Nowhere Fast
Well, things have been quiet. I haven't written her back or tried to contact her since her last letter on Saturday...and I'm pretty sure that, since she hasn't heard from me by now, she thinks I'm mad at her again...which, I'm not. I know that what everyone's been saying - that she was trying to test the waters & make sure her safety net was still there - is at least partially true, but I don't believe that she did it in a selfish or thoughtless way (well, maybe slightly thoughtless, but sincere, nevertheless). She doesn't have a selfish bone in her body that I know of, and I know she probably feels as bad as I do right now. But that still doesn't exactly do me a lot of good...
Elaine & I patched things up. I can't blame her at all for getting mad at me; if I were her, I'd be so sick of hearing about it that I could spit. She's right, tho...and so is everyone else; I need to just let it go. Some of the things you guys have written in the last couple of days have illustrated that for me pretty well, too. So, yes...I hear you, everybody. And I appreciate...more than I can tell you. I just wish I was better at actually listening; as my old 7th-grade teacher said: "You hear...but you don't listen!".
Somebody said before (and not for the first time) that it seems like I'm addicted to the strife & struggle of it all; that somewhere deep down, it's been ingrained in me that love is supposed to be hard, and difficult, and dramatic, and stressful, and always just out of my reach. That I'm used to pining from afar; whether about her, or Kara, or whoever (actually, though, those two are the only ones who really fit into that hypothesis). There is some truth to that...maybe more than I realize.
And they might have also been right when they said that might have been the reason that I broke up with Roxanne in the past....because it was all laid out for me on a silver platter. If I had made that commitment, I wouldn't be able to wish upon a star anymore; there's be nothing left to pine for. I'm sure there's some truth there, too...and it's as good an excuse for what I did as any I've been able to come up with (mostly). I don't think that's the whole of it, but it's certainly not totally off the mark.
Somehow, even though I'm just as much to blame, I'd really like to be able to say this is all Kara's fault...but it isn't.
The truth is, I still don't really know why I left Roxanne when I did. I've realized a few things while writing this project that have helped me understand it, but if she were to ask me again tomorrow why I did it, I still wouldn't be able to explain it in any way that would satisfy her. The best way I can explain it now is that, at the time, there were things going on in my life, with my health & with other factors, that I simply couldn't bring myself to drag her down into, no matter how willingly I know she would have gone. But I'm aware of how weak that sounds, and I don't expect her or anyone to accept that as an excuse at face value.
Those factors eventually faded, though, and my health recovered. It took my head a while to catch up, but by the time it had, it was too late. And ever since then, I've been adrift in this ocean of emotion, with her as my island off in the distance. And I had swam out way too far to make it back in time...
Since then, I've done all the things that one is supposed to do to get over someone. I've dated other women (not for a while now, but for a good while afterwards), I've tried to dive headfirst into concentrating on my job, I've kept my health up (for the most part), I've made up for lost time with my friends & family, I've apologized to her & tried to make amends...and yet, here I still am. I just can't seem to find that damn 'off' switch.
I was doing pretty well for the last few months. After the last round of this game in October, I had made a conscious decision to move on with my life & just let Roxanne move on with hers. I was tired of trying to make up for the past, and I decided to just let us both try to live our own lives...and I had done pretty damn well, I thought. Many of you guys here on the Project had commented on how much less wallowing I'd been doing, and even Kristin had patted me on the back for it recently...and those pats don't come lightly.
And then, the letter came last week, and it was like I instantly hopped into a DeLorean, gunned it to 88 MPH & went right back to the past. And, since then, I haven't been able to hardly think about anything else. Maybe it was some kind of cosmic test, where just as I was starting to get over her (sorta), she reaches out to me more than she has in years. If it was a test, I failed it miserably.
So, at this point, I guess I need to just face the fact that positive thinking is just not gonna be enough. I'm simply not going to get over this, not without either some kind of concrete closure & resolution, or years of therapy. And I can't afford the therapy. But I can't keep feeling this way, either.
As long as she's over there & I'm over here, it's going to go on, and on, and on, with no end in sight; and if I don't perpetuate it, then she will by writing me again the next time she misses me, whether she means to or not. I think that by now, it's the only dance both of us know anymore. So, the only thing I know to do, aside from trying one of those wacky stunts they do in the movies or joining the peace corps, is...well, hell...I dunno. I'm fresh out of ideas.
And apparently I'm fresh out of sense, 'cus I'm pretty sure I stopped making any a while back.
You guys see why my friends are so frustrated now?
Elaine & I patched things up. I can't blame her at all for getting mad at me; if I were her, I'd be so sick of hearing about it that I could spit. She's right, tho...and so is everyone else; I need to just let it go. Some of the things you guys have written in the last couple of days have illustrated that for me pretty well, too. So, yes...I hear you, everybody. And I appreciate...more than I can tell you. I just wish I was better at actually listening; as my old 7th-grade teacher said: "You hear...but you don't listen!".
Somebody said before (and not for the first time) that it seems like I'm addicted to the strife & struggle of it all; that somewhere deep down, it's been ingrained in me that love is supposed to be hard, and difficult, and dramatic, and stressful, and always just out of my reach. That I'm used to pining from afar; whether about her, or Kara, or whoever (actually, though, those two are the only ones who really fit into that hypothesis). There is some truth to that...maybe more than I realize.
And they might have also been right when they said that might have been the reason that I broke up with Roxanne in the past....because it was all laid out for me on a silver platter. If I had made that commitment, I wouldn't be able to wish upon a star anymore; there's be nothing left to pine for. I'm sure there's some truth there, too...and it's as good an excuse for what I did as any I've been able to come up with (mostly). I don't think that's the whole of it, but it's certainly not totally off the mark.
Somehow, even though I'm just as much to blame, I'd really like to be able to say this is all Kara's fault...but it isn't.
The truth is, I still don't really know why I left Roxanne when I did. I've realized a few things while writing this project that have helped me understand it, but if she were to ask me again tomorrow why I did it, I still wouldn't be able to explain it in any way that would satisfy her. The best way I can explain it now is that, at the time, there were things going on in my life, with my health & with other factors, that I simply couldn't bring myself to drag her down into, no matter how willingly I know she would have gone. But I'm aware of how weak that sounds, and I don't expect her or anyone to accept that as an excuse at face value.
Those factors eventually faded, though, and my health recovered. It took my head a while to catch up, but by the time it had, it was too late. And ever since then, I've been adrift in this ocean of emotion, with her as my island off in the distance. And I had swam out way too far to make it back in time...
Since then, I've done all the things that one is supposed to do to get over someone. I've dated other women (not for a while now, but for a good while afterwards), I've tried to dive headfirst into concentrating on my job, I've kept my health up (for the most part), I've made up for lost time with my friends & family, I've apologized to her & tried to make amends...and yet, here I still am. I just can't seem to find that damn 'off' switch.
I was doing pretty well for the last few months. After the last round of this game in October, I had made a conscious decision to move on with my life & just let Roxanne move on with hers. I was tired of trying to make up for the past, and I decided to just let us both try to live our own lives...and I had done pretty damn well, I thought. Many of you guys here on the Project had commented on how much less wallowing I'd been doing, and even Kristin had patted me on the back for it recently...and those pats don't come lightly.
And then, the letter came last week, and it was like I instantly hopped into a DeLorean, gunned it to 88 MPH & went right back to the past. And, since then, I haven't been able to hardly think about anything else. Maybe it was some kind of cosmic test, where just as I was starting to get over her (sorta), she reaches out to me more than she has in years. If it was a test, I failed it miserably.
So, at this point, I guess I need to just face the fact that positive thinking is just not gonna be enough. I'm simply not going to get over this, not without either some kind of concrete closure & resolution, or years of therapy. And I can't afford the therapy. But I can't keep feeling this way, either.
As long as she's over there & I'm over here, it's going to go on, and on, and on, with no end in sight; and if I don't perpetuate it, then she will by writing me again the next time she misses me, whether she means to or not. I think that by now, it's the only dance both of us know anymore. So, the only thing I know to do, aside from trying one of those wacky stunts they do in the movies or joining the peace corps, is...well, hell...I dunno. I'm fresh out of ideas.
And apparently I'm fresh out of sense, 'cus I'm pretty sure I stopped making any a while back.
You guys see why my friends are so frustrated now?
13 Comments:
You know what you have to do but it's too painful to say it out loud.
No more contact. None. For a good long time--at least a year.
Use that time to allow yourself to fully accept the loss. To be sad, cry or do whatever you need to do to let go.
I truly believe you can move on. It feels worse this time because you are that much closer to the real end. That is most painful.
i hate to say it, but no contact sounds like the right to do. at this point, as grey as the issue may seem, you need to look at it in black and white. only yes or no questions. no "what ifs," no "but," no "maybe." that shit's been eating me up for months now--and it just gets to a point where you get tired of it.
ps. your friends love you.
I think that's the route I'm gonna try to stay on for right now...and thankfully, it's probably the easiest one, at the moment, as well. The only question is, do I tell her that...or do I just do it?
We know far too much on that subject - pine or get out there are have actual contact with other humans.
Tough questions. Just remember there are no wrong answer.
I say yes, softly. I softly because I have no idea how I would be able to get the words out myself and because as soon as I got them out, I'd want to take them right back, and how do you recommend something to someone when you wouldn't even be brave enough to do it yourself? But yeah, I say ask her not to contact you anymore. If the inkling is in the back of your mind that she'll be contacting you, you'll be looking for it. You won't just be grieving and healing.
Normally, I would say that you just do it. But given the long and conflicted nature of your relationship, I would warn her that you won't be responding to future emails. One short, kind note should do it. She won't like it but she will understand.
I did this with an ex and I didn't tell him. I just stopped making contact with him. He'd send the occasional flare up and I ignored it--it was always email or a card, so that made it easy.
Eventually, I contacted him and now we talk from time to time. It might have been better if I'd left it alone, though.
Hi X,
I really think that you've answered all the questions for yourself here, and quite well I might add.
But acting on the answers is going make you hurt like hell and suffer for a while... A lot like being the fox caught in the trap and knowing that to get away you are going to have to sacrifice a part of your very being to do so.
Its the end of a 17 year hope/dream you have had to be with this woman in a meaningful, long term relationship. That carries with it significant emotional gravity, and to me is no different than the death of a loved one. Because in a huge way, thats exactly what it is.
Not to be cliche but you have 3 choices here:
1.) pain
2.) pain
and,
3.) pain..
If you keep the dialog running between you two its going to eat you from the inside out each time you open an e-mail from her and get even the slightest grain of hope that things might work out between you.
Its like being attached to each other with some big psychic rubber band. Its also 100% guaranteed to keep you from moving on, and will always snap you right back into an unwanted emotional state unless it is severed.
The "slow fade" is the wrong thing to do on this one. And it won't give you the biggest thing you need to really start getting over this once and for all and that is CLOSURE. This situation screams for it, and without it will be like a record that keeps on repeating itself.
peace...
Well, nobody can ever accuse you guys of just telling me what I want to hear...
*sigh*
Still no contact...
Hey, just rereading you post after I read the comments. Why not join the Peace Corp or something drastic like that? Nothing permanent. You can always come back. But why not put yourself in a different physical space for awhile to give your heart some room to grow away from Roxanne?
You know I moved to a little island in the Pacific Northwest for a year for exactly the same reason. Things were so new, I had something else to focus on and explore besides my own pain. Like getting someone to stomp on your foot to help you forget the migraine. But, you know, without the cringing connotations that a pain-based metaphor is bound to produce.
Anyway, you can make movies anywhere, can't you? Why not find an exotic place to make them with all sorts of new experiences pushing in on you that require little to no effort to access? Go for it.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say...what are you doing?!? Don't let her go. You love her and want her. I say go for it. Sweep her off her feet and go for it. Nothing is ever going to happen if wait on the sidelines. She gave you opening - take it. Take that chance and love her.
Hang in there ex.
i think you're finally doing the right thing. if it's meant to be, it will happen, without you jumping at her feet.
and thanks for the words of wisdom.... i'd missed hearing them from you lately.
Ok, so I'm obviously a bit behind and I haven't read ahead so I don't know how you dealt with the Roxanne situation, but I agree with Empress, you need to tell her to stop contacting you.
In your post, you said that some suggested that you might be addicted to the struggle; that you believe that relationships should be difficult and dramatic. I was actually thinking the opposite.
I was thinking that perhaps you think that relationships are fated. That you may go through a lot of pain, but in the end, everything is packaged in a neat little box. There is always this sort of fairy tale ending. Relationships with people with whom you have such an amazing connection - who may or may not be the One - are supposed to eventually work themselves out. So its not that you are addicted to the pain, but that you believe that this connection can't just be a coincidence. The connection with Roxanne is THE connection, and you just need to wait around for the fairy tale ending. You are going through all of this drama because you can't give up your idealistic dream.
Anyway, that's just an alternative perspective. If that is the case, I don't know what if that is the right way to approach relationships and if it isn't, I don't have the solution. But I thought I'd just offer it up anyhow.
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