Monday, January 9, 2006

Childlike faith in childhood's end...

At the time, here's what I figured...

Sure, things between me & Kara had been going on one way or another for almost five years at that point, and they had never gone what you would call 'well'; I had started our relationship by cheating on Gloria with her, and she had ended it by cheating on me with first Joe (sort of), and then later, with Ted (in a manner of speaking). We had dated, not-dated, broken up, fought, reconciled, survived the death of friends, logged over 6,000 miles trying to get away from each other, slept with each other's best friends, yelled, screamed, vowed to never speak again, thrown things at each other, and had basically walked a really shaky plank between deep love & deep resentment the entire time we'd known each other...but I was optimistic.

To a point, anyway.

I knew that the history was bad. I knew that the present situation, with her climbing out of Ted's window & into mine at night, was even worse. I knew that nobody in my life even came close to approving of it. I knew that, even under the absolute best of circumstances (which I don't really think we ever saw), this was Kara we were dealing with, and no matter what were to happen, she could change her mind at any time & all bets would be off. I knew that she was not good for my state of mind...in certain ways, at least. Right about that time, I had really started trying to write seriously for the first time, and, up until the point when she came back into my life, I was really focused on it & starting to find my voice; since she had shown back up, I hadn't written a goddamn thing, and I was aware of that. Relationships always had been (and still are) known to make me toss my other priorities by the wayside, but when she was around, I ate, breathed, and slept Kara.

But, even being aware of all that, I really, honestly thought we were meant for each other...and for about a minute & a half, I think she did, too. I figured that if two people could go through everything we had been through already at that young age, then we could survive anything. What we didn't realize was that we hadn't really been through that much of anything yet...

I remember us talking about it & just chalking all the problems we'd had up to bad timing; we were meant to meet each other, we had just done it too soon, before we were both ready...or some crap like that. Someday, though, after she was out of this mess with Ted & we'd laid all the baggage of the past to rest, she'd always say...someday, everything would be alright; the stars would align, the heavens would open up, the clouds would part & the crops would bloom & the birds would sing & the little rabbit would come out of his hole, and we would finally be together. It was fate...nothing could stop it. I was convinced...and if she wasn't convinced, then she put on a good face, 'cus she sure seemed to believe it, too.

And during the times I saw her over the next couple of weeks, that's what we'd talk about. After Ted had found out about us, I didn't see her for about a week or so, and I only talked to her briefly. In fact, she never spent the night again after that night. The next time I saw her, she called me up one night a week or so later while she & Heidi were out. She asked if they could come by, and I said of course. It was a weekend night...the night of game seven of the Stanley Cup playoffs that year (Rangers vs. Devils), and we were all off work & watching the game at mine & Alan's place. I remember he & I and Pete, and I think Mark was there also...maybe Alan's girlfriend, as well. Regardless, we were all sitting around drinking & having a good time when they walked in.

Now, everybody knew everybody else pretty well, but aside from the 'goin' back to Chili's' incident, neither Alan or any of my other friends had actually spoken to Kara since all this had started, and trust me when I say that my friends have never been ones to shy away from confrontation or drama, especially back then. So, as soon as the girls came through the door, I realized this could be a mistake. My friends had already ganged up on me alone about Kara, and now I had just unwittingly invited her into the interrogation room. Kara was a tough girl, but I didn't want to give her any more reasons to freak out than she already had, and I crossed my fingers & hoped the night would go well.

Which, it really didn't...

I mean, it wasn't like they pounced on her or anything, but it was definitely uncomfortable. Alan let his disdain for the whole situation be known through his patented passive-aggressive sense of non-humor, and since Kara could give it right back just as good, it just got awkward. I know nobody meant anything by it, and I know deep down she did also, but still, it was a screwed up situation, and there wasn't any denying that.

After a little while, she pulled me back into my bedroom & I apologized to her for things being so weird with my friends. She was, amazingly, very sweet about it (she had her moments), and said that she didn't blame anybody who was against the two of us being together. I remember I asked her if she was against it, and she said no, but that she still felt terrible about what she was doing.

So, we sat on my bed, looking out the balcony window & talking while the sounds of drunken hooting & Stone Temple Pilots rang from the other room. For the life of me, no matter how hard I try & how much I feel like I should be able to, I can't remember what exactly we said that night, but we talked again about our bad timing, and how things would have been so much easier had we just met each other a little later in life. Then, I remember I told her that I couldn't imagine my life without her in it in some way, and I remember she said that she couldn't imagine that ever happening...that we just had to get past all this drama we had gotten ourselves caught up in. She said that she needed a little time to put things right with Ted, and make sure they could stay friends after the broke up. I told her that I understood that, and I remember I even felt a little guilty, and a little bad for Ted at that moment.

And then Heidi knocked on the door, yelling for Kara. I remember I reached over & kissed her really quick before we went back out, and held my hand & squeezed it tight while I did. I don't think she ever did that before...

So, we went back outside, and they left soon after; the game was still on, I remember. The Devils won. All the drama was forgotten in the excitement of the game, and the rest of the evening was pretty uneventful. I remember I listened to Neil Young as I fell asleep that night.


That was the last time I ever saw Kara...

16 Comments:

Blogger Jenn! recalled...

so...what happened??

Monday, January 09, 2006 9:06:00 AM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...

THE MORE AND MORE YOU GO DOWN THIS ROAD I GET MAD AT YOU! I WANT TO TAKE YOU BY YOUR SHOULDERS AND TELL YOU IT ISN'T WORTH IT.... BUT EVEN IF I COULD'VE YOU YOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED. BUT THEN AT THE SAME TIME MY HEART BREAKS FOR YOU.

Monday, January 09, 2006 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

WHAT? LIKE THE LAST TIME, LAST TIME, LIKE EVEN TO THIS DAY YOU AINT SEEN HER SINCE, OR IN THAT WAY. DANG, YOU POOR GUY. NO WONDER THIS SHIT IS HURTING YOU.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKIN ABOUT YOUR BLOG THE OTHER DAY AND I THINK THIS WOULD MAKE A GREAT MOVIE. I MEAN THE WAY YOU TELL IT. OK, IF IT DID, WHO WOULD BE THE CAST?
IM CURIOUS AS TO WHO WOULD PLAY YOU AND KARA?
ANYHOW, I KNOW THIS MUST BE HARD FOR YOU. ITS HARD FOR US TO READ BC THIS ISNT SOME FAIRY TALE STORY OR SOMETHING YOU JUST THOUGHT UP IN YOUR HEAD, THIS IS YOUR LIFE STORY. EVEN THO ITS ON "PAPER" I CAN HEAR YOUR HEART BREAKING. AND THAT IS SOME RAW SHIT.
HANG IN THERE, TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED.

Monday, January 09, 2006 9:36:00 AM  
Blogger Ex-Addict recalled...

No wonder you didn't want to get to this part! :-(

Monday, January 09, 2006 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Jamy recalled...

The last time you saw Kara--EVER? Ouch. This story is killing me. I hope you can find a way to move on/forgive yourself/forgive Kara/be happy.

Monday, January 09, 2006 11:21:00 AM  
Blogger Girl Turned Sideways recalled...

you have GOT TO stop doing this to me.....cliff hangers on Monday mornings at work are not a good idea....what happened?

Monday, January 09, 2006 11:54:00 AM  
Blogger Atomicslacker recalled...

Hate to nit-pick, but the Rangers beat the Devils in every playoff series that they've met, which means that the game seven you reference was, by default, won by the Rangers.

Maybe it was another game or another team?

Monday, January 09, 2006 12:45:00 PM  
Blogger Pro-Divorce recalled...

X, I don't even know what I'm thinking after this last cliff hanger.

Monday, January 09, 2006 12:58:00 PM  
Blogger Mint Tulip recalled...

Not exactly the ending to Kara I expected...makes it more understandable that these memories have stuck with you for so long though.

Monday, January 09, 2006 1:21:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Atomic; The Devil's didn't beat the Rangers for the cup in '94? I could have sworn all these years that was what happened...'cus it was definitely game 7.

Monday, January 09, 2006 4:41:00 PM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

amazing how time stands still sometimes for us to look back on. i have so many of those critical moments in my head...

i wish i had more time to come on here and read. life has been so crazy lately, you just don't know... but maybe soon i'll be on more. just keep writing for me to catch up on, okay? :-)

Monday, January 09, 2006 6:13:00 PM  
Blogger Jhena recalled...

As in last? So where is she now? Do you still hear about her? is she married?

Monday, January 09, 2006 6:19:00 PM  
Blogger Jaded&Opinionated recalled...

The '94 Stanley cup playoffs were between the Rangers and the Canucks. The Rangers beat the Devils in game 7 of the Eastern conference championships that year in order to get to the Stanley cup playoffs. But they were behind 3 games to 2 and had to win games 6 and 7 against the Devils, which they did. I'm a Jersey girl... we know this stuff.

And the cliff hanger makes me crazy.

Monday, January 09, 2006 6:22:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Oh well, it must've been the night of that last playoff game; which makes sense 'cus now that you say it, I seem to remember watching another in a bar that year still drunk & depressed...which wouldn't have happened were that the final.


And no, of course that's not exactly the end...I'll explain the rest later...

Monday, January 09, 2006 6:31:00 PM  
Blogger Caro recalled...

whoa. i think you're just about set with your movie script. again, whoa.
my heart goes out to you, man.

Monday, January 09, 2006 10:46:00 PM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

what? damnit X!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 12:15:00 AM  

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