Wednesday, September 24, 2008

True Confessions

So, yeah. After the whirlwind of the previous year, and after all my steps taken towards semi-closure (wanted or unwanted), and almost a year into my new relationship with the woman I will supposedly marry...after all that (not to mention the better part of 2 decades), she finally says it. Then I get this:

>i'm sorry. i probably shouldnt have sent that last
>email. i probably should have kept it to myself.

I didn't know what the hell to say or do. I knew what I should do (nothing), I knew what I could do (probably nothing), and I knew what I wanted to do in my gut (something). I took a while to answer. I said:

> Dont have any alone time to write back today, but i
> will later. Thank you.....

>i completely understand, and appreciate you telling
>me, or i would be worried sick that i had said too
>much if i didnt hear back from you.

Couple o' days went by; I didn't have time to write her with Anette around, and I still wasn't sure what I should say. I figured that, just like everything else I do, I had to just sit down & see what came out. So I wrote:

> > Don't you dare be sorry...
> >
> > Timing. That's all I kept telling myself all
> these
> > years, too. I've never had good timing, I'd be a
> bad
> > comedian. You have to know I still wonder about us
> > all the time...and how things might have been if I
> > was able to be the man then that I am now, and did
> > what I knew I was supposed to. The last few years
> > would have been so, so different, one way or
> > another.
> > Now, here we are, and part of me just wants to
> grab
> > you & shake you & ask why you couldn't have just
> > said those words to me a few months ago, or a few
> > years ago...or anytime, when you know how badly
> I've
> > always wanted to hear them. And another part of me
> > wants to just hug you, and try to laugh at it the
> > irony of it all...
> >
> > It would be so nice to have the last couple of
> > decades & all we've been through finally all make
> > sense somehow, wouldn't it?
> >
> > I have no idea where my life is going to take
> > me....I think I'm trying to make better choices
> now
> > & some of them seem to be working, but who knows.
> I
> > know that if I ever thought the hell do
> I
> > say this.....well, maybe i just wont say that
> > part...but I do know what i've always known; that
> if
> > we ever had the chance, through whatever
> > circumstance, to start over, that I would do just
> > what i told you before...I would never let you go
> > again. Timing can suck it.
> >
> > I don't know if I should feel bad saying that, but
> > it's nothing I haven't said before, and nothing
> has
> > changed about it. I guess the fact just remains
> > that, while there are certainly some other
> wonderful
> > people in the world, and while we both might be
> able
> > to find some kind of happiness elsewhere, without
> > you, I'll always feel like I'm just settling for
> > something...just like I always have. Now I should
> > probably be the one who's sorry....

And I was. I felt bad...really bad, for the first time in my relationship with Annette. I had my suspicions already on whether she & I were going to make it or not, but it was at that moment when I knew exactly what was going to happen; I knew that I wasn't in love with her. And it wasn't just because of least I don't thinkit was. It was more the fact that, if I really was in love with her in the first place, I wouldn't even have been having that conversation with Roxanne. Which I was. I wasn't gonna do anything about it; I wasn't gonna do the right thing, and follow my heart, and take the opportunity that I had been waiting years for & thought that I would surely never have again. No, I was gonna do the honorable thing...the thing I had committed myself to...the thing that is every man's duty at one time or another: stay in a relationship that you aren't happy in out of some sort of misplaced sense of duty or responsibility.

Besides, it wasn't really an invitation to the dance, exactly. Sure, she finally voiced her feelings about me again after all these years, but she's done that in roundablout ways before, and it really wasn't a huge shock...other than being huge & shocking. But she did say IF we were to find ourselves single again, THEN yadda yadda yadda...and neither one of us were anywhere close to single at that moment.

So, I said what I said & I waited for her response, which was this:

> neither of
> us should be sorry.
> dont shake me and ask me why... you know why:
> timing.
> it didnt work because we werent ready. selfishly, i
> am
> glad to know you still feel this way. part of me
> assumed you didnt anymore. [EDITORS NOTE: WHAT THE FUCK??]
> obviously the choices you
> have been making ARE working for you, on many
> levels.
> you have a beautiful fiance and a career that is
> going
> really well. me too, i have great things in my life
> too. everything happens the way it is supposed to, i
> really believe that. i couldnt say those words to
> you
> at another time because i wasnt supposed to. i was
> very angry with you for a long time. but as i have
> watched you grow, at a distance, i have been so
> proud
> and i cant be angry through my pride. you did the
> best
> you could at the time.
> i only hope you are truly happy. i am genuinely
> pleased that you stopped waiting for me and allowed
> love into your life. i hope she is good to you, and
> lets you be you. i hope journey songs are
> featured
> prominently at your wedding and she gives you a
> whole
> wing of the house you will share together to hang up
> your movie posters.
> we tried... several times. and we are better
> people
> for it. who knows what will befall us in the next 50
> years. i have limited my contact with you the last
> few
> years because of my own anger and because [censored] gets
> jealous of you. rightly so, she was my friend when
> we
> were together. she heard how head over heals i was,
> and ulimately, how heartbroken i became. i
> understand
> her jealousy. i can only imagine what [Annette] must feel
> about me. but, that being said, you have never left
> my
> heart or my thoughts. and undoubtedly you never
> will.

So the night I got that reply from her, I was reading it on my laptop, lying in bed, while Annette was in the shower. I heard her coming toward the room & knew that I couldn't let her see me crying...there'd be no good way to explain that. So I closed the lid of the computer quickly & quietly, wiped my eyes with my sleeve, flipped over on my stomach & pretended to be asleep. A few hours later, I actually got there.


Blogger D recalled...

Wow. This entry changed my opinion on Roxanne but I don't think you're ready to hear it.

I've had that same feeling you had, where you all of a sudden realize that everything is NOT what you thought it was.


I've missed you.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 8:38:00 AM  
Blogger Librariann recalled...

It kind of changed mine a little bit too. It also really explained the wasting time comment. So I have a question. Do you think you were doing the honorable thing with Annette or the easiest/safest thing? Don't get me wrong. I am not judging. You seem to have a better grasp on your motives than a lot of guys--or at least you are more conscious of them. Didn't you also keep returning to Veronica out of misplaced sense of responsibility? When you are alone because you want another, is that wasting time? Or is it only wasting time being with the wrong person? It is certainly wasting their time. Regardless, you learn and you move on. However, you do have to keep reminding yourself that you DESERVE to be happy--and then act accordingly.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 10:37:00 AM  
Blogger Jaded recalled...

I just wonder if this elusive relationship with Roxanne really could exist, or if you're just both mourning the loss of what might have been but never was. Maybe you keep going back to each other in an effort to see if that "thing" really could exist, since you haven't yet found it with anyone else. I just think there's too much to lose by holding onto the past and things that might have been. There are reasons that things with Roxanne didn't ever work out that go far beyond just simple timing issues. But, only you and she can know for sure. I hope you took it slowly enough to figure it out and didn't just jump back into it with both feet. You're both a little different now, so you need time to get to know each other as you exist now, not as you were way back. Bottom line is that only you can decide what's best for you. I hope it's all working out the way you want it to.

Friday, September 26, 2008 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger Ophelia recalled...

So very glad that you're writing again!
As I reacquaint myself with your story, I find myself looking at your tale with fresh eyes. The recent dissolution of my own marriage has caused me to do that with a lot of things.
I think everyone has been in your shoes at one time or another. There is always that "one that got away" and you always wonder what might have been.
I've come to the conclusion that those people are there for a reason. Some were meant to be the one but that whole timing thing got in the way. Some were meant to be nothing more than reminders of how we used to be, how we used to feel and what it felt like to really feel.
No one but Roxanne and yourself can determine which one this is. It took a lot of stops and starts over the years for me to realize that my male version of Roxanne was the kind that was never meant to be but I'm a much better person for it. I've never forgotten the lessons learned from him or the feelings that he was able to make me feel.
I give you this one piece of advice that has kept me going throughout the years: "Sometimes a memory only sees what it wants to believe/And what's filled in between are days and nights that don't mean a thing"

You have nothing to lose if this works out in your favor. You have everything to gain if it does.

Keep on writing!!!

Friday, September 26, 2008 7:52:00 PM  
Blogger Rob recalled...

No two loves are alike, no two deaths, and no two losses: these are paths we travel alone. -May Sarton

Saturday, September 27, 2008 2:46:00 AM  
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