Turns out...
It was short. It was another "I'm sorry" from her, for stirring things up again. She thinks I'm mad at her, I'm sure. I guess I don't have the market cornered on guilt, after all...
No response from me.
But I have to come clean & admit that my lack of response to her isn't so much me wanting to cut it off, as much as just not being able to find the words. And there's a little part of me, that I won't admit anywhere but here, that probably wants to make her sweat a little bit & see what happens...and that makes me feel even guiltier, 'cus I know I've already done my share of making her sweat in the past.
And there are so, so many other things that I need to have my mind on right now...so many. Anyway, go on about your business....
No response from me.
But I have to come clean & admit that my lack of response to her isn't so much me wanting to cut it off, as much as just not being able to find the words. And there's a little part of me, that I won't admit anywhere but here, that probably wants to make her sweat a little bit & see what happens...and that makes me feel even guiltier, 'cus I know I've already done my share of making her sweat in the past.
And there are so, so many other things that I need to have my mind on right now...so many. Anyway, go on about your business....
16 Comments:
no response sucks. she has no way of knowing for sure if you got it. that would eat me alive. and i would probably end up calling you. it's cool to take your time but respond.
I don't think it's so much HER game as it is a mutual thing here. She feels like she needs to know that he will always be there, and X feels like he needs to know that she needs him.... even on this level.
It's unhealthy X, I think you know it, but it's satisfying some deep down need to still have her around. What is it going to take to be able to completely say goodbye to her?
here's my advice:
send a SIMPLE "sorry really busy, I'll get back to you in a few days" e-mail and then work out a rough draft of everything you know you need to say and keep coming back to it and looking it over until you have it saying what you need it to. I agree with the others, don't leave her hanging. That makes you dirty..
(without fanfare or alot of mushy drama either..Keep it simple, kind, and to the point.)
If you can't find the words try to build around the following sentences:
-I'll never be able to truly move on in my life, and neither will you as long as we stay in contact with one another in any capacity, period. We tried and it didn't work out.
-We both owe it to ourselves to get off this emotional see saw we've been riding for the last 15+ years. Me especially..
-It's time to say goodbye to one another, and I need you to respect that.
-I wish you all the love, happiness, and success that life has to offer.
-Goodbye....
Then take a big ol' deep breath and push the send button. ( and immediately block her e-mail address so you don't get sucked back into a dialogue with her when she responds. it sounds cold, but you'll be greatful that you did.)
Have something planned right after you do it. Meaning a camping trip, a run to the beach, a road trip (my tried, and true choice), whatever.. Anything to get you out of the house and to keep you from just sitting around regretting your decision, or getting really depressed over it. Granted, these things aren't meant to be a party as you will be feeling the loss pretty heavily, just a way for you to collect your feelings and thoughts and clear your head.
Like the Rush song says:
"You get all squeezed up inside
Like the days were carved in stone
You get all wired up inside
And it's bad to be alone
You can go out, you can take a ride
And when you get out on your own
You get all smoothed out inside
And it's good to be alone"
Just my thoughts on it... Hell, if you need to run far you can head down here to miami, crash on my couch and we can take the boat to the Keys for some fishing and whole lotta rum drinks.
Peace, bro...
Ex-Addict;
Wow....I never really looked at it that way. It's not exactly the same...but I certainly see what you mean. But, if I really was her Kara, all it would take from me would be one phone call...
Knuckle-B;
She knows I got it...I'm sure she knows I'm cheking that box every day. I dunno what else she thinks, but I know she knows that...
Wind;
As sound as that idea probably is, the amount of sedatives it would take me to actually go through with it would probably kill Keith Richards...
I'm not trying to be coy by not writing her back, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet; partly because I don't want to hurt her, partly because I don't want to hurt me, and partly because I'm afraid it will just stir up more drama right now than if just I left it alone. but you're right...that's not gonna help me get past it.
Rush rules, tho...
I totally agree with Ex-Addict that you are Roxanne's Kara, the standard against which all others will be judged. And Shawna's right, no response is a response. Maybe the only one you can give. But there is no sense in feeling guilty about it. She is living with some else for fuck's sake. (And I say this as someone who is rooting for her to "get the guy" in all this.)
ok, of course she knows you got it by now but does she have proof? i know the sun is going to rise every day but sometimes I just don't really believe it till I see it... ya know?
You're in my thoughts.
Thanks, Tab....you're good people, ser'sly ;)
sometimes u really need to get out while u can. U're both stringing each other along, but there'll come a time when u're gonna think "what the hell have I been doing the past x number of years" & then it might b too late...& u might have missed "the one" as she walked by...
It's hard, but u need closure & she's not going to provide it. U have to make a conscious decision to end all contact...if that's what u want.
Thinking of u ex...
what would you tell a friend in the same situation?
do that.
Dr. Phil says that the opposite of Love isn't hate but indifference. He annoys me to no end but that one works.
If you hate her then you care. If you love her then you care. If you don't write back to her or if you act flippant about it then you just might be over her....and will probably send her into some sort of emotional panic.
I don't know that there's a right thing and a wrong thing necessarily. We can offer you all the advice on the planet, and while it might all ring true in some way, you still have to do what feels right for you. Give it some honest thought, and do what feels best.
*elie wiesel* said "the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference." dr. phil is a moron.
but i think you're way past hate here, ex. i doubt you ever had any hate...probably more anger, hurt and uncertainty. at least that's what i'm having to tell myself after months of no contact from my ex. he might as well be dead. and i wonder if that hurts more than a few "hey, how you doing?" emails. i mean, if there's no feelings there, then how would that hurt?
the truth is you deserve better than maybe. you don't need to get over the situation yet, but you do have to keep moving on. and the day that she comes back certain of her feelings, then maybe you can chat it out. but right now, if she can't give you a straight answer, then there's nothing left to say. so as much as it may hurt, and as hard as it may be, playing indifferent (although not really being that way) may be the way to go.
enough of my rant.
most probably won't agree, and i'm new around here, but sometimes, i find it easier to just let go and follow your impulses and emotions. feel like calling, call, feel like email, mail, txt, whatever. soon enough you'll be disappointed enough and see for yourself that there's no point in doing it further. if you can't walk away from the relationship, you might as well kill it.
i think. i think that's what i did. may be. may be not.
This comment may reveal me as selfish and uncaring, but I really think saying "Hey, I am cutting off contact with you" is another form of contact that invites a continued dialogue. Sounds more like an ultimatum than "I am moving on with my life."
I am not sure you have to be flippant about her feelings, but you might be able to make this situation about you instead of about her.
That might be the way to get what you need, to figure out what those needs are, to understand why you left her the first time, to remember why you want to be with her now, to move on, to fly to Vegas in an Elvis suit, whatever.
Dude, you need to convert to another religion; anything NOT $cient0l0gy, or get plastic surgery and tell old girl you're now in the F.B.I. Eyewitness Protection Program.
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