Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Night moves...

My whole life with Kara had been one big series of stolen moments. There was never any time to just relax and enjoy being with her; very few times where I could just fall asleep peacefully, secure that nothing was going to shake my whole world up the next day. All the time I had ever spend with her, in a relationship at least, had been between the cracks; I felt like I always had to work to earn my way into her life, rather than her making room for me. I know she wanted me there, but it was like she didn't want it to be easy for me. At least, this was the way it had always been before that summer.

Since I had started talking to her again, it seemed like she was finally the one reaching out to me, even if it was in her own unique little way. I knew that, if I was Ted, I would wonder where the hell she was & what she was doing, but in any case, she was somehow making excuses to him, at least in the beginning, to come spend time with me...which was total role-reversal for me, since I was used to being in Ted's shoes. It was usually me that played second-fiddle, but I could see this time, that, even from the start, she was putting a good thing that she cared deeply about in jeopardy for me...and I didn't know what to make of that yet. I was still gonna run with it, though...

So anyway, she asked me if I wanted to see her that night. You know what I said. She drove over to my house...I remember she asked if Alan was home, which he wasn't, because she didn't want to see him & have to answer all his questions that she knew he'd grill her with...and we decided to go out to the park again, just like old times, with a bottle of wine. I had bought a (sort of) convertible since we had been together last, and we figured we'd take the top off, lie in the backseat, and just stargaze for a while. This is one of the things I've been saying for weeks now that I have no idea how I'm going to write. I still don't...but I'll try.

I realize now that I don't really remember a single damn word we said to each other that night...I can't believe it, but I don't. In almost every other way, it's one of the strongest memories I have; In some ways, I can almost still smell it...but I can't remember what we said. It's like the memory of the way everything felt is so intense, it was sensory overload on my memory cells.

I remember everything about the way she felt, and the way her hair smelled. I remember us lying in the backseat, me holding her, and the both of us laughing and tickling each other. I remember sitting up, and her crawling up onto my lap & sitting on top of me, and us kissing each other, and me running my hand up her thighs to her hips and squeezing her there, pulling her closer to me. I remember the wind blowing on us, blowing her hair into my face as we kissed & how cool it felt in the summer heat. I remember feeling her heartbeat through her neck as I touched her face while we kissed, and hearing mine at the same time. All those things, I can still smell, feel & almost taste now...but I can't remember a damn word we said there. Maybe we just didn't say very many...

Still, it was amazing. As much as I had missed her, something was definitely different about her. She was more tender; more affectionate. She actually seemed like....I don't know, but I could tell that being in a relationship, the first 'real' relationship she'd ever been in, had helped her tear down some of the wall she'd built over the years. She was more comfortable just....just being with me, and I'm sure it just drew me to her all the more, like anything needed to.

We went back to my place again that night, and I do remember some things that we talked about there after we made love. She finally talked to me a little bit about Ted.

As I might have said before; once I really thought about it, I was never that surprised that Kara had been attracted to Ted. Aside from him being smart & funny, he was also screwed up in many of the same ways that she was. He was also on antidepressants, he was neurotic; in many ways, they were a perfect match. But now, she said, as much as she cared about him, she was having doubts. But, she was also too worried to tell him about it. She knew that Ted was a fragile kind of guy, and that he would take the news harder than most, and knowing Ted, I knew that was an understatement. I also knew that, although it was part of what attracted her to him in the first place, a girl like Kara would eventually be drawn away to someone who would take care of her, rather than someone she'd have to take care of.

Anyway, I asked her if she'd told Ted that she had seen me, and what she was telling him to get out of the house like this. She said she hadn't told him yet, but that she knew she'd have to, because he would find out anyway...which was probably true; our grapevine wasn't really that long when it came down to it. In the meantime, she had told him she was out with her little brother. I remember telling her that she would run out of excuses to give him really fast, and she kissed me & said "I don't want to have to give anybody any excuses."

Still, she left that night at about 3 to head home, and I knew she'd be giving at least a couple when she got there. I remember watching her car drive out of the parking lot & wondering when I would see her again. I didn't think for a second that it would be the next night...


17 Comments:

Blogger Charlotte recalled...

wow, what a girl. well your past self seemed happy, i'm just scared for when the bubble bursted!!

you and your cliff hangers ...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 11:05:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn! recalled...

cliff hangers indeed...i'm at the edge of my seat already.

more! more! more!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Ophelia recalled...

I must observe that your choice of song title to use for this post was great in many ways. The first verse of the song seems to fit the image I have of the two of you.

Rock on...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 1:08:00 PM  
Blogger Lynn-e recalled...

Ok, for the lack of a better way to describe how I view you and Kara, I'm going to steal a phrase from Friends....

To me, I'd say Kara is your lobster.

Of course, I don't know how the story ends...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 2:08:00 PM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID SUNDAY NIGHT BUT YOU CAN REMEMBER THE SMELL OF THAT NIGHT????!!!


HUM.....???????????

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 4:21:00 PM  
Blogger Jhena recalled...

I've seen all the posts about Kara but until now I still can't figure out what was going on her head that time.

The way you write everything about her, you just make me feel like a part of you had been stolen by her and until now that part is still with her. . . and that you'll never get it back, never.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 6:23:00 PM  
Blogger PrincessMax recalled...

Jhena's right; you might not get it back. But you can grow something new to put in it's place.

That's not just pap to have something to say. Jhena's description brought back the mental picture I had of my life when I found out that everything my husband had ever told me was a lie. I pictured this bulbous body-shaped animal, like a voodoo doll made of flesh, except that it had been torn in half and one half was gone. The edges of the tear were like tissue-paper skin that sort of fluttered with ragged edges.

It's a disturbing image but it was mine for a long time. But I have to tell you, I'm just now beginning to grow something new into the space that was left open when he took part of me (my perceived future, the shared first times, my status as a married person, my source of happiness). It's not the same as what was there, but it's new and it's mine.

Maybe cleaning out your wounds will allow you to grow something of your own, too.

Or, Jhena's interpretation doesn't apply and I've shared all this for nothing. Either way. Eh.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 6:40:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Lynn...I sure thought she was. Maybe she was...but I wasn't hers.

You guys are right too, Princess...I've tried over the years to fill that space with other things, and to a certain extent I know I have, but I guess I just never let myself get real used to somethin' new growing there...

I know it all seems to come back to her, but there's a lot more that happened in my life in the years to follow, and I'd be curious to see if you all still think that after hearing everything...maybe you would; some people sure do.

And no, I don't remember what I had for dinner Sunday night, either, but ya...I do remember that.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 8:25:00 PM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

u and them dang cliff hangers, agggrrr ;)
your killin me smalls.......

Wednesday, December 14, 2005 2:01:00 PM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

i hope you're doing good....

Wednesday, December 14, 2005 6:19:00 PM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...

DEAR GOODNESS..... WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR NIGHTS????? WHY DO YOU NOT UPDATE..... I HAVE DECIDED YOU ARE JUST "POOPY"!

Thursday, December 15, 2005 8:31:00 AM  
Blogger Joe recalled...

Princess Max...I was eating my lunch when I read your post and now I'm totally off my Beef/sausage combo with cheese! What a disturbing image to carry around for such a long time. I'm jealous.

Thursday, December 15, 2005 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...

STILL WAITING.....

Thursday, December 15, 2005 3:51:00 PM  
Blogger J recalled...

There is nothing like the smell... the feel...of your first love. It lingers. We all know. But what she did, now, that's just dirty. Dirrrrrrtyyyy!!!!!!!!

Glad you posted. I always look forward to the next:)

Friday, December 16, 2005 4:50:00 AM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

....'poopy'?

Friday, December 16, 2005 4:56:00 AM  
Blogger PrincessMax recalled...

Joe,

Your jealousy is unfounded. I would trade experience and poetry for innocence and happiness whenever the choice is offered.

Sunday, December 18, 2005 4:18:00 PM  
Blogger Joe recalled...

PM, can't remember innocence and happiness to save my soul. I could only ask for more poetry.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 12:45:00 PM  

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