Monday, September 29, 2008

Damned if I do...

So a couple more days went by; I still hadn't written her back. I was still too overwhelmed to get my thoughts in any kind of order. A few days later, I got this:

>you never responded to my last msg.

So I did...and the floodgates opened again. I wrote:

> I know...I didn't. I guess I feel like I've heard
> you say all those things before...all the reasons
> why things are so difficult now. Trust me, I know
> them. I also know that the course we took was
> probably...maybe..the best one to take at the time,
> but I'm still not sure. I still know I'd do it all
> differently if I had it over again, but you know
> that, too.
> I've been thinking about you a lot lately; this past
> weekend I couldn't think of much else, and I had to
> stop myself & shake myself back into reality a
> couple of times. I'm not saying that to scare you &
> I hope it doesn't, but I guess it just says a
> lot...how easily you can still occupy my thoughts.
> The last time I saw you...do you remember it? (this entry), I
> really, really tried to take it all as some kind of
> sign...that I was going to be ok & that life goes
> on. After all, what are the odds of me being in a
> coffee shop at 9 in the morning, on the very day I
> was to leave for the movie, no less. And there you
> were...I remember hearing your voice while I was at
> the counter, and knowing it was you before I ever
> turned around...and I remember exactly what you
> looked like, and how I stood there with coffee
> running down my hand from where I'd sloshed a little
> out the side but I didn't want to wipe it up & I
> hoped you wouldn't notice. I remember you seemed
> like you were disappointed in me for what was going
> on between me & your brother, and how much it still
> stung me to know that I was somehow making you
> unhappy with yet another of my actions. And I
> remember leaving that day & telling myself that it
> was some sort of final test that the universe was
> putting me through, to see if I was man
> enough to go do what I needed to do to follow my
> dreams....until I remembered later that I don't
> believe in that kind of stuff. or maybe I do...I
> dunno sometimes. I know I believe in you....
> I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say now, I
> guess I'm just trying to put everything in
> perspective. I don't have any idea what your
> day-to-day life is like or how you're getting along
> in your relationship, but I'm hard-pressed to argue
> with anything that's made it easier for us to talk
> to each other (or whatever it is we do).
> [Annette] doesn't think anything about you, that I know
> of. She knows who you are, of course, but she
> doesn't know all the long history & I'm not really
> convinced that she should. I know she trusts me &
> that she knows I would never do anything to betray
> that, and I wouldn't, but she knows I had a life
> before, and that you were part of that. I don't
> think she'd react like [the boy/girlfriend] about us talking, but
> then again, [the boy/girlfriend] might have more reason to react
> that way. I have to say, though...the statute of
> limitations on her attitude has to be running out
> quickly; you can be jealous for a year or
> two...fine, but at what point is she going to be
> secure enough with your relationship to not feel
> that way? And if she's not, is that really what's
> making her feel that way? And why is it?
> In any case, I'm just really glad that I've been
> able to communicate with you again. I have no idea
> what the future holds, but I'd like the present to
> hold the promise of us at least letting some of our
> guard down & accepting the fact that we are still
> important to each other....to say the least. I don't
> care how it sounds, but there's always a hole in my
> life when you're not in it. I've tried to get used
> to it before, but it's always there...unless you're
> here. I could write & write to you all night, but I
> think I'll stop now....I'm getting better at
> quitting while I'm ahead.
>
> Love always...always.
> -[x]


The next day:

> i remember
> that day well. i remember that you looked
> good. i knew what you were about to do, thanks to
> my spies
> and jerry. i was proud. i remember thinking,
> finally he's really gonna direct! i remember feeling
> awkward. it was early and you were out! i know i
> came
> down a little hard on you that morning about jerry,
> but he IS my brother. mostly i felt proud of you,
> but
> i couldnt really show you that. over the years since
> we broke up when i see you i instantly feel
> protective of myself. stupid, i know, as you have
> beat
> yourself up for hurting me more than i ever could.
> i am glad [Annette] isnt the jealous type.[the boy/girlfriend] is
> insecure, it's true. i seem to draw the insecure to
> me. i also attract those that detest change.
> interesting, since resiliance and adaptability are
> strengths of mine. [the boy/girlfriend] HAS become more secure over
> the years. she has abandonment issues from her
> childhood. i know you're thinking 'blah, blah,
> blah',
> but i'm just telling it like it is. her jealousy has
> certainly wained over the years. she trusts me, and
> i
> felt it appropriate to limit contact with you, as
> she
> knew how deep my feelings for you have always been.
> there is nothing going on right now to change that.
> things in my daily life are truly terrific and
> happy.
> for some reason this time
> i just felt the flood gates open and went
> with
> my need to communicate with you, right or wrong.
> i wonder about your life. i wonder how things in it
> are going. i must admit it makes me smile
> to
> think you are marrying a musical theatre performer!
> it
> also makes me jealous, and i am certain she is
> better
> than me, more talented, more beautiful, whatever.
> (PS:
> jerry thinks she looks like kara, buti think she looks
> like kelly clarkson, and i know
> you
> love kelly clarkson) [EDITORS NOTE: neither Annette or Kara resemble Kelly Clarkson in any way, shape or form other than they're all hot...dunno where she gets this]
> i am jealous because she gets
> to
> know your friends and go on vacations and BE a
> couple
> with you, which i never got to do with you. i am
> scared to death i will run into [Annette] at an audition,
> or get cast in a show with her. i feel better
> knowing
> she doesnt think of me as 'the one who got away' and
> isnt the jealous type, but every time [someone]
> mentions
> you two i wanna slap her.
> i am very lucky to have [the boy/girlfriend] in my life. she takes
> great care of me. and i get to perform alot, even if
> it is for peanuts. i feel like i have so much ahead
> of
> me.
> i'm sorry, it's early in the morning and i am
> rambling
> on and on. i am not sure my brain is fully awake, but i
> like that we're 'talking'.

I liked that we were talking, too...even though I was technically doing it behind Annette's back...that hadn't escaped me. but what was I doing, exactly? I wasn't cheating on her; I wasn't scheming to get back together with Roxanne behind her back. I know that it would have killed me if I had found Annette saying the same kind of things to somebody else, but...fuck...what was I supposed to do? What would you do?

I just tried to do the right thing, be true to myself, and to not ruin anyone else's life, which is a habit I've been trying really hard to break for a long time. There was a part of me that wanted more than anything to leap through the crack in the door that Roxanne had opened & try to win her back once & for all, all others be damned...but, even though things with Annette weren't exactly storybook-worthy by then, there was another part of me that still felt like this might be some sort of test from the universe (you know, those kinds of things that I don't believe in & yet still allow to fuck up my shit) that I was supposed to rise above & do the honorable thing. So, that's what I did.

Only thing is, now, I realize that the truly honorable thing would have been to simply follow my heart; tell Annette the truth, end it before she could get hurt, and grab hold of the opportunity Roxanne had presented me with, never to let it go again...but I didn't.

And so, that's how it went for a while. Annette & I went on growing aprt slowly but surely, and Roxanne & I kept talking; less intimately, but just as frequently. For a while. About a month or so later, problems started to develop. Not with us, but with her brother, Jerry.

Jerry, one of my best friends in the world, is a beautiful but troubled soul. I'm sure I've mentioned much about it before. He has struggled with drug, alcohol, anger, and emotional issues all his life, and for the past few years, they had been coming to a head. Last fall, after a horribly failed relationship & a series of other setbacks, Jerry hit rock-bottom. Roxanne & I, being two of the closest people in his life, were, or course, drawn deeply into the situation together. And that's when things sorta got weird again...

4 Comments:

Blogger D recalled...

*sigh*

I'm not sure I agree with some of your "shoulda coulda" feelings (about leaving Annette sooner). I think that relationship had to play out and it doesn't sound like there is much need for large amounts of remorse by the way it ended. At any rate, your last few entries have me wrestling with my own issues about continued contact with people without any major intent, and why I continue to do it (with some, and not with others) as well.

Human nature to hold on? I'm not convinced.

Monday, September 29, 2008 3:21:00 PM  
Blogger Rob recalled...

Since as newborns grasping that first finger, to as adults grasping and holding on to our emotions, letting go seems only unnatural. I think it instinctual. A way to survive. A way to relive past moments and rekindle our faith that life gets better sometimes. Maybe another way of resetting a standard. I don't know. Roxanne wants to keep the relationship at a friendship level. You seem insecure about what she's laid on the table. Not to fret. Let it be. You both shared good times. Don't be a afraid of a little risk.

Thursday, October 02, 2008 1:37:00 AM  
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