Sunday, January 29, 2006

The Weather is here, wish you were beautiful...

You remember that necklace that I bought for Kara that one Valentine's day, that I ended up wearing after she threw it at me? Well, like I said at the end of that story, I wore that necklace day & night for the next two years, but, one morning, while I was dating Maria, I woke up on the sofa where I had fallen asleep watching Letterman the night before, and the necklace was gone. Vanished. Nowhere to be found. I remember I felt like it was some kind of sign, even though I don't believe in that stuff, and I knew then that it was probably a good thing that I didn't wear it anymore...much like what I was talking about the other day. But what I remember most is that, the next morning, when I got up, I didn't even realize that it was gone & I wasn't wearing it until halfway through the day...and knowing that I had been able to let go of that little part of my past made me feel like a million bucks.

Well, I have no idea why, but for some reason, that's sort of what I feel like today...

Nothing new or spectacular has happened, at least nothing that you guys don't know about, and no, I didn't get laid this weekend or win the Wingo...or even get any new sunglasses...but somehow, right at this moment, life is ok. I'm in a damn fine mood...and it was a pretty nice day here today, too...

I mean, it's not like I'm usually a big gloomy gus or anything (although some of the things I write might make one think otherwise), but I've definitely had a shortage of genuine, unprovoked good moods lately. I'm sure I could find something to feel bad about if I tried hard enough, but I've got no plans to do that. I've had these kind of isolated moments in the past...a point where I just suddenly realize 'hey...life ain't so bad!', and they've usually been a sign of good things to come, so I ain't gonna argue with it.

Maybe it's the fact that I might have a pretty big break in my career on the horizon, assuming all goes to plan. I'm also actually almost looking forward to my trip this week...or at least, I'm certainly not dreading it anymore, and that's a big step. I know it will probably do me a world of good to get away for a few days...it always does, even when I don't want to go. Especially when I don't want to go. I used to travel a lot for work, and I worked 3 months out of the year in Europe for a couple of years, so I got really burned out on travelling for a while, but I realized today, that it's been almost 3 years since I was out of town for more than 2 days, and I know deep down that I can use a change of scenery...and the scenery down there is pretty nice.

And you know what else, I'm almost glad that I got that e-mail from Veronica last week, because it really just served to put my mind at ease, in a couple of ways. I know that if she had really wanted to contact me, she would have by now, one way or another...and she hasn't. And even better than that, I know that if she were to contact me, it wouldn't really bother me all that much anymore; if I had gotten that mail in the state of mind that I was in just a year ago, I would still be sitting by the door with the blinds drawn & a shotgun in my hands. So, for me to feel as fine as I do after having her try to poke back into my life speaks volumes.

And I was thinking to myself that, in the past, when I've had these moments of clarity, so to speak, I've never been able to hold onto them for very long, so I better find something to help me hang onto it this time...but I think that might be the mistake I've been making all along. I don't need to find something to help me stay in a good mood; I need to be able to stay in a good mood just because that's the way I want to feel. When I broke up with Kara the first time, I remember telling myself that my goal was to be able to wake up in the morning & be happy just for no other reason than I was alive...and I think I had the right idea back then. It might have been the only right idea I had back then, but I think it was a pretty good one...

So, I'm going to try that again...starting now. Today. Right this minute. Sure, I've still got more problems than a mathbook, but so what? I've got less than some people I know, and at least I'm trying to figure mine out without looking for it at the bottom of a glass or dropping out & joining the scientologists. And yes, there's a good chance that I won't figure out the answer to what's gone wrong with my love life all these years, and there's just as good a chance that I'll never meet anyone that makes me completely forget about my past, and I might not ever recapture those feelings I had back then...but I don't think I'll be alone all my life, either. I might not live happily ever after, but I'll live.

And no, I'm not done dissecting my past, and yes, I will get back to my story soon because there's still a lot of things I think I can benefit from writing down. And yes, we're still pretty far away from hearing about the stuff that actually led me to start this project, but maybe by the time I get there, it won't bother me to re-live it as much anymore...

Have a good day, everybody...Carpe goddamn Diem.

13 Comments:

Blogger Melanie recalled...

I am quite moved by your words, and I think its a good thing I read this post this morning, because the man I am having lunch with today seems to be an awful lot like you. Thanks.

I can't wait for the day when I wake up and he isn't the first thing on my mind.

Thanks for coming to the Wicked Ink blog.

Sunday, January 29, 2006 8:09:00 AM  
Blogger Karen recalled...

You've got the right idea....waking up happy and not analyzing it. Have you ever thought about keeping a Gratitude Journal? At the end of the day, just before you go to bed, write down 5 things that you are grateful for in your life. And no repeating any of them the next day! It's amazing what you come up with when you really have to think about it! :)

Have a great trip!

VV

Sunday, January 29, 2006 9:13:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn! recalled...

carpe diem...i'm looking forward to hearing how your trip goes...i'm totally excited about the direction your career is going...

you're gonna need some help soon since you'll be a 'heavy'. so i'm officially applying for the role of muse for when it comes open. ;)

enjoy the change of scenery, and see ya again soon.

Sunday, January 29, 2006 2:15:00 PM  
Blogger Liz recalled...

Good for you!!

Sunday, January 29, 2006 6:01:00 PM  
Blogger Charlotte recalled...

good luck X!!!

Sunday, January 29, 2006 6:42:00 PM  
Blogger Moon Watcher recalled...

happiness for no reason is called inner peace. The realization that things do not make us happy or sad, it is concentrating on these things that create the illusion that 'they' will make us happy, that makes us sad. Did that make sense??

Monday, January 30, 2006 6:45:00 AM  
Blogger pookalu recalled...

no, no, i think you should drop out and become a scientologist...i heard (but cannot confirm) that scientology was created from a wager between l. ron hubbard and robert heinlein...

Monday, January 30, 2006 8:08:00 AM  
Blogger The Eternal Freshman recalled...

You know it's weird, but I've just had a similar sort of moment of clarity, so to speak. For so long, I was focused on relationships; why I wasn't in one, how my life was incomplete without one, how I'd never meet THE one and all was hopeless. Like you, I'm from the South, where we're pretty much programmed to marry early and have many kids. Drive a minivan. Go to softball tournaments.

But something happened in the past year, and I feel really at peace. I like who I am and where I'm going. Part of it has to do with the fact that after a big breakup a year and a half ago with this guy (M), I finally decided -- like you did -- that I was going to start right then doing all the things I had waited to do 'til I found 'the'one-- like go to Europe. And just things I have always wanted to do put have put off- like get my personal training certification. I think it's when you start consciously making those decisions that you are able to get past living in the past, and begin to be at peace with it- free of pain. Or at least less pain. Word.

Monday, January 30, 2006 8:58:00 AM  
Blogger PAINKEY recalled...

"If your happy and u know it clap your hands, If your happy and you know it clap your hands. If you happy and you know it then your face will really show it, if your happy and you know it clap your hands".
I am happy your happy and feeling good about yourself and your life at this moment in time. Capture the essence of it Gus. Stop and feel it. Take a nice big chunk of air and let it out. In the process, sing this tune and you will feel....you guessed it...HAPPY.
I do this from time to time, and I feel goofy for telling you but it works, it makes me happy and in a good mood. That helps when your feeling low and it helps when you feel good.

Monday, January 30, 2006 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger Jamy recalled...

I think a gratitude journal is a great idea. :)

Monday, January 30, 2006 10:16:00 AM  
Blogger ~Moi~ recalled...

Good stuff! G'day to you too!

Monday, January 30, 2006 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger lauren recalled...

One sentence in your blog jumped out at me: "There's just as good a chance that I'll never meet anyone that makes me completely forget about my past."

I think the beautiful thing about the past is that you don't forget it. The moments that you have and the people you meet impact and shape what becomes you past. Do you want to forget those people or those moments, just because they hurt you or left you feeling sad and hopeless? I think it is sometimes better to remember the pain, remember the sadness, remember the hopelessness so that you can appreciate moments like the one you had today.

So here's to NOT meeting someone who makes you forget the past, but who helps you to remember, to not be bitter and who helps you to create a new past that you can take joy in.

Monday, January 30, 2006 5:08:00 PM  
Blogger fjl recalled...

Hilarious! I am SO going to send that postcard to my lazy lovers this year, on my research trips x

Tuesday, January 31, 2006 11:22:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home