Stealin' when I shoulda been buyin'...
Well, since I've had a few people send me requests to add them to my list, I decided to create a MySpace page for myself, so I'd have a list to add them to. However, in the convoluted process of setting the damn thing up, I managed to lose all of the invites people had sent me 'cus I used a different mail address, so if you were one of those people, send 'em to me again.
It's also early Monday morning now, and the weekend went by without any further word from Veronica, and I expect to be able to breathe easy anytime now. The way I figure it, she had the entire rest of the day Friday to e-mail me again, and the whole weekend to call me if she was going to. Also, even more so than me, Veronica is not what you would call a patient person, so I can't see her just sitting there biding her time; if she was waiting to pounce, she probably would have done it by now. Of course, now that I say this, another e-mail is probably gonna show up in my inbox in the morning, but for now, I've all but convinced myself that it was just a fluke. Flukes happen...
And yes, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a grown man & shouldn't want to run from her like she's the big bad wolf, and a lot of you hit the nail right on the head with some of your comments, but that's just the reaction that stirs up in my gut when she rears her head somewhere; I just immediately see everything rushing past my eyes again, like when they were erasing Zarkov's brain in Flash Gordon. All the bullshit & craziness that I went through just boils right back up to the surface & my spider-sense screams out "here it comes again...better fasten yer' seatbelt!". It's like I'm the little spaceship from The Black Hole, just drifting around out there in my own universe, and she's the big, dark, swirling vortex on the edge of my space, just threatening to suck me back in at any time. And yes, my gravity is strong enough after all these years that I would never get pulled in again, but all that pressure can tear the hull of your ship to shreds, even if you're steering away from it.
Ok, enough metaphors from my DVD collection...
I just mean that, while it sounds like the problem has a simple, black & white solution (and really, it does, when you get right down to it), just the thought of having to even do so much as implement that solution is more than I want to have to deal with.
Hopefully, nothing has changed & I still won't have to. The last time I saw her, she had actually met someone else & had been seeing him for over a year...the first person aside from me that she had dated in over a decade. If they had already been together that long, then I figured he had already seen the craziness & decided to accept it. Hopefully, they're still together, because what really makes me nervous is the thought of them breaking up, which is the first thing that went through my mind when I saw I had a mail from her the other day. After all, I wasn't just her ex-boyfriend, I was pretty much the only real friend she had, and if she found herself in a really bad place, she wouldn't really have anyone else to turn to. And, since I still live with a huge amount of guilt from the situation, it would make me feel that much guiltier to have to turn my back on her...but I would have to. So, I just don't want to have to deal with it. have I said that enough times yet?
Why do I feel so guilty? Well, since it's relevant now & we're about 10 years away from getting to it in the story, I'll just sum it up by saying that I feel like I cheated her out of the chance to have the kind of life she wanted. The girl was completely devoted to me & only me for years upon years, and ever so often, I would get lonely or down enough to get back together with her for a while, only to shoot down all her hopes & dreams as soon as I was back on my feet. And when I left, she would do nothing but wait for me to come back again. I never led her on; I always told her that I didn't want to settle down & have a family right away the same way she did, but she hung in there anyway, thinking that the next time, I would change my mind.
Veronica had a son, and they lived in a situation very much like the one I grew up in; his father was gone & they lived with Veronica's parents, who took care of him while she was out or at work. I saw a lot of myself in that kid, and I grew pretty close to him; closer than I ever should have. After a while, I started to....I don't know how to explain this....I wanted that kid to have things that I didn't have...he deserved a father, and a real family, and part of me wanted to give him that so much...and I tried to, but I could never make it work with Veronica. Even the last time, when I really, honestly, tried for the first time to make it work, I couldn't.
So, in the end, instead of becoming the dad that I always felt like I should be to him, instead I became the same guy that I hated when I was a little kid; the guy that my mom stayed out all night with, instead of being at home with me. The guy that just wanted the easy stuff that came with it & left when the going got rough. The guy that was in the way of us being a family, instead of helping to make us one. I became the thing I had hated the most.
And in the end, after all the craziness I've described, and all the years of drama & pain, I just couldn't do it anymore. I did what I should have done years before, and finally ended it all...but I got to take all the guilt home with me. And yes, I know it takes two to tango, and yes, she should have told me to shove off just as many years ago as I should have told her, but I still feel like, had I just been stronger, and broke it off sooner, and not gone back all those times, that she might have gone on & found someone and made a life for her & her son. And, I'm pretty sure I'd be in a lot better shape now, too.
But, this is my bed...and I've gotta lie in it.
It's also early Monday morning now, and the weekend went by without any further word from Veronica, and I expect to be able to breathe easy anytime now. The way I figure it, she had the entire rest of the day Friday to e-mail me again, and the whole weekend to call me if she was going to. Also, even more so than me, Veronica is not what you would call a patient person, so I can't see her just sitting there biding her time; if she was waiting to pounce, she probably would have done it by now. Of course, now that I say this, another e-mail is probably gonna show up in my inbox in the morning, but for now, I've all but convinced myself that it was just a fluke. Flukes happen...
And yes, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a grown man & shouldn't want to run from her like she's the big bad wolf, and a lot of you hit the nail right on the head with some of your comments, but that's just the reaction that stirs up in my gut when she rears her head somewhere; I just immediately see everything rushing past my eyes again, like when they were erasing Zarkov's brain in Flash Gordon. All the bullshit & craziness that I went through just boils right back up to the surface & my spider-sense screams out "here it comes again...better fasten yer' seatbelt!". It's like I'm the little spaceship from The Black Hole, just drifting around out there in my own universe, and she's the big, dark, swirling vortex on the edge of my space, just threatening to suck me back in at any time. And yes, my gravity is strong enough after all these years that I would never get pulled in again, but all that pressure can tear the hull of your ship to shreds, even if you're steering away from it.
Ok, enough metaphors from my DVD collection...
I just mean that, while it sounds like the problem has a simple, black & white solution (and really, it does, when you get right down to it), just the thought of having to even do so much as implement that solution is more than I want to have to deal with.
Hopefully, nothing has changed & I still won't have to. The last time I saw her, she had actually met someone else & had been seeing him for over a year...the first person aside from me that she had dated in over a decade. If they had already been together that long, then I figured he had already seen the craziness & decided to accept it. Hopefully, they're still together, because what really makes me nervous is the thought of them breaking up, which is the first thing that went through my mind when I saw I had a mail from her the other day. After all, I wasn't just her ex-boyfriend, I was pretty much the only real friend she had, and if she found herself in a really bad place, she wouldn't really have anyone else to turn to. And, since I still live with a huge amount of guilt from the situation, it would make me feel that much guiltier to have to turn my back on her...but I would have to. So, I just don't want to have to deal with it. have I said that enough times yet?
Why do I feel so guilty? Well, since it's relevant now & we're about 10 years away from getting to it in the story, I'll just sum it up by saying that I feel like I cheated her out of the chance to have the kind of life she wanted. The girl was completely devoted to me & only me for years upon years, and ever so often, I would get lonely or down enough to get back together with her for a while, only to shoot down all her hopes & dreams as soon as I was back on my feet. And when I left, she would do nothing but wait for me to come back again. I never led her on; I always told her that I didn't want to settle down & have a family right away the same way she did, but she hung in there anyway, thinking that the next time, I would change my mind.
Veronica had a son, and they lived in a situation very much like the one I grew up in; his father was gone & they lived with Veronica's parents, who took care of him while she was out or at work. I saw a lot of myself in that kid, and I grew pretty close to him; closer than I ever should have. After a while, I started to....I don't know how to explain this....I wanted that kid to have things that I didn't have...he deserved a father, and a real family, and part of me wanted to give him that so much...and I tried to, but I could never make it work with Veronica. Even the last time, when I really, honestly, tried for the first time to make it work, I couldn't.
So, in the end, instead of becoming the dad that I always felt like I should be to him, instead I became the same guy that I hated when I was a little kid; the guy that my mom stayed out all night with, instead of being at home with me. The guy that just wanted the easy stuff that came with it & left when the going got rough. The guy that was in the way of us being a family, instead of helping to make us one. I became the thing I had hated the most.
And in the end, after all the craziness I've described, and all the years of drama & pain, I just couldn't do it anymore. I did what I should have done years before, and finally ended it all...but I got to take all the guilt home with me. And yes, I know it takes two to tango, and yes, she should have told me to shove off just as many years ago as I should have told her, but I still feel like, had I just been stronger, and broke it off sooner, and not gone back all those times, that she might have gone on & found someone and made a life for her & her son. And, I'm pretty sure I'd be in a lot better shape now, too.
But, this is my bed...and I've gotta lie in it.
10 Comments:
Wow. Your self-reflection always seems to amaze me. Your ability to step outside of your skin and look back with such honesty is admirable. I wish you well on your journey to rediscovery!
Yay. I'm the first!
by grabthar's hammer you will get through this! and i'm glad that you finally cut the cords, especially after you really tried the last time. kudos to you. everyone DOES deserve a fair chance. especially the apparent mentally unstable ones.
anyway, nice that you have a myspace profile, love it! i'd love to link you, but mine has my actual picture on it! and right, i don't really use my myspace site....
Now that is some serious guilt you have. Wow. So basically, you feel like you have ruined not only her life, but the entire existance of an innocent child as well. No wonder you're so full of self-loathing.
Is there any way you could look at it for the positive that WERE there? Or were there any? It's not your fault that it didn't work... it just didn't. You're smart enough now to have walked away and it SOUNDS like you would be smart enough to not permit another kick at the cat, should she make that attempt.
I'm not sure blaming yourself for eternity about her life's outcome is going to make it any easier for you to heal.
Although I am interested to see what happens next. You've been flirting around the chronology for a while now. Are you done with the story-telling?
Feels like after Kara, you did some things that aren't so proud of (read: Roxanne & Veronica), but I hope you continue in this same narrative. We're all here for you.
:)
Please try and forgive yourself for cutting Veronica off. And please promise me that if she calls you, you won't speak to her and if she emails you won't write back--or only to say that it is the last time she will hear from you.
I had a friend who reminds me of Veronica. She terrorized all those who got close to her. The only solution for her ex-bf was to completely cut her off--to stop caring. She found someone else to push the crazy on after he stopped listening to her.
It's not your fault that Veronica is crazy. You didn't cause that.
I respect you for taking responsibility, especially where her son was concerned. You are a good man.
There are two books, actually. One is "The Happiest Baby on the Block" which comes as a DVD as well and may be more helpful for those first few months when a new mother feels like a bomb has hit. The other book is The Baby Whisperer which is good for babies a little older, like 3 months, when mom is trying to put them on a schedule and routine (which will make the difference between sanity and destruction, trust me.)
By the way, your blog is compelling. Your recollections are poignant and painfully astute.
gotta say guilt is the most awesome emotion ever...totally terrible...maybe good in this case to let it go?
and dude, i would add you to myspace...but then i lose all my bloggy anonymity...congrats on the myspace profile tho, it looks great...
Yes, it is your bed but you don't have to lie in it. And by cutting Veronica off, you've made sure to go on with your life. Good for you. She'll thank you for it someday.
Hey,I just caught up on what I missed, wow! Two encounters with the past. Interesting and wierd all at the same time. About vern,
I am sure there are things that are your fault, but its mostly hers. Her first priority should be her kid. I mean, i am sure she meant to do it by trying to make u wanna settle down with them but like u said, u never led her on. People like her, just dont fucking get it. I mean, you can tell them till your blue in the face and they still dont get it. They REALLY think your gonna change your mind. SHe is missing a few days out of her week by the things you say she did, and thats scary. You cant blame yourself for what the kids real dad didnt even do. Thats not your fault. Feel guilty if that is your biological son and u did it. We can always relate to kids espcially when they go thru hard times, but he will know that you tried and know that its not your fault when he grows up and understands what life is all about and that his mom is a looney.
about roxy, dude, maybe just maybe its for a reason!
Hey there.
I discovered this project back about a week before Christmas or so, and only just now have I managed to catch up to the pseudo-present. And I've got a few comments. . . You're unbelieveably hard on yourself. For example, I can cite numerous times that you've said that you've done terrible things and they get worse - while in reality, you really haven't done anything THAT terrible. You've had experiences that most people could only dream of, and even though they're not ideal (to you), I could name a few people I know that would go through all the drama to experience what you have.
I know there's more to come, so I'll refrain from giving more advice until I hear more. But one thing I can say is that I can completely relate to a person messing up your whole dating perspective.
Will be reading.
You might have to lie in the bed you made, but every day you get a new chance to get up and make it again. You'll be able to make right for the things you regret, even if it's not directly... sort of karmic, ya know? So it's okay not to be too hard on yourself.
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