her dress blowing just enough in the wind to cling to the shape of her body, and her turning around to kiss me goodbye, and how I stood there and watched until she had driven out of sight. Then, I probably did that stupid heel-click move that the people do in the movies, as I walked on clouds back into the house to call up Alan & tell him what had just happened.


The guys were floored...they couldn't believe it. They knew something had happened, 'cus I had been incommunicado for two days, but they never dreamed it would be something like this; in fact, they had feared the worst: a Kara Encounter (of which, color-coded warning level charts would be invented in the future, but at the time I was grossly unprotected), so they were just relieved to hear that it wasn't that. I hadn't been quite as close with Alan, Pete & the guys when Roxanne & I first met and first started down the path to...well, I'm still not sure to where , but the point is they had certainly heard about her plenty, and they were very happy to see me seemingly get what I always wanted, especially in light of the events of recent months.


I went to work that day looking like I must have won the lottery, and even my co-workers could tell that something good had come my way. I gave them the readers digest version of the story, and my boss even gave me a free bottle of champagne to celebrate with (which was kind of superfluous, since I could have just stolen one anyway, but it was a nice gesture nonetheless).
I got off work at about nine that night & drove home, champagne by my side, ready to see what the night would hold this time.

As soon as I got in, I called Roxanne, but her dorm-mate (whom I didn't know) said she had stepped out for a minute, so I just left her a message & told her to give me a call. I took a quick shower just in case she was already on the way over; I didn't know for sure whether I would see her that night...the school she went to was about 40 miles away, and I certainly would have understood had she not felt like coming all the way out again...but I wanted everything to be perfect just in case.


When I got out of the shower, I made myself a sandwich & sat down to watch TV; just flipping through the channels at light-speed since I knew I'd be getting a call in a few minutes anyway. Then I started watching Beavis & Butthead, and realized that it had
already been a few minutes...in fact, it had been almost an hour. I wrestled with what to do; should I call her back? I didn't want to seem too eager, but then I thought: wait, this is Roxanne..we've known each other for years & this has been a long time coming, I doubt I could seem too eager to her. In fact, I worried more about her roommate thinking I was weird more than anything else. Either way, I didn't really think about it too much right then; I figured I'd go outside, have a smoke, and surely she'd call any minute.

So, I step outside onto the porch, and it's a beautiful summer night. I remember thinking how empty our yard looked that night; my mom had recently gotten engaged & moved in with her boyfriend, leaving me in the house alone for two months before it was to be sold. I remember watching a few cars drive down the street, wondering if they were her...and thinking that I should probably go back inside & try her again...but I'd just have one more cigarette first.
I probably stood outside & smoked half a pack, leaving the front door open a crack & the phone in front of it so I wouldn't miss the ring.

An hour turned into two hours, and finally, I picked up the phone to call her again.
Once more, her roommate answered the phone. She hadn't gotten home yet, she said, but she'd be sure to tell her I called as soon as she did. I hung up and began to simultaneously freak out & try to rationalize it at the same time. Maybe she just had a late class, or got hung up with some friends & lost track of time? Maybe....but I knew Roxanne; if anything, the girl was just as passionate & emotional as I was. From the way she was acting when she left that morning, she should have been just as excited & impatient to talk to me (or do whatever else to me) as I was to her. I'm not saying I expected her to be waiting by the phone to hear from me, but I was starting to get really worried.

By now, it was almost midnight.
I remember worrying and not knowing what I should be worried about; should I worry that something happened to her, like an accident or something? Or was it just more likely that she had changed her mind about me as fast as she had made it up? That she had had second thoughts about whatever had just happened between us? Of course that was more likely....but there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it to find out; I couldn't call her roommate & ask her to call the police or anything...she'd think I was crazy. I couldn't go try to find her, because I didn't know where on the campus she lived...and I barely knew where the campus was. I couldn't do anything but sit there, wait, and slowly go crazy.

I remember the feeling...Hunter S. Thompson had a state of mind he'd often write about called "The Fear", and that what I always called it...the feeling that happens when one minute, you think everything's fine & the next minute, you realize that things are very, very wrong. Since the incident with Kara & with all the soul-searching I had done to try and get over it, i had managed to almost forget The Fear, but it all came rushing over me like a flood right then, and for the first time (but most certainly not the last), I thought to myself: Oh yeah....THIS is what pain feels like...how silly of me to even presume I could forget? I was once again in the full grip of The Fear.

I paced the floor until half past midnight, and I picked the phone up constantly to check if it was working. One way or another, I knew by now that something was very wrong. I sat awake & smoked 'til I ran out of cigarettes, and then I was afraid to drive to the store to buy more in case I missed her call. So, I sat there all night, 'til the sun came up...smokeless, sleepless, and clueless....and wondering if, in fact, it really had all been just a dream...

5 Comments:

Blogger chick recalled...

maaaan, u really need to stop with these cliffhangers...mmmm...grrr!

Monday, October 17, 2005 1:40:00 AM  
Blogger mad recalled...

Nooooooo.....I need to know more now....X come back and tell us more ...pretty please :)

Monday, October 17, 2005 3:28:00 AM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Why not...it's not like I can sleep, anyway....

Monday, October 17, 2005 4:08:00 AM  
Blogger MandyGirl recalled...

I freaking HATE the Fear.

Monday, October 17, 2005 7:53:00 AM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

i know the feeling. :-(

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 12:01:00 AM  

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