Friday, January 20, 2006

Where do we go from here...

Well, actually, I know where we go from here, just a lot of the things that happened before we got there are kind of a blur.

I'd really like to say that, after Kara & I were finally over, that I did the same thing I did the last time it ended; I picked myself up, hopped right back on my horse, and actually rode off into the sunset & had some fun for a while. The last time, I was determined to put it behind me & get on with my life, with a vengeance. This time, the second (third? fourth? last, in any case) time around, I wasn't quite able to pull that off. I sorta crashed...hard.

All I really remember about the rest of that summer, with a few minor exceptions, was sitting out on the balcony with my glass of citrus vodka & ice, and staring off into distance while Lou Reed or Van Der Graff Generator or something equally depressing played on the stereo inside. I know that other things happened, but none of them really stick out...and none of them were able to shake me out of my mood.

I was mad...but I missed Kara. I was totally & completely heartbroken, but somehow or another, she made me feel like it was all my fault; not that I was a total innocent, but I'd still have to say I got the short end of the stick there. I became more & more of a loner starting during this time, and I picked up some habits that, now that I think about it, first manifested themselves at about this time. I started to stay in more, just because I was afraid I might run into Kara & Ted somewhere, and I just wouldn't be able to handle it then. I started to make excuses not to go out with my friends, both for that reason & because I was just too...down to feel like doing anything. And I started drinking...a lot.

Now, don't get me wrong; I didn't turn into Nicolas Cage & fall into the depths of alcoholism...partially because I knew my chances of being rescued by a beautiful hooker with a heart of gold would be slim, but for a few months there, I was drinking way too much, and too often. I didn't go out driving, and I didn't do it at work, but for me, it was a lot, and I knew it...but I just needed the numbness at the time; I didn't really know how else to deal with it. There's no tragic episode where I end up in rehab or anything, though; sorry, guys.

There was one girl who came into the picture about this time. Her fake name was Tia, and she was a friend of Alan's ex-girlfriend from a few years back, who we all ran into while out one night. She was a few years younger than me, and she was completely the opposite of Kara & most of the girls I'd dated; for one, she was rich, for another, she was a sorority girl, and all in all, she was just way classier than I tend to be drawn to. Regardless, she was drawn to me for some reason, and we ended up making out on the sofa one night after we had all be down to the local TGI Fridays & ended up back at my place.

I wasn't really all that...interested in Tia, but I figured Wonder Woman herself could have shown up at my door at that point & I'd still have been too busy pining over Kara to notice. So, I figured a little fling would be harmless & might actually help me out of my funk. Which it did, to a point. We went out a couple of times, and fooled around a little bit, but we had never really had the chance for it to go any further, just because the opportunity hadn't presented itself yet. Then, one night, she came over while Alan was at work & we had the place all to ourselves.

I don't remember anything much except for the fact that we ended up in my bedroom before too long, and that I had Otis Redding on the stereo, 'cus I had made it a point to put all my depressing albums away for the time being. I remember kissing her, and thinking that she wasn't quite like any girl I had been with before; she had this really fascinating way about her, that was a cross between really shy & really aggressive, and truthfully, it was pretty any other point in time, I would have been severely turned on.

That night, though, lying there with Tia, the ghost of Kara was just hovering over me too close...and I couldn't do it. I don't mean physically...I just mean I couldn't do it. I gave Tia some total bullshit about how 'it doesn't feel right yet' or something that no guy would ever say & mean, and despite her best efforts, which, in retrospect, were considerable, considering her age, I just couldn't do it....I couldn't even keep kissing her, I just felt like I was doing something wrong. I mean, my body was responding, but my head was all over the place...and Tia was a nice girl, and I just didn't want to look her in the eye & be thinking about someone else. I'm sure had I actually had feelings for the girl, or at least the hint of them, maybe things woulda been different, but I didn't, and they weren't.

That was about it for me & Tia. She was still around after that; we'd see her every once in a while, but she was always pretty chilly to me after that night, and I can't say as I blame her; I doubt she was used to being turned down, even then. In fact, I ran into her a few years ago with Angela, and I'm pretty sure she was still pissed at me. It wasn't her, was me.

But, some good did come out of the whole episode with Tia. In fact, now that i remember it, something bad came out of it, too; Tia ended up becoming friends with Alan's girlfriend Mindy, and while Tia was mad at me & she & Alan were having a fight, Tia set the two of them up with some guys she met that lived in our same building, just to piss me & Alan off. Now, Tia wasn't my girlfriend, so I didn't really give a damn, but poor Alan went apeshit & had to suffer through a world of drama for a, in retrospect, maybe that's another reason I just shoulda slept with her...

Anyway, back to the good...

The whole incident with Tia did serve to make me so disgusted with myself & my wallowing in my own pity to at least try and snap out of it for a while. I wasn't really able to do it, but I tried. I was starting to feel a little better for a while, but then, at the end of the summer, there were 2 things that happened, that took my mood from bad to worse...although it took me a while to recognize one of them.

The first thing that happened was, when fall started to roll around, Alan suddenly learned that his student loan, which he didn't;t think he was going to qualify for that year, had suddenly come through, and he now had the opportunity to go back to school. Only problem for us was, we had a lease on our apartment, and his school was three hours away. Nevertheless, I knew he needed to do it, so I told him I'd find another roommate somehow, and he started his preparations to go back to school. At the time, I didn't;t think much of it, but as the date came & he actually started moving out, I got really depressed.

I mean, my friends were all leaving for school other places at that time; Pete & Mark were already gone, Jerry was in a religious cult at the time (ya, that's right...and it's a long, long story..I got my own issues to deal with here), and I just felt like everybody, or at least everybody I gave a shit about, was skipping town & I was gonna be left there alone. Ya, ya shut up...I was in a bad place at the time.

So, the day came when Alan left, and I remember that night, I stayed alone in my apartment, with my bottle of Stoli & some really crappy weed, and I just felt...alone. I knew I wasn't; I had my family, and plenty of other friends around, even if I didn't care to talk to most of 'em anymore, but it was all just really getting me down. I spent a good week there, just drinking the nights away & wondering how long it would be before Kara & I spoke again. If I'd only had a crystal ball back then, I'da saved myself a lotta time.

But, after a week or two, I knew I had to snap out of it at least somewhat, 'cus I had to get up off my ass & find a roommate; something I hadn't even started doing. Luckily, my friend Jack had just been kicked out of the place he was living on his campus recently. Jack was a guy we had only known for a year or so; Alan met him at a restaurant where he worked, but he seemed like a nice guy & we had always gotten along pretty well. So, after about a 15-minute phone call, we had a deal worked out. Plus, I would finally get the big room now with the bathroom in it, that I had let Alan have before 'cus I didn't want to listen to Mindy bitch about it.

Knowing that the rent was going to be paid on time, at least, made me feel a little better....but right about the first weekend after Jack moved in, the second thing happened that I hinted at earlier...

Veronica called one day. She was crying because she had just ended the custody proceedings for her son after her divorce. She had been given full custody, but the father gave up all his rights to the child forever; essentially just washing his hands clean of him. The poor thing was heartbroken that the man she had married & fathered a child with could just abandon them both like that; she had never expected to get back together with him, but she had wanted her son to know his father. But, like my father before him, he apparently had more important things to do.

So, I listened to her, and I sympathized with her, and I told her she could come over if she wanted to talk, and I told her everything would be alright, and I told her if was ok when she asked if she could kiss me, and I slept with her. It was really sweet, and it felt really nice, and that night, for the first time, there was some genuine affection between us...but I knew it was trouble. Big, big trouble. Big, big, big, big...well, you get the idea. No, no you don't. It was big trouble.


Blogger Ray recalled...

"...well, you get the idea. No, no you don't." Ha - I think we do, otherwise you wouldn't have posted it :)

I have been there, to a far lesser extent. I think that until it happens that surprisingly large depression seems like a fake. It happened to me once, not to the extent it happened to you, but it happened.

You know you'll come out of it but at the time it sucks heartily.

Anyway, write faster, I now need a daily fix. C'mon man....just one more story, I'll sort you later :)

--ray (not logged in)

Friday, January 20, 2006 4:38:00 AM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...


Friday, January 20, 2006 8:58:00 AM  
Blogger D recalled...

I think we all love this because there is so much we can identify with. My bottle was Smirnoff, not Stoli - The guy wasn't just a guy, it was a whole life I left behind - and I think I was the fucked up Veronica-type, while Dan was the saviour and I broke his heart. We all want to know where everything all went wrong, and you should know you're helping me with mine.

I don't have the courage to be so honest, although I wish daily that I did, even on an anonymous level. On miniscule levels its tough enough.

I wait patiently for your spiral into the psychosis of Veronica, glad that I'm finally caught up on the past 6 months because I haven't gotten any real work done in the past 2 days reading it all. It's painful to watch, but at least I'm kinda sure you end up alright at the end.


Friday, January 20, 2006 9:29:00 AM  
Blogger Greyson Winters recalled...

You are a very interesting guy. Look on the bright side of things: if your father had not abandoned your family this blog would not even be possible. You have a high emotional IQ and are more sensitive and emotionally oriented because you were raised by women. It is the emotion (and the drama) of your blog that draws people to read it. Keep on blogging my friend. I have been reading for months but have never commented. I actually even have an entire post dedicated to you at my alternate blog site. You have been an inspiration for me and for us all.

Friday, January 20, 2006 11:31:00 AM  
Blogger Mint Tulip recalled...

I agree that most everyone can identify with at least parts of your writing. As for the bottle, the love of my life for awhile was Quervo...and while he's no longer the love of my life, we do still have the occassional fling.

Friday, January 20, 2006 11:32:00 AM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Yes, Discom...Veronica is teal. I picked it out at the start of the project...sorry :(

Dene'...don't be so sure about the end ;)

And Cuervo & Smirnoff, eh? ...between us we almost had a full bar

Thanks for commenting, Greyson!

Friday, January 20, 2006 1:50:00 PM  
Blogger chicaleecious recalled...

Totally unrelated, but reading your subject header made me think of "Smallville" (theme by Remy Zero (I think)) -- that darn song had been playing repeatedly in my head due to watching DVD after DVD during the Holidays :-P.

Sunday, January 22, 2006 2:09:00 AM  

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