Monday, March 13, 2006

Same Ol' Situation...

Alright, I guess I should elaborate.

She didn't exactly say 'no'...it was more complicated than that (shocking,I know). I mean, it wasn't really a yes or no question. She didn't say that she didn't love me, or that she didn't want to be with me...quite the opposite. In fact, she admitted more feelings for me & talked about the what-if of us getting back together with a much more open mind than she has in entire the four years since we broke up. Hell, the fact that she just didn't dismiss it all outright speaks volumes itself...

Basically, she said that yes, she does still hold those feelings for me, and she should have known how her letter would make me feel, but for some reason, she just wanted to tell me. She said that, no, she's not very happy with her life right now, and she feels like she's at a crossroads & she doesn't know what to do about it, but she didn't mean to hurt my feelings or to push us back onto the rollercoaster again, she's just going through a rough time. But, she also said, as rough as this time may be, she's still in a committed relationship at the moment, and she knows she should have thought better about expressing all this to me while nothing can be done about it.

She said that, yes, she did wonder about what kind of connection we'd still have after all that's happened to us & all we've grown, but that she couldn't be certain that, even if her life blew up in her face right now, if we would be able to pick up the pieces & try again...she would still be very cautious for a long time.

And she said she wants me to be happy, and she'll always love me, and she's sorry for stirring up the hornets nest between us again, and she'll try her best not to do it again.

Before I got her response, Jerry said that he'd bet everything he owns that nothing at all would really change as a result of any of this; he said she would say just the right thing to keep me at arms length, and yet still reach out to me enough to keep me hanging as long as she wanted me to. Now, Jerry is an extremely cynical guy, and I scoffed at him when he said this, if only for the reason that he made it sound like some Machivellian plan by her...but, in the end, whether it was intentional or not, that's basically what she did.

Then, the next day, I got another letter from her...saying that she was sorry again, and felt terrible about everything, and that she was trying to figure things out in her head, and that she doesn't want me to feel like I'm still having to pay for the sins of my past, and that she knows she was wrong for poking my heart with a stick to see if it was still beating (my words, not hers) and that she was confused about her life & her future, and for me to pray for her, in whatever way I pray.

So...she didn't exactly say 'no'...and, in many ways, she's still reaching out to me more than she ever has since this all happened....but she certainly didn't say 'yes', either. And, just like Jerry said, we're pretty much right back where we were before; no closure, no resolved feelings, no peace of mind, and no each other.

And again...I just don't know what to do. Everybody in the world that I know is just sick to death of it all (and I can't really say that I blame 'em), and they all tell me, more than ever, to just let it go. Most of them tell me very loudly. And, I know they're right...mostly.

And then, there's this part of me...which may be just completely deluded, insane, and psychotic...that tells me to do just the opposite. It's impossible for me to tell at this point whether I'm just reading something into it all or not, but I swear to god, somewhere in between the lines of the correspondence we've been having, I keep hearing her say "Rescue me, please! You say you love me, well here's your chance to prove it!". I don't know it it's really there or if I just want it to be there...but I swear that's the feeling I get.

But, at this point, I can't trust my instincts when it comes to her..I've pored over every word we've written to each other in the last 2 years so much than I feel like a Madonna trying to find hidden meaning in the Kaballah, and I'm starting to give about as much creedence to the things I find.

And everyone is right...I know they are. Elaine & I got into a huge fight last night, basically because she's sick & tired of seeing me feeling down about this, and using it as an excuse for staying stuck in the past, and not moving that part of my life forward. And she's right; I've missed out on a lot of things by choosing to keep myself chained up, paying penance for my past, and I've probably just gotten used to it now...I know I have. I used to say that I made my bed & now I have to lie in it, but I never expected it to get this comfortable...

Just like she said when she screamed at me on the way out last night; somewhere, somehow, something has got to give....

26 Comments:

Blogger Mint Tulip recalled...

Even if she is in a 'commited relationship', it's end-able. If things are not good, or if she doesn't want to be in it, then she doesn't have to be. It might not be easy, but what is? Whether intentional or not she's still messing with you. Just ask for a straight decision one way or the other...if it's yes, then she should make an effort towards it, if it's no then there's nothing more to do about it and no reason to share feelings that she's never going to act on anyway. If you even really want to know at this point that is.

Monday, March 13, 2006 6:17:00 PM  
Blogger True recalled...

The exbf in shining armor.

"some Machivellian plan" - I have always wanted to use that but can't fit it into real life.

Closure is not as easy as it seems. We feel your pain.

Monday, March 13, 2006 6:35:00 PM  
Blogger restNplay recalled...

X -- I have been reading your blog for some time now... (You write very well.. enough to keep us all coming back .. that's for sure.) :o)

This applies to both you and Roxanne.. 'You can't reach new horizons unless you're prepared to let go of the shore.' She clearly isn't ready to let go of her shore...

And even if she did break up with her partner... would you want her in that state? You already know how unbalanced it feels after a relationship ends... it takes some considerable time to find your sense of equilibrium.

There is a period of grieving.. and coming to terms with what has happened. It cannot be done by taking a new partner... (I refer to relationships betweeen mature adults now... not those of teenagers!)

Even though there is no denying the love... sometimes the hurt between two people is just too much to overcome... in this lifetime at least.

Monday, March 13, 2006 6:43:00 PM  
Blogger Empress recalled...

X, speaking from experience as I've been right where you are, the key phrase she sent to you was "I'm still in a committed relationship". It doesn't matter if she says she's unhappy and if she says things aren't good. In her mind, she is IN a committed relationship. Breaking that down, SHE IS COMMITTED TO HER GF!

Dear one, I know it's hard to give up on someone that has kept your heart in chains. Like you said, it gets comfortable after awhile, and actually, there's no wondering what will happen. I know that doesn't make sense, but bare with me. You don't have to wonder what will happen because you know it's always going to be a "wait and see" situation. You busy yourself with work, with posting to your blog, with watching whatever tv programs you like. You read, eat, sleep, shop and clean, to keep yourself busy, until the time she comes to you. Before you know it, years have gone by, and you're still waiting. You need to ask yourself if all those wasted years are worth a "what if" relationship.

Keep in mind, that someone else who is ready to commit to you, and wants what you want out of life, could have passed you by while you are waiting for her.

Life is too short to live it for "what if's". It's going to take strength, but you can break away from her. If you need help, ask your friends, or email me. I don't want to see you waste your life, nor do your friends or any of us that read your blog regularly. We care about you, X. Please care about yourself as well.

Empress
karenmarieann at cox dot net.

Monday, March 13, 2006 6:44:00 PM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

Elaine and Jerry are right.

Monday, March 13, 2006 6:55:00 PM  
Blogger 知更鳥 recalled...

Isn't it funny how we all know exactly what to do, yet want to do the exact opposite anyways?

Ex, I've been reading your posts and have read all the old ones from before. I don't see what horrible horrible things you have done to "keep [yourself] chained up, paying penance for [your] past" for so long. You were just a boy looking for love.

You have made mistakes, probably, but who hasn't? It's time to let go. I'm sure you know that damn well, too. So it's all up to you now. Don't keep getting yourself tangled up like this. Peace.

Monday, March 13, 2006 8:14:00 PM  
Blogger Windrider recalled...

Its both amazing, and profoundly sad when you finally see the light. It really knocks the wind out of you. All those years of what-if's, and "shoulda-coulda's" get shattered like a fine china plate on hot asphalt.

I think this is a big case of wanting to have one's cake and try to eat it too on her part. And, to me it's damn cheeky to reach out to you with a psychic fishing rod from her "commited" relationship to see if you'll bite. I'm glad you didn't feed into it X.

That shows a ton of growth and maturity on your part. Trust me, There is happiness out there with your name on it. You just have to find it. Playing into the security blanket role she was looking for would have only been trouble.

Monday, March 13, 2006 9:16:00 PM  
Blogger Lynn-e recalled...

As much as I want to say go for the girl and go sweep her off her feet...I've read your blog for too long and seen how often your friends have been right on the money. We, the blog readers, are only seeing a slice of your life. Your friends have been with you thru a lot and care about you enough to be honest with you.

There are too many times that I wish I had listened to my friends...

Good luck to you.

Monday, March 13, 2006 9:16:00 PM  
Blogger The Mrs. recalled...

Ex --
Once upon a time there was a girl who fell in love with a boy, but for many reasons, similar to yours with Roxanne, it didn't work. This girl still loved the boy very much, and knew that in his own way, the boy still loved her too. They moved on with their own lives. They grew up and grew apart. But they both still had those feelings tucked away in a secret corner of each of their respective hearts. Several years later, the girl became courageous enough to pull out her stick and prod the boys heart to see if it was still beating. It was, but the boy was committed to another. It broke the girl's heart into a million pieces and she all but lost hope and gave up. She met another boy and gave to the second boy all of her heart, except that small corner where the first boy would always live. She found out the first boy was getting married. She cried. And the second boy proposed, and she married him and hoped she would be happy. And she was. Until the first boy called her one day out of the blue, and poked at her heart with a stick, to see if it was still beating. It was, but she was torn between the life she had built and the love that she thought she had lost forever.
That was three years ago.
The girl remains married and loves the second boy very much. But she loves the first boy too, and she always will.
Every so often someone pulls out their stick with a phone call or a letter, just to see if the other heart still beats...and of course the reply is that the pulse is still there. Have you ever heard that old song "Sometimes love just ain't enough"?

"Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all"

Sometimes love just ain't enough.

Monday, March 13, 2006 11:28:00 PM  
Blogger The Mrs. recalled...

p.s.

The girl is very happy in her marriage and has come to the realization that sometimes love just ain't enough. Sometimes we meet our soul mates when we are young and stupid, and things don't go like we think they should have gone. But we get through it and we build new lives, and those new lives can be beautiful and wonderful. Your first love can never be replaced, your soul mate will always be your soul mate. But trying to live in the past rarely gets you anything but grief. The fantasy is thinking that you can change your life in an instant and go back to where you were and that everything would just be perfect if you had that person back. But the truth is, that even if you changed your whole life to try to get that person back, that when you have them back I think you would slowly realize that you were more in love with the memory than the person themself. There are no guarantees, and who wants to be with someone who would break a commitment to someone else on the off chance that they might be able to have a relationship with you? If they want that, I would dare to say they should not be suprised if the person later leaves them for someone else.
Best wishes Ex, I've been reading for months. I wish there was an easy answer. But I stand by my comment that sometimes love just ain't enough.

Monday, March 13, 2006 11:37:00 PM  
Blogger Shawna recalled...

Sounds to me like Roxanne sure likes having a backup plan and someone adoring her, just in case she runs out of other options...

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 4:56:00 AM  
Blogger Maria hønen recalled...

Elaine and Jerry are very right. You just have to give up. Ask her to stop letting you hope.
Why are you so committed to not being happy?
Try to keep in mind that you have grown and so has she - you might be a terrible match now, but you keep hanging on to the rosy dream that "just maybe"... STOP IT!
It seemes that the Kara story is repeating, just change the name and you are right back where you were.
You deserve happiness and it can be very NOT complecated. You should try it out.

All that said - I really enjoy your blog and hope you keep sharing with us all.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 6:37:00 AM  
Blogger Atomicslacker recalled...

I love a good Hollywood ending. I know it's a long shot and you should probably stay away, but sometimes the good guy actually does manage to sweep the damsel in distress off her feet and they end up living happily ever after.

Go for it!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 8:09:00 AM  
Blogger Jamy recalled...

Until you forgive yourself, you won't be able to move on. So work on that first. Then forgive her. Then, maybe, you can breathe.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 9:20:00 AM  
Blogger BiblioTECHa recalled...

ExBf,

I just discovered your blog today and read the whole thing in one sitting. Thanks for sharing all this with us. It takes a helluva lot of courage to write this poignantly and frankly about yourself. I hope you are finding what you are looking for.

I am going to throw in my two cents about Roxanne. You seem interested in getting more happiness in your life and relationships; isn't that what this blog is about? This is work for you to do, not her. Do you think if she did dump her GF, come running back to you, you would have the happiness and peace you are looking for? Could she give you that happiness? Probably not, right? You wouldn't expect her to do that. Conversely, is it your job to rescue her from the choices she has willingly made, and continues to make?

No way.

You have to respect her boundaries and your own. Of course it is hard to let go of a relationship, particularly one that has been with you for seventeen years in one form or another, but closure isn't someone gives you. It is something you choose for yourself. And just because a good person loves us, that doesn't translate into a good relationship. When people say "it takes more than love," that is what they mean.

On another note, there seem to be a lot of fulfilling, close relationships with women in your life. What do those relationships, with Lanie, Kristin, and other people say about who you are and what you want out of an intimate relationship?

Take care,
S

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 9:47:00 AM  
Blogger John recalled...

You did the right thing. You said, If you want to work on us, we can do that; otherwise, you need to let me be.

She said she's not willing to work on the Us. Your response is, Then I'm moving on. Politely, sure. But you need to hold her to her decision.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger Mister Underhill recalled...

It's a hard situation. I am in sort of a similar situation in that it always seems the girl I dated is unhappy with her situation...it is just hard to imagine she is that happy with that guy if she seems so miserable.

Who knows, though.

I have just realized that regardless nothing will ever come of it. It's better not to dwell on it at all. Maybe some day you (or me) will get surprised and proven wrong, but when someone treats you like that then you can't spend your life waiting on them....

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 2:16:00 PM  
Blogger HotDudi recalled...

I'm definitely with John on this...you have to b a man (or should I b politically correct & say strong!?!) about this.

Stick to your decision...you gave her a chance to be with you, the man she says she loves, yet she wasn't willing to put everything on the line for you!

She's obviously not willing to put in the effort that you would into this.

Isn't it about time you let yourself move on?

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 2:18:00 PM  
Blogger Kellie recalled...

No advice.
Just a hope for clarity and peace.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 8:59:00 PM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

i hope you can find it in your heart to move on. you gave an ultimatum of sorts and she didn't follow the rules. and you got from it a "no". so stick with that. she picked her path and now you need to pick yours. she can't stand in the middle of the road going "ummmmm" because at some point a car is gonna come along and make a bigger mess of the situation. i'm sure that didn't make a lot of sense, but like i said - i hope you find it in your heart to move on and find happiness somewhere else.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 10:13:00 PM  
Blogger Jaded&Opinionated recalled...

Here's my $.02:

Sounds to me like she's unhappy in her life and in her relationship, so she figured she'd see where things stand with you, just in case. It's like an escape clause for her. If things don't work out for her and her partner, she knows she doesn't have to be alone. Kinda lame, actually. There's a reason your friends are fed up. I think they might be able to see a little more clearly than you can because they're not caught up in it in the same way.

At some point, you need to stop looking back. You can never face the future while you're looking over your shoulder. Think of all the proverbial dog crap you'd step in.

Telling her that you love her and that you care what happens to her doesn't also have to mean that you'll wait around until such time that she decides she wants you. She may never decide that. Wish her the best and walk away. That doesn't in any way diminish what you had, or what you may still feel for her. It just means that you aren't going to put your life on hold. Never know...as soon as you quit looking back, you might just find something way better right in front of you.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 11:03:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Tab,
Thanks for sharing your story with me - or the girl's story, anyway. I've read your blog, and it does sound like you are happy with your husband, and I can only imagine how hard it would be to have these issues along with the added complication of a marriage on top of it....but I would hope that if I ever got to the point where I felt I could actually marry someone (someone who wasn't Roxanne, anyway), it would take so much for me to actually make that leap already that I would have put all this behind me long before that. Then again...I guess I've had plenty of time & chances to do that already.

In any case, I'm sure that, just like in your case, there's as much light at the end of the tunnel as I'm willing to see. I just gotta actually start moving towards it...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 3:05:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

ex, drink a 10-12 beers, drunk dial, and let us know what happens tomorrow ;)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 9:59:00 AM  
Blogger wooch recalled...

Dude I had to set up a blogger just to post. But I had to. I'm a great fan of your blog! So it's payback time for all that great stuff of yours I'd had the privilege to read.

So... here's my 2 cents worth:

I think what you're after is not so much the girl, as the feeling you get from pining after someone you can't get.

(If that sounds unkind, it isn't meant to be.)

Kara. Roxanne. Maybe even Veronica. Maybe you hung on cuz you thought, subconsciously, maybe, that love is really all about struggle and endeavour and facing really impossible obstacles.

So maybe that's why you shut down on Roxanne. If you settled down with her - well, that's it. No more romance, no more drama, chase, pursuit, just settle down, that's it. Story endeth here, folks. And, well, you weren't quite ready for that. Yet. You know what I mean?

Well. What do you think?

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 10:51:00 AM  
Blogger The Mrs. recalled...

Ex----

Just keep hoping sweetheart - not every light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
Much love, Tab

Thursday, March 16, 2006 4:44:00 PM  
Blogger Priscilla recalled...

I agree with bibliotecha -- "closure isn't something someone gives you. It is something you choose for yourself"

You know when I read your blog, I get so frustrated by how "stubborn" you are about not listening to your friends who are obviously right. You know they are right, you say you know they are right, but you don't listen to them anyway. And I just keep thinking to myself "Boy, it must be frustrating to be his friend and watch him go through this while everyone is telling him how to get out?" But you know what, my friends told me the exact same sort of things. And I was incredibly reluctant to listen to them. And I always think that they just don't understand. But from reading your blog, I sort of see it from their perspective, and see that perhaps I was as crazy as you sound, so at least thanks for that :)

The thing is they might not understand why you don't break the cycle, but they see the detrimental effect the cycle has had on you. It has worn you down. It has made you unhappy. And you don't deserve it, and it really isn't worth it. And you have to choose to get out of it, since no amount of convincing from your friends is going to do it -- and it sounds like they have done a considerable amount of convincing.

So what is it going to take for you to convince yourself that you need to stop the cycle? If Roxanne called you and said "No, I do not love you", would that do it? My guess is no, because you would think to yourself "she is only saying that to push me away, but I know that she really does have feelings for me." You can always find excuses that will make you want to wait around for Roxanne. So what will it take for you to stop waiting around? Would she have to get married?

Anyway, that is my rambling perspective.

Thursday, July 13, 2006 10:22:00 PM  

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