Saturday, October 15, 2005

Time wounds all heels...

(listening to: Elvis Costello: Deep, dark truthful mirror)

I was going to come home tonight & finish blogging where I left off about
Roxanne....and since we all know by now that god has a sense of humor about my life, as fate would have it, I ended up actually running into her today.

We only talked for a few minutes, and it was as awkward and cautious as it always is nowadays, but she was visibly upset, and she told me that she's going through some tough times in certain parts of her life, and I know you guys are about a decade or so behind on the story, but basically...it's just really hard for me to see her...and especially hard to know that she's feeling bad, and that I can't comfort her or do anything about it. Because of all the things that have happened between us, especially in the last few years, I can't even be the friend to her anymore that I'd been for so long (or at least I have no clue how to be), and that I know she needs right now, and that's really tough for me. Not only do I feel like a guilty asshole about the reasons our relationship is where it is today, but I feel even more guilty for not even being able to comfort her about anything...

So, long story short, I just don't have it in me to look too far back into the past tonight; too much of the our recent history is swirling around in my head to be able to handle going back and thinking about what happened between us way back then as well. Just too goddamn many emotions.

I'll pick it up where I left off tomorrow, for anyone who cares, I promise. Then again, there are those who'd tell you that my promises aren't worth much sometimes...I guess the proof will be in the pudding.

10 Comments:

Blogger mad recalled...

hope your feeling ok and aren't too sad. I was looking forward to the next instalment, but can wait a day

Sunday, October 16, 2005 1:23:00 AM  
Blogger chick recalled...

awww *e-hugs*

Sunday, October 16, 2005 1:54:00 AM  
Blogger The Mrs. recalled...

now is definitely not the time to give in, you have come too far for that. i check your blog every single day and i hope you find the answers you are looking for, or at least find out along the way that you are not alone. we all make mistakes, hurt people, get hurt by people, etc. we all have a past. the important thing is learning from it. hang in there!

Sunday, October 16, 2005 4:42:00 AM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

you will be okay sweetie. it will all work out the way it is supposed to.....

and you know what i am personally pulling for. :-)

Sunday, October 16, 2005 11:06:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

i was listening to the POlice last night, i hope she hasn't been named "roxanne" becuase she became a prostitute. and i really hope that you feel better soon.

Sunday, October 16, 2005 1:03:00 PM  
Blogger The Worker recalled...

Ok, X, haven't you figured out by now that there are people who are "bored enough" as you say to check your blog 25 times a day? We out here in cyberland are on the edge of our computer chairs, hanging on your every word!
I second the "e-hugs" motion that Chick started. It sounds like you could use some!

Sunday, October 16, 2005 1:47:00 PM  
Blogger Fourwall Jackson recalled...

I was just routed to your blog for the first time. I've read this post, and only this post. But I have a comment:
If she needs something, a friend (as you say), and you are unable to be that for her (as you say), then for God's sake don't be a wuss and hang your head. Connect her with someone who could give her the help she needs. Keep your eyes peeled for someone else who may need the same thing as Roxanne, and then see if there's a way they might "accidentally" meet.
Or something. I don't know. It's too easy for us to feel helplessly sympathetic, and that's not doing any of us any good.
-Brian_

Sunday, October 16, 2005 7:10:00 PM  
Blogger Pro-Divorce recalled...

Don't listen to fourwall, he obviously unaware of the background of this story.

You must be a busy man lately, as the frequency of your posts seems to have died.

Sunday, October 16, 2005 9:16:00 PM  
Blogger Fourwall Jackson recalled...

...And now that I've read the background of this story, my advice stands. Look, all I'm saying is that you may feel like a guilty asshole, you may feel useless--honestly, that makes sense--but see if you can't be more than that. It's obvious you care about this girl; then don't let this be about you. That's what it really is when you kick yourself and say "way to go, jerk" because that's just burying yourself and not doing any good.
...Yeah, and you can replace "you" with "we/us" if you like, because I'm in the same boat. ...I laughed when I read "Interlude: etc." because I react the same way to girls now. It's friggin annoying!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 12:49:00 AM  
Blogger PrincessMax recalled...

Knowing that the situation is more complicated than you've had a chance to tell us yet, I find myself tentatively wanting to agree with Fourwall.

When my ex-husband left, he made all of these whiny excuses that because he was causing the hurt, he couldn't help comfort me. What selfish bullshit. It made him uncomfortable to hold me or talk with me about how his various pronouncements made me feel. When I asked him for these things, I wasn't asking him to change his mind or to change the past. I was simply asking for the friendship that we had to shine through while the romance was falling away. His witholding of friendship hurt more than the loss of the marriage.

You know more than I what will or will not fly, but even if she told you not to be her friend anymore, time has passed and she could very well have changed her mind but doesn't know how to tell you. If offering her simple friendship in the form of listening (starting fresh without delving into your past together) is a possibility, then go outside your comfort zone and offer. Even if she says she doesn't want it right now, it will make her feel better that you offered.

Probably.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 9:59:00 AM  

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