Here & now...

Well, I feel much better today.

Never heard back from Veronica, and at this point, I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth; I'm just gonna smile & say thank you. However, I really don't feel like jumping back into the story proper & having to write about her right now, since I just spent the last few days with the specter of it looming.

So, since I need something else to write about, and since a couple of people have asked, I thought I'd update you all a lil' on the family situation. Mom is still staying over at the spare room in my brother's place, and she's doing ok, I guess. I know she's cramped & doesn't have her own space, and she's had some trouble sleeping at night because of her Restless Leg Syndrome, but she's a tough one, and she's hangin' in there. Grandpa hasn't been doing so well the last few days, but he's already held on longer than anyone should at his age, so I guess that goes to show that our family is stubborn about everything, even death. What I'm really dreading is, after he does finally pass away, having to deal with the rest of the family at his funeral, where I'm sure my grandmother won't be able to keep her big mouth shut & will start pointing the blame finger at someone. Oh well, another bridge to burn when I cross it...

As far as my life goes, a few good things have actually happened lately; it looks like the money we're trying to raise for the next film we're trying to make might actually have come through, which should have me dancing on the tables, but somehow, even that news is failing to trip the excitement switch nowadays. We're going down to scout locations in Ga. next week, and instead of being excited about the trip, I'm just dreading having to sleep in a hotel bed for almost a week & worried I'm gonna be bored out of my mind half the time.

If this movie happens, it will be my directorial debut (outside of TV, at least), and it's only something I've been dreaming about (if not necessarily working hard enough for) since I was 12 years old, so you'd think that I'd be just a little bit happy about it...and I am, don't get me wrong..but somehow, it seems like there's only so excited I can get nowadays.

Hell, what was the last thing I was really excited about? The last thing I actually looked forward to? I'm not saying my life has all been bleak & grey lately, because it hasn't, and it's not like I'm constantly in a bad mood or anything; far from it. Lately, tho, nothing seems to be able to light a fire under me. My whole attitude since this whole movie project has started to come together has been just like "Eh...that's nice". I mean, I know I can do it, and if it actually happens, I'm confident (probably too much so, as usual) that I'll pull it off well & it will probably be a big break for me...but will I be able to appreciate it & actually enjoy it in my state of mind? I'd really hate to look back on all this in 20 years & realize that I wasn't able to appreciate one of the most important things that happened in my life 'cus I had my head so stuck in my screwed-up past that I couldn't enjoy it.

I've got to get my enthusiasm back...I've got to seize the goddamn day, or something. Somehow. I don't know what the answer is...I guess I'm just so numb from all the draining emotions of the last few years that I just don't have the energy to conjure it up right now...maybe I need a little help. Of course, I dunno what that would be; I don't think another relationship is the answer...relationships have never exactly helped me concentrate on myself & my career. then again, maybe if I actually had a healthy one...

I'm sure all this stuff with the family is taking it's toll, but like I said once before, I almost feel numb to it, as well. I mean, if something like this had happened in my family 10 years ago, it would have torn my whole world apart...as it is now, I just kind of shake my head at it all, and just try to make sure my mom is ok. My friends have become more like my family over the years than my own family is, though, and I'm thankful for them, if nothing else.

In fact, it's probably only because of my friends that I'm as stable as I am; I have the best friends in the world, and I really don't know what I would do without 'em. I complain about em, I call 'em idiots, but that's only because I love 'em. Don't you wish I loved you, too? Seriously, now that I think about it, I think the last time I was really excited about something was the last big vacation we all took together...that was fun. We should do that again. Of course, with Alan & Bess having a baby, me with the gig happening, and everyone else equally scattered or occupied, I doubt we'll be able to take another one anytime soon. So, I guess I'll have to find something else to look forward to.

There is the new Superman movie coming out...that's something, at least...

In any case, when I say I don't know what I'd do without my friends, that means you guys, too; this thing has become about the best outlet for venting that I could imagine (aside from having my own talk show, which I think I'd be good at, as long as nobody else wanted to talk). I consider a lot of you guys my friends now, and sometimes your comments & insight are what gets me through the day, so thanks. In fact, I usually feel bad that I don't have time or forget to respond to some of the comments that you leave, so maybe I should take some time & set a post aside to just do that every once in a while. So, if you've got any questions you'd like to ask me or anything you wanna address, just tell me, and I'll do a reader's mailbag post pretty soon, so's I won't feel so neglectful...

Oh, and I also added a guestmap, at Liz's suggestion, so sign it & tell me where you live, so I'll know who's watching me...

Back to the story soon, I promise. I just needed to clear my head of Veronica a bit...once again.