Thursday, August 17, 2006

Seperate Ways (Worlds Apart)

Well, since I'm leaving for the shoot today, I had planned on just making a quick 'goodbye, wish me luck' post....and then I woke up this morning, went to my 8:00 meeting at a local coffee shop....and found myself standing in line behind Roxanne & the girl/boyfriend. Ya, I know; that's what I said, too...

I mean, even for me, those are crazy 1-in-a-million odds. I'm leaving town in like 8 hours, and it's as if fate itself woke up drunk this morning & said "Oh yeah, here...ya forgot THIS!". First time I had spoken to her in 3 months...and it was short & awkward as always, with the feel of the boy/girlfriend's eyes boring through the back of my skull the whole time. We talked about her mom, whom I heard had been ill recently, and then I told her that I was leaving today to go do the movie. She smiled politely & just said 'that's great; good luck'. Then I went to my table (where the guys I was meeting with had already been ogling her all morning before I got there), and she went to hers. She didn't say goodbye to me when she left a little while later.

Even as awkward & quiet as our interactions always are nowadays, she seemed even more reserved than usual this time, and I can't help but think it has something to do with the rift between her brother & I. Who knows.

And she looked just...gorgeous. At eight-o-fucking-clock in the morning, she could have stopped traffic a mile away. I'm honestly not sure I've ever seen her look so good, and that's saying something.

So, here I stand, having spent the past year trying to work past all this stuff, about to embark upon the biggest adventure of my life, proud of myself & excited for the first time ingod knows how long, looking forward to the future & enjoying the present....and then, out of the blue, there she is.

And I don't care.

Stop clapping; it's not what you think...I mean, I care. I still love her & I always will; but my life doesn't revolve around that fact anymore. For once, I'm out here doing something for me, and not her. I have a life to live, and she apparently has hers; I saw a glimpse of it this morning. And yes, I'm here writing about it now & thinking about it here now...but this is where I'm going to leave it, here on the page. it's not coming with me this time. I got stuff to do. And I don't even have any more time to waste writing about it.

See you guys in a month, and wish me luck. I gotta hit the road...

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

What a Long, Strange, Trip it's Been...

Hi. Miss me? Don't answer that....

Anyway, the answer is no; I haven't left the country, or been in prison, or died, or found a girlfriend, or anything exciting like that. Yes, I did say a while back that I was getting a little weary of dwelling on the past all the time, and I guess I still am, but that's not really what's been keeping me away, either. No....the real answer is that I've been trying to be...brace yourselves...responsible.

Over the last month or so, pre-production on the movie I'm directing has shifted into high gear (or if there is a gear higher than high, then it's shifted into that one). I've been working on it literally around-the-clock, mostly out of town, or out of the house at the very least, and I've had precious little time to think, much less blog. I've even had to relinquish my actual paying writing gigs; I simply haven't had the time to get them done. And, although I've truly missed hearing from all of you on all the various misadventures that have been my life, I knew that the amount of time that I used to afford this blog (which was considerable for one as lazy as me) was simply better spent concentrating on what is undoubtebly the biggest opportunity I've ever had in my life.

I still have a hard time believing that this thing is actually happening; I've really only just wrapped my head around that fact in the last several weeks. But it is a big way...and it's all up me now to make it happen right. Well, not all up to me; there are other people involved (thank god), but I have more responsibility on my shoulders now than I've ever had...people literally have their entire fortunes riding on me right now, and it's getting pretty heavy. In fact, as I sit here pouring all this out, I find myself surprised that I haven't been blogging about it; this is pretty therapudic...I guess I've just forgotten how much. We start shooting in just 4 short weeks, and the pressure is really starting to become overwhelming. I just hope I can pull it off...

For basically all of June & July, I had nightly panic attacks (not literally, but close) about the script; it just wasn't as good as I knew we needed to make it, and it took almost 2 months of hardcore wrangling & wrestling with the writer to get it into a shape that I felt comfortable with. It's still not 100% there, in my opinion, but it's what we've got, and I'll have to make it the best I can with what I have to work with. I always imagined my first big picture would be one that I'd written myself, and could have more control over, but I'm not sure I would have been any less nervous about it had that been the case. Then, a few weeks ago, we started having some huge personality clashes between some important members of our crew, and both the producer & I lost many nights of sleep wondering how to handle the situation; who to fire, who to keep, what to do in general...and truthfully, I'm not completely satisfied with some of the folks we've decided to go with, but there's nothing I can do about it now but to hope that everyone is able to play nice together & that the film isn't brought down by too much behind-the-scenes drama. I'm doing a lot of hoping lately...which I guess some would consider a step in the right direction for me, whatever the reason.

And to top it all off, I've actually had to get...horror of horrors...a cell phone (god, just typing it makes me cringe). It was totally forced upon me by my producing partner, and I told him that I knew it was expensive, and I knew it was important that I had one, and that I appreciated it very much...and that I would really, really try with all my heart not to throw this one out the car window at 75 MPH...really. So far, so good. It helps that I was able to set Tubular Bells as my ringtone...

So, that's why I've been gone, and what I've been doing. And I can't honestly say how often I'll be able to be back until it's all over & done with...sometime around the first of October. At which time, I'll either be the happiest guy on the block, or wind up drinking my sorrows away in the nearest alley...and we all know how well I handle alcohol. I've tossed around the idea of making a blog to chronicle the making of the movie, but 1. I'm not sure I'd ever have the time to write in it, and 2. that would require me to reveal my secret identity...but I'm not so sure that's such a big deal to me anymore. Reason being, all the stuff & all the people in my past that I've been hiding from simply doesn't bother me all that much nowadays. Maybe that's just because I haven't had a spare moment to worry about such things, but whatever the reason, it's felt pretty good.

I haven't spoken to or heard from Roxanne (boy, it has been a while since I've blogged; I almost typed her real name) in over 2 months now, and honestly, I really haven't thought much about it, either. I have no idea what she's up to, or who she's up to it with...although I doubt anything has changed in that department. For the record, her brother Jerry & I haven't talked since our little falling out, either...and I'm almost ashamed to say that my life has been much less stressful, at least on that front, ever since. Sometimes you just gotta let things go (yes, that was me that you just heard say that). In a lot of ways, this project accomplished more than I ever thought it would.

My mom finally bought herself a little house down the road, and my long-lost little sister is now back in my life proper, and doing very well. In fact, she's freakin' amazing; she's the smartest, prettiest, most well-adjusted kid you could ever meet, especially considering all that she's been through, which is considerable. We hit it off right away, and it was like we'd never been apart for five minutes. her mom is still stable, and although they're still having a lot of financial troubles, I've been helping them all I can, and my other sister has, as well. I'm thrilled that I have a little sister again, and the only bad thing about it is that now I realize just what a wonderful person's life that I missed out on all those years that she was gone. Thankfully, we have a lifetime to make up for it.

Alan & his wife had the baby a few weeks ago, and she was healthy as a horse & the cutest little thing you ever saw. Alan & I didn't get the name we wanted for her (his wife vetoed it for some ridiculous reasons that we'll never understand), but we at least got the same initials, which is what we planned to refer to her by anyway, so that's all good.

Lanie is still...Lanie, but she's doing well, and is finally over her ex-boyfriend, after months of pining & whining that made even me weary. To give herself something to focus on, she's now dedicating herself to the imminately attainable task of saving the life of every single goddamn stray cat on the planet, so if you see one hanging around outside your house that looks hungry, call her...she'll drive right over. And then she'll probably bring it over here. And make me sneeze. Again.

The rest of the idiot friends are all pretty much ok, too. Pete hasn't left his house in about 3 months, ever since he got World of Warcraft for a birthday present from our other friend Barry, who hasn't left his house in about six months.. Ted is going to be doing some of the music for the movie, as he's a phenomenal blues guitarist, so we've been working closely on that. My younger brother wrapped his beautiful '83 Skylark around a telephone pole while driving home drunk one night, so things are par for the course with him, too. All in all, it's pretty much the same ol' song....I just haven't had as much time to listen to it anymore.

And, of course, there was Superman. What can I say that hasn't been said already. I'm getting all vechlempt just thinking about it...

And to all my friends out there in blogland; I miss you all & I'm sorry that I haven't been able to keep up with any of you or your written lives like I'd like to. Frankie, Jamy, Brooklyn, Chica, Manda, Pro-Divorce, Bibliotecha, Paige, Charlotte, Vegas, Painkey, Pookalu, Mazer....and everybody else; I love you all & hope you've been doing fantastic...really & truly. Don't think I haven't thought about ya', 'cus I have, and I do so often. And, actually, I have kept up with most of you the best I can, even if you haven't known it.

But, for now at least, I have to leave you all with a certain amount of uncertainly (that would be a great album title...if people still made albums); I'll be around, but I'll also be pretty distracted for the next month or two. I leave town for good in a couple of weeks, and I'll be gone through the rest of August & all of September. I do most definitely plan to continue blogging when I get back, and maybe even while I'm gone if I have the chance, but I can't really say how prolific I'll be while I'm so focused on other things. If I screw this film up, I'll be...well, screwed, so for now, I'm going to have to concentrate on the task at hand.

So, that brings us to here...the uncertain future of the Ex-Boyfriend. I'm honestly more nervous than I've ever been in my life...or at least since the night I woke up and found that note from Kara on my roommate's bathroom mirror. And this time, I can't just try to fix it all by running away to the mountains. I'm about to have one of my dreams finally come true, but in the dream, it was always easy...this has been harder so far than I ever would have imagined. But I'll pull it off...somehow. I think. I hope. And when it's all over & done, the drinks are on me...even if I just have a soda.

Anyway, I gotta quit rambling & get to bed at a decent hour (still not used to that yet), but I guess I just wanted to drop in & say hi....and to tell everyone thanks for sticking around. I'll try not to be gone too long, but who knows what will happen. Oh, and for anyone dying of suspense because I never finished the J.C. story, I'll just spoil it for ya': we broke up. Now pick your jaws up off the floor & move on...I'm trying to.

Love ya' back soon!