Behind the Lines

So...it's been a month now.

The house is still a wreck 'cus I haven't had a lot of time to get it back in order. The first time I went to hang one of my pictures back up in the living room, I found that she had taken my hammer by accident. I did it with a shoe. But, it's my place again...same as it ever was.

I have no idea how to try and condense the last 2 years into a few hundred words...that probably won't happen for a while. I've already talked about why it didn't work out, and that's about the long and short of things. I'm sure there were several amusing anecdotes I could relate, but frankly, I'd feel like I was making light of things if I did that right now, so I wont. It's done & that's that.

I'm doing ok, thanks for asking. I've had my moments, but overall things have been pretty good. It's weird though; this is the first mutually agreed-upon, organic breakup I've had in....well, since Maria, I suppose...and my psyche is obviously not used to it. After years upon years of hardcore breakup drama after drama, I've been having some trouble handling the lack of it in this case. It's like I have a little John Lovitz on one shoulder wearing a red suit & poking me with a pitchfork, going "What are you waiting for...freak out! Do something stupid!", and It's strange to me. Still...it's sad, but I'm ok, and I think she is, too. She's definitely going to be a lot happier than she was here with me, and she deserves that. I just don't like change.

Speaking of which...

(deep breath)

About 6 months after Annette & I moved in together, Roxanne & I started talking again. I honestly can't remember who made contact first, but I'm pretty sure it was her. In fact, I know it was...she sent me an e-mail congradulating me on my, um, engagement. At that point, her brother Jerry & I had not been speaking for several months, and I took the opportunity to ask her how he was doing. We started talking about him & struck up a fairly regular correspondence for a while. We skirted around talking about any actual issues, but it was pretty obvious that we were glad to be talking to each other again.

Yeah, I know...the irony. After all these years, she decides to open up the lines of communication just as I find myself in a serious relationship. I didn't know what to make of it, but I did know one thing; I was going to keep myself well in check. I had made a commitment, and I was determined to honor it for better or worse (although I was already pretty aware that it was the latter by that time), and I wasn't going to let my past derial my future yet again.

At first, I thought that maybe Roxanne now felt 'safe' with me, now that I was engaged; that she just missed our friendship & saw this as a chance to get that back without having to worry about, well, stuff. I didn't really buy that, especially once I realized that she was still keeping our communication a secret from her partner. Not that I'm one to talk...so was I.

In any case, I was glad to be talking to her again, of course. I hadn't had much luck having satisfying conversations with Annette yet, and if there was ever anything that Roxanne & I did well, it was talk. The setup was pretty perfect: Annette worked during the day, I worked at home, and Roxanne was working as a receptionist with nothing much to do all day 'cept talk to me. Still, it remained pretty innocent...if a little awkward sometimes because of it.

Right around that time, we were getting ready to have a local premiere for my film. I sent out a mass invite to all my peoples and included her on the list. I didn't think for a second she would come, but I felt I should at least ask. Included in the email was my phone number, which, until that point, she didn't have.

Anyway, she didn't show up for the premiere. Not that I looked or anything...

About a month later, I was on the phone with Elaine, pulling into a parking space at my local Target, when I got a call on the other line. I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer it. After I got off the phone, I saw that whomever it was had not left a message. I normally wouldn't have thought twice about it, but for some reason that day I was curious. I called the number. I got Roxanne's voicemail.

I didn't leave a message; I was too surprised. Instead, I took a minute to think, and I did something that I had only done once or twice before in my life up to that point: I sent her a text message. I said something like "I can't believe you call me for the first time in five years & I missed it. Call back anytime." She didn't. I wondered about it for a day or two, but things were busy, so I moved on.

I didn't hear from her for about a week. Then, an email:

>sorry.
> i shouldnt have called you. you gave me your number
> and curiousity got the better of me.

My response:

>It's ok....but curiosity about what?

>i dunno, lots of things. just wanted to talk to you right
>then. why am I doing
>this?

I'm hesitant. Is she trying to open some door here? I'm not in a position in my life where I could walk through it, even if I wanted to. Careful...

> Because we've been a part of each other's lives for
> over half of it, and 'cus sometimes we miss just
> talking to each other? I'm not sure I
>buy that, but
>it seems like a good, simple reason, right?

>ok, simple enuff.

(2 minutes later)

>but i dont buy it either. ive been thinking about
>you a lot lately. i wonder about you & annette,
> and i sincerely want you to be happy. i want us
>both to be happy, but that doesnt mean i dont
>wonder about us sometimes. am i making any sense?

>I want us both to be happy, also. It took me a long,
>long time, but I finally came to accept the fact that
>you had found someone that made you happy. It's
>too early to know for sure yet, but I may have found
>that as well. Maybe. That doesn't mean I don't
>wonder about
>you. I have for almost 20 years and
>I'm not real good with change,
> as you know. I guess
>it's just weird for me to hear you say...well, whatever
>it is that you're saying. What are you saying?

>you're
> right. i know you're right. we have both found
> people that we are compatible with, that are good to
> us, that really love us. it's true though that we
> will
> always love eachother. i'll admit i think
> about what our life together would have been like if
> we could have made it work. but there is a reason we
> didnt and sometimes i think it always boils down to
> timing for us. your timing, my timing. (sigh) what
> do
> i mean by bringing this up? i have no idea. there is
> a
> reason we didnt work, but i must admit i will always
> wonder what that reason is. (beware of scary
> sentence
> to follow) and IF, for whatever reason, we just FIND
> ourselves organically single again, which of course
> i
> do not expect to happen what with you officially
> getting married and all, but IF that happens, maybe
> we
> should then try again... and see if the timing is
> still off.
> why did i say that? i am not trying to stir
> something
> up, it is just honestly how i am feeling. and what
> was
> rolling around in my head about you last night. i am
> not trying to cause trouble.

Yeah...she said that. Bedtime...more later.