Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Send me dead flowers...

You know, I really could have used all those congratulations & pats on the back about 12 years ago....I wish you guys had been around then. Heck, I'm just glad you're around now. In any case, thanks for being supportive of my past self; I was sort of proud of him back then, too.

And yes, that was really it. The end. No more Kara. She doesn't show back up on my doorstep in 2 years...or in 10; we never have some chance meeting in a grocery store or a bar that leads to wild, animal sex in the parking lot & an all-night trip to Vegas; I never pick up a ringing phone again & hear that familiar silence...she's gone. She's been gone for a long, damn time. I guess you might not know that just from listening to me...

And yes, I couldn't take it anymore & told her so there at the end, and I knew that it was the best thing for my life & for my sanity, and everybody around me told me I had done the right thing, just like you guys.

But how proud of me would you be if I told you that I also send her a card to her parent's house on her birthday & on Christmas every year for four years after, no matter what was going on in my life, even though I never heard back from her? That I wondered for years & years if today was going to be the day I would run into her somewhere, or finally get that phone call? That I even had a little fling again with Heidi a few years later, just because she reminded me so goddamn much of Kara? That I called Angela her name in the middle of an argument not even four years ago? Yeah, I have my moments, but I have my moments of weakness, too..and they seem to last a lot longer.

Kara & Ted didn't last much longer; she was right about that. I guess it was about a year after I had last seen her when I heard the news from Heidi. By the time I found out, however, she had already started dating another guy - yet another guy that I knew from back in the old days. A guy that used to get stoned & eat dog food, and whose mother had her makeup permanently tattooed onto her face. A really smelly, unwashed, borderline-retarded, ignorant redneck shit-kicker who was the spitting image of her father, the father that she had rebelled against her whole life. A guy named C.J. (not to be confused with my ironically-named future Ex J.C.), who she would move in with inside of a month & alienate most of her friends in the process. The guy that she would eventually marry.

When I said before that that was the last the last time I had spoken to her, that wasn't 100% accurate. Right after I found out about her & Ted breaking up, but before she moved in with C.J., I broke down & called her one day. It had been about a year & a half since we had broken up, and that had been the magic time period before, so one day while I was at work, I decided to just bite the bullet. She answered the phone, and this time it was my turn to hesitate for a moment & then say "Hi.".

I could tell I had caught her off guard, and she just said "Hi." back to me. I could tell already that she wasn't happy to hear from me.

"Do you wanna talk?", I asked her.

"No, I gotta go. I'm walking out the door.", she said. She didn't want to talk to me.

"You're walking out the door?", I asked her.

"Yeah...I gotta go!"

"Ok....bye, Kara." I'm sure she could barely hear my voice, it was so low.

"Bye!"

The next day, the phone rang. It was C.J., the new boyfriend. He actually had the nerve, at 25-some-odd years old, to call me up with some junior-high "You better not be talking to my girlfriend" crap; which I just laughed off. I told him that, given his new girlfriends' history, it wasn't just her talking to other guys that he needed to worry about. Then I told him to fuck off & hung up the phone.

I figured at the time that it was just C.J.'s inbred redneck instinct, and that he just called me, man-to-man, but I found out from Heidi, years later, that Kara was actually right next to him when he had called me, and she had encouraged him to do it. This bothered me for a lot of reasons. Not that she had a new boyfriend & that he was a jealous asshole; I had accepted that by then...it was the fact that the whole scenario seemed so unlike her. More than anyone else I ever knew, Kara took care of her own business & fought her own battles; she never needed anyone else to do it for her. If she didn't want to talk to me, the Kara I knew would have just flat-out told me so; she wouldn't have had her boyfriend call me up with his freshman attitude, she would have just done it herself, and shoved anyone out of the way who tried to do it for her.

And there was one other thing...

I mentioned earlier how, when she & C.J. got together, she started to drift apart from some of her friends. Well, I was talking to Heidi one time, about 2 years later, and the subject came up, as it always did. I asked her if she went over to their house to visit often, and she told me how Kara hardly ever invited anybody over anymore. I asked her why, and she told me a story, wherein Kara's good friend Dorothy, whom she had known since they were little girls, had come into town one night & slept over at Kara & C.J.'s. Somehow or another, the three of them all wound up sleeping together in the same bed, and, apparently, at some point during the night, after Kara had fallen asleep, C.J. rolled over & tried to put the moves on Dorothy. Dorothy shoved him off & pretended to be asleep, but the next morning, she told Kara about what had happened. Well, apparently, Kara went apeshit....but not like you might think.

Allegedly, she started yelling & screaming at Dorothy, calling her a liar & accusing her of either trying to ruin her relationship, steal her man (and I use that term loosely), or both. They got into a huge fight, Kara refused to even entertain the possibility that C.J. would do something like that, and Dorothy stormed out of the house crying. As far as I know, they weren't friends anymore after that.

Now, I know you guys never met her (I don't think),and I know you can only know so much about someone by reading about them, but does that sound like something that the Kara that I've been writing about for the last few months would do? Or would you expect that Kara to instead go to the kitchen drawer, pull out 2 butcher knives, hand one to Dorothy, and proceed to go stab C.J. in his sleep, cut off his prick & shove it in his mouth until he chokes on it? Yeah, that's what I would have thought, too...

I had known Kara for over five years at that point, and I had seen her go through just about every range of emotion in just about every situation you could be in; I could safely say that I knew Kara, better than anyone else did at that point. And I said it then & I'll say it now: something was rotten in Denmark, because had that been Joe, or Ted or I that had pulled that stunt in bed with one of her friends, we would most certainly not be here talking about it today. Even if we had been innocent, she would have never given us the benefit of the doubt; not over one of her friends like Dorothy.

I don't know if she was being abused & was afraid of him (I just can't imagine Kara being abused by anybody...I know it could happen, but I'm serious as a heart attack when I say I would have put all 100 pounds of that girl in the ring with Mike Tyson in his heyday & she'd have bitten off the first ear), or if she was just devoted to him like she'd never even come close to being with one of us, of what the hell was going on. I never found out. I just always thought something just didn't seem right...and I guess, deep down, I always figured that it wouldn't last, and somehow, sometime, she'd be back.

But she wasn't.

The closest it ever came to happening was on her birthday in 1998, four years after I'd last seen her. I had heard through the Heidi grapevine that she & C.J. had been in a big fight, and had separated for a while, if not completely broken up. Whatever happened, it was enough to make her move back home to her parents' house for at least a little while. I heard this news about two days before the date, and when her birthday came around, I remember I sat there with the phone in my hand for what seemed like hours, telling myself over & over that I shouldn't call...that it should all be in the past & behind me, and I should just put the phone down, go on with my life, and forget about it.

But I called her...

And, in what was probably a blessing in disguise, her mom answered the phone. Her mom & I were very friendly back in the day, and I was pretty sure she knew it was me when I asked if Kara was there, even though I didn't identify myself. She wasn't there, though...she had gone across the street to her friends house. He mom asked if she could take a message or tell her who was calling, but I hesitated for a minute & told her that I'd rather not say, that I wanted it to be a surprise. She told me to try her back in a little while, and I said ok, and hung up.

I'm sure her mom knew it was me. I'm sure she told Kara, too. I'm sure she knew those Christmas & birthday cards were always from me, too, even though I never signed them. I knew she could find my number without any trouble if she wanted to call me back. She never did. A few days later, she was back home with C.J. like nothing had happened. I never tried to call her again.

One day, about five years ago, I woke up from a dream that she was in & learned later that day from my friend Art that she & C.J had gotten married. Apparently, she had gotten pregnant, and they went & did a quickie wedding at the Justice of the Peace, with just her mom & her sister there to see it. I heard they had a miscarriage not long after, and that they were constantly fighting & just generally having a rough time of things. They did eventually have a baby about a year later, though, I was able to hear through the grapevine (not the Heidi grapevine...she, too, was long gone at this point). It was a little girl, and I'm not 100% positive, but I think she named her...well, a name that she had always said she liked.

But I don't really know anything else, and basically all the information I've heard in the last decade, I just told you about. Pete did run into her & C.J. in a Wal-Mart about 2 years ago, and they had apparently just bought a house somewhere out in the boondocks near where he lives. He said she looked the same, just with a few more miles on her. And he said she asked about me. He didn't tell me about it for almost a year, just because he didn't want to endure the 20-questions that he knew I'd put him through. I don't blame him.

And, I really don't know what else to say about Kara...other than the fact that, aside from the time I've spent writing this project, I really don't think about her that much anymore. Sure, it still crosses my mind, but I think that might just be habit more than anything else, after all these years.

I don't really have the right to say this, because I don't know really anything about her life, or how she is today, but I know I've always thought that she sold herself short. Not just with C.J., just with...life. I mean, maybe she's happy, and maybe they're successful, I don't know (although the last I heard, she was a maid & he worked at a gas station), but for all her faults, I really thought, just for a minute, that she could have really done something with her life. She had...something about her. I don't know if she could have been a rock star (she used to want to play the guitar in high school, and I remember watching her standing in front of the mirror, trying to pick out the chords to John Fogerty's Old Man Down the Road & being convinced that she was gonna be famous.), or a doctor, or an actress (good possibility), or what...but I just always thought that she could have had something more, somehow. I don't mean to put her or anyone down, far from it...look at me, I don't have jack shit. I don't know...maybe I just never could understand why the whole world wasn't as fascinated with her as I was...

And how funny is it that, now, after all the time & effort it took me to even start writing all this, and how quickly I wanted to be done with it...now, I don't want to quit writing about her. It's not that I don't want to be done with it, and it's not that I'm not over her...it's just that I still don't feel like I've found the right words to do it all justice yet. Maybe I never will...

I think a lot of it is that, the reason we stopped talking was so stupid, and so small in retrospect...I wonder if she even remembers what it was today. Yes, by all indications, Kara hasn't been the same girl I knew for a very long time, but still, even today, something will happen, or I'll see something on TV, or notice something while I'm out somewhere...something that she would have thought was funny...
and I'll wonder what she would say about it, and I'll wish I was still her friend. There have been times in my life that I just would have liked to talked to her about problems I was having, or things that were going on in my life...nothing else, just to talk to her. I've still never found anyone I could talk to as easily as I could to her; somebody that seemed to know me well enough that they could talk to me like nobody else could, also. I know she did me wrong, and I know it was nothing but heartache & trouble, and I don't miss Kara, my girlfriend...but sometimes, I miss Kara, my friend.

But she did do me wrong, and as bad as she might have thought I always made her out to be, I think I've always let her off pretty easy. I did every damn thing I could for that girl, and nothing was ever even close to enough. For as close as we were, and as much as she claimed to care about me, she never once took my feelings into consideration in any of the things she did. She hurt me time & time again, and she didn't think twice about it. She knew that I would go to the ends of the earth for her, and she'd send me there & back for no better reason sometimes than she was bored, and then when she got bored with me, it was on to the next person in my high school wrestling photo.

I let her completely rule my state of mind, and I let her influence every decision I made for more years than I care to count. I've tossed some of the sweetest women in the world out of my life like yesterday's newspaper, just because I couldn't see past her memory, and where some of those women are concerned, I'll regret it the rest of my life. I've glossed over everything she did & all the pain she caused me for years, to carve out this pristine place for her in my memory that isn't even close to what the reality was & has done nothing but paint the rest of my life with a tainted brush & kept me chasing the memory of something that never even existed the way I remember it in the first place...

But I loved her.

And someday, more than anything else, I'd like to feel that way about somebody again. It's been a long, long time.




Bye, Kara.


22 Comments:

Blogger Ophelia recalled...

"...Send me dead flowers every morning
Send me dead flowers by the mail
Send me dead flowers to my wedding
And I won’t forget to put roses on your grave"

X - I cannot think of a more perfect tune to describe this moment in the tale.
Keep on keepin' on!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 8:05:00 AM  
Blogger The Mrs. recalled...

Damn ex-bf,
bravo...
this my friend, is what this project is all about... you're in my thoughts and I'm so proud of you for putting this into words... you've touched a lot of us, in a lot of different ways... made us remember others from our own pasts, and maybe realize that like you, perhaps we have been looking at some of those long lost loves through lenses all together too damn rose colored... why is it we only see what we want to see until we are blinded by our own tears??
keep on keepin' on man.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 9:07:00 AM  
Blogger Ex-Addict recalled...

That is one of the saddest things I have ever read. I definitely hope you find what you are looking for.

On top of all the other lessons you've learned through this thing, I hope you know what a gifted & talented writer you are. You are amazing!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger Chelle recalled...

You did it... you've come through the other side.

And Addict (as well as everyone else who has read your blog) is absolutely correct - you are a gifted writer.

Peace. You deserve it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 9:50:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

AY AY AY, AMIGO MIO. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FOR A MOMENT IN TIME I THOUGHT YOU WERE WRITING ABOUT ME. TEARS CAME TO MY EYES. I CAN RELATE TO THE CASE WITH KARA AND CJ. PEOPLE CHANGE. THEY REALLY DO. WHO THEY WERE BACK IN THE DAY IS LONG GONE. SOME ASSHOLE COMES INTO OUR LIFE AND TAKES US BY COMPLETE SURPRISE. THEY ARE A "MASKED MAN". I CALL IT LIKE THAT BC SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE THE MASK COMES OFF AND THE ASSHOLE APPEARS. BY THAT TIME YOUR TOO FAR GONE TO TURN BACK, NO MATTER HOW BAD IT IS. YOU TRY AND TRY AND ITS HARD. YOU REMEMBER THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE ALL THE TIME. YOU WISH YOU COULD JUST TURN BACK AND MAKE THINGS THE WAY THEY USE TO BE BUT YOU CANT. THEN YOU GO THRU ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS OF LOSING AN UNBORN CHILD AND FOR SOME REASON IT BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO HIM. WHAT YOU REALIZE LATER THAT IT WAS A SIGN FROM GOD THAT IT SHOULD BE THIS WAY. LIKE I TOLD YOU BEFORE WE HAVE CHOICES AND FOR SOME STUPID REASON WE CHOOSE TO STAY. A YR LATER YOU HAVE ANOTHER CHILD AND THEN ANOTHER. THEN YOU FIND YOURSELF MAKING EXCUSES THAT YOU CANT LEAVE BC OF THE KIDS. BETWEEN THAT AND THE LOVE YOU FEEL, YOU DONT EVER LEAVE. I DONT KNOW WHY. I AM LIVING THIS VERY SAME LIFE AND I CANT EVEN TELL YOU. FOR SOME STRANGE REASON YOU KEEP TRYING AND TRYING AND KEEP GIVING YOUR ALL AND KEEP GIVING YOUR ALL. PUT UP WITH SHIT THAT BACK WHEN YOU WOULD NOT TOLERATE FOR A SPLIT SECOND WITH OUT BAILING ON THE FOOL.
I DONT KNOW WHY THINGS END UP THE WAY THEY DO BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS.
LIKE I SAID WE ALL HAVE CHOICES JUST SOMETIMES ITS HARDER THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLE IMAGINE. I AM SURE
SHE DOES THINK OF YOU, I AM SURE ALL THE TIME, SHE COMPARES YOU AND HIM AND WISHES SHE COULD BE WITH YOU, WISHES SHE COULD TURN BACK TIME. I WISH IT WERE THAT EASY.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 9:59:00 AM  
Blogger Caro recalled...

*tear
thank you for sharing that with us. it gave me goosebumps. and you're right. you may never find the right words to do it all justice. it may never make complete sense. and that's okay. it WILL be okay for you. i know it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 11:16:00 AM  
Blogger Lynn-e recalled...

Once again, wow. It was so sad to see the path Kara has taken in her life. In my opinion, she's in a controlling relationship that she just can't find a way out of and she's been mentally beaten down so much, she's convinced herself that she's lucky to have anyone at all.

And I agree...she does think of you often. I really hope that writing this has done you a world of good.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 11:50:00 AM  
Blogger Pharod recalled...

Powerful post. Bye Kara.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 11:51:00 AM  
Blogger Gidget Bones recalled...

I think that if Kara could read what you have written, she too would have a lot of regrets. She should be deeply touched that someone loved her that much.
I am moved by your honesty.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 1:17:00 PM  
Blogger Pro-Divorce recalled...

X, I was so happy to read there was no more Kara. She sounds like a horrible drug.

I can't explain, no one can, why some women end up in situations like that. My only guess is that deep down inside them, they thrive on drama. If everything is peachy, they aren't happy.

I also question how some folks turn out the way they do...Kara being a maid. It seems she didn't really know what she wanted, and sadly, at least for her, that's exactly what she ended up with (if that makes sense).

Here's my question: Kara seems to be a big part of your project. I don't know what season we're in or if you've even been renewed for another season, but what happens when the project ends?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 1:47:00 PM  
Blogger Jaded&Opinionated recalled...

It keeps occuring to me over and over that you were the one who was unable to see who Kara really was, and is. Maybe the reason you think she's sold herself short or chose the wrong man is because you can finally see the reality of Kara... the rose colored glasses came off. Because from the very beginning of the story about Kara, many of us knew what the ending might be. We saw it, your friends saw it... the possibility exists that your fantasy of who Kara was vastly different from who she really is, and she knew it, so she pretty much bailed before your illusions were shattered. It might have been a huge weight on her shoulders, knowing how you saw her and how she saw herself. Maybe she's living the life she wants to be living and is completely content. She seems to want to feel needed, and you seemed a tad too strong to be that needy. Ted needed her. CJ sounds like he needs her. Needs, as in, can't get by in life without her. You can.

In any case, I don't think your first true love ever fades entirely. I think you can always feel a bit of that emotion when you look back, no matter how it ended. But at some point, looking back isn't the answer. If you're still busy looking back, you never know what you might step in as you try to move forward.

Just my opinion.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 2:40:00 PM  
Blogger That girl recalled...

I found your blog a few weeks ago and read the entire thing while at work one day. I must say that I really enjoy your writing style. I think, though, that this entry has been, by far my favorite even though I'm sure it was extremely difficult to write. It's very powerful and evokes some of the feelings and memories I have about my own ex's. I hope it helped you work through things.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 3:57:00 PM  
Blogger Shawna recalled...

Damn, maybe you don't think you're saying enough, but reverse the genders and you could be me talking about my ex.

I told someone again today... no, I don't love him anymore, and I wouldn't take him back if he freakin begged, it's just too far gone... but I can finally regret what could have been. And it could have been wonderful.

And like you, I'm in that stage of "haven't quite given up hope" of there being something out there right... but I'm sure the hell not looking, either.

And yeah, you finally wrote something that induced me to actually send it, not just read, and write, and then just close the window.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 4:59:00 PM  
Blogger Jhena recalled...

I almost cried Ex. I admit, I hate Kara for being such a (I can't find the right words.) But with what happened to her, I guess I finally understand her. The way you described her before, I saw her like a strong woman, ready to fight back and do her things. But now, I realize how afraid she was and she couldn't do anything. She had been lost. And along the way you were just caught. You could have given her the world but there was this force that kept on making her drift away. And I assume it could be her fears. I know she never really forgot you and she treasured you. Believe me when I say this, a woman may just walk away from her man because she thinks she couldn't give him what he deserves. And again believe me when I say this, doing such a thing hurts a lot but for some reasons, it's a must.

Oh well, you're old enough to know this. Damn, Ex, you're making me emotional again. I hate feeling this way.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 6:22:00 PM  
Blogger Beth recalled...

Pro-Divorce - The reason that women end up like that I think is down to something called transference. Where you try and re-create past relationships to fix them. Only you can't fix an old problem with a new person so its really futile.

I've been there myself and its so hard to break that pattern. Some people never do. Maybe thats Kara.

I'm just glad for you X, that she's not around anymore. No one deserves that sort of relationship..although I think we all have them at some point.

So who's next?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 6:25:00 PM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

i am not shitting you one bit, this made me cry. if this wasn't good for you, it was definitely a good thing for me to read. insert my ex-boyfriend. maybe i'll get over him sooner. thank you.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 6:30:00 PM  
Blogger Althea recalled...

I hope your blogging doesn't stop here. I just got in and this is definitely something I can relate too. I was already feeling shitty about myself for not being able to forget someone. But God! I wish I have your command of words. I wish I could tell my feelings beautifully like you do.

Go on living they say... be strong. For some people, like me, who are still struggling, seeing someone standing up like you is a real inspiration.

Thursday, January 12, 2006 5:47:00 AM  
Blogger Christopher recalled...

Man, you have just summed up my feelings about my own personal Kara, Every word and emotion of this well-written post really hit me. I wish my ex could have done better with herself and she, like Kara, had a ton of potential.

Now she's wallowing in her mistakes and I'm doing okay. The irony is I wrote a film about her which is now playing in the U.S and the U.K (Ironically, at the cinema of our second date and many nights after). It's something of a belated love letter and it makes me wonder what she really thinks of me now and what we were then. Maybe it will speak to her if she sees it, likely it won't.

I hope she misses me because I truly believed I could have saved her as a boyfriend and as a friend. Some people don't want to be saved.

I'm rambling.

Thank you for having the courage to open yourself up and to share your experiences with others. Some, like myself, need that validation that we're not alone but are too scared to write it down.
I get so much from this site that I feel guilty about it.

Thank you.

Chris

Thursday, January 12, 2006 6:05:00 AM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...

YOU ARE BECOMMING QUITE POPULAR AREN'T YOU???? AND JUST THINKOF HOW MANY PEOPLE READ THIS WITHOUT LEAVING A COMMENT.....

Thursday, January 12, 2006 9:58:00 AM  
Blogger CHIGGERVICTIM recalled...

There is no doubt that she cared about you. I think she even loved you. It sounds to me like she did what you asked her to do...leave you alone. She could see she was causing you pain and from what I have read...she did not want be responsible for hurting you or Ted or anyone. I still think you standing up to her was good and I think that you both learned a lot from your relationship. Isn't that what a relationship---any relationship is supposed to to do--help you learn and grow? You need to appreciate the good, learn from the bad and move on. Good luck and keep writing.

Thursday, January 12, 2006 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger Priscilla recalled...

It sounds like Kara found her own Kara in C.J. -- someone who blinds her as much as she blinded you. Karma's a bitch.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 9:42:00 PM  
Blogger Term Papers recalled...

Don't have anything special to say. Just wanted to tell you, That you really are a true lover.
There's something very special about stories like that!



Term papers

Tuesday, January 19, 2010 12:58:00 AM  

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