Thursday, March 9, 2006

Lay it on the Line...

As you can imagine, knowing me, I stayed awake tossing & turning most of the night last night to try & decide how to handle this. I've recieved advice from all sides, and I've actually even listened to some of it...sorta. I've spent at least half my day staring at a blank e-mail form, trying to get the words to come out...until, about 2 hours ago, they finally did.

And, I pretty much laid it all on the line.

I told her that, however nice it was to hear from her, the things she said & the feelings she expressed confused the hell out of me, and I didn't know why she would say them unless she wanted me to react somehow...but, how can I react with her in the situation she's in?

I told her that she knew how I felt about her, and that I knew the worst mistake of my life was letting her go, and that I've paid for it every single day since, but if she ever saw fit to trust me & give me another chance, then I would never let her down again. She has no good reason to have any faith in me, but I asked her if she did anyway.

And, finally, I told her that if she was really happy with the life she has, and that was what she really wanted, then she should just do it, and let all these feelings about me go....but, if she wasn't happy, then she had better figure out what she wants, because if I'm not going to be a part of her life, then I at least have to get on with mine. I can't spend another 17 years doing this same dance, and I can't keep waiting around to chase any bone that she tosses me until I'm worn out from all the running. If she isn't willing to act on her feelings, then I told her she has to at least stop telling me about them...

Oh yeah, and I told her I loved her...but she already knew that.

I pored over it, edited it, sought advice on it, and finally, sent it....to my drafts folder, anyway. I figure I'll sleep on it & read it again in the morning before I actually send it to her. There have been plenty of times I'd wish I had done that, and I don't want this to end up being one of 'em. But I AM gonna send it......I think.

And I have no idea at all what to expect. I certainly don't expect a miracle; that she'll just up & leave her lover & run back into my arms, but all this has been a long time coming, and everyone is right...here and in my real life; something, somewhere, has got to give.

And I dunno what else to say...I'm all worded out today. I'm just gonna sleep on it...

21 Comments:

Blogger jkrunning--Just Keep Running recalled...

Good for you!! I hope you mail it.

Thursday, March 09, 2006 7:36:00 AM  
Blogger pookalu recalled...

yup....you really do hafta do what ya hafta do! mail it or not, i always write letters that i never send. but i also don't do email letters -- you know what happens if you were to actually accidentally send those suckers!

man, i hate losing sleep over these things.

Thursday, March 09, 2006 8:17:00 AM  
Blogger Atomicslacker recalled...

I think you made a good decision to write the email and sit on it for a day. The way you worded it is also done well. I hope you send it. I hope she reads it and comes running back to you. I hope you both fade off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Your story would make a great movie, at least on Lifetime.

Good luck!

Thursday, March 09, 2006 8:25:00 AM  
Blogger Empress recalled...

X, you did the right thing, waiting to send it, to re-read it to make sure it was good, and if it's as you've posted, it's perfect. She needs to, excuse the language, "shit or get off the pot". Not just for you, but for herself as well.

Good luck, sleep well, and everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Let's just hope everyone concerned can accept the outcome, whatever it may be.

Thursday, March 09, 2006 9:13:00 AM  
Blogger D recalled...

I agree, sleeping on it is good. But as you re-reading today... don't second guess yourself.

Thursday, March 09, 2006 9:22:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

send it! good job writing it as that must have been tough, but just send it ... good luck X!

Thursday, March 09, 2006 9:56:00 AM  
Blogger Jamy recalled...

Whether or not you send it, you've figured out what the issues are for you. If you're not going to be with her, you both need to move on.

I don't know if you should send it or not, but what have you got to lose?

Thursday, March 09, 2006 9:57:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

ay diosito, i have been catchin up here and boy oh boy have i missed some serious stuff. wow, life sure is a funny thing huh, you were saying that you were feeling better about the past and it was bc maybe you were writing it out and getting over it one final time for closure. I think the letter you say you have saved with bring closure to somethig that lingers as a "what if" in your heart and mind. With those words you are laying down the line and telling her to give it to you. I hope she gives you what you want. I hope what ever her reply it brings closure for feeling bad about the past and allow you to move forward. If she chooses you then it will help you seal off your past and start "new" with her.
You know, I saw WALK THE LINE the other day, now, I didnt know too much about Johnny Cash and June, but the love story in that movie, it has me shook. I have to say that it is now my favoirte movie. The love story protrayed there, the love that man had for her, he knew he was a mess but he didnt give up on tryin to reach for her, and in the end, she gave in and rescued him right back.
Jeez, just like what others have told you, you got nothing to lose, but everything to gain. Send it now, dont lose your nerve, dont wait another minute...
Good luck!

Thursday, March 09, 2006 11:09:00 AM  
Blogger Betsy & Arlene recalled...

You should really send it. You've got nothing to lose and you know her well, I'm sure you're doing the right thing. GOOD LUCK!

-Betsy

Thursday, March 09, 2006 11:16:00 AM  
Blogger Lynn-e recalled...

Bravo!

Thursday, March 09, 2006 12:28:00 PM  
Blogger HotDudi recalled...

This is what is traditionally known (in my group of friends) as a "head f*ck"!

U're doing the right thing by asking her to stop telling u stuff if she doesn't want to act on it...I know I'm pretty much reiterating what everyone else has said...but it's not fair on either of u to keep this "thing" going on in secret...

Quite the unhealthy relationship, sounds like one I would have!

Thursday, March 09, 2006 2:56:00 PM  
Blogger Manda recalled...

always the drama with this one! :-)

i am so not one to speak... but anyway...

she's reaching out to you for some reason. you've hoped she would for a while, so now perhaps embrace it.

OR play hard to get and let her keep shooting in the dark and being desparate until she realizes she can't live without you and needs you and is still madly in love with you.

either way... hope you're doing well. :-)

Thursday, March 09, 2006 5:34:00 PM  
Blogger PrincessMax recalled...

Do you hear that? That roaring sound? That's the sound of cheering from my little section of the peanut gallery.

Nice job. Send it.

Thursday, March 09, 2006 6:39:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Sent.

Cross your fingers....

Thursday, March 09, 2006 9:20:00 PM  
Blogger Betsy & Arlene recalled...

good for you!!

Thursday, March 09, 2006 11:39:00 PM  
Blogger HotDudi recalled...

You've done it...all fingers crossed for u :-)

I really hope it all works out...whether its that u finally get to move on, or move in together!!

Friday, March 10, 2006 10:28:00 AM  
Blogger Jaded&Opinionated recalled...

Fingers crossed.

You did the right thing. If you hadn't done it, you'd live with the nagging "what ifs" and "if onlys." Now, good or bad, you will know. Good for you!

Friday, March 10, 2006 2:31:00 PM  
Blogger The Mrs. recalled...

good job ex.

Friday, March 10, 2006 4:28:00 PM  
Blogger flossy-p recalled...

Very glad to hear you slept on it before sending it, that's wise. Also proud you sent it, because we do often spent too much time and energy strategising how we should react and how we can get others to react, rather than just being plain and honest.

It's out there and whatever happens now, happens.

My fingers are crossed that the things you wrote to her are things you can sincerely follow through with in real life, if it comes to that. Those were some pretty serious guarantees you've expressed to a a very unsure person, who seems to be seeking (and hiding in) stability, reassurance and safety.

Mostly it's easier to trust the truth than hearing someones emotional pledges. Sometimes it's better to hear "I can't guarantee what will happen in the future, no-one can, but by God I will try so hard to never let you down again, and to not let myself shut you out again, and all of those things I regret. If i feel those things happening, I will aim to share my feelings with you right away so we can work through them together."

It's a little harder to hear, but it makes you grow a little strength, and take a bit of responsibility for your own actions and fate. Rather than relying on someone else to be the sole provider of what you need emotionally. You coaxing her is bound to help, but it's important for her to do some of that for herself.

If this does develop into something more, it's important that you, X don't feel like you have to take on all the responsibility of making it never fail. Relationships are the responsibility and work of 2 people together, and that kind of pattern needs to be started from the very beginning.

Don't start again, create a new beginning. (if it comes to that, fingers crossed for you X).

Friday, March 10, 2006 5:17:00 PM  
Blogger True recalled...

Good luck with the unfurling of emotions. If this goes well maybe it will inspire the rest of us to be more open and honest.

We all have that point where it is all or nothing. I hope this one turns out with a happier ending.

Friday, March 10, 2006 6:25:00 PM  
Blogger Caro recalled...

goodness. hats off to you for having the balls to send it. but honestly, it seems like it needed to happen. better now than years from now...

Friday, March 10, 2006 7:33:00 PM  

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