Monday, March 6, 2006

I'm Only Human...

It was about eight o'clock that night, and Jenna called me from a restaurant nearby where she was out with some friends. She asked if she could come over for a while, and I made sure nobody was spying on the house before I said yes.

She showed up about a half-hour later, wearing a black dress & looking like she'd just stepped out of a salsa video. She had been at some semi-formal function for her school, and had downed a couple of drinks or five, as well. Before either of us said a word, I had a vision of Jesus being tempted by Satan in the desert, and I envied him, 'cus surely the devil never looked like this...

We gave each other a hug, and instead of breaking away from me after, she looked up at me for a minute & said "So, where were we before?" with a huge smile on her face. I was soon gonna be in big trouble.

"Well, we were at a kind of awkward pause...sort of like now", I said. I'm pretty sure my voice cracked a little, like Bobby Brady. My subconscious mind went into a defensive mantra: must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"Did I freak you out?", she said, raising her eyebrows at me.

"What do you think?", I asked her.

"I think I did...I just don't know if that's good or bad". She smiled again.

"Well, Jenna, you come to me out of the blue & tell me that you think you might have...feelings for me all of a sudden, and..."

"Not all of a sudden...", she interrupted. "You know we've always had some kind of connection between us, EXBF (she liked to call me by both my first & last names, a habit she picked up from Alan), there was just..."

"Circumstances?", I finished her thought.

"Yeah...those", she said, smiling again. She reached her arms up & clasped them behind my neck.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"Well, there kind of still are, Jenna...", I said soberly...and somberly.

"Yeah...I know. I know how you boys are. But everyone knows how close we are, anyway...even he couldn't be all that shocked about it.", she said.

"Well...he was pretty shocked...", I sighed.

Jenna's eyes got wide. "You talked to him?", she said.

"Well, you knew I would, Jenna...you knew Pete would, if nothing else."

She just nodded, then asked me "Well, what did he say?"

"Well, you know Alan, he kind of took it in stride, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't freak out & be crushed if it were to actually happen.", I told her. She looked down for a moment before answering me.

"Do you think that's what would happen?", she asked me, knowing full well that answer, but still giving me the big puppy-dog eyes.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"I don't know...", I sighed, "but we can't find out, Jenna....as much as I would love to." There, I'd said it. Put my foot down. Stand fast, young man...

She didn't say anything for a minute; she bit her lip in a way that reminded me of someone, and finally looked up at me & spoke.

"You know, these 'rules' you guys have...did you ever think they might end up getting in the way of something really good one day?", she said to me. The thought struck me pretty deep, especially as I had always been the biggest supporter of 'the rules' in the past. Jenna was a smart girl.

"Not until now...", I said with a sigh.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"I love that you guys are so loyal to one another...I just...", she hesitated.

"Just what?", I asked.

"I just wish we had met each other first.", she said.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"I know...", I said when I could speak again, "...so do I. but, we didn't."

"No....but we're here now...and..." she trailed off again.

"And what?"

"And I understand, and I knew all this before I said anything, I guess, but...it just seems like such a shame to let this chance go by.", she said, looking right into my eyes.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"Look, I'm not stupid, X; I know this would cause too many hurt feelings, and I knew nothing could come of it right now...but I just wanted to know..."

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"Know what...?"

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...

"Just...what it might feel like...", the corners of her mouth turned up just the slightest bit, as she raised her eyebrows at me.

must not kiss her....must not kiss her...must not........

oh, hell with it....

I kissed her.

(There, I said it...I'm not a saint...what do you want from me? And bygod, this better remain anonymous now, 'cus I've never told anybody that before in my life...as far as I know, she & I are still the only ones who know about it. I kissed Jenna...I confess it all. Alan, if you ever show up here, sorry, man...but you of all people know what I was up against. Funny, I thought I was supposed to feel better after going to confession? Lousy Catholic guilt...)

I kissed her, and it was just as amazing as I had feared. It was like she melted right into me. Even as it started, I remember thinking to myself it's a momentary lapse...it's forgivable...just do it & get it over with so it's out of your systems....nobody needs to get their britches in a wad about it...just do it once & let it be...

I remember somehow she smelled like strawberries, and her nails dug softly into my shoulders as I ran my fingers through her hair. Pretty soon, my thoughts turned into something more like okay, that's it...you did it...you got it over with....you can pull away any second now. Yessirree....any second now....that's good....you can do it...it won't be so hard....just close your lips & pull away...you can do it....oh whatareyoudoing COME ON JUST FUCKING STOP ALREADY!

And, somewhere else, in the back of my mind, I was still expecting Pete to burst in with a fire hose & spray us down to separate us like two fighting cats. I might have almost been hoping for it.

But Pete never came...

Pretty soon, we were on the bed, rolling around like circus tumblers. I had ripped off the knob to my inner-thought transmitter & thrown it across the room. We made out like high schoolers under the bleachers for what seemed like five years. I don't really have a memory of the event itself...only that it happened; the actions are all kind of a blur, as they probably were that night. All I remember is that we weren't rolling around like animals so much because we were horny for each other, but because we wanted to just...feel each other; see what it was like to the that close to each other...to see what the other tasted like. It wasn't lust as much as....dare I say, passion? No, I don't dare...let's just say it was freakin' hot.

But, as enthralled as we both were, there was still a tension there that we couldn't break, and I remember reaching down to bite her gently on the neck, and hearing her let out this little squeal that she made....and when I heard that, I froze in my tracks.

I had heard that sound before...more than once...when she had been fooling around with Alan. And, for some reason, the sound of it just snapped my out of whatever trance I had been in, and shoved me headfirst right back into reality. I felt, all of a sudden, like I was doing something wrong (ok, not all of a sudden; I was fully aware I was doing something wrong all along, but this just really served as an audible cue), and I stopped.

Jenna looked over at me, and we didn't say a word. We both knew that it couldn't happen...not then, anyway. We both sighed imperceptibly, and after a moment or two, she scooted over & rested her head on my chest. I put my arm around her & we just laid there for a while, not saying anything. I don't know what she was thinking, but I was just enjoying feeling her next to me for a little while longer, because I knew I might never feel it again. I'd deal with the guilt later...as I always do.

After a while, Jenna had to leave to go back home, and we got up & got her things together, still saying barely a word to each other. It wasn't awkward at all, and we didn't act like we felt guilty or anything, there was just a quiet understanding between us...and probably more than a little disappointment, as well. Not disappointment in ourselves for what we'd done, but at the powers that be, for having it happen under these circumstances.

As she started to leave, she turned & hugged me, and afterwards, we just looked at each other & smiled for a minute. She reached up and kissed me once on the lips, and said goodbye. She would be going away back to school in a day or two, and I knew we wouldn't see each other again for a while. I also knew that Jenna wouldn't be single for long, and the next time I saw her, she was just as likely to have a ring on her finger as not...she was a catch.

I didn't worry about any of that yet, though..nor did I worry about Alan. Nothing had really happened, I rationalized, and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him (and, thank god, it still hasn't). I did feel bad for breaking my own 'rule', but I also knew that it would have been hard for any man not to, under those circumstances, and at least I had tried to do the right thing...again.

I did wonder, though...about all the things Jenna had said. What if?

What if, indeed...

25 Comments:

Blogger D recalled...

ACK! I'm sitting here and my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

You did the right thing X. You did. There's no way Alan would have ever been able to forgive you, and from your guilt laden story - I don't know that you could forgive yourself and just allow it to happen. I'm sure she was and is a perfect woman, just not for you... and I guess not him either.

*sigh*

This was a good one tho....

Monday, March 06, 2006 2:28:00 PM  
Blogger Jamy recalled...

Oh Lord. Do you think if Alan found out about this TODAY it would still matter? Past is past. And what you did was not so terribly wrong. Though promising to not see a friend's EX still doesn't make much sense to me.

Your loyalty, as always, is admirable.

Monday, March 06, 2006 3:01:00 PM  
Blogger Ophelia recalled...

OK, I can understand that if this happened recently to fear Alan finding out but how many years ago did this happen? How many other people have been in your shoes with the exact same situation? Just about everyone I know, myself included.
And even though I tend to admire the male "rules", deep down I still feel that they are simply a safeguard for the fragile male ego. (I didn't mean for that to sound as harsh as it does).
There is a similar situation going on within my circle of friends right now and things are a little tense at this stage. I'm curious to see how things pan out.

Here is something to ponder: what if 'Jenna' was The One and you never broke that rule to find out?

Monday, March 06, 2006 3:33:00 PM  
Blogger Mint Tulip recalled...

I think the 'no dating an ex' rule should have an expiration date...it's a little different than the 'don't sleep with my current girlfriend' rule, although they almost seem to be one in the same for you guys. I've never had any clearly defined rules with my friends, but I did sort of ask before sort of dating a friend's ex...

Monday, March 06, 2006 3:33:00 PM  
Blogger Lynn-e recalled...

I was going to kick your ass if you didn't kiss her.

Monday, March 06, 2006 3:47:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Jamy,
No...today, I don't think he would be mad. That having been said, I'm still not convinced he'd be able to handle us dating...but maybe. It's me that dwells on the past, not him, after all.

Ophelia,
It only crosses my mind daily...

Jenna shows back up, tho...

Monday, March 06, 2006 4:06:00 PM  
Blogger True recalled...

Oh the self control. Impressive. Sometimes you have to break part of a rule.

Monday, March 06, 2006 4:51:00 PM  
Blogger PrincessMax recalled...

See, that's the beauty of kissing. One can sate one's curiosity and need and sense of what-if without doing irreparable damage. I have only had one of these forbidden kisses and although the situation was different, the relief and excitement and sense of a boundary were exactly the same. Thanks, X, for once again putting the universal experience into words that make it, you know, universal.

Monday, March 06, 2006 5:25:00 PM  
Blogger Frankie recalled...

If Jenna was the One, you would find each other again. Destiny is destiny.

Monday, March 06, 2006 5:25:00 PM  
Blogger Freak Magnet recalled...

My girlfriends and I have that same rule. Only problem is I'm the last single one left...

Monday, March 06, 2006 8:48:00 PM  
Blogger ohmyluv recalled...

I feel sadder here than everything else. It is always the what if that is harder to deal with than letting go of a relationship that gone bad.

But you did the right thing for your friend. It's just a question of is it worth it?

Monday, March 06, 2006 8:54:00 PM  
Blogger Your Doctor's Nurse recalled...

There's not a rule made that's not meant to be broken, X. Or there's another term for it...risk assessment.

That having been said...I am kind of forgetting the time line, but I do wonder - how would you have felt if, after the final time that you and Kara were through, that time had passed and someone had kissed her? I remember that I and the others reading felt kind of ...elated?... that you put your foot down with her - a sense of finality maybe - would you have really cared? I mean REALLY cared? Alan had moved on. That's all I'm trying to say. And if you thought she was THE ONE, and told him so, would he have changed his response? Agreed to allow The Rule to be broken?

I guess it's just all hypothetical in the end, but like someone said, destiny is destiny.

Monday, March 06, 2006 10:35:00 PM  
Blogger chicaleecious recalled...

Ok exbf -- I am finally back in the country and sort of over my jetlag, only to be bombarded by all this excitement after finally managing to catch up.... ACK!!!!

I say, even though Alan is your good friend, he IS married now and should remain loyal to that, so even though he might have some painful memories on Jenna... he's making new ones now with his wife and should HOPEFULLY be able to let go of the past.

True friendships should overcome any obstacles after all and I personally think it'd be a bit selfish of him to prevent Jenna from happiness (which I don't think he is from what you've stated), especially since he is now married. It's just unfortunate (or fortunate?) that that happiness might MAYBE just factor you in it, in the grand scheme of things.. so if it's meant to be, why not go for it!!!!

Hopefully if this is what's meant, you and Alan will have a strong enough bond to overcome it and manage to find some happy semblance over it.

I don't know.... I think I speak from experience. I've personally regretted losing somebody special over my worries on rules and such, and if I can do things all over again, I would have dropped all those stupid rules, fears and anxiety for ultimate happiness rather than live a life of regrets.

They do say -- the greater risk in life is NOT to risk at all. It'd be a different story if Alan were NOT married and still hadn't moved forward from Jenna (in a physical sense at least)... but the reality is that he has, and his loyalty should now lean on that marriage.

It would only be his ego that might temporarily hurt -- but again, I'd hope that your friendship is strong enough to overcome that, if it were at all a possibility for you to BE with Jenna.

On the other hand.. playing a bit of devil's advocate... on your part, I hope it's not another UNREALIZED and subconscious block due to some commitment phobia... those who have it (again, speaking from experience) tend to "choose", whether consciously or not, to fall for people that are "unavailable" in a sense -- to find a reason NOT to be together.

If she is that special and you two have feelings that strong... please do us all a favor. Follow your heart and don't deprive yourself of that possible happiness you might find with Jenna due to silly rules that were built on past experiences that have absolutely nothing to do with the present and current situation.

The past should be left where it belongs. Make new memories for yourself with Jenna or somebody else... either way, we just all want to see you find permanent happiness, especially in matters of the heart :).

Good luck!!!!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 12:45:00 AM  
Blogger Empress recalled...

I bet you're sort of thankful for that little squeak of hers, huh? That way, you can, so far, leave it at heavy petting.

It's a shame all of this isn't happening now. As I'm sure Alan would be the first to tell you to go for it with Jenna. *sigh*

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 1:58:00 AM  
Blogger PrincessMax recalled...

In all of these go-for-it-with-Jenna-now-that-Alan-is-married posts, aren't we forgetting that she isn't even important enough to merit a color?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 7:01:00 AM  
Blogger Jaded&Opinionated recalled...

I think that at some point, all of your friends, including Alan, would have been happy that you found someone if you and she truly fell in love. It takes time to get to that point, however. And even though the two of you had known each other for some time, and even though you were attracted to her physically, once she told you that her feelings were deeper than you'd considered, everything changed. It would have taken time to explore a friendship/relationship with those feelings in the mix, no matter how long you'd known her so jumping into bed wouldn't have been the best thing. Coulda turned out to be really awkward if you both realized that you didn't really have deeper feelings... coulda ended your friendship with her AND with Alan. But, if you'd given it time to happen and it DID happen, maybe everyone would have felt good about it.

Still, you did the right thing, which is admirable.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 7:33:00 AM  
Blogger pookalu recalled...

hey, you did it, and it's not like you ruined your friendship with alan.

and your secret's safe with us. i'll tell you sometime about secrets that actually will get you in trouble, or which have jeopardized friendships.

back to my point -- i think alan knows you for you, and knows that romantic interests shouldn't get in the way of friendships; if they did, you aren't really friends!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 8:04:00 AM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

sometimes a kiss is just a kiss. i know it was bad but i want to say good for you! mostly because i only ever partially understand that weird guy loyalty thing.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger tony35 recalled...

you know, some of us guys only have one rule -

you pass one up, you are one behind the rest - so never pass one up!!

I think you fucked up big time man

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 10:57:00 AM  
Blogger Empress recalled...

princessmax, I believe X said he was running out of colors to use for names. :)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 11:08:00 AM  
Blogger D recalled...

Oh fuck, don't you hate when you write a big brilliant comment, and it gets deleted by your browser? Damnit.

Well X, I bet your head is spinning now. All these strangers beating you down, telling you you totally dropped the ball? I coudn't disagree with them more. I stand by my original statement that you did the right thing. When all this happened, the wounds were still fresh, the pain was still bubbling just below the surface....

Alan has moved on now, yes. If this story was taking place now and you had just kissed her for the first time, yesterday... then by all means... I think even Alan would be able to cheer for you! But at the time, you did the best you could with the knowledge you had, and I think what you did was the right thing.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 12:24:00 PM  
Blogger HotDudi recalled...

I'm totally glad I came back to read more...& that u finally came back to write some more!! (I was going nuts!)

To the matter in hand! U definitely did the right thing...

If she is the one she'll come back...but next time it'll b when the time is right.

U hadn't even thought about the 2 of u getting it together til she let it slip that she had feelings for u right?

& the fact that her little squeak thing reminded u of the times u'd heard her with ur friend...eewww...wouldn't u just b reminded of that every time u were fooling around together?? Would u not constantly b wondering if she was comparing u to him?? Urgh!

I'm not talking about rules...I'm talking about morals...y would u even want to b with someone ur friend had already been with?? I don't get it! :-/

Good luck with that...I'll look forward to reading on...

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 3:20:00 PM  
Blogger ExBF recalled...

Well, I hear what all you guys are sayin'...and more than anything else, I think Jenna & I was just bad timing. Today if it were to happen, I'm sure Alan would be fine (his wife would never be able to rest easy, but he'd be fine), and maybe something would actually come out of it. Only thing is, I haven't talked to Jenna in about 3 years...

One important thing to remember about the 'rules' is that I was the main one to instigate them, after everything that happened to me with Andi & Lee, Kara & Ted, and the rest...I sort of fell victim to my own devices. Ironic, ain't it?

But no, in the end, Jenna didn't warrant a color. Maybe in a different life she'd have saved me from ever needing colors in the first place...

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 5:37:00 PM  
Blogger chicaleecious recalled...

Wait wait wait .... Jenna was past? I am definitely way behind - lol. I thought this was current. You hadn't seen her in 3 years? Awwww.... well, I hope you soon find a Kara, a Roxanne or a Jenna (maybe all combined in one) real soon!!!!!!

Princessmax made a good point -- I didn't even realize Jenna didn't have her own color.... good observation.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 6:54:00 PM  
Blogger Glitzy recalled...

Your blog is pretty addicting. I had started reading it awhile back and got sidetracked. I got to wondering this week about what happened in the ExBF saga.

Hope all is going well enough for you!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 7:33:00 PM  

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