The Weather is here, wish you were beautiful...

You remember that necklace that I bought for Kara that one Valentine's day, that I ended up wearing after she threw it at me? Well, like I said at the end of that story, I wore that necklace day & night for the next two years, but, one morning, while I was dating Maria, I woke up on the sofa where I had fallen asleep watching Letterman the night before, and the necklace was gone. Vanished. Nowhere to be found. I remember I felt like it was some kind of sign, even though I don't believe in that stuff, and I knew then that it was probably a good thing that I didn't wear it anymore...much like what I was talking about the other day. But what I remember most is that, the next morning, when I got up, I didn't even realize that it was gone & I wasn't wearing it until halfway through the day...and knowing that I had been able to let go of that little part of my past made me feel like a million bucks.

Well, I have no idea why, but for some reason, that's sort of what I feel like today...

Nothing new or spectacular has happened, at least nothing that you guys don't know about, and no, I didn't get laid this weekend or win the Wingo...or even get any new sunglasses...but somehow, right at this moment, life is ok. I'm in a damn fine mood...and it was a pretty nice day here today, too...

I mean, it's not like I'm usually a big gloomy gus or anything (although some of the things I write might make one think otherwise), but I've definitely had a shortage of genuine, unprovoked good moods lately. I'm sure I could find something to feel bad about if I tried hard enough, but I've got no plans to do that. I've had these kind of isolated moments in the past...a point where I just suddenly realize 'hey...life ain't so bad!', and they've usually been a sign of good things to come, so I ain't gonna argue with it.

Maybe it's the fact that I might have a pretty big break in my career on the horizon, assuming all goes to plan. I'm also actually almost looking forward to my trip this week...or at least, I'm certainly not dreading it anymore, and that's a big step. I know it will probably do me a world of good to get away for a few days...it always does, even when I don't want to go. Especially when I don't want to go. I used to travel a lot for work, and I worked 3 months out of the year in Europe for a couple of years, so I got really burned out on travelling for a while, but I realized today, that it's been almost 3 years since I was out of town for more than 2 days, and I know deep down that I can use a change of scenery...and the scenery down there is pretty nice.

And you know what else, I'm almost glad that I got that e-mail from Veronica last week, because it really just served to put my mind at ease, in a couple of ways. I know that if she had really wanted to contact me, she would have by now, one way or another...and she hasn't. And even better than that, I know that if she were to contact me, it wouldn't really bother me all that much anymore; if I had gotten that mail in the state of mind that I was in just a year ago, I would still be sitting by the door with the blinds drawn & a shotgun in my hands. So, for me to feel as fine as I do after having her try to poke back into my life speaks volumes.

And I was thinking to myself that, in the past, when I've had these moments of clarity, so to speak, I've never been able to hold onto them for very long, so I better find something to help me hang onto it this time...but I think that might be the mistake I've been making all along. I don't need to find something to help me stay in a good mood; I need to be able to stay in a good mood just because that's the way I want to feel. When I broke up with Kara the first time, I remember telling myself that my goal was to be able to wake up in the morning & be happy just for no other reason than I was alive...and I think I had the right idea back then. It might have been the only right idea I had back then, but I think it was a pretty good one...

So, I'm going to try that again...starting now. Today. Right this minute. Sure, I've still got more problems than a mathbook, but so what? I've got less than some people I know, and at least I'm trying to figure mine out without looking for it at the bottom of a glass or dropping out & joining the scientologists. And yes, there's a good chance that I won't figure out the answer to what's gone wrong with my love life all these years, and there's just as good a chance that I'll never meet anyone that makes me completely forget about my past, and I might not ever recapture those feelings I had back then...but I don't think I'll be alone all my life, either. I might not live happily ever after, but I'll live.

And no, I'm not done dissecting my past, and yes, I will get back to my story soon because there's still a lot of things I think I can benefit from writing down. And yes, we're still pretty far away from hearing about the stuff that actually led me to start this project, but maybe by the time I get there, it won't bother me to re-live it as much anymore...

Have a good day, everybody...Carpe goddamn Diem.