Ghosts of ex's past...part 1

Well, since I'm desperate for something to take my mind off the present, maybe I should take the opportunity that this yuletide insomnia has given me to do what I do best; dwell endlessly on the past...

Christmas. Always been a big fan. Even as I've gotten older, I've always tried to hang onto the Christmas spirit...just like I try to hang on to everything from my childhood, I guess. In any case, I'm always the first guy who has his tree up, I have my trusty santa hat that starts becoming my normal headgear around Dec. 1st of every year, and for the past several years, I've made it a bi-annual tradition to make my own Christmas albums as gifts for family & friends, and let me tell you: they do indeed rock.

Best Christmas of my life so far still has to be Christmas 1983. I was 11 years old, and I got a Colecovision for my big gift that year, and I still remember vividly driving out to Toys R' Us on Christmas eve & picking out a couple of game cartridges to play on it (Smurf & Cosmic Avenger), and unwrapping it all the next morning while Martha Quinn introduced holiday videos on MTV. I remember we actually had a white Christmas that morning, and I can still hear my grandfather cursing in the kitchen while burning the turkey as Greg Lake's "I Believe in Father Christmas" played on the TV.

Those were simpler times...

Then, women came into my life. Since then, I've shared many Christmases with many different girls, and for a long while, the running joke in my family (when we were still all speaking) was that one day, I would actually bring the same girl over for two Christmases in a row. Still hasn't happened yet.

The first Christmas that I had a girlfriend was when I was 16, and I was dating Andi. For those of you who remember, I took my first relationship deadly seriously...for some ridiculous reason, and that Christmas was no different. I figured that, since she had seen fit to grant me the time of day & allow me in her presence, that I had to go all out & blow her away with the best Christmas gift ever. I didn't matter that my family has never had a pot to piss in, I had made up my mind that I was going to buy her some expensive piece of jewelery...because that's what I thought boyfriends were supposed to do, even if you're 16 & so poor you can't pat attention.

So, I scrounged & saved, and, against my mom's will, I cashed in a $250 savings bond that had been left to me by an uncle I'd never met. I found out that Andi's birthstone was a garnet, so I looked in the Service Merchandise catalog & found a ring that I thought looked acceptable & contained the right stone...for slightly less than $300.

When I asked my mom for the extra money to cover the difference, she thought I was crazy. She told me that no 16-year-old kid was supposed to be buying his girlfriend a $300 ring, at least not any that we knew. I, of course, told her she was crazy, and that I was in love, and that if I didn't buy her an expensive ring, she just might wise up & leave me for some guy who would. My mom still thought I was crazy, and somewhere deep down, I think I probably knew she was right, but I was not to be deterred. Eventually, my mom said she'd give me the money, but that it would count as my Christmas present, so I'd better make sure I wanted it. Of course, I took the money & bought the stupid ring...

And you know what? I don't remember what she gave me...in fact, I don't even remember what happened when I gave her the ring. I have a vague memory of being in her living room, with her Christmas tree all lit up, and exchanging gifts, but I can't remember anything that happened. She was extremely vain & materialistic, so I'm sure she liked it...but it didn't stop her from running off with my friend a couple of months later. And yes, after it was all done, I felt really stupid about that $300...

The next time I had a girlfriend during Christmas was Gloria, I suppose...and she was Jewish, so that was a little weird. I remember I bought her a leather motorcycle jacket just like mine, apparently to feed some vaguely West Side Story-esque fantasy about her being 'my chick', and plus I just thought she would look cute in it...which she did.

I remember I took her over to my family's house for Christmas, and in the middle of us unwrapping gifts, she broke down crying, saying that her family was never as close as mine, and she had always wanted to be a part of a family like that. If she could only see us now...

And, dammit, I can't remember what the hell Gloria bought me for Christmas, either. I remember her coming over on Christmas morning for us to exchange gifts while my brother & I were playing Spider-Man on his new Sega Genesis, and I remember giving her the jacket, but again, I can't remember much else. I'm sure she got me something nice, too...but I'll be damned if I know what it was.

The next Christmas would have found me just home from Colorado, and spending it...in fleeting spurts...with Kara. As far as presents go, yes I know it's strange that I can remember conversations we had verbatim, and I can remember what she wore at times as clear as a picture, but I still can't remember what I bought her for a gift that year. I do remember what she got me, though. It wasn't anything special...it was a t-shirt with a pretty lame drawing of The Punisher on the front, but it was something...from her. I remember I didn't expect her to even get me a gift, and when she gave that to me, I was as blown away as anyone's ever been by a t-shirt. She actually went out, thought about what I would like, looked for it, and bought it for me. I know that doesn't exactly sound like a herculean task, but you didn't know Kara....or maybe you do by now. Still have the t-shirt...

What I do remember vividly is the intense, passionate, sweaty sex by candlelight that we had in her bedroom for hours on end that night, while her family was right in the next room recovering from Christmas dinner. That one gave 1983 a good run for it's money...

And the next year was with Maria, and it wasn't too long ago that I talked about that, but what I remember most is taking her home to meet my family, and my mom pulling me aside, grabbing me by the arm, and saying "You better not let this one go!"; Kara had shaken mom up bad, you see...

I also remember that i couldn't think of anything to buy for Maria, so I fell back on the old leather jacket trick that had worked so well with Gloria. She appreciated the gesture, but it wasn't really her style, and I seriously doubt she ever wore the damn thing. Why in the hell can I not remember what any of these girls got me for Christmas?

After Maria...it was a couple of years before I had another relationship that was going on during the holidays. This time, it was the first year that Veronica & I spent together as a semi-couple. I don't really think I had even commited to being her actual 'boyfriend' at that point, and in any case, I knew that I couldn't get her anything too nice, because Veronica was not only crazy about me...she was also just plain crazy, and I didn't want to make too much of a statement.

So, in the end, I figured lingerie was a safe bet; it was romantic, but it was also dirty, too, so it couldn't be all that serious & heavy. And, I have to admit, since she usually dressed very conservatively, I really wanted to see her in it. I remember she came over a day or two before Christmas, and all my idiot friends had just come home from college for the holidays on the same afternoon, so I shoved them upstairs & locked the door to give her the gift. She loved it & went into the bathroom to throw it on right away.

Veronica was a very, very shy & insecure girl, but she could cut loose & feel sexy when she was comfortable enough, and I remember her walking out of the bathroom, looking like she was trying to run & hide and be sexy all at once...and it was very cute. It didn't hurt that she had an amazing body, and.....alright, I just realized that all these stories are starting to end up with me having sex with the girl & forgetting what she got me, and I promise, that's not the case most of the time...I swear! It is what happened again in this particular case, but I'm standing by that statement...

The next year, Veronica was there again...sort of. It's a long story that I'll get to one day, but we had actually just broken up a few days before Christmas, so we didn't really spend it together. Instead, I ended up housesitting for Jerry while he & his then-wife went away for the holidays. Because I was staying at Jerry's house, and because Jerry is Roxanne's brother, Veronica became convinced that the reason I had broken up with her (which was, in reality, a long argument we had about the very different opinions we had about our futures, our beliefs, and our desire for children...all of which were found to be completely incompatible with one another) was that Roxanne was actually in town (she was working in another state at that time) and I was actually conspiring to spent the holidays alone with her at Jerry's house in some kind of Santa-Caligula scenario of her own invention. Never mind the fact that Roxanne was not in town, was, in fact, dating someone else, and had only spoken to me a handful of times in over 2 years.

So, what Veronica did was....well, I hesitate to even get into it right now. Basically, she flipped out, had one of her 'episodes' (that, if you stick around, I'm sure you'll get to know well), and caused me to have the single worst Christmas (and possibly worst day period, up to that point) of my life. In fact, what she did was so insane, that, unless I were to start the whole story from the beginning, there's no way it would even make any sense in any context you guys have. You'll hear it before long, but just know that it was not a fun Christmas that year...at all.

The next year, I was single during Christmas, Veronica & I having broken up (again...after another breakup & reconciliation or two in between) in the fall. But there was something that happened that I should probably talk about. You see, there was this girl; her name was...Jenna; that'll do, I guess. To put it bluntly, in terms you guys will understand, Jenna was Alan's version of Kara. Yes, that Alan, one of my dearest friends. Now, before you start yelling at me, I didn't touch her! I promise...not at all. In fact, after everything that happened with Kara, my friends & I drew up a very strict set of rules concerning the dating of each others girlfriends; specifically, that it was not allowed, save without express permission. We all agreed to abide by the rules, and, for the most part, we always have, and so did I with Jenna. And trust me, if you knew Jenna, you'd be damned proud of me for saying that.

Alan & Jenna had met about 2 years before, and had dated until just a few months previous. They had met after he & Mindy had broken up, and from the moment he met her, Alan was different than I had ever seen him before...or since. The only thing I can really compare it to was me & Kara; it was that intense between the two of them. Only thing was, Jenna was sane. Not only was she sane, she was a swimsuit model, she was pre-med, she came from a weathly family, she had a great sense of humor, she was a blast to be around, and she was one of the single most beautiful girls that you could ever hope to see in your life. She & Alan got along great, and things looked bright for the two of them....until she got pregnant.

Alan, love him though I do, has never been the most...responsible guy in the past when it comes to sex. The guy knew that he was extremely fertile...he had already paid for three abortions by the time he was 23 years old, and I knew girls who wouldn't even sit across a table from him for fear of getting knocked up. But, still, something went wrong one day & Jenna wound up pregnant.

Both of them were Catholic, but Alan wasn't exactly an altar boy (actually, he was an altar boy, but you know what I mean), and he was not opposed to another abortion, if that's what Jenna wanted. Jenna was even more devout than Alan, and she wrestled with the whole dillema like nobody I had ever seen; the poor girl was just completely torn over what to do, and she & I became very close during this time. I tried to be there for the both of them as best I could, but when Jenna was mad at Alan, I would be the one she would call to talk about it.

Eventually, she decided that she wanted to have an abortion. She was scared, angry, and confused, but she knew she wasn't ready for a child, so she & Alan made the arrangements. She came through just fine, and the two of them tried the best they could to get past it & move on with their lives, and, for a while, they almost did....until she got pregnant again.

This time, she had been on birth control, and they had been extra careful, but somehow his super-sperm got through & it happened again. Alan wanted to marry her, but poor Jenna just lost it; she couldn't believe this had happened to her again, and she understandably flipped out. They decided to have another abortion, and Jenna was terrified that it would ruin her chances of having children in the future. She & Alan were still technically together, but we all knew the relationship wouldn't survive this one.

Alan & she began to fight constantly, and it got uglier & uglier. She called me up crying almost nightly, and it seemed like every day something else horrible would happen between them. Alan was devastated, too. He's never been very good at expressing his emotions, but I know he was just totally clueless as to what to do, and I probably would have been, too. I honestly did everything I could to try and keep them together, because I loved the two of them so much, but in the end, it didn't survive that second incident.

Alan eventually got over it...a lot quicker than I would have...and Jenna & I remained friends. During this time, Alan went back to school & met the girl he would eventually marry, Jenna went off to medical school, and I ended up dating Veronica. But, that Christmas, Jenna was home for the holidays, and one night, she came over to see me.

Jenna & I had hung out hundreds of times before, with other people or by ourselves, and though she was perhaps one of the most desirable women any of us had ever seen, my mind had never once wandered beyond the boundaries of the Rules; Jenna had been Alan's girlfriend...more so, she had been Alan's Kara...and therefore she was off limits forevermore...no questions asked. We were good friends & that was all I had ever even considered being. So, it really fucked my world up when she told me that night that she was in love with me...


...and it's almost 5 a.m. on Christmas morning, so that means cliffhanger time. I'll pick it up later today, I promise...


Merry Christmas, everybody!!!