Thought I'd lost the blues...thought I'd paid my dues....

I know I'm a couple of days behind on the story, but honestly, there are about a million things on my mind that are a lot more recent than Maria, and I just can't get past them to delve back into the past today. Ya, I know...imagine me not wanting to dwell on the past....

So, I went to Angela's birthday party the other night. Alison is right; I think I need to move to a bigger town. Now, I should probably clarify that it wasn't just Angela's party; Angela also happens to be best friends with Alan's wife, and her birthday was a few days ago, so it was really a party for both of them. Although Angela is really the only ex that I even so much as speak to anymore (if only because there wasn't ever that big of a bridge to burn), if Alan's wife hadn't been involved, I probably wouldn't have been either. Still, I had a good time, even though I spent the entire night wondering (as I usually do when I see her) why the hell I was ever interested in Angela in the first place.

Well, maybe I do know why. She was safe. You see, in our old age, my idiot friends & I have become an even closer group, if anything, and a few years ago, when Alan got married, his wife entering the circle, as it were, brought with her a few friends of her own that have since become part of the family, one of those being Angela. She had been around for two or three years already before we got together, and I had always thought she was painfully cute, but I also knew deep down that she wasn't the deepest girl in the world, and any relationship with her couldn't be all that complicated.

I hesitate to jump way ahead in the 'story' here, but, since it may be months before I get there at my current rate, I don't really see any way around it today; like I've said, this ain't a damn mystery novel. Maybe it'll explain things a little clearer, anyway. I'm sure I'll go into more detail about all of it later, but the reader's digest version follows...

It all started in early 2000. I was working in Europe for a production company 3 months out of the year, and I had just gotten back home after a six-week stint in one of my least favorite countries. Honestly, I don't really do well with travel, no matter where I am; I hate to fly (I've never boarded a plane on less than 20mg of Valium), I'm not the sightseeing type, I could honestly care less about the beauty & mystery of other cultures, and I get really annoyed anyplace where I can't hop in my car & go grab a Quarter Pounder w' Cheese at 3 in the morning. Also, at the time, I was having some health problems with my back which generally didn't keep me in the best of moods, and I was living in a house with a roommate that I found it really difficult to live with. So, even though I didn't quite realize it at the time, I was under a bit of stress.

The day after I had gotten back, I was still sleeping off the jet-lag & the Valium when I got a call from my old grade-school friend Chris. He told me that Ted's older brother (yes, that Ted), whom we all knew, had just died tragically. The funeral was being held the next day, and he wanted to know if I would go with him & the rest of the guys to be there for Ted. Ted & I had started speaking again over the last few years (yes, Kara had ended up breaking his heart, too), but we had never really talked about or settled things, to my satisfaction,anyway. Still, he was my friend, and I knew I should go & be there for him with the rest of our friends. Only thing was, I was terrified that Kara was going to be there.

Maybe terrified wasn't exactly the word; I don't really know what to call it. What do you call it when you haven't seen someone in almost six years (at that point), but you still think about them every day, and still compare every girl that comes into your life to them? There is still a little more to the story of what happened between Kara & I, but I'm sure it's no surprise to know that it ended badly, and she & I hadn't so much as spoken to each other since. I always thought, from the bottom of my heart, that we would at least end up as best friends, no matter what else happened...we were too close not too...but it didn't turn out that way. The last time we spoke to each other...well, it wasn't pleasant. Somehow, though, she & Ted had stayed friends....I guess he ended up taking my place there, too. I knew they weren't very close anymore (she was engaged to her future husband at this point), but I knew that she might be at that funeral nonetheless, and I didn't know what the hell to do to cope with that. So, I did what I usually do in those situations: I freaked out.

I couldn't talk to my roommate, so I called Alan. He wasn't home, and so I tried Pete & a couple of other guys nearby just trying to find somebody to just talk to or go out for a drink with (no, I usually don't drink, but this was a special occasion). Finally, I couldn't reach anyone in town, so I figured I could at least call & just talk to Jerry. Jerry was living in New York at this time, and he was rooming with his sister (Roxanne, if you forgot). I called them long-distance, but Jerry was out. Instead, Roxanne answered the phone...

Now, I know there's more that you haven't heard about Roxanne, as well, but in a nutshell, after our aborted hookup 6-7 years earlier, we had only seen each other a handful of times. She had been living & traveling all around the country (Roxanne is an actress), and had settled in New York for the past couple of years. The last few times we had seen each other, though, we had gotten along just like the old days. I had been in a relationship every time I had seen her, so there hadn't yet been an opportunity to pick up where we left off, but it was obvious that she still had a lot of affection for me after all these years. I had never lost any of mine for her, either, it had just been buried under all the other crap I'd been through, and when she picked up the phone that day, I was so relieved to hear her voice that I can't express it.

She could still read me, after all these years, and right away, she knew something was wrong. I told her the story & told her that I didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to handle it if I saw Kara. She just listened & talked to me & comforted me, and just generally made me feel a whole lot better. We talked for hours, about everything that had been happening in our lives, and everything we had both been through when we were younger. She knew about what had happened between me & Kara, but she & I had never really talked about it in detail before, and how it had related to the two of us.

She thought it was somehow romantic that I was still so affected by someone after all these years (instead of thinking it was pathetic, which would have been closer to the truth), and I remember she asked me if I was afraid of seeing her, or was I afraid of what her reaction would be if she saw me. She was perceptive, as always, and I knew that much of what I feared was looking into Kara's eyes & seeing...nothing. Seeing no sign whatsoever that she had spent so much as one minute thinking about me over the years, when I still had to fight to get her out of my head every day. She was right...that was much more terrifying than just seeing her. So, I just let it all pour out to her & the floodgates came loose. It felt really good to talk to someone, but it felt especially good to talk to her.

She still understood me better than just about anybody else in the world, and I could still talk to her about anything, effortlessly, like I hadn't done with anyone since...well, since Kara. We talked for almost five hours that night, and by the time we hung up, I was as ready to face Kara as I would ever be....and I also missed Roxanne something fierce. I thought she missed me, too...she had almost begged me to come up and visit them, and I was seriously considering doing just that.

The funeral was anticlimactic. Kara didn't come. I was honestly surprised, but she didn't come. We haven't seen each other for 12 years now.

Ted & I did manage to rekindle our friendship somewhat, and since then, all of us old buddies will get together pretty often & play cards or grill out, and it's been just like old times...even though he & I still never talk about Kara. I doubt we ever will, and truthfully, it doesn't bother me much anymore....but I digress.

The next day, I was surprised when Roxanne called out of the blue to see how everything went. I told her all about it, and we talked the whole night away again. We talked all about her life, and everything she had been through in the last few years, and she told me something that touched me deeply; she said that I had always been one of the only things she could ever count on. No matter what happened in her life, or who had turned their back on her or who had hurt her feelings, I had always been there, and I had always just loved her for who she was....which was true (not like it was hard to love her for who she was; it's probably hard not to).

She told me she had taken that for granted in the past, and she was sorry for that. And, she asked me again to come up & visit. So, the next day, I booked a flight leaving the following week, and every night until I left, we talked on the phone until we fell asleep. The next Friday, I stepped off the plane at Laguardia & Jerry and Roxanne were standing there to meet me. She had on a big, red sweatshirt and a pair of jeans that had more rips in them than my own, and standing there in the middle of that concourse, I thought she was the prettiest thing I had ever seen. She ran up to hug me & I spun her around & gave her a big squeeze. We rode back to their place in Queens, stopping to get cigarettes & wine along the way.

That night, we went out for Chinese food, came back home and sat out on the porch, watching the sun set over the city, just talking about anything & everything. Roxanne & I kept stealing glances at each other all night long, and on the way home from the restaurant, she had slipped her hand into mind & held it tightly the whole way home. We both knew something was brewing, but she didn't want Jerry to know quite yet, so we played it kind of cool.

That night, after Jerry fell asleep, Roxanne took me by the hand & led me back into her bedroom. We stood there in the dark and I put my arms around her & pulled her to me, and when we kissed, it was like a static shock. We slept in her bed that night, but we didn't have sex, and she made sure to wake me up to go back into the living room before Jerry awoke.

The rest of the weekend was like another whirlwind; we spent it wandering around the city, sneaking kisses on the subway, strolling through the park holding hands, and staying up until the wee hours talking & kissing some more. I'm pretty sure Jerry had it figured out a day or so in, but he never seemed to mind. When the time came for me to leave, I didn't want to go.

Jerry had to work that morning, so Roxanne drove me to the airport. I remember we sat there in the car, talking about just what had happened this weekend, and wondering where it would go from there. There we were, eleven years & a thousand miles away from where it had all began, and it looked like, finally, after all this time, after all we had both been through & all we had both learned about ourselves & each other, Roxanne & I might finally have our chance. But there was that damn thousand miles in the way...and right then, I had to hop a plane.

I stepped out of the car & walked toward the gate, turning around to wave & blow her a kiss before she drove away. She saw me & smiled, and I turned around to walk into the airport, when all of a sudden, I felt a huge whoosh of air & an airport bus flew by not more than 6 inches in front of me. I was so close to it, the bus knocked my bag out of my hand & sent it flying. I came really, really close to instant death, but I didn't even bat an eye...I grabbed my bag & whistled all the way to the plane. I could still smell her all over me, and I was almost drunk on it.

When I got home, we continued our courtship by phone; every night we would talk for hours & hours, tying up the line & driving my roommate crazy. My problems with my back were getting worse by this time, and it was getting to the point where I was having chronic pain pretty much all the time I spent awake, and talking to her really helped ease my mind. After a while, though, I knew it was going to have to be put up or shut up time; long-distance relationships can't last forever.

All that was confirmed when she called me one day & said that she was moving back to town.

We had talked about the possibility of it before, but that's all it had been; a possibility. She had talked about moving back home, maybe getting a place with one of her friends, trying to do some theater here, but honestly, I never expected her to leave her whole life in New York....she had tried so hard to make it there & had done so well already. But a few days ago, she had gotten a letter from the drama department of a very famous ivy-league college asking her to come & work as an instructor for the summer sessions. It was a great opportunity & she had to take it, but she would have to give up her apartment in the city to do it.

So, she decided that after the gig was over, she would just move back home. She had already talked to her friend Sherry, who was looking for places for them to live as we spoke. And, even though she never said it, I knew one of the main reasons she was coming home.... She told me that it wasn't't because of me & her....or at least that wasn't all of it; she had been thinking about it for a while, and this had just given her the reason she needed. Even so, I suddenly, in that moment on the phone, found myself very uncomfortable being anyone's reason for doing anything.

I didn't let her know it, but I realized that I was terrified; this was actually going to happen. After all these years of me thinking she had hung the moon, Roxanne was basically uprooting her life and moving halfway across the country to be with me....it was everything I ever could have dreamed of, and I knew that I should be the happiest person in the world. Instead, I was scared, and on top of everything else that was going on, I started to freak out. Over the next few weeks, I only got worse. Even today, looking back on it, I don't know why I reacted the way I did....in fact, that's one of the main things I'm trying to figure out with this journal.

After what seemed like a lifetime of Roxanne & I popping in & out of each other's lives, after spending years pining over Kara, after wasting the better part of a decade in an insane tug-of-wills with Veronica, after Maria & after J.C. & after all the others that had come between, finally Roxanne & I might actually end up together...and the very thought of it scared me out of my mind.

I started second-guessing everything; the way I felt about her, the things that had happened between us. I kept comparing it to the only other frame of reference for being in love that I had; the way I had felt about Kara. I never stopped to think that maybe the way I felt about Kara wasn't what I should judge things by for the rest of my life, considering how dysfunctional we were; all I knew is that I had been chasing that feeling again ever since, never quite finding it. I know now that nothing will ever be able to live up to years of memories you've put on a pedestal & probably embellished upon plenty in the first place, no matter who's face you put on them, but at that time, it was just one more excuse for me to freak out.

At the same time, my back problems were starting to affect my sleep, and I found myself moody & frustrated a lot of the time. I never took it out on her in any overt way, but I think she could tell something was wrong soon after her announcement that she was moving. She still had the job to go do in New England for three months, but after that, she would be here, and I knew I had to shape up or ship out before she got there.

We were only able to talk about 3 or 4 times a week while she was in New England, and honestly, I don't remember a single conversation that we had during that time, my brain was so scrambled. I've been sitting here for almost an hour trying to think of a way to describe it, but I can't...I still don't know what made me act the way I did. The easy answer is that I was about to have something I had always dreamed of handed to me on a silver platter, and I was just too scared to face it....but why?

Why, after all the things I had been through, after all the heartache of the past god-knows how many years, after over a decade of thinking that this girl was the most perfect creature on earth, what the hell was I scared of? Being with her? I loved being with her. Spending the rest of my life with her? I didn't have any plans...well, not exactly anyway.

There was one thing. It wasn't everything, and I knew even then that it was batshit-crazy, but I knew it nonetheless. I've never admitted this out loud to anyone before, and I cringe to even write it now, but it's the truth. In my mind, I knew that if Roxanne moved here & we stayed together as planned, that we would end up married...I had no doubt about it then, I have no doubt about it now....nor do I have any doubt that this would have been the best thing that ever happened to me. But, somewhere else, in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind, I also knew that, if Roxanne & I got married, and somehow....just somehow, by some crazy chance, Kara & I were to bump into each other on the street one day, well, I would already be married...and that would be that. Yes, I know...that's crazy. Like I said, it wasn't the only reason, or even in the top 10....but it was there, and I guess I had just better admit it now. I'm ashamed & I know that it's pathetic, but I just wanted so much to feel the way I felt when I was with her again...and that was always in the back of my mind. The rest of the feelings I had, I still can't explain. I wish to god I could, 'cus maybe then I'd understand them. All I knew is that I was scared to death for her to move here, and I didn't know how I was going to handle any of it. I never told Roxanne that, of course; I never told her any of it. Instead, I just waited until she finally moved here, and I just shut down.

I don't know any other way to explain it, and believe me, I've tried. I just....shut down; I barely talked to her...hell, I barely talked to anybody. I couldn't find the words to tell her the way I was feeling, so I just didn't tell her anything. She knew something was very wrong from the time she first got here, and she did everything she could to try and talk to me about it, but I just...couldn't. I felt like the lowest of the low; I felt like a complete coward, totally unable to make myself accept anything good in my life, or anything that might challenge me, or might force me to show a little responsibility for someone other than myself. I told her that, I didn't know why, but something about the way I felt was very wrong...and I didn't think we should do this.

I broke her heart, swept the rug out from under her, and shattered everything we had built up between us...all because I was too screwed up to do anything about it. I don't even remember hardly anything about what I said or how it happened, it just did. I just threw it all away. She stayed here & started a new life for herself, and I went on wallowing in my own pity.

And that's where Angela came along.

About two weeks after Roxanne & I broke up, I drove out to the coast to spend a week at house on the beach with about 10 of my idiot friends....Angela among them. Angela had been around for a few years already, and we were pretty good friends, but I don't think we'd ever had a conversation longer than 2 minutes before, and I couldn't tell you anything about who she was & what made her tick. Somehow, though, before the week was over, she & I had moved into the same bed & were already an item. A completely arbitrary, empty, meaningless, time-wasting, placebo of an item.

I guess I was just lonely & felt bad after everything that had happened, and Angela was about the safest place to take haven that I could imagine. I knew from the first moment that it wouldn't mean a thing....but maybe it might help me think about Roxanne just a little less. Remember, I'm not too bright sometimes.

So, Angela & I dated & went through the motions for a little while. I tried to keep Roxanne from finding out, because I was so ashamed, but of course she did, and she was crushed. I was still pretty crushed inside from the whole thing, too...even though I was doing the crushing. Eventually, I wised up and broke it off with Angela, but not before a wedge had been driven even farther between Roxanne & I, and not without any casualties to our group of friends; things were very tense for a while, as Angela was pretty upset about our breakup. Of course, me in my infinite idiocy tried to smooth things over between me & all my friends more than I ever tried to smooth things over between me & Roxanne....and the whole, ugly incident just screwed everything up worse than I could have if I tried.

And yes, there's a lot more to it & it didn't just end there with Roxanne & I, but the other night, standing there, singing happy birthday to Angela....it was all just staring me in the face. That was the girl I decided was worthy of my time when Roxanne wasn't? She was the one whose feelings I tried to spare, when it was Roxanne's I should have been concerned about all along? It wasn't any grand revelation or anything I hadn't thought before, but just remembering & realizing it all again, I felt almost sick....and I still don't feel so good right now. In fact, I've been sitting here since I started this at 4:00; it's now 9:06...maybe I should eat something...