The last waltz...

So...


...a day or two went by, and I didn't hear from her. Nothing unusual. She called on a Sunday afternoon, I think; I remember The Boys from Brazil was on TV. I was in an unusually good mood, and I was glad to hear from her; I remember I got excited right away thinking I would see her that night.

I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Nothing...".

"Are you free today?", I asked her.

"I guess so.", she said.

"Well...do you want to come over?", I asked.

"No, not really."

"Why not?"

"I don't know...it was just weird last time."

"Kara, you know they don't mean anything by it; they're your friends too...", I told her.

"No, I mean, I know them, but they're your friends; they're gonna be on your side. They think I'm the bad guy, just like everybody that you know seems to."

I didn't want to get into that argument with her again; it wasn't the first time we'd had it. I believe the first time, I told her something to the effect of if you think I keep making you out to be the bad guy, then stop sleeping with my friends, at which point I think she threw something at me, so I tried to digress...

"Well, fine. Do you want to go somewhere?", I said wearily. She waited for another second before she answered.

"No. I just want to talk."

Fine; I'd take what I could get.

"Alright then. Let's talk.", I said.

"Ok, but hold on; I have to get a piece of pizza first", she said.

So she did.

She came back a second later, and I asked her "So, how are things at home?"

"Quiet", she said. "We haven't really spoken much."

I didn't respond; hoping she'd go on.

"He asked me if I wanted him to leave yesterday.", she said.

"What did you tell him?"

She waited for a second...

"I told him no. I said that if anyone was going to leave it should be me."

"Well, did you tell him you were going to?" I asked hesitantly.

"No.", she said.

"No?", I asked her.

"No." Her voice got a little quieter, I remember.

"So, what does that mean."

"I don't know; I live with him, X...I can't just leave."

"You can't just leave?", I asked her.

"No, I can't. You know how Ted is; he'd be a wreck. I'd feel awful if I just walked out and left him like that."

I bit my tongue to keep from asking her, yet again, where all this human compassion was when I was the one in Ted's shoes. Instead, I just said "Well, I thought you walking out & leaving was sort of the plan, Kara. What do you plan on doing, just hoping he forgets about it & you can just slip out unnoticed one day?"

"I never said I was just going to leave him.", she said.

"Well, what exactly are you planning to do? What the hell have we been talking about, then?"

"What do you mean?", she said, knowing goddamn well what I meant.

"You know goddamn well what I mean, Kara....just what exactly is going on here? Are you telling me you've just decided to stay with Ted now? Everything between us is just out the window?". I don't think I was yelling...

"No. You have to just think the worst about everything, don't you?"

"Well, gee...I wonder why, Kara?"

"Are you gonna get all mad?", she said. Basically, she meant it as a threat; if I didn't stop grilling her, she was gonna hang up. So, I took a breath & thought of the most tactful way to proceed.

"No, I'm not...", I said. "Just talk to me, ok? Tell me what's going on."

She took one of her customary pauses. This one seemed to last about five years.

"Well, what do you think we should do?", she finally said. "You want us to just drop our lives and run off to some island together?"

"No, Kara; there's a lot of middle ground between two people just getting together, and that..."

"You want me to just move in there with you & Alan? Do you think he'll be ok with that? We don't even know if we can get along together, X, we can't just expect everything to be ok all of a sudden just because we want it to".

"I don't know, Kara, but I know that you can't say you feel this way about me & justify staying with him...you can't expect either one of us to stand for it."

"That's not what I'm trying to do", she said.

"Well, it sure seems like it. I mean, you say you love me, right?"

"Yes", she didn't hesitate for as long as I thought she might. "I love you."

"And do you love him, too?"

"Of course I love him, that's why I can't just up and leave like that."

"So you're going to stay with Ted, and work things out?", I asked her, fighting back tears.

"No....I don't know", she said.

"You don't know?", I asked her.

"No. It's not that I think we can work things out..."

"Well, then what is it?"

"Even if we aren't going to work things out, I just can't do it like that..."

"Then what the hell are you going to do, Kara?" I might have been yelling at that point. If I was, she didn't say anything.

"Look, I've told you; the very reason I'm able to tell you that I love you& be the way with you that I've been in the last few weeks is because of Ted. I know you don't like to hear it, but being with him has helped me...a lot....and I just can't do that to him...not that way." She wasn't yelling at me, which shocked me.

"Well, what way do you plan on doing it, then? Or are you even planning on it?"

"I don't think it's going to work out, X....I don't think there's any way he & I are going to survive all this. I don't think I'll have to do anything; I think it will just...run it's course.", she said.

"Run it's course?", I asked. "So you want to just wait for this relationship to die on the vine, even though you say you love me & want to be with me?"

"I said I wanted to be with you if we knew it could always be the way it's been lately..."

"Well, what the hell is that supposed to mean? That you want to be with me as long as you don't get bored?"

"X, you know that's not what I mean...", she pleaded. She had this way of saying that something wasn't what she'd meant in a way that would make you believe it, even though whatever she had said had made it sound like that was exactly what she had meant.

"Kara, I don't know what you mean anymore...if I ever did. So tell me now, once & for all; do you want us to be together, or not?"

She waited. I knew she would, but it was still excrutiating...

"Yes.", she said.

"Yes?", I made sure I wasn't hearing thing.

"Yes, that's what I said. At least I think so...", she said.

I wasn't going to push it after that answer. Instead, I asked "So, how are we going to go about that?"

"I don't know, X. I really don't. I feel awful about all this. I've hurt both the people in my life that I care about, and I just don't want to hurt anybody else. And I do love you, and if we're meant to be together, like we said, then it will happen, and we'll know how."

And I knew that what she had just said begged a thousand more questions, and I still didn't really have any idea what was going on, but she had just said that she loved me, and that we were meant to be together...and I hadn't even really prompted her...and she had said it so goddamn sweet & sounded so sincere, and there was nothing else I could really do. Instantly, I was on her side...

"So, then you're not going to work things out with Ted?"

"I told you; I don't know. I don't think we can work this out."

"Well, then I just don't understand why you don't just end it now, instead of just prolonging it...", I said.

"Well, I don't know...maybe that is what I should do, but I think it's going to be over no matter what I do"

"And what if it's not? What if it's not over? What if you do work it out somehow?"

"Well, I really don't think that will happen, but if it does, then I guess it wasn't meant to be with us, after all..."

"What do you think?", I asked her.

"About what?", she said; knowing goddamn well what I was talking about.

"That we're meant to be together?", I said.

She waited, but you knew that. Then, she just said "Yes, I think so."

I remember I breathed a sigh of half-joy, half-relief. Had I been a smarter, more observant man, I would have realized that I was being put out to pasture like a lame horse. Instead, I was almost happy.

"Well, so what do we do, then?" I asked her.

"I don't know", she said. "I imagine things will resolve themselves one way or another over here before too long."

"And then, we can be...?"

She cut me right off: "Don't ask me what will happen, please...you know I hate that. Niether one of us knows what will happen." She was right, she did hate questions like that,and I knew it.

"But we know what we think will happen, don't we?", I asked hopefully. Or, in other words, like a chump.

"I think so.", she said.

This time I waited for a minute. "I hope so.", I said finally.

"It's timing...just like it's always been with us. We have awful timing.", she said.

"We definitely have something...", I said.

Neither one of us said anything for a minute, but somehow, it wasn't quite as tense as before.

"Well, I gotta go...", she said. "I have to pick up Heidi at work; her car's broken again."

"Alright", I said. "When will I talk to you?", I asked her.

"I don't know", she said. "Soon."

"Soon?", I asked.

"Soon.", she said. I figured it would be soon.

"Alright. I love you, Kara."

"I love you, too, X". She didn't hesitate much. I did, though, before finally saying...

"Bye".

"Bye!", she said, her voice going up at the end, as always.

I remember I wasn't 100% sure what had just happened, but what I do remember is that, after I hung up the phone that day, I was still hopeful, if not optimistic, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Like I said before; I really, honestly thought that we were fated to be together. Maybe it would take a little more time, maybe it would take a little more bullshit with Ted or something else, maybe it wouldn't be easy...but I really thought it was meant to be; that we couldn't have stopped it, even if we'd wanted to.

Of course, if that were the case, you wouldn't be reading this, would you?


Anyway, for the next few days, life went on. Nothing much happened that I can remember. All I really recall is waiting...and waiting...to hear from her. But I didn't. I figured a week wasn't too big a deal; then a week came & went. Then, I figured two weeks was probably understandable, under the circumstances, but nothing. Finally, at the end of the second week, I had paced a groove in the floor & worn my fingernails down to the quick. I was impatient, confused, worried, and I missed her.

So, almost 2 weeks to the day after we had last talked, I took the chance (in the days before caller-ID), and called her, but Ted anwsered the phone. So, I hung up. I remember at the time wondering if he thought it was me or not...I know I would have. I didn;'t know any other way to get in touch with her, so I did the next best thing: I called Heidi.

Heidi hadn't heard from her in a few days, but I tried to grill her for any information I could, which wasn't much. All she really was able to tell me was that, as far as she could tell, nothing had yet upset the status quo. Kara hadn't moved out, or even broken up with Ted yet. She said Kara hadn't mentioned me except to say that we agreed to take a break & let things calm down for a while. I remember asking her how she had worded it, but she didn't remember exactly; all I really was able to glean from talking to Heidi was that Kara had apparently not done much of anything since we'd talked; if she was biding her time waiting until he could be together again, she was biding it well. I also knew if Heidi really knew anything, she wouldn't betray Kara & tell me, so I said goodbye, and went back to my pacing.

Another couple of days, and nothing. All I remember is waiting & wondering. My friends started to notice it, but there wasn't anything they could say or do to take my mind off it. It was about this time that I developed a habit that stuck with me for the rest of that summer; I would go buy a bottle of vodka, put the most depressing music I could find on my turntable, open the door to my balcony & sit outside there, drinking & looking down at the cars go by until I passed out or Alan dragged me in, whichever came first.

I tried Kara twice more (I think), but once I got no answer,and the next I got Ted again. I didn't want to push my luck, so I didn't try again for a few days, but still I heard nothing. I remember one day I wake up on the balcony at about ten in the morning with the sun burning holes into my eyes realized I was 2 hours late for work. That day, I started to get pissed about it all; both at myself, and, as much as I was able to, at her (which wasn't much).

It was either that day or the day after that I came home from work & decided that I was not going to do my usual routine of drinking alone that night;I was going to go across the street to the bar, which I hadn't visited lately. I walked in & sitting at the bar, talking to the bartender, was my old friend Thomas, who had gone to grade school with alongside Ted. He & I hadn't seen each other much in the last few years, but he & Ted were still close friends, and he had gotten to know Kara since they had been together, as well. I was glad to see him, and sat down next to him planning to get extremely drunk & forget my problems by reminiscing about the old days. Of course, 2 minutes hadn't gone by when the subject turned to Kara. At this point, halfway buzzed & totally unwittingly, I did something that, I would learn later, would impact my life dramatically.

Thomas & I hadn't really seen each other since all the drama had started, and he was curious to hear my side of the story, so I just let it all pour out. I told him everything, from the very beginning, without even thinking twice. I told him about everything that had been happening that summer, and everything that we had said & done since we'd been seeing each other again. I told him what she had said about Ted, the things she had told me, the way she claimed to feel...everything. It was easy to talk to him...I had known Thomas for over 10 years, and it felt good to let it all out, something I hadn't even done with Alan or any of my friends. We laughed & talked and I'm pretty sure I cried at least once, and I left that night feeling better for the first time in a long time. I remember when I got home that night, Alan & I watched Spinal Tap because his girlfriend had never seen it (she totally didn't get it), and I laughed some more, which surprised everyone at that point in time. I fell asleep that night & I wasn't even drunk, and I remember thinking it felt nice.

Then, the next day, the phone rang.

It was her. And she was pissed.

At first, I was so glad to hear from her that I didn't even realize it. I remember distinctly the way I felt when the phone rang that day, and my heart jumped just a little bit, as it had every time the phone had rang over the past 3 weeks. When I picked it up & actually heard her voice, it wasn't until she called me a bastard that I stopped smiling.

"Wait a minute...what's wrong?", I asked her, totally shocked.

"What in the HELL did you tell Thomas?", she screamed at me.

Oh, boy, I remember thinking, I could be fucked here.

"What do you mean? I just...I was just talking to him.", I stammered.

"Talking to him about everything that happened between us! And some things that you apparently made up in your head, too!" Oh yes...I was definitely fucked.

"What are you talking about, Kara? He's a friend of mine; I can't talk to a friend of mine about my life?", I said, even though I knew I was fucked.

"He's not just a friend of yours, remember? He's a friend of a certain other person, too!". Oh boy...

"What do you mean?". I knew goddamn well what she meant.

"He told Ted everything, X! Everything that you told him, and some other things that I don't know where you got the idea about!"

"What do you mean by that?", I asked.

"Oh, all this stuff about us having some master plan to live happily ever after & me just counting the days until I leave Ted & come running to you!"

I didn't know what to say for a minute. I tried to flash back through the happy-hour haze to my conversation with Thomas; sure, I had probably said something like that, but so had she!

"Well, isn't that basically what you told me, Kara? Didn't you say you wanted us to be together? That you knew things were basically over between you & Ted, and maybe something about you loving me, too?" I might've been fucked, but I was pissed now.

"I didn't tell you that; not the way you told it to him!", she said.

"What, is Ted right there with you & you just can't say it in front of him, or what?". Even as I said it, I knew it probably wasn't true; Kara took care of her own business; she wouldn't want or need any man there looking over her shoulder.

"No, he's not here, but that's none of your business, just like it wasn't your business to tell anybody what goes on between us!"

"Oh, so you never talk to Heidi or anybody about us?", I said.

"I wouldn't talk to one of your girlfriend's best friends about us!", she yelled.

"Well, Kara, I don't have a girlfriend, and if you'd stop sleeping with all of my friends, I might have some left to talk about my problems with!". I was really pissed, now. After I said it, I expected her to hang up, but she didn't.

"Are you there?", I asked.

Silence.

"I'm here.", she said.

"So are you saying none of that is true, then? You're not in love with me? You don't want us to be together?"

"I told you I wanted to be together if we could make sure it was right. Next thing I know, your drunk in some bar telling Thomas all our private business, and then he goes & tells Ted that I'm going to leave him for you! I never told you that; I told you that if things were meant to be, then they would work themselves out!"

"Well nothing has been working itself out, though, has it, Kara? You're still over there with him, I haven't so much as talked to you, and now you're mad at me because he found out some things you said to me during the affair that he knew we were having? Are you mad at me or mad because he found out some things you didn't want him too?", I said.

"I'm mad at you because you lie, and because I can't trust you! Just like what happened with Heidi!"

"I lie? What have I lied about here, Kara?"

"You told him what you wanted to be true, not what was true! I never promised you anything, this time or any time, and you know it!" She had me there; she had never promised me anything. I'm sure there was a bit of wishful thinking in my interpretation of the story that I told to Thomas, but certainly nothing was blatantly untrue. Looking back on it, I would have figured she would have realized that eventually, but I don't know if she ever did.

"I told him what I believed to be true, from the impressions that you gave me. I told him that we both knew there was something special between us, but we didn't know what the hell to do with it, and we figured that maybe in the future we could figure it out. I told him that you didn't think things were going to work out with you & Ted, but you weren't going to just up & leave him, and after you had dealt with that, then we would see what happened with us? Now what part of that isn't true?"

Silence.

"Well, that's not exactly the impression he got, and that's sure not what he ended up telling Ted!", she said. She wasn't yelling anymore, though.

"Well, I can't help what Thomas thinks or what he says, but you know what's true & what's not, Kara..."

"You still shouldn't have told him all that; it was between us. And I bet you took every chance to say something that you knew would cause problems for me, 'cus that's what you want to do! I just can't trust you..."

"I didn't think I had to cause any problems; I thought you & Ted were all but over?" I was still pissed, and still yelling.

"See, there you go again! I told you I didn't know what was going to happen with me & him; you just heard that it was almost over. Or you wanted Ted to hear it, or both!"

"See, that's all this is about, isn't it? It's because Ted heard some things that Kara didn't want him to hear! Wether they were true or not, you're just mad because you got caught!". By this point, I had chain-smoked almost half a pack, and I was so mad, I probably would have been fuming without them.

"I didn't do the things you tried to get me 'caught' for, though! You just try to paint everything the way you see it; I'm always the bad guy!"

And that was it.

"Well, goddamn it, Kara..once & for all, if you don't want to be the bad guy, quit fucking my friends & fucking up my life! Just stay out of it, then I'll be a lot better off!" I'm sure they could hear me on the next block.

"Oh, so now you want me to stay away from you? That's a new one!", she said sarcastically.

"Yeah, well maybe I should have thought of it a while ago!", and at that moment, I almost wished I had. Then, for reasons I still don't know to this day, she decided to pull out the big guns.

"I thought you were in love with me?", she said.

Without hesitation, I said "I'll get over it!", and I hung up the phone.


And, with that, it was over. Really, truly, finally, over.


It just took me years & years to realize it...