Wednesday, November 30, 2005

What holiday?

Ya, ya...I know; I shoulda written something by now. Things have just been really hectic & I've barely been at home. The craziness with my family hasn't settled down...if anything, it's ramping up. I've just been trying to be there for my mom & doing what I can to ease the situation...which isn't much. I'm sort of becoming numb to it all...I dunno. I just know I don't have the fortitude to write anything right this minute. Even though I am writing something right this minute...go figure.

This, too, shall pass...


p.s. Thanks to discombobulated & Jhena for the lyrics to that John Mayer song; I'm not sure how relevant it really is to Kara & I, tho....it sort of implies that she was also waiting & wondering somewhere, which I'm not sure was ever really the case with Kara. Waiting wasn't exactly one of her strong points...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Turkey-Lurkey-Loo...

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody....

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Put the load right on me....

Roxanne & I hadn't spoken in a year...and the first question out of my mouth was, naturally, "what happened?"

She told me simply that she had gotten scared. It was as simple as that, she said; with all the history we had between us even back then, she had realized, after our whirlwind weekend, that she might have flipped that particular record over too quickly. Looking back on it now, this is something that I can completely identify with, but back then, I was still something of an idealist.

I know that everything I write is tainted somehow by the curse of age & hindsight, and it might seem like I was always this jaded commitment-phobe, but actually, it took a long time for these walls to be built up...back then, I still believed in true love, and following your heart, logic be damned, and all those things that so seldom happen to work out in the real world, and instead of understanding where she was coming from, I was probably more annoyed than anything else...or at least as annoyed as I've ever been able to be with her.

I asked her why she was calling me now, and she told me that she had been seeing a therapist, and had been trying to work on some problems she felt she was having in her life, and she was a lot happier now...which was news to me, because I didn't realize she was unhappy in the first place. Regardless, she said she had been thinking about me, and she wanted to see me. I don't remember everything we talked about, but I know we talked for a while, and, as cautious as I tried to be after what had happened last time, I got the distinct impression throughout our conversation that she was willing to try and pick up where we had left off last summer.

Of course, I made plans to see her as soon as possible, and I hung up the phone with my heart skipping a beat. Ok, so maybe she had some issues she was working out, and maybe she had gotten a panic attack last year...after all, it had been about as intense & sudden as anything could be...but maybe it will all work out now...finally. I'd find out soon enough, I figured. I can't remember if Alan was there when I got the call from her or not (he practically lived at that apartment, too; without that pesky rent that always mucks things up), but I know I talked to him immediately afterwards & told him what had happened. He was actually the first one to try & make me stop & think for a second about the whole situation; after all, he had seen how upset I had been the previous year. He said he was excited for me, but to keep myself in check, just in case she were to bolt again. Right, 'cus I'm able to control my emotions so well...

So, she showed up at my place that Friday evening after she got out of class. I opened the door, and I remember her standing there, wearing this flowing, flowered sun dress with her hair all falling down her shoulders, and as I went to hug her, she reached up and kissed me right away, ending any speculation as to her intentions. I ran with it.

I remember we sat on the sofa & talked for a while, and she told me about everything that had happened since I last saw her. She's always been able to completely hypnotize me with the way she talks: she's just so animated, and expressive, and alive...and I remember she seemed even more so than usual then. She said that she hadn't really dated anyone since she had seen me, but that she had made some new friends at college & was spending a lot of time with one girl in particular, who was apparently some other bohemian-artist type like herself. Details are fuzzy for me on the particulars of this, but if I remember right, this friend had also introduced her to the therapist she was now seeing. Only thing is...she wasn't paying the guy.

Now, again, I don't remember what the exact deal was, and she & I haven't talked about it in years, so it's really hard for me to piece it all back together, but I think that the guy was maybe a good friend of this girl's family or something, aside from being her doctor, and he had gotten to know Roxanne through her, and had sort of taken her in as a pro-bono patient...or something. Now, I remember she didn't really tell me all this at once; I sort of gleaned it all throughout the course of the conversation, but it started to strike me as being a little weird. I mean, first of all, what kind of doctor...especially a shrink...treats someone for free. Second of all...exactly what was he treating her for? This was spring, 1994, so she would have been...let's see...19 years old at the time, and I had been around for much of her formulative years. I was best friends with her brother, knew both her parents extremely well, and I had never seen her so much as in a fight with either of them. She & Jerry used to bicker, but no more than normal brothers & sisters, so I couldn't figure out what exactly these issues were that she was working out.

I wondered for about half a second if she could be sleeping with the guy, but immediately dismissed that idea; it just wasn't (and isn't) Roxanne, and besides...if she was having some big fancy affair, she had no reason to be here sitting on my lap telling me all about the older, married guy she was having it with.

Aside from that, there was just something...different about her. She kept talking about things like...I dunno...race relations, and education, and social issues...all valid topics, but ones I wasn't used to discussing with her....or really with anyone much, at that age.

Now...and maybe just now...with the benefit of hindsight, I think I know exactly what was going on: she had what the guys on South Park called First-Year College syndrome; you know, where the kid goes off to a big university, all alone for the first time, surrounded by liberal intellectuals & hippie students & then comes home thinking they've unlocked the secrets of solving all the world's problems....only with her, it wasn't some dope-smoking sociology professor driving a Fiero, it was some therapist & his extended family of sensitive new-age freshmen. Yes, she was too smart for all of it, but I know now that it would have taken her a little while to realize that...

Of course, it took me a little while to realize that something was amiss, as well, since I was just so damn happy to see her that I was still willing to forgive or gloss over almost anything. I didn't have much time to ponder it anyway, since before too long, Alan & Mindy showed up; apparently we had planned to double-date that night, even though I don't remember planning it & don't know why I didn't want to keep her to myself that first night.

I remember Mindy was excited to meet her, in that gossipy girl kinda way, since she had heard about her for a year now, ever since she & Alan started dating. She & Alan knew each other, and we all seemed to get along well enough together that evening. I remember we went out to dinner, then we went to see Wayne's World 2, but I don't really remember anything that happened while we were out (although, just now writing this, I remembered a date I took Roxanne on...or at least I tried to make it a date...a few years earlier, that I never blogged about. Oh well, nothing much happened, other than I paid for an expensive dinner, bought her flowers, but she just talked about other boys all night. Anyway...).

We got back home, and we all hung out & talked for a while....I remember she went & put on pajamas with little sheep on them at one point, answering any question as to whether she planned to stay the night. Alan & she got into some kind of debate about...something or the other, but mostly, I just remember us listening to her tell us more about the things she had discovered lately: she talked about her father & how she had now decided that he had never loved her, and that he never wanted a daughter (something you'd never say if you spent five minutes with them). She told us how her relationship with her brother had forever colored the way she would look at men (maybe true enough, but still...), and about all the great social-work programs she was going to get involved in, and a lot more soul-searching that, passionate as she was about it (and she's nothing if not that), still just seemed sort of...I dunno, misguided to me, and to the others too, I'm sure.

Whatever the real issue was, it accomplished something that I didn't think anything would ever do & that nothing else has done successfully since: it made me look at Roxanne outside the pedestal I usually put her on (can you be outside a pedestal? You know what I mean, nevertheless). I saw her as a vulnerable, confused young woman, and, as attractive as some men might find that, this was not the Roxanne I knew & loved. She was in there somewhere, but there were obviously a million thoughts pulling her in a million different directions. In retrospect, it wasn't any big deal; she was just growing up, but back then, so was I, and I didn't know what to think.

So, I just tried to not think about it too much; I was still happy enough to just to be with her again, and before long, we went back into the bedroom & left Alan & Mindy to the fold-out sofa. As soon as we hit the sheets, she was all over me; that part certainly did pick up right where we left off. We still didn't have sex, though, but we lost a lot of sleep nonetheless. She fell asleep next to me, and I remember I lied there in the dark, smelling her hair & thinking about what the hell was going on & what the both of us were really feeling...

The next day, I don't remember much about. I know we got up late, and Alan & Mindy were already gone. I remember us lying on the sofa together and talking about our relationship, but I honestly don't remember what we said. All I remember is that, by this time, I was definitely freaked out. I don't know if I thought that she was just here on a whim & would disappear as fast as she had before, or if I was too wierded out by the sudden change in her personality, or if it was a combination of everything, but I knew something just wasn't right. I wasn't any less attracted to her, and I didn't love her any less, but I guess I just sensed that the timing wasn't right, for whatever reason. Or maybe I was just scared, too...but whatever the reason, she left to go back to school that day, and I didn't call her again.

A few days went by & she tried to call once or twice, but after a couple of messages, she stopped trying. I figured she must have sensed it too, or maybe she had just decided I wasn't worth the trouble after all. Actually, I didn't know what to think. I just knew that it didn't feel right. It would be almost two years before I saw her again.

And so began my long, reliable history of running out on Roxanne...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Alone again in the lap of luxury...

Over the next couple of weeks, Veronica called once or twice & tried to get together with me, but I was still freaked out from the previous encounter & I basically just blew her off; probably rather rudely. For all the pain & anguish I ended up going through with her (which was all my fault for getting mixed up in it in the first place), I can't say that I didn't deserve at least some of it for the way I treated her in the early years of our relationship. Yes, she was persistent, and no, she couldn't take a hint, and she might have brought some of it on herself by continually trying to insert herself into my life when she knew full well that I didn't want the same things she did, but I can't deny that I was pretty mean to her back then, on more than one occasion.

I might have succumbed to her charms when I felt like it, but I would always be mad at myself afterwards, and I would take it out on her a lot. Starting around this time, it began to develop into a pattern: if she would call after I told her that we shouldn't see each other for a while, sometimes I would be really nasty to her, yell at her, and hang up. If her brother (who was an old friend of ours) came in from out of town to visit us & she tagged along, I would always act like an asshole in front of her, and I'd flaunt myself with other girls when I could to make her jealous...never realizing that was probably the exact opposite effect that I was intending to produce. I know that I didn't really feel hostile toward her, but I knew deep down that I shouldn't have her in my life; that she was just trouble waiting to happen (and sometimes actively happening), and she was so goddamn persistent that this was the only way I knew, in my tactless youth, to get the message through to her; I honestly wasn't always trying to be a jerk, even though I guess sometimes I have to admit I got a sick little kick from it...probably because it was a role I had just always assumed I'd never be able to play. I honestly figured that if I was just dismissive enough to her, she would eventually get over me.

But she wouldn't...not for a long, long while.

Even so, I had stemmed the tide for now; I think I saw her over Easter that year maybe when her brother came to visit, but nothing happened & that was pretty much it for a while. In fact, there was actually a few weeks there during that year when there were actually no women in my life, and strangely enough, I don't remember a damn thing about that period...

Wait, I do remember one thing...it wasn't a big deal, but what the hell was her name? I can't give her a fake one if I can't remember her real one. Wait, that's right...let's call her Jill. She was Alan's girlfriend Mindy's cousin, and I just now at this very moment realized how, if things had only gone just a little differently, she might have very well saved me from all the years of intermittent Veronica hell that would follow...but it didn't work out.

Jill & I had met a few months before, over Christmas that year; Maria was out of town one weekend, and all my idiot friends were home for the holidays, and so we all went out one night, and Mindy's cousin Jill came along with us. I remember she wasn't the sharpest tack in the box, but she had a cute personality in a Chrissy Snow kinda way, and she looked exactly like the Pink Power Ranger, so all the guys were pretty much all seeing who could get to her first. I, on the other hand, didn't pay much attention to her since I was so into Maria at the time, so we all just had a good time, and then came back to my house & watched A Muppet Christmas Carol. Everyone left afterwards, I went to bed, and I didn't think anything more about it.

Apparently, Jill had, though, because the next day, Mindy called me up, and told me that her cousin had been talking about me ever since then & was interested to know what I thought about her. Mindy said she had explained to her that I had a girlfriend, but that she was persistent in getting her to call me anyway...chalk another one up for female determination.

I told Mindy that I thought her cousin was very cute, but that I had a girlfriend, and, strange as it may sound, I'm actually trying to do right by this one. Mindy told me that was about what she had expected me to say, and she would relay the message to Jill...who, she told me afterwards, I probably didn't want to get mixed up with anyway, as she was known to be a little clingy. I didn't need any more of that, so I figured it was probably a good thing, too. We hung up the phone & again, I didn't think much more about it.

Apparently, Jill had, though, because at about 9 o'clock the next night, I got a knock on my door & found her standing on my step. I was surprised, and I knew I wasn't going to do anything, but I was flattered & a little intrigued, so I invited her in. I can't remember why she said she had stopped by, but she made some excuse about being in the neighborhood...or maybe she said she had left something there the other night, a holdover, if you will. In any case, we sat down on the couch & talked for a while...for a long while. or maybe it just seemed so long because talking to her was like talking to an autistic monkey; when I said earlier that she wasn't the sharpest tack in the box, I had obviously not spent enough time with the girl. No tack that dull would ever make it through even the most rudimentary screening process at the factory...

Still, she stuck around & watched TV next to me on the sofa for a good while after the conversation had died down, no doubt wondering why the hell I hadn't made a move on her yet (and I have to admit I wondered the same thing, but then I would quickly answer that question with thoughts of Maria, and it quickly passed). I'm sure that she wasn't used to guys not trying to jump all over her, and truthfully, it was the perfect set up; Maria never would have known, but I had made myself a promise to do things right this time, and I figured this was just some kinda test from on high, much like the one with Misty in Colorado. Of course, I didn't take the time to think about how poor & misleading a sign that had turned out to be, but I can't think of everything...

So, sometime early into the wee hours, she finally left to go home. I gave her a hug at the door & told her it was fun hanging out with her, and that was that. I called Mindy over at Alan's house the next day & told her what happened, and she was both amused & unsurprised. I told her that had it not been for Maria, I'm sure things would have been different, and to let Jill know that it wasn't her...even though it sorta was. And that was the last time I talked to Jill...until right after I broke up with Maria...which brings me to the epiphany I just had....

In those first few lonely days after we had broken up, before Veronica showed up that night, I was sitting around one night, trying to take Maria off my mind & I tried to call Roxanne, whom I hadn't heard from since our whirlwind weekend the previous year. I called her mom to get her new number, since it had been a while. I would normally have called her brother Jerry, but Jerry had sort of ran off & joined a religious cult about 6 months before (yeah, I know...long story), and he was avoiding all his old friends, so I couldn't exactly call him. It all turned out to be a moot point anyway, since Roxanne's mom told me she was out of town doing a play for the next three weeks.

So, sitting there with the phone in my hand, lonely & slightly depressed, I suddenly had the idea to call Jill. Sure, me might not get involved in any deep philosophical debates, but it would be nice to spend some time with a pretty girl who likes me for a while, even if nothing came of it. So, I got Jill's number and called her up.

She was happy to hear from me, but when I asked her out for that weekend, she told me she couldn't go; she had just met a guy the week or two before & was starting to get pretty serious with him, and she didn't think it would be right to go out with me, much as she might like to. The thing is, I didn't get the impression she really felt that way, I got the impression that she was just trying to make me jump through some hurdles to get me back for not taking advantage of her when I had the chance. Mindy confirmed as much later; she still wanted to go out with me, and she didn't really give a shit about this guy she had met, but she wanted me to work at it now. So, the tables turn...

But, I didn't feel like working on it; yes, I was lonely, but I knew deep down Jill wasn't worth the effort just to get my mind off things for a while. And therein lies my point; HAD I decided to pursue Jill at that point, even if it was just for a little while, the whole episode a week or so later with Veronica might very well never have happened, had Jill been there to occupy the space instead. Sure, it would have been meaningless & fleeting, too....but it would have surely been a lot less painful for everyone in the long run than Veronica. I'm not saying that, had that one incident never happened, that Veronica & I would never have hooked up again in the future...but I know that episode didn't help; it just made it that much more familiar for both of us.

Okay, so maybe it's not really an epiphany...maybe I just keep seeing various points in the timeline of my life where, had I done one little thing differently, I could have avoided the future with Veronica altogether, which would have been the best thing that ever could have happened to my life back then. But, I didn't...

Jill & I never got together, either...but I did run into her at a Halloween party a few years ago while I was dating Angela, and she still looked just like the Pink Power Ranger...which is how Alan & I always refer to her, 'cus we usually can't remember her name. She might coulda saved me back then, tho...if she'd have only had her super-suit along, that might've made the difference...

Nevertheless, all that passed & so did the incident with Veronica...for a while. I don't remember much about the next few days, but I do know that, after the latest round with Veronica, I was a little sick of the whole game, and I decided to concentrate on my writing for a while, which I had been neglecting since before I moved to Colorado. I cranked out a short story or two in just a week or so's time, and for a little while there, girls were about the farthest thing from my mind.

Until Roxanne got back into town a few weeks later...and finally returned my call...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Late of Conscience...

You know, I've noticed another pattern that I've developed since I started this journal: every time the chronology gets up to a point where I have to talk about Veronica, I think I subconciously procrastinate & look for something else to write instead...which probably says a lot about how much I don't even like to think about it anymore. But, I told myself I would push through all of this, so I might as well...

It's just that, things with Veronica are fresher in my mind because we only broke up for good about two or three years ago; and the last year of...or more actually, the entirety of that relationship, was, without a doubt, the worst, most miserable time of my life. I've explained some of Veronica's...issues before, but she & I ended up dating on & off (mostly off) for almost a decade, and if I had a million years & a million fingers, I'd never be able to list all of the crazyiness I saw over the course of those years. The total time we spent togather, if you were to add it up, was probably about three & a half years, spread out over 10, with breaks of 2 & 3 years in between; but just like clockwork, every time something would come along to bruise my ego, hurt my feelings, or damage my self-esteem, no matter how much I knew I shouldn't, I would always end up picking up that phone & calling Veronica.

Actually, though, this time, I didn't call her at all. She showed up at the store where I worked one night about a month or so after Maria & I had broken up. We hadn't spoken since the last time we had a little tryst, and that had ended badly, but that night, it was apparently bygones to her, because she showed up unnannounced, all excited to show me the new car she had just gotten. Actually, it was a used Escort, and it was kinda crappy, but she was proud of it & I was happy for her. I knew that wasn't the only reason she had shown up, though...especially so close to closing time. I'm sure she also knew that I had just been dumped & was probably willing to take her chances, so she did just that & asked if she could follow me back to my place & have a glass of wine. I guess you all know what I said...

When we got there, though, I tried to be good..I really, really did. I knew that she was trouble (though I still couldn't have fathomed how much), but gosh, it was awful hard to have somebody as pretty as her curled up there on the sofa next to me, leaning in as close as she could. Still, I held out for a while, so after a bit, she turned to me & said "I need a kiss".

Ok...not the smoothest or most seductive line I've ever heard, but at least it was straightforward. I'm pretty sure I even tried to protest at first, but it was a lost cause; we were both young, lonely, and judging by what happened next, extremely horny.

We ended up on my bed, and I remember it was really fast & furious; uncharacteristic for both of us. In the middle of it all, though...or maybe nearer the end, she did the first thing of the night that freaked me out...I was actually surprised it had taken so long...but, boy, was it a doozy. In the midst of moaning my name in passion, she suddenly said, clear as day & with the emphasis only passion can give, "I love you!".

Whoa. Do ya', now? Remember, we had been on a few dates, and I had told her that I wasn't interested in that kind of relationship with her, or anyone at that point, and that had been that; we'd barely talked since. But now she loves me? Surely, it must just be something she's used to saying in the heat of passion, I thought...she might have said it to her ex-husband all the time; like "Oh, god!", or something. I hoped, that was the case, anyhow; either way, I was able to rationolize it & put it out of my mind fast enough to not break my stride. All I said was "Don't say that...we shouldn't say that.", and then it was back to business. She didn't mention it afterwards that I remember, but I didn't forget it. I remember standing in the bathroom afterwards & thinking that, maybe I had just made a huge mistake...again.

I came out of the bathroom and, and we got up &put our clothes back on, and I do remember how stunningly beautiful her body looked then, with the shafts of light coming in through the venetian blinds painting her like some kind of animal. I debated as to wheteher I should say something about what she had said or not, and I know I brought it up somehow, but I can't remember what we said; only that she kind of just brushed it off.

Only thing I remember clearly after that was that she asked me again whether we might try actually dating each other, and I told her that I still didn't feel like we would be compatible in that way (I left out the part where I was beginning to see that she was crazy & that she freaked me out about 40% of the time), and that I had just broken up with Maria, besides. She said, rightly so, that that was the same line I gave her after I had broken up with Kara, true as that may have been. I said to her, for the first time of many, that if it was a relationship she was looking for, then she should just look elsewhere, and stop putting us both in situations that will only end up with one person feeling short-changed. Yeah, I know, it takes two to tango, and I could have said all this before the sex, but I'm not perfect, and that's why we're here in the first place...

So, we didn't exactly fight, but once again, she left with hard feelings...and honestly, I was just glad to see her leave. After three times now, even someone as blind as me could see that Veronica was nothing but trouble, and I knew that I couldn't let myself get caught up with her in a moment of weakness again; I knew I wouldn't get off so easy next time.

That turned out to be the understatement of the century.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The kids aren't alright...

Well, a couple of days ago, I got hit with some extremely big news. My best friend, Alan, is going to be a father...

Of course, I'm very happy for him & his wife; they've both always wanted children, and they've been waiting five years since they got married for him to finish law school to start a family. All that having been said, I, and all of our other friends, are more than a little bit freaked out. Not because we know that things will change & we won't be able to hang out & act like idiots as much as we used to; other friends of ours have been having children for years, so there's nothing intrinsically new about it.

Alan, however, is my best friend in the world, and this time, it will be different. I'll end up as the kid's 'Uncle X', and will most likely be very involved in the kid's life...which in a lot of ways is good, because Alan & Bess, his wife, are completely devoid of any kind of artistic sensibility or creativity...so if the kid wants to be anything other than an accountant, I'm pretty much the only chance he's got. This does not bother me, either; I like kids & I'm pretty darn good with 'em...I'm just not ready for my own. What bothers me, and everyone else who knows them, is that in no way do I think Alan & Bess should be having a child...

The first reason I feel this way is that Bess (I think that's the fake name I gave her when I mentioned her before; if not, adjust), bless her heart, is crazy. I say that with a lot of love, but that's only because I'm not the one married to her; I'm not exaggerating at all when I say she is the single most high-maintenance girl I've ever seen. She needs more constant attention than a newborn baby, and is about as moody most of the time, too. Basically, if she had her way, all of Alan's time would be spent by working 10 hours a day, to pay for a nice house that he could then come home to every night, just to sit and stare at her in awe, waiting on her hand & foot & pampering her like a princess. That's pretty much her dream life. Again, I do love her & I exaggerate for effect...but not much.

Now, you might wonder how & why Alan puts up with this, and the answer is basically that he's the most easy-going, nonchalant guy in the world; nothing...and I mean nothing...fazes him. He's the kind of guy who could see a spaceship crash in his backyard & his first thought would be whether his homeowner's insurance would cover the damages. So, somehow he's able to let all her neurosis pass in one ear & out the other & still love her anyway. In a lot of ways, they're made for each other...but that doesn't mean they're ready to have a kid...

Because of the way they are, they constantly argue, there's constantly drama of biblical proportions happening, Bess is on all kinds of anti-depressants & anxiety meds, and Alan basically spends as much time away from her as he can just so he won't have to listen to the constant insanity (and trust me, some of it is truly insane). Somehow, through all this, their relationship still functions, but there's still all kinds of problems with it, and they both seem to think that a baby will just magically fix it all. I say it's gonna make it blow up like an ACME bowling-ball bomb...

And the reason I say that is, because I know Alan; I know how he is, and I know the reasons he got married. Sure, he loves Bess...but that wasn't it, so much as the fact that he's basically been programmed to marry someone as soon as possible from the day he was born...something with which I cannot identify at all...and I don't think he even really realizes it. I think he does realize one thing, though; that, however much he loves his wife, she was someone that he settled for.

You see, Alan had a 'big one' in his life too; his own personal Kara, and what happened to him was similar in a lot of ways to what happened to me. So was the way he dealt with it afterwards: by latching onto the first woman he found on the rebound. Only difference was...he married her. He loved her, sure...and he still does, but he got married because he was tired.

I'm not trying to trivialize his marriage or anything, but I think it's true...and I think he deserved better. But, that having been said, I understand it, and I'll tell you why.

'Cus we're scared. Men. All of us. Plain as day; we're just plum' terrified. We're scared to grow up. We're scared you'll take our toys away, we're scared that you'll yell at us to come inside if we're out playing with our friends. We're scared that you'll make us wear those icky clothes. We're scared...that things will change. But, we're also scared of being alone...and that doesn't go very well with all the stuff that I mentioned before. And, the older we get, the older that last part starts to tip the scales a little more...

BUT, Caveat emptor, ladies!

Just because life is no longer a 24-hour frat party doesn't mean 30-something Joe Schmo is marriage material yet by a long shot; first of all, he's only now started to have had some semi-serious relationships, and all the things his mother did to him haven't even been discovered yet in moments of passionless awkwardness. In other words, he's still got some oats to sow. He may try to sow 'em straighter this time, and may not spread 'em around so much...but the fear is still there; the fear that things will change...

Guys who pass this stage without marrying yet (or, as I call them, priors), will, at about the age of 35, begin to resemble that guy you've seen all your life. Mister. Mister so & so. Mister DeGiacomo down at the market, Mister Hays behind the counter at the Fotomat, Mister Chessmore's Cage-free farm-fresh eggs. For better or worse, you're a man at this point. Teenagers no longer see you as any type of sexual being...go to a high school football game & prove it to yourself (its a depressing thought when realized). If you're lucky, you may have an actual job that you don't wear a name tag during, and be on the way up the career ladder. This is the stage where the single man is at his most prized as a commodity. Due to the woman's panic resulting from all her friend's wedding bells still ringing in their ears since about age 25, this may be the single only window in life when women want men more than men want women.....maybe.

Therefore, the man is now faced with his greatest conundrum to date...by now, he's tired of hanging out in bars; sick of all the games people have to go through while dating...thinks it may be nice to have somebody around just to be with. Then again....who's the prize here? The ticking of a thousand biological clocks can be like a siren song to a man, and this is another stage where he may take the plunge, or he may try to swim a little further...but damn that water sure is getting cold out there. Cold enuff to scare a fella'....and that's what this was really all about in the first place, wasn't it...fear?

If we take the plunge, then they'll finally take our toys away, they'll finally make us come inside at dinnertime, they'll do everything that my mom used to do. God, I just want out of all this, you start to think, I just want to go home, I just want.....my mom?

And for some guys, it comes that clearly. They realize what they need. I'm not saying that every man marries to have another mother, or maid, or caretaker, but I AM saying that men do get married for that same sense of safeness & security that only your mother has brought you up 'til this point in your life. Some guys just want to be safe at home again, and this time make it their own. They want to build the treehouse they always planned to build with their dad & never finished, they want to paint the livingroom the color they like...and more power to 'em. I tried to be one of those guys once, or at least I tried to try, but it didn't take. Alan, however, is, and has always been destined to be, one of those guys.

Other guys, they don't settle so easy. They always think the next best thing is going to come around the corner, and damn if their gonna let themselves get tied down before that happens. So, they become professional daters, always looking for mrs/mr right, always comparing, judging, playing games, going nowhere. Still looking for that big score, but not even sure what it looks like any more. By that time, the professional dating market is headhunting younger recruits, and you end up as a professional....well, professional me, I guess.

Well, Alan took the safer route...and I'm not so sure he was wrong to do so..but still, I do worry about them bringing a child into the middle of a relationship that already needs so much work to begin with. I know it's not really my place to say, but it's how I feel, and I told him as much to his face already. Of course, he just shrugged & assured me it would all be ok, just like he does with everything, and maybe somehow it will...but I'm just worried about them, I guess. I know people have children under much worse conditions every day...but I usually don't have to be involved.

So, what's my point after all this, you ask? I have no freakin' idea...but I can say one thing: as much as I love the guy like a brother, better him than me.

Then again, he is the one going home to someone tonight, after all...

Monday, November 14, 2005

'Tis the season...

Well, the lawyers for the two warring family factions are meeting later this morning to see if my family is actually going to take each other to court or not. Both the attorneys have told my grandmother that she really doesn't have much of a case, but apparently they've never dealt with her before; my grandmother makes Bill O' Reilly look reasonable & unbiased...

So, I still don't know what's going to happen; nothing has really changed, except we've started to just be used to the tension, I guess. Oddly enough, the person who is probably the most content & least affected through all this is my great-grandpa, so thank god for small favors. I'm still losing sleep over it, though, and I know my mom is just about to collapse from nerves & exhaustion. She's going to go spend Thanksgiving with some cousins we haven't seen in years, and I think that will be good for her; she seems to be happy about that, at least.

These are cousins that, for one stupid reason or another, were branded & shunned by my grandmother years ago, and consequently have avoided her, and therefore the rest of us by proxy, for years. Turns out that most of those rifts were all caused by ridiculous misunderstandings or crazy antics on my grandmother's part, too...that we had only heard her side of up 'til now, of course. So, maybe some good will come out of this mess after all...I just still can't grasp it all.

I did get some potentially good news today on the work front, so that was something of a silver lining...if it pans out...but it's iffy, at best, and iffy is not what I need right now. I've been phenomenally lucky the past few years to have a steady stream of gigs & to be able to set my own hours & avoid having to have an actual 9-5 'job' (*shudder*), but things have been slow as molasses in this town lately, and the bills are piling up 'cus of the time I've had to spend dealing with all the drama, and basically, something's gotta give...soon, else I'll be faced with decisions potentially damaging to my bohemian lifestyle that I don't know if I'll be able to cope with. I hate the sound of a ringing phone, but dammit, somebody call me with a job...

Plus, I can't freakin' believe that it's only a few weeks 'til Christmas. I'm usually a huge sucker for the holidays. I love all the cheesy decorations, and the music, and the lights strung all over downtown, and A Charlie Brown Christmas, and everything that goes with it...but the last few Christmases have been nothing to write home about, and this one has apparently already been shot to hell. At the beginning of this year, I had a few reasons to believe that this year might be different, but I never in a million years could have foreseen all this family drama happening, and now, I'm not sure I even want to try to notice the holidays all that much this year. I'd like to, though. I'd love some halls to deck...

Santa, you out there?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Magic & Loss...

So the storm passed eventually; she went back up to school & I went back to work. Neither one of us wanted to say it, but we were both glad to have a break from each other. I mean, it wasn't exactly hell week that we'd been through, but we were both 21 years old, and neither one of us had spent so much time all up in somebody else's business like that before, so it definitely freaked us both out. And, as much as it had freaked me out, I worried that it had freaked her out more; we had never really had any real disagreements or spats before that week, and to quote the great Steve Howe, "It was the first time I saw a crack appear in the wall".

The next week, we talked a few times, and after a few days it seemed that we both missed each other again just like always...even though I was still a little paranoid, and, in retrospect, was probably a little...overcompensating might be the word, I dunno. I was just trying to be as palatable as I could to her, because even though i was not yet attatched to her the way I had been some others, I still didn't want to lose her; I knew she was a catch.

We had a trip we'd been planning for a while to go up to her school & attend some social function for the academic sorority she was in (one of those brainy, boring sororities; not the ones with the roofie parties) in a few weeks. It happened to fall right around both Valentine's Day & my birthday, so we were going to celebrate them together, and the thought of that helped to set my mind at ease that all would be well in the end.

I remember she did come down a week or so before that, after the ice storm had subsided, but while there was still a beautiful layer of snow on the ground; something we get far too seldom here. We went to go see the Violent Femmes that weekend at a local hall, and Alan & his girlfriend at the time, Mindy, came with us. We drove Maria's Volvo, Sherman, to the show, and I ran that huge tank of a car up onto an embankment while trying to parallel park it & put a big scratch down the side. I felt like I had just run over her puppy, but she was very sweet about it; I offered to pay for the damages, but she insisted that it just gave him more 'character'. For all our differences, we were alike in a lot of ways.

We had a great time at the concert, especially seeing as I had been trying to see the Femmes for about 5 years at that point, but some wacky incident always happened to keep me from the show, including the time that I wound up with a four-inch nail sticking out of my forehead...but I digress. We had a good time that weekend, and some of the best sex afterwards that we ever had. I still felt that something was a little different lately, but I figured that maybe we were just finally getting used to each other; after all...that big initial spark can't last forever (or at least that's how I've tried to rationalize things a few times; dunno how true it is, but don't burst my bubble).

The Sunday she was to leave, my new sister & brother were having a BBQ lunch for me for an early birthday, since I was gonna be out of town with Maria the next week. She had planned to come with me, but at the last minute, she said she had too much work to finish before the next morning & she was afraid she'd be distracted or have to cut out early, so she asked if she could wait to meet them some other time. I was disappointed, and a little hurt that she wouldn't take a little while longer out of the day to come meet all my new family members that had just come into my life, but I knew she was busy & I knew she was responsible, and even though it probably just made me a little more paranoid (a common trend for me in my early relationships, I'm sure you all now know), I gave her the benefit of the doubt. My sister & brother and I did end up having a great time, regardless...and we learned that we all liked to smoke pot back then, too, which clinched the family bond even tighter...

The next weekend was the big sorority event, and I was both excited & nervous all at once. I was nervous because it was the first time I would really be entering her social world, as opposed to her always hanging within mine, but I was excited to be with her on Valentine's, and to see her in her incredibly sexy formal dress, and, on a lesser, much more vain, but still valid point, to see how much cooler I was than all the lab geeks she had been dating before me; the answer to which was considerable, of course, but again, I digress...

We had a nice hotel room set up in the place where the event was being held, and we snuck off to it for a quickie before she had to get ready for her duties as master of ceremonies, or the main speaker, or the valadic-luade or whatever she was. She did end up looking incredibly sexy in her formal dress, even though me in my goofy-ass borrowed suit & foppish tie probably took her down a notch or so (she was too busy to help dress me, which is what you pretty much have to do if you want me to look acceptable in those kind of situations...sorry).

The event was very stiff & formal & everything I hate...and I don't think it was really her bag either, but it was gonna look good on her transcripts, so she played that room like a pro, and I was impressed. She drug me onto the dance floor a couple of times, and we ended up having a blast; we even both got a little drunk, which we had never done together before. All the little former chess club members stared in envy at us all night, because, say what you might about me, she was definitely the hottest scientist in the joint, and she was never much for public displays of affection, but there in her element, she cut pretty loose, and it was pretty nice...

After the shindig wound down, we retired up to our room, where she immediately kissed me, gently laid me down on the bed, slowly took off all my clothes, and then told me not to move, while she went into the bathroom. I didn't have any idea what she was up to, but I knew it was gonna be one hell of a birthday...

A few minutes later, she flipped off the lights behind me, lit some candles, and stepped out of the light, completely nude, except for a pair of long, black lacy nylon gloves, and the sheer stockings to match...nothing in between. She held a little heart shaped birthday cake in her hands (that it took me a long time to even notice) with 1 candle in the middle, and was singing 'Happy Birthday to me" in the sexiest Marilyn Monroe voice she could muster. She looked like a dirty little angel, and I'll never forget it as long as I live. We made love the rest of the night, only stopping to listen & laugh at the couple in the room behind us doing the same through the thin walls. It was one hell of a birthday.

The next day, we woke up early so she could help clean up from the night before, and afterwards we went out to lunch at the House o' Pancakes, which she was really insistent about, I remember. Who knows, anyway...

Afterwards, we got back to her dorm, where I gathered my things I had brought for the weekend & got ready to drive back to town. I remember I was sitting on her little single bed, packing my backpack, when she stood up over me, held out her hand to mine, and said "Come here".

I stood up & held her hand, and she looked up at me for a second, then she looked down at her feet & said "We need to talk".

Oh, fine....

She asked me if I remembered the conversation we had a few weeks ago about how you shouldn't settle for second best in life, when you still haven't had enough time to figure out what it is you even want yet? I didn't remember talking about that offhand, but I suppose it was possible we did, and I told her that. But what was her point, I asked?

She looked up at me again & went on to say that she had grown to care about me very much, and even to love me, but that the more she had grown to know me, the more she found out how different we really were. She asked if I thought the same thing, and, taken aback as I was, I had to admit to her that I did. I mean, I had thought about it before; Maria & I were definitely attracted to each other, and we got along well enough together...but we didn't have any real shared passions; nothing that really drew us to each other, more than just liking each others company. We didn't like the same things for the most part (we didn't argue about them, but we just kind of had our own things we were interested in), we were in the most diametrically opposite fields 2 people could possibly be in; she was a scientist & I was an artist...I didn't understand her passion for microbes anymore than she understood any of my geeky interests; there were plenty of things in the way.

Truthfully, I had just never thought far enough into the future about Maria to even think about those things yet. I loved her, and our relationship had done untold wonders for my piece of mind & my faith in relationships in general, but it had all happened too fast & the shadow of other things was still hanging over my head too much the whole time we were together to see things as clearly as she could, I guess. And, even though it hurt to hear it, I knew she was right.

So, we talked for a while about what we should do...which amazed me, that people could actually sit & talk & be calm and rational during something as emotional as a breakup...that was definite news to me. We both agreed that we loved each other, and had the greatest respect for one another, but we both agreed that deep down inside, we just probably weren't right for each other, and, out of the blue & bad timing though it was, that this was probably the best thing to do.

She did apologize over & over for all this coming out on my birthday & Valentines, but she said she wanted us to have one more special weekend together...and that maybe, had it been special enough, she might have re-thought her actions...but I guess it wasn't that special. That sounds bitter; scratch that...if there's one girl in the world that I ever dated that I'm not angry or bitter about in the least, it's always been Maria. just as she was the first real 'adult' relationship I ever had, so was she the first adult break-up; we parted ways that day as amicable as can be...we hugged & kissed each other & wished each other the best, and somehow, it just felt right...like we were finally growing up, and learning to do the right thing. I thought that this is how adults handle these things, and maybe from now on, these things don't have to be some traumatic & totally disrupt my life anymore. Funny as it sounds, breaking up with Maria gave me as much hope & confidence back as being with her.


Boy, if only my other breakups had turned out to be like that....

Maria did ask if we could remain friends, and I told her that I would like to do that, but it might take me a while; back then (and still now, honestly), the only way I knew to deal with a breakup without going mental was to put the girl totally out of sight & out of mind, so I told her that at some point, I did want to be her friend, but it was going to take some time to get over it all first. She said that she understood, and that I was always welcome in her life, and to call her anytime.

Then, I remember it like yesterday; she put her arms around me, kissed me long on the lips one last time, looked up at me, and said "You'll always be one of the most special people I ever knew. I'm so glad I got to know you."

I told her that I felt lucky just to have spent the time with her that I did, and that I would always be there for her if she ever needed me for anything. Then I kissed her on the forehead, told her goodbye, picked up my backpack, and walked out the door.

I drove the hour-long ride home holding back my tears, but feeling prouder than I had felt of myself in years; and at the same time, I knew I was going to miss her terribly. I knew I probably hadn't had time to or hadn't let myself fall truly in love with her, but I did love Maria, and afterwards, I always wished the best for her. She never knew it, but she was a very important part of my life, no matter how little the time we spent together added up to in the long run. She was the first time that I tried; I tried to do things right; tried to be a man this time instead of a kid; tried to be honorable & faithful instead of an irresponsible punk; I tried to grow up. And no matter how it turned out, it was the first relationship that showed me that things between two people could be...normal, and happy, and genuine, and that people could be honest, and trustworthy. Maria taught me a lot, whether she ever knew it our not; I was lucky that a girl like her ever decided to try & shine a little sunlight into the blacked-out shades of a guy like me...and I'll never forget her for that.

After I left that day, I never saw or heard from her again. Wherever you are, here's to you, Maria...you were one of the good ones.

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Snowblind...

So, it was right after the new year. Maria & I hadn't seen each other for a week or so; I remember she was going to come down the following weekend, but had some car trouble with Sherman & didn't make it. It was the following Monday morning; I was at home asleep, as it was my day off, when the phone rang, waking me up. It was my boss. His voice sounded shaky & unsure, and he just said "X, we just heard...are you ok?".

I felt fine, so I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, so I asked him what was up. He hesitated for a long moment and said "Well, I was looking through the paper this morning, and...well, it looks like your father has died."

I didn't know if I had heard him quite right at first, so I asked him to repeat it. He told me that he had been looking through the obituaries, and he had seen a listing for who he had assumed to be my estranged father; we had the same name, and I was listed as one of his survivors. Also listed were some other children, a brother & 2 sisters, that I had never heard of before. When he realized I knew nothing about it, he seemed almost guilty that he had called, but I thanked him, and told him I don't know how else I would have even found out. I assured him I was ok, ran across the street to get a paper & came back to call my mom & inform her the news.

You see, in a nutshell, I had never known my father. I mean, I knew who he was, and I had vague memories of him before he left when I was almost two, but I had never seen him since. He was never mentioned when I was growing up, and it was not until much later that I learned that my father was not the most reputable of men, who had gotten mixed up in some shady business, been run out of town out of fear for his life, and had ended up spending several years in & out of prison. I had only spoken to him once before; he called me on my 18th birthday out of the blue. We spoke for maybe five minutes, and he asked how I was & promised we would get together soon. We never did.

So, when I told my mom what had happened, and read her the obituary, there was no doubt that it was him, and my mom wasn't all that surprised. Apparently, he had a longtime heroin habit, and had finally shot up a dose big enough to stop his heart; he was dead at 55. My mom recognized one of the other names in the obituary; his previous wife before they had been married, and she figured the other kids must have been from her, since she knew he already had children before they married, but had never met tham, as they were in the care ofd their mother somewhere...which we later learned was only a few miles away all these years.

She asked me what I wanted to do; did I want to go to the funeral & wake or not. I thought about it for a while & decided that I did; I just thought it was the right thing to do, and I was curious about meeting the rest of my family. Honestly, the whole thing was pretty surreal, but I was in a pretty solid place in my life for the first time in years, and I thought I handled it pretty well. I called Maria & told her what had happened, and she was very concerned about me. She asked if I wanted her to come down to be with me, but I knew she had school to deal with, and I wanted to face whatever I was about to face myself, so I told her I would be fine, but I loved her & I would let her know how it went as soon as I could.

The next day, I forced myself into a shirt & tie (ugh) and went to the funeral home listed in the paper; just walking in blindly. When we arrived, my mom was recognized by an old friend of my dad's & as she told her who I was. As soon as the woman, Goldie, saw me, she almost gasped at how much I looked like my father. I noticed people around the room looking my way & knew they must see it, too. Goldie then took me around the room introducing me to various people that I was related to, but never knew existed; my aunts, an uncle, and finally, my older brother. He was 10 years older than me, and about 2 inches & 50lb bigger, but I'll be damned if we didn't both look like my dad...anyone could have seen we were brothers. We hugged each other, and it was one of the strangest, yet best feelings I'd ever had. He told me that my sister should be showing up any minute, and that they had both been hoping I would come, since they didn't know how to reach me; they had apparently been trying to track me down the whole time my dad had been ill.

I went over to sit with my mom for a second & tell her about everything, when all of a sudden, one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen walked into the parlor. Somehow, I knew the truth right away, but I remember thinking to myself "Please, don't let that be my sister...oh please, oh please". But, just then, she turned toward me & her face lit up. She ran over to me, threw her arms around me, kissed me on the cheek, and said "I know who you are! Hi, little brother". It was my sister.

She was two years younger than my brother, and was married with children, and right away I felt a bond with her like I'd never felt before. We spend the whole night talking about each other & hearing stories about my dad (who she hadn't seen much in life, but had had occasional contact with him). I knew right then that we were going to be close, and make up for all the years we missed, and we've done just that. I love my sister.

Anyway, I also got to lay eyes upon my dad for the first time, and the things I remember most are how much he looked like me, and wondering how in the hell he had managed to die with a beautiful, full head of hair, when mine was already going in my early 20's. That's about the only reason I could find to really be upset with him. I know that growing up with a dad would have probably done me some good, but I never blamed him for what happened & I still don't now. I'm glad I got to see him that one time.

It was a very emotional night, and the funeral the next day was even more so, but that day, I got to meet my grandmother on my dad's side that I had never met before, and spending time with her was one of the best times of my life. We got along so well & she doted on me enough to make up for the past 20 years. She, my sister, and my brother & I all bonded that weekend, and we vowed to try to be a real family from then on. We haven't always done that well, but we're all still in each other's lives, and if it took my father's death to bring us all together, then at least something good came out of it.

When I got home that Sunday, I called Maria & told her about what all had happened. She was happy for me that I had reconnected with my lost family, and she also had a couple of days with no classes, so she panned to come up the next day & stay for a couple of days. I was really looking forward to seeing her, and we both hung up that night & went to sleep with anticipation.

The next day, she showed up in the mid-afternoon, and we went out for Mexican food at a place nearby. We had heard on the radio that day that a storm might be moving our way, so we decided to go rent some videos, and just curl up on the couch & drink hot cocoa for a night or two while the snow came down outside.

By the end of the night, the storm warning had been upgraded several levels, and it looked like a major ice storm might be on the way. We discussed whether she should maybe try to go on back up to school before the storm hit, in case it got too bad, but we hadn't seen each other for a while & she didn't want to leave any more than I wanted her too. So, we snuggled up & decided to ride it out.

We had no idea.

I don't know how many of you remember the great ice storm of winter 1993-94, but the next morning, that storm struck this town like Godzilla hitting Japan. Power lines went down all over the city; the roads froze over so fast they couldn't be plowed or salted; almost 80% of the city lost power, businesses closed down en masse, and the roads were completely impassable. It totally shut this town down for almost 2 weeks. And maria & I were stuck there, all alone, completely trapped in the middle of it all.

We began to find out just how compatible we really were.

The first day or two was ok; it was even kind of romantic at times; there we were, all snowed in, but luckily, I still had electricity & at least we had each other. Sounds perfect, doesn't it? Well, by the third & fourth day, the cabin fever started to set in. I couldn't even go so far as down to the market for a pack of cigarettes, and so I probably got really edgy really early on. She had a lot of schoolwork & labwork to be done that week, and she was unable to access any of it, so she was getting more stressed out by the day. Meanwhile, the phones didn't work for a few days, and about all we had to eat was lotsa lunch meat & bread, cereal, and a ton of ramen noodles. I started to realize that it was times like this that were the crucible of any relationship...for better or for worse & all that. I didn't know if we were gonna make it.

Of course, I didn't really think too far into the long-term ramifications of it; I didn't realize you could look at the whole situation as a microcosm of what our realtionsip could possibly be, if we were really compatible or not. I just figured we might get a little sick of each other, but we'd get some space & fresh air, and all would be fine again.

I guess I underestimated what it would be like to be trapped in a house with me for almost two weeks....

Monday, November 7, 2005

Thanks

I don't wanna get too mushy here, but I just want to say a very heartfelt thank you to all you guys who've left me such supportive comments & e-mails over the last few days regarding my family; I can't tell you how much it means to me. When I first started this project, I thought it would be pretty much a one-man show; I never expected anybody to really give a damn, so thank you for thinking of me & my family. As much as it probably helps me, I'm not sure if I'd still be doing this if you guys were'nt reading it (or maybe I would), so don't think I don't appreciate it...

Things are still pretty stressful around here, and I still can't really gather two coherent thoughts in a row to actually blog about anything. Spent most of the weekend with my mom, just trying to be there for her...something I should have done a lot more often in my life; don't take your mommas for granted, folks.My grandmother called me tonight by accident; she hit the wrong button on her speed-dial, but she barely spoke to me, she just got right back off the phone. I don't even have enough of a grip on my emotions to know how to feel about that right now...

Meanwhile, I have all of one job lined up between now & Christmas, and this weekend I had to miss the recording session for the commentary track on the feature I've been working on 'cus of all the drama happening, so I'm out that money, too...not to mention I won't be on the track. And you know what; I'm anonymous here, so let me just go on the record & say that I don't give a shit, 'cus it's a crappy freakin' movie anyway; they're lucky I'm even putting my real name on the thing...so there. Still, the cash would be nice...

And now I've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to think of somthing to say besides just complaining, and I'm not having any luck, so I'm just gonna go watch Desperate Housewives on tivo & pass out. Yes, you heard me right....

Friday, November 4, 2005

The ties that bind...

Back to the present for now.

There are some things that have happened in the past few days that have completely turned my world upside down. My family is now tearing itself apart, as we speak.

I've never had a normal or especially functional family, but all my life, at least we've always loved each other, and stuck together. I've always been jealous of my friends & their huge, tight-knit Catholic families, but my family has always been there for each other over the years, and I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined any kind of serious feud happening or anything, but after what's happened lately, I don't know what to think anymore.


My great-grandfather; the patriarch of the family, the man who basically raised both me and my mother, is 96 years old, and he's dying. He has struggled and suffered more than any man should ever have to in the five years since my great-grandmother died, and I've had to see the single toughest man I ever knew reduced to a heartbroken invalid, unable to care for himself. Ever since we lost my great-grandma, he's been devastated, and his health has steadily deteriorated ; his mind & his organs are failing him, he's barely cognizant anymore, and about the best we can do for him is to make him comfortable in his last days, so he can finally be at peace.


My mom, my grandmother, my great-uncle, and I have been caring for him round-the clock until last month, when we were finally forced to admit him to a nursing home where he could have the more professional care he now needs. My grandmother (his step-daughter), who is the resident control-freak in the family, insisted we take him to the same home that my great-grandmother was in, so we agreed.
Within a week of his admittance, he was almost dead. The transition to the new environment was a shock to him, and the facility was a long-term medical care home that would poke, prod & examine him every time he had the slightest problem whatsoever. He was wired up to all manner of machinery & was having several episodes per day, and was in danger of having a stroke from the shock & the stress.

So, when it became clear that he was getting worse, his doctor of 40 years finally advised us that there was basically nothing else that medicine could do for him; he was almost 100 years old, and it was just nearing his time. He advised us to let him go to an Alive Hospice, and just try to make him as comfortable as possible until it's his time. My great uncle (his son & power of attorney, and the person who loves him more, and has done more for him than anyone else in the world) agreed, and we took him there a few weeks ago...at which time my grandmother completely flipped out. She claimed that we were taking him somewhere to drop him off to die; that we were as good as murdering him.

She said that he needed to be in the nursing home, where, when he finally goes catatonic, they can hook him up to IV's and respirate him artificially & keep him alive basically as long as we see fit...which is about the cruelest thing I can imagine, not to mention an end far too undignified for the man that reared me. We did keep my great-grandmother artificially respirated before she passed away, but it was at my grandmother's insistence again, and mainly agreed upon so as not to further traumatize my great-grandfather, who basically lived for his visits with her. But, since we don't want my great-grandpa to suffer the same way, we've been labeled by my grandmother as cold-blooded murderers.


My grandmother quit speaking to my mom, my uncle & me about 2 weeks ago, but she has somehow brainwashed my grandfather (her husband, not my dying great-grandfather) & my other uncles into taking her side, and now it's gotten
really ugly. I honestly can't understand what the hell they're thinking; I mean, my grandmother has always been a super high-strung control freak, but my uncles & my grandfather are smart, reasonable people. I suppose they all think that somehow the folks at the nursing home can give just give him a magic pill that will make him not be 96 years old anymore & give him all his health back & allow him to live until the year 2525.

So, as if all this wasn't bad enough, my grandmother (or one of her proxies) has been staying at the hospice 24/7, hovering over my great-grandfather like a hawk, barking orders at the nurses & interfering with their treatment so much that she's been thrown out on more than one occasion. Yesterday, when she refused to leave after my great-uncle showed up, she & her husband went crazy & physically assaulted my uncle. My 80 year-old grandfather punched him in the face, and security had to come and break the whole scene up, while my great-grandfather lay on his bed 2 feet away, crying & screaming, totally unaware of where he was or what was happening, almost having a heart attack from all the commotion.


So, now, my grandmother says she's going to sue my uncle for power of attorney (which she won't get), and subpoena both me & my mom to testify (I have no idea about what; maybe she's planning to use the magic pill theory). Meanwhile, we're all out of the will (all fifty-nine cents of it), the entire family is in complete turmoil, my poor momma is caught right in the middle, and my great-grandma is rolling over in her grave as we speak...and I never, ever, in a million years, thought anything like this could ever happen in my family.


And it's not going to end well, because the only thing that would make this end is for us to just let my grandmother have what she wants, just like always, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let her string my great-grandpa up like aqualung just so she can sleep better at night. And my poor momma, who has been at my grandmother's beck and call, and at the mercy of all her crazy whims for 60 years, is going to lose her mother, her father, and her brothers just because she loves her grandpa & doesn't want to see him suffer any more just so my grandmother can go visit him & make herself feel better. It's just unbelievable...


I sat over at my mom's house tonight, and listened to her cry because she didn't know where she was going to spend Thanksgiving, and if she should even bother to buy a Christmas tree this year.


And all the time I spend here, worrying about things I did to myself years ago...that I should just be a man about & get over, like my great-grandpa told me...and taking my family for granted, just like I've done all my life...well, just don't take anything for granted, is my point. It's killing me to watch this happen & know I can't do anything about it. I don't know what's going to happen..but I don't think things will ever be the same again.


And on top of it all, my friend Elaine reminded me today that it's been two years this month since I've so much as asked a girl out on a date. Boy, the holidays are just gonna be a blast...

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Meanwhile, back in 1993...

Well, I can't sleep, and I have to be up in a little while anyway, so I might as well try this again. Let's see; what happened...

So I was dating Maria. There was one thing about Maria especially that made her stand out from the girls I had dated previously: she was sane. Those were actually my mom's words; the first time I took her over to meet my family was on Christmas of that year, and after about 15 minutes, my mom, used to the turmoil of Kara by this point, grabbed me, pulled me to the side, and excitedly whispered in my ear "X, I like her; she's sane! You better hang on to her!". Easier said than done, mom...

I don't remember much about the holidays that year; I know that she spent Thanksgiving at her family's house, but she did elect to come & spend Christmas with me, and I thought that was a big deal...maybe it actually was. Either way, we did have a really nice Christmas; I can't remember for the life of me what she bought me (can I? Maybe it'll come to me...), but I, being the worst shopper in the world, in case you forgot, tried until the last minute & still couldn't find anything, so I fell back on my old standby & bought her a leather jacket...'cus what girl doesn't look hot in a leather jacket? I should really get some kinda discount at that leather shop by now.

I think it had been sometime right after Thanksgiving, though, when she had come down for a weekend, that we said the three words. I remember she had brought some candles over & was taking a hot bath when she called me into the room, told me to lean down & give her a kiss, and pulled me into the tub. Now, I lived in a small apartment, and as some of you might know, sex in a regular tub doesn't exactly live up to the hype, so we eventually ended up on the floor, soaking the carpet & almost electrocuting ourselves on the heater, but barely even noticing. Afterwards, I remember she was on top of me, and I looked up at her and saw the light catch her face just so, and I opened my mouth to say it, but I hesitated for a second, and she said it before I had a chance to. I told her I loved her, too, and pulled her down & kissed her.

Afterwards, we talked about it & she said she had been wanting to say it for a while, and she had thought she had seen me almost say it once or twice (which was true), so she figured she'd just go ahead & take the plunge first. I can't remember what I said to her, but I remember how I felt; I was falling in love with her; she was way too sweet not too, and after Kara, to have someone who actually seemed to give a damn about my feelings was like a revelation in itself. I remember thinking that this has to be something close to what it's supposed to be like; with Andi I was a kid, with Gloria I never felt it, even if I told her I did, with Roxanne, she never felt it back, and with Kara, she never showed it no matter what she felt, so really this was the first time I had ever had feelings for somebody where there wasn't something....wrong. I thought that this was how people were supposed to fall in love, and that I might finally see what this whole thing is about...

So, needless to say, all through the holidays, I was a happy camper. Everything was going great for the first time in my life; I had a steady job that I liked, I had my own place, I had all my idiot friends around & a girl that loved me and actually got along with my friends as well. Kara & I never hung out with people as a couple because she liked to hide our relationship from the world so as not to limit her options, and Gloria was never great at getting along with folks, so she was also the first girlfriend I had ever had that I could actually hang out with & have a good time & bring along with my friends...and just be normal, which I know I keep emphasizing, but which really was a revelation in those days.

I was still a little too cautious to look too far ahead, but I really thought for a while that maybe she just might be the one. In fact, she asked me to marry her once. Don't freak out, it's not quite like it sounds...but it was still pretty wacky. I remember we were talking once about the future, and she mentioned how she never wanted to have kids, and I told her that, at that point, I wasn't really sure if I did either. She started thinking and then she said we should just go get a quickie marriage done, so she could get herself sterilized & we could have sex & we wouldn't have to worry about birth control (she said it a lot sexier than that, but that's beside the point).

Now, I didn't think too much about it at the time, but thinking back on it now, my mind begs the question of why we needed to get married just so she could have her tubes tied? I'm sure I asked her, and I don't remember what she said, but I remember it was something about doctors being wary about giving that operation to women as young as she was without them already being married...which I guess sort of makes sense, but I don't really know. Nowadays, I probably would have had a million more skeptical questions about it, but I remember back then I just thought it was a crazy idea & shot it down. She prodded at me for a little while & said that we could have it annulled right after, but I still thought it was crazy...and honestly, I don't know how serious she was. She wasn't the impulsive, crazy type at all, and even I was a little taken aback by it, but I think she was really up for it, even if it was only for the reasons she said, wacky as they might have been....I don't think she was trying to trick me into marrying her or anything. Weird, I had almost forgotten all about that...

I also remember New Years Eve that year, as well. She was back at her family's house, so I had the town to myself (and so this really has nothing to do with anything, but I'm gonna talk about it anyway, 'cus I remember it), and for some reason Alan's girlfriend, Mindy, wasn't around either, so we were just hanging out smoking on new years, when my neighbor Bryan knocked on the door. Bryan was a nice guy, but he was one of those really annoying Deadhead hippies, who had all kinds of bullshit semi-knowledge in his acid-riddled head that he'd drone on for hours about nothing, so I generally avoided him, but this time he showed up & said he has a late Christmas present for us. It was a bag of mushrooms, and he basically just dropped them off & left before I had a chance to say anything.

Now, aside from things prescribed to me (and others), I've only ever done 3 real drugs in my life; I had smoked pot since I was 17, I did a lot of acid between 17 & 19, when I swore off it, and I'd eaten mushroom maybe a dozen times during that same period. I've never done cocaine or ecstasy or anything else too wacky, and honestly, I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would want to ever do any other drug if you have pot around; acid & shrooms were always way too much drug for me, and I never liked 'em. That night, tho, I was still young, it had been a couple of years already, and we were kinda bored...so we ate 'em. Then, about 30 minutes after they had kicked in, I immediately remembered why I had quit. It was like, as soon as I felt it coming on, I went "Oooh, yeah! I remember this.....this is....it's....this sucks!". But, it was too late; we just had to ride it out. I remember that being one of the longest nights of my life, and probably Alan's too. We stayed up 'til the sun came up, listening to Yes & trying to mellow out, and worrying if Maria was gonna call & I would have to deal with her on hallucinogens. And then, I wound up getting all emotional at some point & questioning all the good things that seemed to be happening to me & wondering what the meaning of it all was, and that got Alan all emotional about the girl he had broken up with recently, and then we both got into a fight over whether Van Hagar was better than Van Halen, and it was just probably a good thing nobody else was around. I haven't eaten mushrooms since...

But, all that aside, the holidays were very nice that year, and I honestly assumed that Maria & I might share many more together. Then, a few weeks later, the storm happened...literally. Don't really mean to leave this one a cliffhanger, but I gotta go...