Saturday, November 19, 2005

Alone again in the lap of luxury...

Over the next couple of weeks, Veronica called once or twice & tried to get together with me, but I was still freaked out from the previous encounter & I basically just blew her off; probably rather rudely. For all the pain & anguish I ended up going through with her (which was all my fault for getting mixed up in it in the first place), I can't say that I didn't deserve at least some of it for the way I treated her in the early years of our relationship. Yes, she was persistent, and no, she couldn't take a hint, and she might have brought some of it on herself by continually trying to insert herself into my life when she knew full well that I didn't want the same things she did, but I can't deny that I was pretty mean to her back then, on more than one occasion.

I might have succumbed to her charms when I felt like it, but I would always be mad at myself afterwards, and I would take it out on her a lot. Starting around this time, it began to develop into a pattern: if she would call after I told her that we shouldn't see each other for a while, sometimes I would be really nasty to her, yell at her, and hang up. If her brother (who was an old friend of ours) came in from out of town to visit us & she tagged along, I would always act like an asshole in front of her, and I'd flaunt myself with other girls when I could to make her jealous...never realizing that was probably the exact opposite effect that I was intending to produce. I know that I didn't really feel hostile toward her, but I knew deep down that I shouldn't have her in my life; that she was just trouble waiting to happen (and sometimes actively happening), and she was so goddamn persistent that this was the only way I knew, in my tactless youth, to get the message through to her; I honestly wasn't always trying to be a jerk, even though I guess sometimes I have to admit I got a sick little kick from it...probably because it was a role I had just always assumed I'd never be able to play. I honestly figured that if I was just dismissive enough to her, she would eventually get over me.

But she wouldn't...not for a long, long while.

Even so, I had stemmed the tide for now; I think I saw her over Easter that year maybe when her brother came to visit, but nothing happened & that was pretty much it for a while. In fact, there was actually a few weeks there during that year when there were actually no women in my life, and strangely enough, I don't remember a damn thing about that period...

Wait, I do remember one wasn't a big deal, but what the hell was her name? I can't give her a fake one if I can't remember her real one. Wait, that's right...let's call her Jill. She was Alan's girlfriend Mindy's cousin, and I just now at this very moment realized how, if things had only gone just a little differently, she might have very well saved me from all the years of intermittent Veronica hell that would follow...but it didn't work out.

Jill & I had met a few months before, over Christmas that year; Maria was out of town one weekend, and all my idiot friends were home for the holidays, and so we all went out one night, and Mindy's cousin Jill came along with us. I remember she wasn't the sharpest tack in the box, but she had a cute personality in a Chrissy Snow kinda way, and she looked exactly like the Pink Power Ranger, so all the guys were pretty much all seeing who could get to her first. I, on the other hand, didn't pay much attention to her since I was so into Maria at the time, so we all just had a good time, and then came back to my house & watched A Muppet Christmas Carol. Everyone left afterwards, I went to bed, and I didn't think anything more about it.

Apparently, Jill had, though, because the next day, Mindy called me up, and told me that her cousin had been talking about me ever since then & was interested to know what I thought about her. Mindy said she had explained to her that I had a girlfriend, but that she was persistent in getting her to call me anyway...chalk another one up for female determination.

I told Mindy that I thought her cousin was very cute, but that I had a girlfriend, and, strange as it may sound, I'm actually trying to do right by this one. Mindy told me that was about what she had expected me to say, and she would relay the message to Jill...who, she told me afterwards, I probably didn't want to get mixed up with anyway, as she was known to be a little clingy. I didn't need any more of that, so I figured it was probably a good thing, too. We hung up the phone & again, I didn't think much more about it.

Apparently, Jill had, though, because at about 9 o'clock the next night, I got a knock on my door & found her standing on my step. I was surprised, and I knew I wasn't going to do anything, but I was flattered & a little intrigued, so I invited her in. I can't remember why she said she had stopped by, but she made some excuse about being in the neighborhood...or maybe she said she had left something there the other night, a holdover, if you will. In any case, we sat down on the couch & talked for a while...for a long while. or maybe it just seemed so long because talking to her was like talking to an autistic monkey; when I said earlier that she wasn't the sharpest tack in the box, I had obviously not spent enough time with the girl. No tack that dull would ever make it through even the most rudimentary screening process at the factory...

Still, she stuck around & watched TV next to me on the sofa for a good while after the conversation had died down, no doubt wondering why the hell I hadn't made a move on her yet (and I have to admit I wondered the same thing, but then I would quickly answer that question with thoughts of Maria, and it quickly passed). I'm sure that she wasn't used to guys not trying to jump all over her, and truthfully, it was the perfect set up; Maria never would have known, but I had made myself a promise to do things right this time, and I figured this was just some kinda test from on high, much like the one with Misty in Colorado. Of course, I didn't take the time to think about how poor & misleading a sign that had turned out to be, but I can't think of everything...

So, sometime early into the wee hours, she finally left to go home. I gave her a hug at the door & told her it was fun hanging out with her, and that was that. I called Mindy over at Alan's house the next day & told her what happened, and she was both amused & unsurprised. I told her that had it not been for Maria, I'm sure things would have been different, and to let Jill know that it wasn't her...even though it sorta was. And that was the last time I talked to Jill...until right after I broke up with Maria...which brings me to the epiphany I just had....

In those first few lonely days after we had broken up, before Veronica showed up that night, I was sitting around one night, trying to take Maria off my mind & I tried to call Roxanne, whom I hadn't heard from since our whirlwind weekend the previous year. I called her mom to get her new number, since it had been a while. I would normally have called her brother Jerry, but Jerry had sort of ran off & joined a religious cult about 6 months before (yeah, I know...long story), and he was avoiding all his old friends, so I couldn't exactly call him. It all turned out to be a moot point anyway, since Roxanne's mom told me she was out of town doing a play for the next three weeks.

So, sitting there with the phone in my hand, lonely & slightly depressed, I suddenly had the idea to call Jill. Sure, me might not get involved in any deep philosophical debates, but it would be nice to spend some time with a pretty girl who likes me for a while, even if nothing came of it. So, I got Jill's number and called her up.

She was happy to hear from me, but when I asked her out for that weekend, she told me she couldn't go; she had just met a guy the week or two before & was starting to get pretty serious with him, and she didn't think it would be right to go out with me, much as she might like to. The thing is, I didn't get the impression she really felt that way, I got the impression that she was just trying to make me jump through some hurdles to get me back for not taking advantage of her when I had the chance. Mindy confirmed as much later; she still wanted to go out with me, and she didn't really give a shit about this guy she had met, but she wanted me to work at it now. So, the tables turn...

But, I didn't feel like working on it; yes, I was lonely, but I knew deep down Jill wasn't worth the effort just to get my mind off things for a while. And therein lies my point; HAD I decided to pursue Jill at that point, even if it was just for a little while, the whole episode a week or so later with Veronica might very well never have happened, had Jill been there to occupy the space instead. Sure, it would have been meaningless & fleeting, too....but it would have surely been a lot less painful for everyone in the long run than Veronica. I'm not saying that, had that one incident never happened, that Veronica & I would never have hooked up again in the future...but I know that episode didn't help; it just made it that much more familiar for both of us.

Okay, so maybe it's not really an epiphany...maybe I just keep seeing various points in the timeline of my life where, had I done one little thing differently, I could have avoided the future with Veronica altogether, which would have been the best thing that ever could have happened to my life back then. But, I didn't...

Jill & I never got together, either...but I did run into her at a Halloween party a few years ago while I was dating Angela, and she still looked just like the Pink Power Ranger...which is how Alan & I always refer to her, 'cus we usually can't remember her name. She might coulda saved me back then, tho...if she'd have only had her super-suit along, that might've made the difference...

Nevertheless, all that passed & so did the incident with Veronica...for a while. I don't remember much about the next few days, but I do know that, after the latest round with Veronica, I was a little sick of the whole game, and I decided to concentrate on my writing for a while, which I had been neglecting since before I moved to Colorado. I cranked out a short story or two in just a week or so's time, and for a little while there, girls were about the farthest thing from my mind.

Until Roxanne got back into town a few weeks later...and finally returned my call...


Blogger Chris recalled...

You can tell you are a writer and a good one too. Myself on the other hand, I'm not a good writer that’s why use adjectives like 'good' :)

Have you had anything published?

Saturday, November 19, 2005 5:59:00 AM  
Blogger Frankie recalled...

Pink...power...ranger? And that's an attractive thing?

You probably have the hots for Kim Possible too, huh!

I think it's a good thing that you didn't hook up with Jill. Sure, she might have intercepted any passes made by Veronica, but she's a person...and she might be dumb, but I am sure the girl has feelings.

I read this journal of yours and sometimes it honestly disgusts me, the way you (used to?) view women as conveniences, or inconveniences, and not full people...but then I hear your twang, and I hear that, athough you still think you're fucked up, you HAVE changed a bit...and I forgive you. Over, and over.

You've got a certain charm, exBF, you really do. Plus, you're one hell of a writer, my friend...

Saturday, November 19, 2005 9:42:00 AM  
Blogger Luke recalled...


I think every guy in a particular age range had a thing for the Pink Power Ranger.

Saturday, November 19, 2005 10:48:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

you know she (the pink power ranger) was in a disney movie called "Susie Q" (... i think that's what it was called) with the second jimmy olsen from The Superman, New Adventures of Lois and Clark. thought you'd wanna know.

and don't you hate when you look back and you can pinpoint a moment where if you had just done ONE thing differently, it would have saved you a lot of trouble.

Saturday, November 19, 2005 11:10:00 AM  
Blogger Ana recalled...

i think u cud have saved urself a lot of trouble by not calling veronica in the first place or not letting urself have sex with her when u knew it wasnt the most intelligent thing to do especially with her.

Saturday, November 19, 2005 6:25:00 PM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

the pink power ranger was cute. definitely hotter than the yellow one. hehe... :-)

Saturday, November 19, 2005 8:20:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

You guys are mental if you don't think the pink power ranger was hot. Ok, fine; I just enjoy typing the words 'pink power ranger'.

Chris: Yeah, I have...somewhere

Sunday, November 20, 2005 12:18:00 AM  
Blogger Jhena recalled...

Roxanne! Roxanne! Roxanne! (jhena shouting, marching around the room)

I just hope you write immediately this story about Roxanne. I just can't wait to read more about her.

You know what, you should be a writer for soap operas.

And umm, I almost forgot. The other day, I was on a bus and I heard this song "Back to You" by John Mayer. You know what came to my mind? Yeah, you! Then I told myself, "This is exbf's song for Kara!"

Monday, November 21, 2005 12:23:00 AM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Actually, it's usually any Bob Segar song that makes me think of her...but I'll have to check this one out. Who the hell is John mayer?

Monday, November 21, 2005 1:27:00 AM  
Blogger Dom recalled...

Of course now you are wiser, but when you were being an asshole to Veronica, you actually increased your attractiveness to her. Being a selfish asshole means being self confident.
And women, especially emotionally unstable ones, just absolutely dig confident men.

And just as information for the female readers: Being very self confident means that you do not care what others think about you, or how others react to you. This automatically results in a guy acting like a jerk...

So, stop those female fantasies of finding a confident sexy guy and him treating you well. Those two ideals are exactly opposed.

the way you (used to?) view women as conveniences, or inconveniences, and not full people

Ahh, you should know this by now. Sex and friendship are two completely separated things for a guy.

A guy can have sex without friendship, and enjoy it. The opposite is of course equally true, but usually you have more friends than time anyway. So a guy usually only seeks new women for satisfying his sexual desires. Not for finding new friends, because he has loads of them already. Of course, sex + friendship is the best combination, but it is so darn difficult to find. So almost anything will do for the time being...

Monday, November 21, 2005 8:37:00 AM  
Blogger Girl Turned Sideways recalled...

I do truly love to read this blog every day. My only concern is that I think I may be the female version of you. I am constantly in some sort of "relationship" that I am perpetually fuking's to hoping you reach some sort of ultimate truth out of this mess..then there may be hope for the rest of us....

Monday, November 21, 2005 11:26:00 AM  
Blogger Jhena recalled...

Not knowing John Mayer speaks so much of your age. Ooops! Anyway, you better check that song out. I'm not saying that you'll enjoy listening to that song. It just reminds me of you and Kara.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 3:53:00 AM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...



Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
And I quit ever game I play
But forgive me, love
I can't turn and walk away

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I walk with your shadow

I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette

should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you
Could not do

Leave the light on
I'll never give up on you
Leave the light on
For me too

Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 5:11:00 PM  

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