Sunday, October 12, 2008

No time for losers...

So what am I gonna do? Well, as always, things are not as simple as they seem...

When I heard the news that Shawna dropped on me, of course I thought right away that this was indeed my big chance...and I guess I just figured that, if this rumor was really true, then all the work might just be done for me...I'd just have to swoop in there at the end & finally get this thing over with once & for all. In any case, I knew that the only thing I could really do was wait a while, anyway.

What I figured would happen was: Roxanne & Shawna would talk before too long, and Shawna would tell her what she'd seen. Roxanne would be skeptical at first, if only because she so hates change & is so terrified of upsetting the balance of her life that she just wouldn't want to hear it, but that after hearing confirmation from Doug & confronting Laura with it, that the truth - if indeed it was true (which it all but certainly was/is), she'd eventually have to deal with it. Now, how she would deal with it is anyones guess, but I think I could influence things there given the opportunity.

I didn't know how soon any of this could happen, though...after all, Roxanne's show ran for the next six weeks straight. That means she'd have about 2 hours total of free time per day, and no matter what was going on, I sure didn't want to see her world turned upside down at such an important time in her life., and nobody else did, either.

Of course, that also meant that Laura was going to have plenty of time over the next month or so to dig her grave even deeper, if that's indeed what she was doing. In fact, it seemed to me that she almost wanted to get caught. After all, why would she have brought Shawna & Doug to her personal hangout where she supposedly conducts her illicit liaisons? I mean, I don't think she's all that bright in the first place, but it just seemed a little funny.

What seemed even stranger was what happened a couple of days after her show opened. 2 nights after I was there for the sneak preview, her whole family, Laura included, had planned to all attend together. Well, apparently at the last minute, Laura decided that she wasn't going to be able to make it because she was going comping instead...and guess who she was going with?

Now, I heard this from Shawna, who heard it from their friend Natasha...and I have no idea if Laura & this girl were the only 2 people going, or if Roxanne knew who was going, or anything. According to her brother, if she was upset about it, she didn't let on at the show (not that she would have, anyway).

But still, I heard nothing.

Next thing I heard was a week or so later...labor day weekend. Jerry had stopped by Roxanne's place to have lunch & came by my house afterward. I still had not told Jerry any of the things that I had learned (I knew that, if something was really going on and, if & when word got to Roxanne, that in no way, shape, or form could I let the news have come from me), so I asked him how the happy lesbians seemed to be doing. He told me that they seemed to be fine, but that Roxanne mentioned that she had a bone to pick with Shawna...because she was allegedly spreading false rumors about Laura having an affair, and Roxanne wanted to set her straight, or something.

I played dumb (something I hated to do with my best friend, but I did anyway), and asked him what was all this about an affair. He told me that Roxanne said it was nothing & he just assumed it was Shawna creating drama again for no reason. But, he found it odd that Shawna would make up some malicious rumor about the SO of her surrogate sister, and odd that Roxanne would even think that Shawna would do that in the first place.

I posited a theory: maybe Roxanne just wanted to talk to Shawna to get the real story, but there in front of Laura, she had to make a show of acting like it was all bogus. Who knows, he said...but if anyone ever cheated on his sister, he was gonna be plenty pissed, and he made that clear. I ached to tell him what had happened in the bar, but I kept my mouth shut still...as I have to this day. I figured it would all come out in the wash.

Finally, the next week, Roxanne called Shawna & asked her if she would meet her for lunch. Shawna said of course, but something was strange...she insisted on meeting at the bar where Laura works. So much for the theory of her wanting to probe Shawna for info.

Shawna agreed to go, of course, but she didn't know what to make of it (and neither did I). She asked me if I thought that maybe Roxanne wanted to ambush her there with Laura around to back her up...or vice/versa. I told her that, yes, it was weird, but that was almost certainly not the case. First of all, that would be manipulative, which Roxanna simply is not. Secondly, I'm sure that, affair or not, the last thing Laura would want is a confrontation where Shawna could spill the beans on her late-night bar disappearance.

I told her that, as far as I can figure it, mostly likely one of two things happened: either Roxanne is so overwhelmed with everything going on in her life right now & so worn out from running herself ragged, that she just wants to make sure that she doesn't have to confront anything right now...she wants to see her friend, but she knows with Laura there, that nothing will come up to rock her boat, and she won't have to deal with it yet.

The second possibility is that, somehow Laura has managed to convince Roxanne that nothing at all shady was going on; that she wasn't having an affair, that Shawna simply misinterpreted what she saw, and that Roxanne has already filed it away & doesn't want to deal with it right now. I hoped it was the former; I worried that it may be the latter...and I still thought that the whole thing was weird, in any case.

And, after they had seen each other, I still don't know, and neither does Shawna...because nothing at all was ever mentioned about it. Roxanne was obviously not upset with Shawna in any way, and they talked like sisters just they way they always do...just not about any of the current events.

So, still not knowing what was going on, I waited. I figured I would give it until her show was over & see what happened. It closed last week. And a couple of days later, so did my window. Maybe...

Roxanne & Jerry went to lunch a day or 2 later, and he - still not knowing what I know - asked Roxanne just what all this affair business was about, anyway.

Well, according to her, it was no big deal. She said that Laura is just a very needy person, and that, with her show going on & everything, Roxanne just didn't have a lot of time to spend with her, so Laura just latched on to this girl for a while...nothing sexual or romantic anything, you understand...she just needs to feel needed & needs her friends close to her. Or some kind of bullshit like that...Jerry didn't really buy it either. So, he pressed her further, and asked her if anything like this has ever happened before.

"Well...", Roxanne said, "there was one thing that happened...about 3 years ago."

Apparently, Laura had what Roxanne described as an "emotional affair" with another girl a few years back. Oh, nothing sexual, you understand...just emotional. It was difficult (and I'm sure that many of our exchanges went on during this time, whenever it was), and they almost didn't make it through it, but eventually she forgave Laura, and they were ok.

Jerry didn't know what to say. He knew that his sister was perhaps the most loving, forgiving person in the world, but he honestly didn't think she would let herself be walked all over like that, and he told her so.

She cut him off quickly, telling him that he couldn't compare this latest incident to the past one, and that everything between them was really going great, and that they were re-doing the living room, and buying a new flat-screen, and yadda yadda yadda....but he didn't really buy it.

And I sure as hell don't...but then again, I can't really trust my instincts when it comes to that, anyway.

So, that's where things stand, as we speak. I don't really know a goddamn thing for sure...other than I'm starting to feel that, no matter what is going on with their life, something, somewhere has got to give.

This thing can't go on much longer. I can't go on like this much longer.

I don't have another 20 years to waste on this. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the waiting & the wondering. I'm tired of the dancing back & forth, and the empty talk that gets us nowhere. I'm tired of trying to move on, and knowing that no other girl I'll meet in my life will ever get a fair shake until this is resolved, one way or another.

I've tried to bury it, I've tried to move past it, I've tried everything but one thing....to man up, take a stand, and actually try and do something about it.

And that's what I have to do...I have to just lay it all on the line for her & see once & for all if this is what's really supposed to happen. I have to present my case, and I have to ask her to choose. I've got to shit or get off the pot.

I don't know if it's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life, or the bravest. I'm pretty sure leaving her in the first place was the dumbest thing, so at least I know it's not that. But I still don't know what's going to happen.

I mean, I'm pretty sure she still loves me...and I'm pretty sure that, if it just came right down to what she wants, I'm pretty sure that she'd go for it...but again, things aren't that simple.

Roxanne is a lot of things, and first and foremost, she's loyal. Loyal too a fault. She has a life that she's built with this girl, and she's heavily dependent upon her, financially. Not that she'd have to worry about that with me, but it'd still be a factor. And i know that she loves her. I don't know that she loves her the same way that she loves me (I could always be wrong), but I don't know that she would ever be able to bring herself to hurt Laura like that, even if it's what she really wanted.

And then there's the issue of me, and my track record. By all accounts, she should never have even spoken to me again...much less give me another chance...a third chance. Yes, I know she finally said that maybe we should try it again one day if we found ourselves single...but she's not single. And again, I don't have another 20 years to wait around for that to happen.

So, here I stand, a man with a mission that I've been preparing myself for for years...and I have no idea how to pull it off. Hell, I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing...I just know that I have to do it, for me if nothing else. Because this is it this time. After Annette & everything else, I know that I have to deal with all this somehow...I either have to finally make it part of my life, or I have to find a life apart from it. Somehow.

Now I just need a plan. Any suggestions would be most welcome....'cus as of right now, I don't have a fuckin' clue...

44 Comments:

Blogger Librariann recalled...

I emailed you some advice--to the gmail account.

Monday, October 13, 2008 8:26:00 PM  
Blogger PrincessMax recalled...

I say put yourself out there and let her know this is the last time. However, do not push the cheating. She doesn't need to associate you with that negative feeling. Just ask her if she sees spending the rest of her life like she's living it now.

Good luck, X. We're always here for you. You've gotten yourself to an emotional place where you know what you want. That's huge progress. Now go get it. Whatever you do, there should definitely be a big cinematic kiss involved.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008 9:07:00 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth recalled...

Dear X-

I've been a fan of yours from day one, and even though I've certainly had my own opinions from time to time, I've only just now felt compelled to write you. Your last few entries have been your best, by far. You've been honest from the start, but you seem changed now...even more open, and it's wonderful and inspiring! You are much stronger now. You appear to have a clear sense of what you desire out of life and what must be done to achieve it. Everyone deserves a chance at their dreams so you MUST tell Roxanne how you feel. I agree you can't keep living in limbo, for lack of a better word, and can't keep living in the "what if's". You do need to lay it all on the line, if only for your own sanity; a clear resolution is necessary. You said it best, "I either have to finally make it part of my life, or I have to find a life apart from it."

I can't offer an opinion on how to go about talking to Roxanne. I know that words are clearly your strong point. I'm in a similar situation to yours and after reading your latest posts thought, "Wow, you were able to put my exact thoughts into such beautiful words." You're truly gifted. In speaking with Roxanne, honesty is key. You need to say everything you've always wanted to and should have because you never know when you'll get the chance again. Leave with no regrets- knowing there is nothing else you could have done/said.

I can't say thank you enough for allowing us all into your life and heart- you've helped me gain insight and inspired me more than you'll know! You truly are "one of the good ones". I'll be thinking of you and wishing nothing but the best. And please, please, please, keep blogging!!...we have to know how things work out with you and Roxanne- you certainly deserve your "happy ending".

Wednesday, October 15, 2008 1:17:00 PM  
Blogger Jaded recalled...

Don't know if there's an easy way to do it, but 100% honesty, raw and real, is always the best policy. Just be prepared that it might not be enough... love can only get you as far as you let it, because it's a big risk. She may choose comfort over risk. Or, she may choose you because you're worth the risk. But whatever the choice, be prepared to live with it and move forward. Nothing worth having comes without a price... just what price are you willing to pay, knowing that nothing might come of it...that's the million dollar question and only YOU can answer it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008 7:58:00 PM  
Blogger J recalled...

I'm so glad you're writing again!! I've missed ya!
I'll chime in with my 2 cents when it's not so far past my bedtime.

Thursday, October 16, 2008 12:35:00 AM  
Blogger BiblioTECHa recalled...

Glad to read your struggles again; they shed light on the tragic/romantic humanity in all of us.

I won't presume to give you advice except this: I am a believer in game time decisions. Your gut will know the right thing to do when the moment arrives. Forget heroic John Cusack boombox moments or long emails. Got with your gut and leave it all on the field.

Good luck1

Saturday, November 01, 2008 9:32:00 PM  
Blogger April recalled...

PLEASE, PLEASE give us an update!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008 9:54:00 AM  
Blogger NYDoll recalled...

This is my first trip here, and I'm absolutely fascinated, spellbound, sympathetic, empathetic all at once.

Speaking from a position of experience, I feel compelled to advise you that if you don't act on this at some point, you will never be truly happy. Sure, you'll probably be able to find and settle down with someone you're reasonably happy with, buy a house with a white picket fence, have 2.5 kids--or whatever the figure is these days--and a dog who drools on your slippers. But you will always, always wonder what could have been.

What could have been presents a serious danger to your reasonably happy life, as there is always, always the possibility that what could have been will turn into what could be. Marriage is a guarantee of absolutely nothing in a situation such as this except that someone will get hurt. It will not protect you from change; it will not prevent the evolution of the relationship that always, always should have been.

Think of it this way: you have not been able to eliminate from your life your romantic feelings for this person. She has not been able to eliminate from her life her feelings for you. Over the years, these mutual feelings have not diminished in any way; rather, they seem to have matured. If you were to choose not to act upon your feelings, settle for less with someone else, and attempt to remove her from your life entirely, there would come a day in which you met again. All the feelings, all the uncertainty, all the curiousity, all the longing would come rushing back.

You cannot escape action, no matter how difficult it is to act. The fact that you are hesitating is telling, in that becoming vulnerable in "laying it all out there" before her wouldn't be difficult if she didn't matter so very much to you. If the love is truly there, the friendship will endure regardless of outcome.

In this image-conscious world of posers, we all need someone we can be ourselves with; someone to support and comfort us; someone who will love us, and endure all that life entails so firmly entrenched at our side that there is no possibility whatsoever that anyone or anything could ever separate us. If you believe that this is what she has to offer you, and you, her; if you believe that you can get each other through the difficulty of severing ties with current partners; if you believe that you will both work continually to preserve and strengthen the relationship; if you believe that you will always love each other unconditionally; if you are each mature enough to always place each other's needs and happiness before your own; then don't delay. Act, for your happiness, and for hers.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008 9:09:00 AM  
Blogger J recalled...

Hi

Good day to you, fellow blogger.

My name is J and I happen to come upon your blog today and I found the articles very interesting.
I would like to propose a link exchange between your blog and my 2 blogs. My proposition is that I will be posting your link on 2 of my blogs and in exchange, I would like you to post the following link info on your blog's blogroll or link page:

URL: http://lifelemonsisnom.blogspot.com
Title: Life and Lemons
Description (optional): Blogging about the issues of romance, relationships, love, dating and self improvement.

I will also be posting your link here: Fighting for dummies - http://stymiedfightfan.blogspot.com

Let me know if you approve of my proposal. Email me at: j.haguisan [at] harvestseo [dot] com

Sincerely yours,

J

Friday, November 28, 2008 4:25:00 AM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

you two are truly star-crossed lovers.... fate just keeps tangling the two of you together for some reason.

i hope you went for it. i hope that every entry from here on out is painted in "red," and you never need another color again. :)

Sunday, December 14, 2008 5:14:00 PM  
Blogger e recalled...

You are such a tease! Update man, update! Even if it's to say you still haven't moved from the same place.

Friday, January 09, 2009 12:09:00 PM  
Blogger milowent recalled...

one of the little joys in my life is to remember this blog, come check, and find that X has posted new blogs. as i scrolled down to find the last post i had read, and i saw all this red text, i was saying 'jeebus, roxanne is back in the picture again?!!!'

i have always been a roxanne fan. i hope something good has happened since oct 12 for x.

Friday, January 09, 2009 11:43:00 PM  
Blogger Oleander recalled...

Happy new year X :D

Saturday, January 10, 2009 3:24:00 PM  
Blogger Lets-meet.ca recalled...

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009 7:07:00 PM  
Blogger Nissa recalled...

Have you seen idtattler.com? You can search for people by thier username. The report gives a rating for that person and you can look to see what other people are saying about them. The whole point of the site is to help figure out who are psychos and who are the gems. You can brag about the awesome people you have met online or report people with measleading profiles. You can even see what people are saying about you.:) Even if someone isn't listed yet, you can report them. Save the rest of us from dealing with the same nightmare from that person.

Thursday, February 05, 2009 11:48:00 PM  
Blogger Julia recalled...

Please continue updating your blog.

You have so much helpful information on the subject of dating, I can not wait to read more!

Friday, February 20, 2009 10:15:00 PM  
Blogger Corie recalled...

Like the blog...

Check out www.didhereallyjustdothat.blogspot.com for a woman's take on the trials and tribulations of the dating world.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 9:53:00 AM  
Blogger kennylim recalled...

so what's the status mate? your blog is definitely as milowent says.. one of the little joys in life i come back to now and again... :-)

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 12:22:00 PM  
Blogger ALongShotAtLove recalled...

This is awesome! Love your blog! I have a blog on dating called A Long Shot at Love, where I've decided to go on 100 dates in year. So far I'm gone over 50 dates since Sept. 2009-it's been a trip, to say the least! Please check it out if you'd like! Keep writing because this is great! :)

Saturday, January 30, 2010 9:15:00 PM  
Blogger hannah recalled...

A month ago I was exactly feeling how you are feeling now, in pain, crying, heart broken, and then I found this site saveabreakup.com and I followed their instructions, I had my girlfriend come back to me in no time so fast !! I was so so happy and I'm still very happy, don't give up! I suggest you view the free videos that tell you what to do on saveabreakup.com

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