Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Living Proof...

Ya know, things in the living-in-the-past department have been pretty quiet lately, if you haven't noticed. If anything, I've almost been avoiding writing about my ex's rather than wallowing in it like I usually do...and it's probably because I've just been thinking about it less lately. Some of that is due to circumstance, because of all the stuff that's been going on lately, but some of it is due to me actually feeling better about all of it; whether through writing it down or whatever.

Whatever the case, I haven't been arguing with it; in my quieter moments, I've almost thought I might actually be at peace with (some of) it...to a point.

Then yesterday, I got a letter from Roxanne...

We haven't really spoken since back in October; a lot of things had been happening in her life around then, and lets just say that I felt like I should make myself scarce from her for a while, for a number of reasons...not the least of which was for me to actually try and move past it, at least a little bit. So, for almost 5 months now, I haven't e-mailed her, haven't gone to see any of her plays, haven't heard from her at all, except for a short e-mail she sent me telling me she was sorry that my grandpa had died.

Then, yesterday, her brother Jerry called me & said that Roxanne had asked if I was mad at her for some reason. Apparently, she had written me an e-mail a few days ago, and since I have a whole separate e-mail account that I basically just use to talk to her so her significant other (and I use that term loosely) won't see, and since I haven't been talking to her much lately & had almost gotten out of the habit of checking it every day, I hadn't seen it.

So, I went to check my e-mail, and there were three messages from her. The first one basically just said hello, how are you doing, and that she ran into a mutual friend that day who said to tell me hi, and she made a joke about this girl maybe having a crush on me (the girl in question is actually the daughter of a good producer friend of mine...who's about 15 years too young for me, I might add; they work in the same theatre circles). Then, she sent one a couple of days later saying that she hadn't heard back from me, and if she had said or done anything to offend me, she didn't know what it was, but she was sorry. Then, the last one, sent yesterday, said basically 'well, I guess you are upset with me, I was just kidding about whatsername, hope you aren't avoiding me & hope you're doing well'.

So, I started to write her back, and tell her all that it was just a simple misunderstanding, and that I just hadn't gotten the messages. But, that's not exactly how it turned out. Instead, I do what I almost always do when I'm writing her...I said way too much. All these feelings just came pouring out as I was sitting there writing, and I ended up telling her that yes, I had been making myself scarce, but it was only because it still hurt too much to talk to her & to see her, and that I was just trying to get on with my life, with varying degrees of success. And that I was sorry I hadn't come to see her plays, but it was really difficult for me to see her on stage, and that I missed her, and of course I still thought about her, but it just hadn't seemed to be doing me much good lately.

And I regretted it almost as soon as I'd sent it. I figured the same thing would happen that usually happens when we've been communicating well for a while & then I throw in the deep thoughts out of the blue; I figured she'd freak out & I wouldn't hear back from her again for a while...or if I did, it would just be 'hi' & 'bye'. I knew she was online when I sent my response to her, because I could see her online thru Yahoo, but I never heard back from her last night...

Then, today, I did. And she said...some stuff.

I really don't know what to make of it all, but I know it's got me all tied up in knots trying to figure it out. Basically, she said that the reason she mentioned running into that friend of ours was that, while they were talking, the other girl mentioned that I had been over to her house for dinner & such a lot recently (too see her dad, on business), and Roxanne said that, when she heard that, something came over her that...well, here's her words: "it smelled like jealousy to me and I didn't expect that from myself...I suddenly got very territorial". She said she wanted to yell at this girl & tell her 'look little girl, dont you know that i know him better than you ever will?', but she didn't. Then she said that she didn't know why that brought such a strong reaction out of her, but it did...and that it 'must be all those feelings i will always carry in my heart about you'.

She closed it by saying that she was sorry that circumstances make it so difficult for us to talk to each other; that sometimes she wants to communicate with me more than she lets herself, but thanks for bearing with her.

And maybe it doesn't sound like that big a deal from me just telling you about it, but since Roxanne & I broke up, every time we talk to each other, we both have to walk on eggshells. She's always very careful about what she says to me, and I to her; both of us know the other one still has feelings for the other, and because of that, we (she especially) both think very carefully about what we write & say to one another. In other words, she doesn't share her personal life with me much at all anymore...because she knows I don't want to hear it any more than she wants to hear about mine. And no, that doesn't leave us much to talk about anymore.

My point is that, she knows me as well as I know her, and she knows that, nowadays, talk between us about the feelings we have/had for each other is not a light & breezy subject to be tossed around the dinner table...if anything of that nature is mentioned, there's a reason for it...and usually, the reason it gets mentioned is because of me pining over her. The only time since we've broken up that she has opened up and admitted any feelings for me at all, one way or another, was about a year & a half ago, during a brief period of time when her relationship was on the rocks & we were talking, and it looked....almost...like we might be able to reconcile again. Then, things smoothed themselves out somehow & we were back to the status quo of being all but strangers again.

So, the very fact that she said any of those things that she said to me in her letter means that, for one reason or another, she wanted me to hear them. Like I said, she would never talk about any of that stuff casually. She chose her words carefully, and she's definitely trying to elicit some kind of response from me....I just don't know what kind.

I've let both Lanie & Kristin & another female friend read the letter (or, most of it, anyway), and all of them say the same thing; they think she's reaching out & trying to tell me...something. That she misses me, she's been thinking about me....I dunno, but something. And, looking at it as objectively as I can, I guess I have to agree; I know her, and if she knows anything about me, then she would know better than to toss me a bone that she didn't want me to chase.

So, the question is...what the hell do I do about it? Do I do what Kristin says, and just ignore it, send a polite response, and keep on trying to forget about it? Or do I do what just about everyone else says, which is to call her out on it, and actually try to hash out these feelings we both obviously harbor once & for all? Do I say it's put up or shut up time...put your money where your mouth is...shit or get off the pot...love me or love me not? And if so, how the hell do I go about doing that?

The last time I layed the whole Roxanne scenario out here for all to see, I got a ton of responses telling me to just call her up once & for all, tell her I'm sorry, and pledge my undying love for all eternity. As appealing as all that sounds, the prospect of it is simply terrifying. After all, she does live with someone...and has for a few years. True, it's just a rebound relationship turned long-term due to circumstance, but she's in it nonetheless. And that, more than anything has made it hard for us to talk to each other the past few years. Mainly because....well, ok, I guess it's time to let the cat out of the bag...mainly because her girlfriend doesn't like for her to so much as talk to me. Yes, you read that right...


So, now maybe you see why all this is even more awkward than normal.

The thing is, the whole girl scenario has never really bothered me...and I don't really know why. If it was a guy she was dating instead of me, well, let's just say it would be a lot different....I most certainly would have written it off long ago. Somehow, though, the fact that she's with a girl is a lot less threatening to me; maybe because I don't feel like I'm in any kind of competition like I would with a guy. And yes, I know what you're thinking, because I've heard it from everybody else I know, but I just don't buy it; she fell into the relationship with this girl not too long after we broke up, and has been with her ever since.

Roxanne is a theatre actress, and her worldview has always been more...open than mine, but regardless of what she might be doing with her life right now, I know one thing for a fact: I've known that girl for 17 years, and there is no way in hell you're going to be able to convince me that she will ever be truly happy with anything but a husband, a couple of kids, and a nice little house in the suburbs. I make no assumptions about why she's chosen to do some of the things she has since we've been apart (ok, maybe I do make assumptions, but they're far too presumptuous to repeat here), but I do know that this is not the life that she wants for the rest of her days...and everyone else who knows her thinks the same thing.

I also know one other thing: if this girl that she's dating were a guy....Roxanne would never, ever, under any circumstances, even give them the time of day. She's a loudmouth, ignorant, drunk, redneck moron, and she's certainly not right for Roxanne. She was just in the right place at the right time.

But, yeah...my ex-girlfriend has a girlfriend. For now, anyway...

So where the hell do I go from here, then? It's not like I can just stand on her lawn & play Peter Gabriel outside her window...the boyfriend one would shoot me. I can't just call her up & talk to her...I wouldn't even be able to get a single word out; I don't think we've talked on the phone in about 4 years. I have to write her something...but what the hell am I gonna write? Jesus H. Christ, how fucking long am I gonna ramble about it in this post is the real question...

I 'm just gonna shut up now, since I've lost any train of thought I might've had.

I could use a drink, tho...


Blogger Micah recalled...

First off, how far apart do you and Roxanne live? If you're both still in the same area, it makes things easier. There are a few options.

1) Have a sit down (face to face) and tell her that you're still madly in love with her.

2) Have a sit down (face to face) and talk through your past and how each of you were hurt by the other. Let the other explain why they did the things they did. Ease back into a friendship and maybe back into dating (eventually)

3) Ignore the email

4) Call her and say, "See I KNEW you still loved me!!!!!"

I think Option 2 might be the best, but also the hardest.

Plus make sure that she's not getting married anytime soon....that happened to me.

good luck

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 9:08:00 PM  
Blogger Shawna recalled...

oh, dear.

I'm commenting on the last sentence first: NO.

You know, you might rewrite and edit a lot of what's here, so it wouldn't be searchable, and send it to her.

there's always a possibility she's been protecting herself all this time by censoring what she says... like you have been... and said more then she meant to, too.

or perhaps she DID do it to elicit a reaction... and if that's it, I hope she's not just pulling strings to entertain herself.

from what you've said, getting together in person isn't going to accomplish anything if you just freeze up.

but if you think you can move past that, it might not be a bad idea.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 9:44:00 PM  
Blogger ChunkyDunker recalled...

I think I agree with your other friend, at least for the moment... you should just send a very non-committed letter. be brief and act stupid to whatever it was she was trying to get across to you. maybe mention that you wish things weren't so complicated and that maybe someday if things weren't so damn complicated (i.e. her not living with someone else) that you would give it all you had to try to make it work. Sorry I can't be of more help.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 10:21:00 PM  
Blogger ll121 recalled...

I think that was a very important message that she sent you, but I think you should slow down with this. It seems like you are about to make the same mistake you seem to have made before and rush into something with somebody that is already involved.

Even if it is a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend, it still means that there is another person in the equation, and no matter how you feel about someone else and may not like the relationship you are in, it is hard to end almost any relationship, so it is going to be hard for Roxanne to end hers.

I don't really agree with it being a good idea to pour everything out to her while she is still living with someone else, because until she leaves that relationship nothing is going to change. You don't really want to be sneaking around any more than you already are.

I think it would be best for you to tell her that you are glad to hear what she said and it meant a lot to you, but you don't really see how it can go any farther while she is still in a relationship. Until that point, you really have no choice but to continue with the status quo. As much as you might hate it now, I can only see it ending badly otherwise. I wish you the best of luck though

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 11:43:00 PM  
Blogger Pi recalled...

Defintely agree with what II121 said. Definitely go through email here, anything else would be too rash. Try writing a draft email, then coming back to it and seeing if that's really want you want to say.

Right now, the MOST you should be looking for with Roxanne is a chance at rekindling a lost friendship. Set your goals for that, if you choose to do anything at all. Putting yourself in the mindset that you want a relationship will just create endless expectations and heartaches, things you've obviously been through in the past.

If you can't get a friendship started, then you know you can't get a relationship going.

You both have feelings for each other, but given how apprehensive you are to jumping back into one of your past situations, and how she's in a relationship, things simply will not happen.

That's my two cents. Leave it open, but set highest expectations to friendship.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 12:19:00 AM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

I understand what you guys mean...and in most cases, I would give somebody the same advice. Roxanne & I have known each other & been a big part of each other's lives since we were kids; it's not like we're two people who dated for a while & then split up for a few years who have to get to know each other again...we're simply way past all that.

That's why, with us...and I can't say for sure, but I'm almost positive she'd tell you the same thing...it's pretty much all or nothing at this point. We're always going to be in each other's lives, whether we want to or not, simply because of her brother, but there's really no middle ground any more...we've covered it all.

Of course I would loe to just be her friend, if that's the only way I could still be close to her...but with all the history & broken hearts & decades between us, I don't think we could ever really do just that ever again...simply too much has happened between us. I guess people do manage to pull those kind of friendships off sometimes, but I don't think we're those kind of people.

Another thing is, as long as she's in this relationship, she won't allow herself to be friends with me. She's told me many times that the other one is far too jealous & threatened by me to ever be comfortable with us having any kind of relationship, and she feels that having one anyway or doing it behind her back would be betraying her...and she won't do that.

She will, however, e-mail me in secrecy with varying frequency, so I guess that's not a hard & fast rule, though...

One thing I can tell you she's not doing is just pulling strings to entertain herself, as Shawna feared; she simply doesn't have it in her. This isn't Kara we're talking about, here...

And, ya' know, it's funny...I can somehow write all this crap with astounding ease...but I haven't written a single goddamn word to her yet...

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 12:42:00 AM  
Blogger Empress recalled...

X, you need to tell her, once and for all, that you cannot communicate with her as long as she is involved with someone. You need to tell her that if she truly has feelings for you, other than JUST FRIENDS, she needs to get out of her living situation to where she is free and clear, so that the two of you can see where you'll go. If she can't do that, then you need to be strong enough to tell her to leave you alone, and to stop emailing you. She's being completely unfair to you by stringing you along, which is exactly what she's doing. Yes, I know you'll disagree with that, but X, you aren't a woman. You will never know all the stupid stuff we do when we are in a relationship that we aren't totally committed to.

You need to be the adult here. She's playing games like a child. You are the only one who can save yourself heartache, because that is all this will bring. And trust me, you don't want to piss off her gf. You know the "woman scorned" phrase? It's 10x worse when it's from a broken gf/gf love.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 1:51:00 AM  
Blogger pookalu recalled...

i agree with empress.

what's funny is just last night a friend and i were chatting about how his exes were calling him up within the past month...and they were both in committed relationships with other men. women suck about this, it's typical juvenile behavior. men do this to, but they really just want in part to validate their desirability. we all fall into this trap.

but she's still your friend.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 7:44:00 AM  
Blogger Evel recalled...

Maybe she is thinking of breaking with the girlfriend and wants to see if she might have a place to 'leave' to.

Usually a 'man' thing, but it happens with women.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 8:01:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

i do think you should call her. life isn't a disney movie, but you can't go around the rest of your life trying to smother feelings inside of yourself. maybe roxanne can't let go until she has someone safe to hold onto. maybe the reason you have been single is because you think that at some point roxanna will just up and come back to you. you owe it to yourself, and roxanna, to find out what is left between you two.

the thing is, if you are going to tiptoe through life just to arrive safely at death ... you aren't the X we've been reading about.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 9:12:00 AM  
Blogger Z recalled...

Have you ever heard the saying "love out of friendship maybe, friendship out of love never" ? I agree with you about it being all or nothing with Roxanne - after two people share such a strong connection and such deep love, trying anything less is too difficult - probably impossible.

However unfortunate the circumstances, I don't think its fair (to you or to Roxanne) to live in limbo of what-if she ends her current relationship, what-if she wants to be with me etc etc. I think the best thing would be for you to write back, as others have said, a very polite, non-commital response and do not get into all of this again.

She's still in a relationship, which means bringing up all the feelings and pain will only result in open wounds that cannot be healed right now. I feel like a hypocrite for what I'm about to say to you (as I myself have been unable to take my own advise) but I think whats best for you both is to move on from eachother. Harboring all these feelings for eachother is only preventing you from finding a great relatinship, and it might be coming between her and her current love interest.

In all fairness, she deserves the chance to make things work in her current relationship, and you deserve the chance to find someone amazing to love - neither of which can be done if you're both still in love with eachother. And since you can't be together right now, I think it best to try and forget (which I know is impossible), or at least try to channel that passion and love toward something else...and maybe someone else will come into your life who will be deserving of all the love you have to give.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger D recalled...

Wow. You get some pretty awesome advice from your readers, X. I only wish I had such a support system! I don't know what the right thing is for you to do. Of course she's fishing for a response of some sort.

I don't doubt that she needs you there, in the land of secret e-mails. She got a little freaked out and started questioning your mutual friends when you didn't respond for what, a week or two?

If you decide to call her out, please be sure to look at all angles first. What's the worst case scenario, and is that something that would be better than this limbo that you are in now? If she says "no X, I can't be with you, ever" is that better than this not knowing?

You've been content with your behind-her-girlfriend's-back occasional e-relationship for how long now? I think you need to decide if you're done with that game now or not.

The ball's in your court.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 9:27:00 AM  
Blogger the girl recalled...

Don't be her fall-back plan, X.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 9:34:00 AM  
Blogger Lynn-e recalled...

You know, there comes a point where you stop playing games and just be honest.

Just call her or e-mail, whatever you feel like...and tell her how you feel. Tell her what's going on in your head and in your heart. That's what she's attempting to do (she took a big step, bravo to her) and I think you should do the same. How much respect do you have for her? Enough to be honest?

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 2:52:00 PM  
Blogger True recalled...

I have one word for you - closure.

But it is posts like these that give me hope that men and women really aren't that different. Or maybe X is just a little more in touch with the female side.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 7:10:00 PM  
Blogger ThePassAlong recalled...

I am going to have to agree with *empress* on this one, but I would hope that you would be tactful in responding. I know that you will choose your words carefully, especially since you can't get anything typed up. LOL! I believe that you need to clarify and establish, through email, the roles and boundaries between you two. I do believe that she is reaching out to you, but without reading her email it is hard for me to clearly give you a definite answer as to what. As usual you have a wonderful support system in bloggerland and we are with you in whatever decision you make.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 7:45:00 PM  
Blogger Glitzy recalled...

Hi X,

empress said . She's being completely unfair to you by stringing you along, which is exactly what she's doing.

She's also being unfair to herself. Granted, I don't know the details as to why she's subjecting herself to an unhealthy relationship with her gf and an unhealthy relationship with you (any friendship you have to hide is not healthy). It doesn't sound like she knows herself and has confidence in herself to stand alone. Before she's worthy to be anyone's girlfriend, she has to be able to do that.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 8:51:00 PM  
Blogger Empress recalled...

That is so true, glitzy! I hadn't even considered that.

Thank you for reminding me, and all of us, that in order to have a healthy relationship with someone, on whatever level that is, we must first be healthy within ourselves...mind, body and spirit!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 11:05:00 PM  

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