Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Weight...

So, I saw Roxanne yesterday...

It was only for a moment, and all we basically said was hello. Turns out her brother, my friend Jerry, has moved in with a girl he's been seeing...who also happens to be Roxanne's friend....and next-door neighbor; geography has never been kind to me. Both Elaine & Kristen, upon finding out where Jerry lives now, both expressly forbid me to ever go over there (they worry about me, bless 'em), but I figure I'm a grown man & I can handle a little guilt staring me right in the face; I should be used to it by now.

So, of course, she was sitting on the porch next door with her live-in significant other when I pulled up, and the other immediately went right inside the house...but stayed within eyeshot of us 'til I was gone. She had on a...well, hell, it doesn't matter what she had on. I shouldn't even give a damn anymore. Isn't that what I'm trying to accomplish here in the first place? I've felt pretty damn good the last few days after getting all the Kara business out of my system, so to speak, and maybe that's why I didn't figure it would bother me to see her (which, honestly, it didn't...compared to usually). Only thing is, when I see Roxanne, I'm reminded of the real difference between her & the other Big One; I loved Kara, but she did me wrong & broke my heart...whereas Roxanne loved me, but I did her wrong, and broke her heart, after more than a decade of trying desperately to win it. I loved her, too...I just had all that baggage Kara had given me in the way...

That's a lame excuse...and it doesn't even begin to excuse half of it, anyway, but I saw it in her eyes yesterday just like I always do when I see her; she smiles and hugs me & tells me hello just like nothing's wrong, but there's something in her eyes, that probably only I can see, since I'm the only reason it's there, that reminds me of...well, I don't know what it reminds me of, but it makes me feel about 2 feet tall. I feel like I shot her dog or popped her balloon every time I see her, and I should feel like that, or worse.

And here I am kicking my own ass for it again, just like I've been doing for four years now. And you guys don't even really know what the hell I'm talking about yet, I just realized. Maybe you do; maybe you've gleaned it or maybe I've said it before..who knows. If not, I don't want to talk about it now, anyways. I'm tired of beating myself up over it...over her. Over the past, in general. I'm sick to death of it. Being raised Catholic sure teaches you to want to pay your penance, I'll tell you that much.

I'm tired of feeling guilty. Yes, I've let myself be guided by the wrong feelings & screwed up & hurt some other people along the way. Sorry. I didn't mean to, honest, and at the end of the day, I'm sure they know that, too. I'm not a bad guy, and I've been feeling like one for too long. I might do every single thing in my past differently if I had it to do over again, but I don't, and I've just got to make do with what I do have. Yes, I'll probably never be able to look Roxanne in the eye, and I'll always have to live with the fact that I threw away something that I had spent a lifetime trying to build, but not having someone as special as her in my life will be punishment enough in itself...I don't need to punish myself any further.

I don't need to go see her plays anymore & have to see her up there on stage, with the spotlights shining on her & everyone in the audience mesmerized, I don't need to ask Jerry how her relationship is going, or try to weasel my way in, or to even pretend to myself that I could ever do anything to make up for how I let her down in the past...

I need to snap the hell out of it, is what I need to do.

And I'm trying...I'm really tryin', here. This project has helped more than I ever thought it would in the beginning...in fact, I think that, in the beginning, I might have just been trying to use this as one more way to keep dwelling on the past. Well, the past can suck it. And I'm sorry if I seem edgy; I'm really not...I really feel pretty damn good, considering. And maybe Lanie & Kristen are right, to a point; maybe it wouldn't be great for my mental health to go over there & see that all the time, but at least I don't want to do what I would have done years ago, which would have been to just avoid going there at all costs & feeling like the 3rd-grader hiding from the school bully.

I've said all along that I've made my own bed, and now I have to lie in it, but I haven't taken any steps to make the damn thing comfortable...for myself, and much less for anybody else. And no, I'm not sure I'm ready to just jump right back into dating anyone yet; I probably wouldn't be the best boyfriend in the world...but then again, I was really never the best boyfriend in the world before...but I guess that's another thing I'm trying to work out...

Anyway, if you can't tell, I'm just over not being over it all. I miss the old me, even if he had his flaws. And I don't want to be sitting here, twelve years from now, still trying to figure it all out; I've wasted enough time already. Of course, all that having been said, I still don't really know what the hell to do about it...

So, I guess I'll just keep writing...

10 Comments:

Blogger Trix recalled...

The blogger 12-step program, so to speak. I think you're on to something here...

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 9:57:00 AM  
Blogger chickenbaby recalled...

I have very limited experience in relationships my last one being back in the 90s but I rekon your problems stem from having to much choice on the female front , I mean good on ye your obviously good at woeing but maybe it would have been better for you if hadnt been or if you were a bit uglier or something then perhaps you wouldn t pine after other people instead of the one your with (the grass is always greener and all that).You could always get one of your mates to smack you in the face with a spade till you look genuinly ugly so much so that you havent got a cat in hells chance with a bird, then when you do next woe you d be so gratefull for there attention your eye would never wander again,problem solved .
Any way enough of my naive and badly spelt nonsense.Keep up the good work cat boy and good luck in the future.
ps remmember in relationship terms your still only a baby most people dont become good at them until their in their 40s or 50s.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger pookalu recalled...

catharsis and closure...

doesn't change who you are, just how you want to deal with it all in the "now" as opposed to living in the "then."

so you shouldn't have to miss your old bad self, and your old bad stuff, it's all good. you're good.

and hey, think of it this way (something you don't necessarily have to deal with), i still see an ex practically every day of my life...does it make me deal with the relationship better? i dunno, prolly not, but sometimes it does remind me of what i really don't want.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 12:06:00 PM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

ghosts of our past will always haunt us, as long as we give them somewhere to dwell.

but i can't tell someone to move when i've been in Salt Lake eight years longer than i'd ever intended

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 5:41:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn! recalled...

i'm thinking you should try going into the whole dating thing a little more slowly....like don't worry about dating "someone" and being a good boyfriend...just go out.

date someone friday, and someone else saturday...and then go for coffee with someone else on tuesday for good measure...don't be a boyfriend yet...just keep it light for a while...learn how to have fun again.

but then again, i have a terrible record with guys...maybe you should just ignore everything i wrote...lol

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 1:48:00 AM  
Blogger Joe recalled...

Wow...I think Chickenbaby has hit on something. There was that Spike Lee movie about the dude that had his best friend bash his face in so he wouldn't get raped in prison. I never would've considered doing that to repel women! By the way, dating your cousin doesn't qualify as a "healthy" relationship.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 4:42:00 AM  
Blogger Brooklyn recalled...

I STILL THINK YOU NEED SOMEONE NEW TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF OF ALL OF THIS..... THE FUTURE COULD BE HOLDING SO MUCH FOR YOU!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 10:51:00 AM  
Blogger ~Moi~ recalled...

Sorry I'm not too sure of the whole story. I just got here.
I dont think you should beat yourself up over things. Its good to be remorseful and refective - but its what you do with that is what counts. Hopefully that alone will guide your future actions. That is how we become better ppl. Theres that whole thing about that the only person responsible for our own actions are ourselves blah blah blah, its true though.
Since Im not up to speed with the whole situation - I just see how bad and sorry you feel for whatever it is you did to do her wrong - did you ever tell her this yourself?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 11:20:00 AM  
Blogger Lynn-e recalled...

I think that you being over not being over it is a good sign. That means you are moving on already, even if it doesn't feel like it. As anything in life, it just takes time.

You'll get there, of that I have no doubt.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 11:24:00 AM  
Blogger Jessie recalled...

Write to make things right. Thats my motto. Can't figure out the other peeps of this world to you nail down what it is you want. I know that sounds trite.

Thursday, January 19, 2006 8:34:00 PM  

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