Living Proof...

Ya know, things in the living-in-the-past department have been pretty quiet lately, if you haven't noticed. If anything, I've almost been avoiding writing about my ex's rather than wallowing in it like I usually do...and it's probably because I've just been thinking about it less lately. Some of that is due to circumstance, because of all the stuff that's been going on lately, but some of it is due to me actually feeling better about all of it; whether through writing it down or whatever.

Whatever the case, I haven't been arguing with it; in my quieter moments, I've almost thought I might actually be at peace with (some of) it...to a point.


Then yesterday, I got a letter from Roxanne...

We haven't really spoken since back in October; a lot of things had been happening in her life around then, and lets just say that I felt like I should make myself scarce from her for a while, for a number of reasons...not the least of which was for me to actually try and move past it, at least a little bit. So, for almost 5 months now, I haven't e-mailed her, haven't gone to see any of her plays, haven't heard from her at all, except for a short e-mail she sent me telling me she was sorry that my grandpa had died.

Then, yesterday, her brother Jerry called me & said that Roxanne had asked if I was mad at her for some reason. Apparently, she had written me an e-mail a few days ago, and since I have a whole separate e-mail account that I basically just use to talk to her so her significant other (and I use that term loosely) won't see, and since I haven't been talking to her much lately & had almost gotten out of the habit of checking it every day, I hadn't seen it.

So, I went to check my e-mail, and there were three messages from her. The first one basically just said hello, how are you doing, and that she ran into a mutual friend that day who said to tell me hi, and she made a joke about this girl maybe having a crush on me (the girl in question is actually the daughter of a good producer friend of mine...who's about 15 years too young for me, I might add; they work in the same theatre circles). Then, she sent one a couple of days later saying that she hadn't heard back from me, and if she had said or done anything to offend me, she didn't know what it was, but she was sorry. Then, the last one, sent yesterday, said basically 'well, I guess you are upset with me, I was just kidding about whatsername, hope you aren't avoiding me & hope you're doing well'.

So, I started to write her back, and tell her all that it was just a simple misunderstanding, and that I just hadn't gotten the messages. But, that's not exactly how it turned out. Instead, I do what I almost always do when I'm writing her...I said way too much. All these feelings just came pouring out as I was sitting there writing, and I ended up telling her that yes, I had been making myself scarce, but it was only because it still hurt too much to talk to her & to see her, and that I was just trying to get on with my life, with varying degrees of success. And that I was sorry I hadn't come to see her plays, but it was really difficult for me to see her on stage, and that I missed her, and of course I still thought about her, but it just hadn't seemed to be doing me much good lately.

And I regretted it almost as soon as I'd sent it. I figured the same thing would happen that usually happens when we've been communicating well for a while & then I throw in the deep thoughts out of the blue; I figured she'd freak out & I wouldn't hear back from her again for a while...or if I did, it would just be 'hi' & 'bye'. I knew she was online when I sent my response to her, because I could see her online thru Yahoo, but I never heard back from her last night...

Then, today, I did. And she said...some stuff.

I really don't know what to make of it all, but I know it's got me all tied up in knots trying to figure it out. Basically, she said that the reason she mentioned running into that friend of ours was that, while they were talking, the other girl mentioned that I had been over to her house for dinner & such a lot recently (too see her dad, on business), and Roxanne said that, when she heard that, something came over her that...well, here's her words: "it smelled like jealousy to me and I didn't expect that from myself...I suddenly got very territorial". She said she wanted to yell at this girl & tell her 'look little girl, dont you know that i know him better than you ever will?', but she didn't. Then she said that she didn't know why that brought such a strong reaction out of her, but it did...and that it 'must be all those feelings i will always carry in my heart about you'.

She closed it by saying that she was sorry that circumstances make it so difficult for us to talk to each other; that sometimes she wants to communicate with me more than she lets herself, but thanks for bearing with her.

And maybe it doesn't sound like that big a deal from me just telling you about it, but since Roxanne & I broke up, every time we talk to each other, we both have to walk on eggshells. She's always very careful about what she says to me, and I to her; both of us know the other one still has feelings for the other, and because of that, we (she especially) both think very carefully about what we write & say to one another. In other words, she doesn't share her personal life with me much at all anymore...because she knows I don't want to hear it any more than she wants to hear about mine. And no, that doesn't leave us much to talk about anymore.

My point is that, she knows me as well as I know her, and she knows that, nowadays, talk between us about the feelings we have/had for each other is not a light & breezy subject to be tossed around the dinner table...if anything of that nature is mentioned, there's a reason for it...and usually, the reason it gets mentioned is because of me pining over her. The only time since we've broken up that she has opened up and admitted any feelings for me at all, one way or another, was about a year & a half ago, during a brief period of time when her relationship was on the rocks & we were talking, and it looked....almost...like we might be able to reconcile again. Then, things smoothed themselves out somehow & we were back to the status quo of being all but strangers again.

So, the very fact that she said any of those things that she said to me in her letter means that, for one reason or another, she wanted me to hear them. Like I said, she would never talk about any of that stuff casually. She chose her words carefully, and she's definitely trying to elicit some kind of response from me....I just don't know what kind.

I've let both Lanie & Kristin & another female friend read the letter (or, most of it, anyway), and all of them say the same thing; they think she's reaching out & trying to tell me...something. That she misses me, she's been thinking about me....I dunno, but something. And, looking at it as objectively as I can, I guess I have to agree; I know her, and if she knows anything about me, then she would know better than to toss me a bone that she didn't want me to chase.

So, the question is...what the hell do I do about it? Do I do what Kristin says, and just ignore it, send a polite response, and keep on trying to forget about it? Or do I do what just about everyone else says, which is to call her out on it, and actually try to hash out these feelings we both obviously harbor once & for all? Do I say it's put up or shut up time...put your money where your mouth is...shit or get off the pot...love me or love me not? And if so, how the hell do I go about doing that?

The last time I layed the whole Roxanne scenario out here for all to see, I got a ton of responses telling me to just call her up once & for all, tell her I'm sorry, and pledge my undying love for all eternity. As appealing as all that sounds, the prospect of it is simply terrifying. After all, she does live with someone...and has for a few years. True, it's just a rebound relationship turned long-term due to circumstance, but she's in it nonetheless. And that, more than anything has made it hard for us to talk to each other the past few years. Mainly because....well, ok, I guess it's time to let the cat out of the bag...mainly because her girlfriend doesn't like for her to so much as talk to me. Yes, you read that right...

*sigh*

So, now maybe you see why all this is even more awkward than normal.

The thing is, the whole girl scenario has never really bothered me...and I don't really know why. If it was a guy she was dating instead of me, well, let's just say it would be a lot different....I most certainly would have written it off long ago. Somehow, though, the fact that she's with a girl is a lot less threatening to me; maybe because I don't feel like I'm in any kind of competition like I would with a guy. And yes, I know what you're thinking, because I've heard it from everybody else I know, but I just don't buy it; she fell into the relationship with this girl not too long after we broke up, and has been with her ever since.

Roxanne is a theatre actress, and her worldview has always been more...open than mine, but regardless of what she might be doing with her life right now, I know one thing for a fact: I've known that girl for 17 years, and there is no way in hell you're going to be able to convince me that she will ever be truly happy with anything but a husband, a couple of kids, and a nice little house in the suburbs. I make no assumptions about why she's chosen to do some of the things she has since we've been apart (ok, maybe I do make assumptions, but they're far too presumptuous to repeat here), but I do know that this is not the life that she wants for the rest of her days...and everyone else who knows her thinks the same thing.

I also know one other thing: if this girl that she's dating were a guy....Roxanne would never, ever, under any circumstances, even give them the time of day. She's a loudmouth, ignorant, drunk, redneck moron, and she's certainly not right for Roxanne. She was just in the right place at the right time.

But, yeah...my ex-girlfriend has a girlfriend. For now, anyway...

So where the hell do I go from here, then? It's not like I can just stand on her lawn & play Peter Gabriel outside her window...the boyfriend one would shoot me. I can't just call her up & talk to her...I wouldn't even be able to get a single word out; I don't think we've talked on the phone in about 4 years. I have to write her something...but what the hell am I gonna write? Jesus H. Christ, how fucking long am I gonna ramble about it in this post is the real question...

I 'm just gonna shut up now, since I've lost any train of thought I might've had.

I could use a drink, tho...